question

I don't know what to say, besides from saying I hope you're okay. 

I know God will take care of you if you lean into Him. And I'm glad I can't do any more damage. 

I hope you're able to get out of the program so you don't have to travel so far away from your family. 

I also feel I don't know how I can face you again. Or your parents. Or your siblings. I can't say sorry enough for how much of an ungodly person I was. I know I'll just melt into a pathetic mess. If God wants me to do it, then I will. Just whatever God wants me to do. 

I still pray for you and I hope you are letting God work in your life too. That way, I know you'll find joy, and that's enough for me. 

I love you, and I'm sorry. I know that you went through a lot that I didn't even know you went through, and I set expectations on you that no one can live up to. I should have been more understanding, and I should have loved you like Christ loved the church but I didn't know how to cause I didn't know who I was. I looked like I had a relationship with God but I didn't. I'm ashamed, and I'm guilty. But I'm changing me. I don't have expectations on you. You just go at the pace God's got you going. He's still working on me. 

- JF 

letter

I....feel like I need to say a few more things before....I try to leave this all behind. 

I don't know if you really even still read this.... I guess I should be surprised if you are. 

It's almost been 3 months, G. I hope you are doing well. I know that you said some people have been...not very kind to you. I think it's probably mostly my fault, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't seem to do anything right. 

I think there has been many, many times, when I catch myself in those clenching pains of missing you, that I realize I'm hurting because I'm being somewhat selfish. Maybe it's because I'm only focused on what I'm feeling and not yours, or it's maybe I don't truly know how you feel about all of this. You say I don't have anything to apologize for, but there are so many, G. There are so, so many things. I have many, many regrets, for not being....for not being the man you needed. 

I guess you're right. The man I was....I couldn't make you happy. As much as I wanted to, it being all I ever wanted to do...I wasn't able. Maybe that's why it hurts. Sometimes it didn't feel like I truly had chances to try to fix anything, but maybe I was just too oblivious and missed those chances, or just screwed those up too. Not surprising, honestly. 

My counselor said to me that I blame myself too much to blame you for anything. Maybe that's true, but I think even if I don't blame myself, I don't think I can bring myself to blame you for anything either. Because I do believe there are things that you are going through, maybe you didn't know how to tell me, maybe you tried and I just didn't pick up on it. 

The bottom line is: I need to accept that I was not the man who can make you happy. And I suppose I hate that when I tried, I started to hurt you instead. I may have focused on trying to be someone who can make you happy instead of just simply loving you. 

I want to be better than all of this. I don't want to be that man anymore. 

I want to be someone who can love like Jesus does. 

Maybe I had been far from Him that I couldn't hear Him well, and that's why I only chased what I wanted. 

I'm sorry for the arguments we had. I'm sorry I didn't try to resolve them better before we went to sleep. I'm sorry that you have to compromise, and I feel like you compromised more than I did. I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry I argued with you, Grace. I should have managed my time better and actually sat down, put everything aside, and talked with you about all the important things. 

I keep finding myself asking myself all these questions....like did you move on already? How are you doing lately? How's work been? Are you parents doing okay? How's your heart? Maybe that's how I think I show love, show that I care. Maybe I should have asked you what I should do to make you feel loved. Maybe I should have communicated that. 

Sorry for saying "I should have." 

I just wanted to write down a little more closure before....I try to stop using this blog because.....I know I need to leave this behind, because you have and there's no point in me trying to keep it going. 

Sorry my letters tend to get long. 

Do what you need to do, Grace. Please don't fall into any type of hatred. You have a beautiful, beautiful soul that I don't see in anyone. I'm sorry I wasted a lot of that on my selfishness and insecurities that I couldn't see before. Even I know I probably won't have the chance again, but I know if you let God do His work in you, people will see God through you. You already have, and I already saw bits of Jesus in you. 

And what I need to do now is....to be a godly man myself. To pursue Him like only He can give me everything I want, the way it was intended to be, the way I was created to seek. 

Maybe you are right, that we can't be together if we (or just me) need to do that. I guess it doesn't matter now, because it's just me and God now.

Please don't stop loving. Your love is simple and pure and sacrificing and giving. So many times I could see Jesus in the way you love. I know I had....not been kind in the way I mentioned that to you before, sometimes criticizing you for sacrificing too much. I know I said that because I loved you and it hurts to see you giving so much of yourself. But what I needed was to learn from you. 

If God doesn't let us cross paths again... I pray that you will continue to become the beautiful vessel for God to pour out His love, His work, and His will, so that everyone around you will see the love of God, so that you will shine in your world that points everyone to Jesus. I pray that someone will see that in you and realize running with you is the greatest privilege, to share your growth, to share your love for God, for others. 

I pray that you will find true joy in your soul, true peace, and true wisdom in Christ, the way it was intended by Christ. 

I still love you, and I don't think that'll change anytime soon. But....I'm gonna try my hardest to.....leave this blog behind. To start a new one. A new journey to follow God as wholeheartedly as much as I know how. So I can learn to give all of me to God. 

I'll be praying for you. 

Love,

Tim

....it hurts so much to do this, but....I can't keep doing this. I'm gonna keep on hurting and I can't do this. I can't keep reminding myself all this pain. I can't do this anymore. 

Goodbye blogger. 

Father, 

I pray that You can wipe my memory, my shame, my guilt, and anything in my past that does not delight You, so that I no longer remember them, or choose to remember them, just like You have chosen to not remember. 

Free me from these shackles, Lord. Free my from this soul tie. I still love her, but I know that this soul tie isn't what You want. Free me, even if it hurts so much that it will kill so much of me. 

Give me a thankful heart. Give me a joyful heart. Give me a hopeful heart that always remember your promises. 

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dear you

where are you, love

I need to kill myself

The parts that can't stay

So I can be better

because I'm not good

I'm not a good man

and I need to be for God and for you

I'm sorry

soul

I hope no one has ever have to know the feeling of their heart is not worth spending time with 

because God, that's what it has been feeling like lately, that no a single soul feels my heart is worth spending time with 

If this is the enemy talking, Father, please help me rebuke its roar because I can't do this myself 

Isn't it supposed to get a little easier with time? I don't really feel like it's easier 😔

Father I miss her so much, I miss her so so much 

I want to know if I really had made you feel uncomfortable telling me anything I was doing wrong. Or made you feel guilty. And specifically how or what I did,  because I never want to do that again

I guess I'll never know

you

dear you,

I can't wait to carry our taters in my arms and go hiking to see all of God's beautiful, beautiful creations, with you

😔

who am I kidding, I still love you

I hope you are doing well

I hope your heart is doing okay

I hope you aren't having headaches, chest pains, stomachaches, or knee pains anymore, or getting short of breath.

I hope your family is doing better

I hope J is doing well

I hope A is doing well.

I still care so much but I can't do anything, so journal, you'll have to just listen to this. Sorry.

Well, not like it matters, right?

Dear Father,

For the longest time, I've been hearing my own father say to us, "I'm leaving. I don't need/want you" after almost every meaningless fight. Even though he did not actually leave, I think I've always lived in that fear of him actually leaving, basically since I was just a few years old, and I think somewhere deep down started to hate him. For threatening to leave his family. For threatening because he's "the man of the house and what he says goes." For so freely hurting any of his family member's feelings like a walk in the park. Divorce had actually been brought up, that maybe she should maybe just file for a divorce and make it happen already, if she's suffering so much. But she carried through every time he verbally abused her, threatening to leave the family. While I really do admire her strength, I think the damage to me has been done long ago, and he continues to create newer scars that I need to somehow ignore.

Like today he again flipped out and said he's no longer related to us just because he got mad.

That fear and hurt run deep, and I feel like maybe I may be projecting a form of that fear to my relationships with others, that I subconsciously never want to lose anyone in my life. I never wanted someone to not like me, to not want me around. Pastor Park is right, that I'm a people pleaser to most people. 

It all made it so much worse 

God help me 

scattered

Father, 

I don't want to miss her like this anymore

Father I don't think I love her any less and it's still hurting me please take this love away I don't think I can keep holding onto this when she doesn't want any of it

Father, please, I'm begging you. I want to love her right and pour everything out for her but I can't do this anymore I can't be tearing my heart out every time knowing she wants none of it. I want to reach out so bad, Father, I want to share all of the little things in my life with her, I want to know hers, I want to do better for her and for You, but I can't do any of it. You've said to me that You don't want me to, so please help my heart, Father, please. I don't know how to move on, how to stop loving her, I don't know. My heart still wants her and no one else. Am I supposed to hate that I don't want anyone else? Father please help me let go, I don't know how, I don't, I don't, please, I'm begging you

I don't want to ever, ever, again, love someone for myself in any way, for my sake, because they can do something for me. Father please I don't want that, I beg You to help crucify any and all parts of me that defaults to that. Please help me crucify any and all parts of me that defaults to an worldly idol. Please help me kill my own self day by day. The pride, the fear, the selfishness... I'm wrapped in so many layers of sin, so deep into me, and I need You.

If any of this is still a part of me that needs to die please help me kill it, Father. Please.... 

I'm sorry this is still happening, Father, please forgive me. I'm not strong enough. When I confessed everything to You, did you know how much I wanted You to just punish me for what I did and who I've been? I sometimes can't help but feel that this is a punishment, an atonement, but I also know that's not really true.

I'm sorry if I still look for Your Grace in people instead of you, Father. I know I can't earn it in any way, and I'll never, ever deserve it. Never.

Father, I need a new heart, a fixed heart, a whole heart, to do what is good, to do Your will, to never love for myself, to love like You.

I'm sorry journal, my mind is just everywhere tonight. 

Please help me be still so I can rest in your arms tonight

sometimes I feel like telling myself, "she's happier without you" so I can keep killing all those parts in me, so you can have all the better things in life, so I remind myself that it's not about me, my self. It doesn't matter how much I love you or miss you or care about you.

Tim, please, it's not about you, it's about her happiness. It has nothing to do with you.

"She's happier without you"

I still don't know if that's the voice of my head, or the devil, or even God.

Please be still, my heart

jasper

Jasper

I remember. This reminds me of Healy. 

Healy is still the background picture of one of my credit cards. How ironic is it that that card is the one that has no foreign transaction fee and the one I've been using for the trip. 

I want to smack my head on the wall as I say I miss you 

Tim, what am I going to do with you...

all things beautiful

I miss you so much

I keep seeing you everywhere, everything that is beautiful, all the beautiful things around me, everything reminds me of you

I've always wanted this to be our thing

And now I need to let this go too, that I need to kill this dream

I really, really don't want to
I'm trying but I need help 

God help me

Lord, why is my heart so so sad right now

Why does it hurt so much

connect group

I'm actually pretty bummed out that I'll be missing five connect group meetings by going to Canada. I really loved it, especially with the married couple one. To be able to just talk about Jesus and how awesome He is....what He's been doing, and how good He has been to me... And to hear their stories and testimony....I loved it. I loved it so much. I want to just keep growing with people of Christ in our faith. 

Also, gotta love PS118! Thanks Amanda for that one. 

I'm sorry guys I'll be back soon. I'll take pictures! 

amy

Father, help me become the man I can become, so that when the time comes, the first thing my own Amy can see is that I'm a man of Your Kingdom than a husband or a father. My relationship with you will triumph all others, because You trumps all others. I want to always be overwhelmed by your love, because no matter how my earthly relationships are, if my relationship with you is strong, nothing can move me or hurt me. 

Oh Father, you are always proving your love for me, for us. I want to drown in that ocean of love. You see all my tears and turn them into strength. 

I pray that you can use my tears, my pain, my weakness, my slip ups, to work to the greater good for your Kingdom, and that my relationship with you will be strengthened, that all of this pain, suffering, fear, confusion, anything that holds down my heart, will one day glorify You in ways I can't even imagine. I leave all of this at Your feet, knowing that You will use them to work in me and through me, so people will begin to see me and say,"that's not you," to which i can say, "yea, it's not. It's my God," 

I cannot wait to meet to new and real me, Father. Please continue to work on my heart, my soul, and my spirit. 

loneliness

I think embracing loneliness means I need to spend more time with the Holy Spirit 

I still miss you... God, are you saying I'm not allowed to love her anymore? Please help my aching heart...

altar ego

I thought I'd jot down the last few pages of Altar Ego: 

your never-ending love

When I break Your heart, You said, "but I love you."

When I hated You and don't understand why, You said, "but I love you, child."

When it's not logical to love me, You said, "but I love you."

When I walked away, You said, "child, I love you. I'm never leaving you."

When my heart is bleeding and I can't stop it, You said, "come to me child, let Me love you."

When I'm consumed by loneliness and self-hate, You said," come into my embrace, my beloved child, I love you and I'm always with you."

When I feel utterly useless, unlovable, unwanted, and unworthy, You said, "but I love you, no matter how unlovable you think you are, I love you. I've chosen you, and I love you."

When I failed at following you or failed at something, You said, "it's okay, I will never give up on you because I love you."

When it hurts You to love me, when You had to die for me, You said, "but I love you. My love for you is forever and never-ending. I will always, always love you. You will always be my child."

your love

I assumed a while ago that you don't bother reading these anymore. 

I don't want to admit but I'm missing you terribly tonight and I hate myself for it. 

I hope you are doing well. 

How do you let dreams die? 

I don't have to prove to anyone that I'm different. God knows my heart. 

Let me rest in You for a while longer, Father....

I'll probably never see you again, but happy birthday, Poppy. 

I think sometimes the Holy Spirit speaks in different ways

Sometimes He speaks by pointing out my sins and wrongdoings, my lack of integrity, or when any sense of pride comes back again, so I either know I need to turn back to God or so I can avoid doing something.

Other times He overwhelms my whole being with the reality and clarity of how it feels to be loved by God, how He gave His Son so I can be with Him 

Maybe my heart has just been really fragile lately because both of these happen almost on a daily basis now, sometimes multiple times a day, and it never fails to make me tear up in the least 

This is especially true tonight, as I'm being overwhelmed by the lack of integrity in my life, at the utterly failed faith and failed Christian I had been, but yet Your overwhelming love for me despite of everything, saying that "I don't care, I love you and I want your heart." That You never ever, and will never ever, give up on me. 

I'm sorry that the guilt still comes back, because it mattered. It mattered so much, and I'm so sorry, Father. A part of me feels like I need to atone and because of it I've severed your blessings for me. I'm afraid that I'll be so far from you, Father. I'm sorry Father. 

Father, I know that I'm different now, but I want to be utterly different, and be only full of You so glorying You is effortless because I'll only be concerned about Your kingdom, Your will, and Your desires. Take that desire and come into my life and just undo everything that is me, Father. I'll continue fight myself to resist and throw out anything in the way. 

pouring

I'm getting a glimpse of the power of a godly community after joining three different connect groups.

I honestly feel like this is just all God's blessing right now. I'm testing to see if God wants me to be planted in Hillsong or if I'm just supposed to be here for the time being.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep pouring into these people. I'm gonna just pour my time and thoughts and prayers and my heart and love into these people and grow with them in Christ, to worship, to walk the good walk. I'm just gonna connect as much as I can. 

I'm submitting the vessel, Father. Use me how You want me to be in this community, for these people. Thank you for everything.

I don't know whose voice is saying, "you know she's already moved on and long gone, right? You're pathetic." 

dear you

dear you,
I don't know if it's the devil's voice or mine, but

sometimes I'm afraid that you don't exist

that I'll never get to love again

that I'm missing someone that'll never be there

hands that I'll never get to hold
that I'll never get to grow old with you 

.....I might delete this later

submit

My Heavenly Father, 

Thank you for bringing me to Growth Track, Father. I have full intention to finish this program to understand more what my gifts are and how I can cultivate those gifts to serve You better. Thank you for opening the doors of new ways for me to submit myself. It is a daily battle, Father. Help me still my heart whenever it is stirred by worldly things so I can turn back to you and submit my mind, heart, body, and soul to you, so I can hear Your voice and act in faith and with Your wisdom. I want to stoke this fire to serve You as much as I can, Father. Less of me and more of You. 

Thank you for reminding me that I have to undo myself so I can become your vessel, so you can bless me to pour out endlessly. Remove any pride in me, Father, so I can completely pour out for You so people will see that Your love. 

As my examination are finally over, officially ending MS2, I thank you for bring me so far. You will finish what You started, and I have grown in my faith so tremendously, and I'm so grateful for You, God. 

I still sometimes find myself lost in my own regret as deep as the ocean, so much that I don't ever feel like I deserve anything good, any blessing. All the things I've done wrong, all the unloving words I have ever spoken, all the people I've hurt, all the sins I've done, sometimes they all come crashing down again. Maybe I'm still learning to submit it all to You, but whenever it happens, Father, I pray that You'll give me strength to submit my regrets to You once again, Father. 

Father, I love hearing from You. I love your voice. I love the presence of the Holy Spirit. Please open my ears and eyes so I can encounter You on a daily basis, Father. I pray that You can continue to transform my heart, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. 

I want to also pray for her and her family, Father. I pray that You will be with them and just shower them with Your love, day in and day out. Keep them from harm and evil, Father. I pray that You cast out all negative thoughts and plant the seeds of peace, joy, and faith. Heal every hurt in their hearts, Father. Please heal the hurt that I never got a chance to say sorry. Only You can make things right again. I pray that You will show everyone how You want them to pour out for You, Father. 

Father, I submit my love for her to you. The moments of missing her intensely, her voice, her laugh...I submit it all to You. I submit the dreams I had for us....all to You, Father. When my heart clenches, please come and hold me and remind me of Your promises again. Please bless her like never before, Father. Give her everything that I can't. She deserves so much more. I again repent for all my sins....I'm so sorry....I'm sorry Father, please forgive me 

Father....I still thank you, for your grace, your mercy, and your kindness. I pray for comfort and peace. I know I still have ways to go to transform my mind completely....and I will fight the fight. Thank you for a new name. I will praise You with all of my breath. Give me the faith and courage to pour out for You in every way You want me to, in every way I was created to do. I will remember your promises, and I will continue to transform my mind and my being into a vessel for You. 

In Your Almighty Name, 

Amen 

big day#2

Tomorrow's the last exam. 

I still don't think I'm too well prepared, but I don't think I'll really ever feel prepared. 

But I trust God and I know He'll be there with me. And He will take me where He wants me to go. I can't really mess up His plan. I just need to have more and more faith.

I think I'll just spend time with Him for the rest of the night. 

I hope you are well 😔

losing

I saw a post on tumblr where someone talks about "nobody has ever genuinely felt scared of losing me. nobody has fought for me to stay. i make myself too available. i’m always giving. i’m always the one who ends up losing." 


I've always been the one afraid of losing people in my life. Basically since 3rd grade, ever since I left school, I had no one. No one. I didn't have any contact with anyone else besides from my family. For 4 years. Homeschooled. I saw the back of the heads of kids my age on the TV screen. I didn't have childhood friends. I don't know what that means or how that feels like. And then when I came to the states, I had to learn how to be around people. I had to try to fit, even force, myself into others' niche with their own established friends. I failed pretty miserably. I wanted people to like me, I wanted people to stay, but I left because of moving. Every. Single. Time. 

I swore to myself that I will commit to everything I can. I never want to be the person who leaves again. I never want to give up a connection with a person. 

And what do you know, God came around and allowed the exact thing I was afraid of happening. He took you away. 

Now that God had showed me that this was a main problem root for me, I've been trying to learn how to unroot this. How do I not fear losing people? 

I think I had looked for something that no one else can give me. At least, not a worldly one. I wanted the unbreakable-ness of a connection. I wanted the raw openness, the gritty reality of hard love, the exposing of our inner darkness, the ultimate transparency, the kind of love we can both cling on knowing it's a covenant, not a contract. 

Then I fell into the trap of a worldly love with a sticker label of a love that says it's a covenant. 

And then God showed me that with that root, I can't love the way I wanted to love. 

And He was right. I don't have the ability to love right if I don't learn to let go of that past. 

I believe God wants me to learn to find peace and love in Him, that I can be truly content and joyful if I can fully experience His love for me. 

The One who can always, always provide. Who gives me everything that people can't. 

This is when I cried uncontrollably. This is what His love does to you. 

A podcast I was listening said something about the difference of love between two people and the love of a parent for their children, that it's a love no one will understand until they have children of their own. I'm God's child, and I believe while this falls into that category too, this agape love is far beyond my comprehension. It's a love that no matter how many time I break His heart, He continues to give His life. 

God asked me, "why do you want these connections?" Am I doing it for me? Do I want the connection because I want to feel loved by others? I think so, and that is the root. And history has again and again showed me that this fight is pointless, I will always fight a losing battle because if I'm fighting to feel loved, I will lose because feelings are fleeting. 

But God is not. 

People will, at some point or another, not mind losing you. People change. I've lost many, many people in my past. It created the pain and longing that continued for so long because I did not know how to pursue the love of God. I thought I was giving my time, but I was really asking for theirs. I didn't want to guard my heart because of that. 

But God never leaves. 

Oh, God is so, so good to me. I will continue to run to You, Father. Cultivate me so I can love You more and more. 

Thank you, Father. I'm no longer losing, because I'm your child and You have already won the war. I'll lose the battles if I need to, but I have already won the war because You have already won. 

How do I unroot the pain from my past? Let God love me fully so I can learn how to love Him more and more. Let His love pour out from me, because He never gives just enough, but He always overflows your heart so you can give away. The way I wanted to do all along. 

love languages

Learn to love, Tim

focus on the family podcasts

Some really good messages from here...

Overcoming the Heartaches of Life p1

Overcoming the Heartaches of Life p2 

"How long are you going to use your past as an excuse for the choices you are making today?"

Unroot, Tim, unroot

season

After having listened to the well over a hundred podcasts and sermons, I'm finding myself in a season of radical change, that I'm going to change myself as much as I possibly can to be closer to God. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, every way possible. A season of sacrifice, daily submission of myself.

It's such a blessing to be able to learn from other godly people's wisdom and experiences. And obviously, from His words itself.

Spending valuable time with Christ has been so rewarding. I'm so grateful for Him.

Thank you Father for giving me the chance today to glorify You. I know You have the best plan for me, and I submit everything for You to use.

big day!

This is it, we shall meet soon, USMLE.

Can't say I slept very well, and I am still kinda tired, but what can I do?

Time to focus and glorify God :) I got my Jesus you don't scare me

I can hear the devil saying to me that I'm not worth it. I'm not worth your time. I've done enough damage. I should be abandoned.

Maybe a little of it is myself.

I'm my Father's. He knows me and loves me. That is enough. I may have been foolish, but I'm seeking His wisdom. I know I'll be okay.

big day

Well, tomorrow's the big day. I guess I feel okay about it. Doing it for God, and He'll be there with me. He'll provide me with the knowledge and memory I need to go where I need to go.

And then on Monday too.

Hallelujah, I praise You Jesus!

dream

My dad told me that he wanted to get a divorce. I told him I'm gonna tell mom, and he beat me up and I ended up in the hospital

......I don't know what to think about this dream

journal2

I felt I needed to do more on that one verse so....

Also I don't think I'm gonna update everything I put down. That's probably too much work. I'll just keep them in my notebook. 

But so far I'm loving this. 

fool

I'm one big fool. I'm the biggest fool. I'm so sorry Father, please, please forgive me.

If I were you

1) Address your unresolved childhood issues. "If you attempt to build intimacy with a person before you've done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be attempt to complete the hole in your heart."
2) Get out of debt.
3) Break your bad habits now.
4) Postpone the physical component of your dating relationship ALAP . Self-control before you're married results in self-control after you're married. Self-control now trains you for self-control later;
5) Avoid living together.
6) Get involved in your local church. And serve.

journal

Finally got a notebook for my Bible study journal. I'm very excited 

give me faith

Father, 

I feel like I can't escape my faults. Father, how does one mess up this badly? I don't feel like I deserve a second chance. 

I don't know if I can carry my cross today, Father. Please give me the strength. I don't ever want to be apart from You anymore. I don't want to do things by myself because I know I'll always mess it up. I'm just like Peter, Father, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 

Please, take over. I know this is a daily battle, and I'm asking You with all my heart to please take over my mind, my heart, my life, my everything. I don't want to do me anymore 

learn to have more grace

I think this is something I need to learn to do better....

Thanks Pastor J.S. Park for these

• Grace is a gift we don't deserve 
• Grace hears the whole story (1 Corinthians 13:6) 
• Grace gives a generous explanation 
• Grace creates a space where unity can happen (1 Corinthians 13:4-5) 
• Grace is for you. When we leave church, we'll mess it all up again. But God is still showing us grace, so that we can try again, and again, and again. 

source of all

You give and take away. Everything good in my life, You had given me. And yes, she was the best blessing I've ever had, and I can't thank You enough for her. 

But it was a blessing I didn't deserve. 

You have taken her back, Father, and I'll be okay because I didn't deserve her. 

It's Your Story, not mine. 

Thank you for reminding me to keep my eyes not on the Your blessings, but on the Source of all blessings. 

Thank you for your mercy and grace, Father. 

holyspirit

"I want to know if she still loves me" 
"Why do you want to know?"
"...I don't know, because I still love her? Because I miss her like crazy?" 
"I know you do."
"I still want to love her. Can't I love her anymore?" 
"Love Me first." 
"I do love you Father, I wouldn't be here if wasn't for You....it's because I'm asking for me, for myself, isn't it? It's still what I want to know, and not what You want." 
"Yes." 
"I know this shouldn't be about me, and that I should not want what I want, but what You want." 
"Yes." 
"I'm sorry I'm impatient, Father." 
"It's okay, just follow Me. You're my child and I love you. You see how I died on the Cross for you? Now you know how, carry your cross, and I'll carry you." 
"I'm sorry I'm still taking baby steps. I'm scared." 
"Don't be afraid. You are my child, I delight in every step you take towards Me. Remember what I had done, what I said, what I promised." 
"The miracle?"
"Yes." 
"Please help me and love her." 
"I love her more than you ever can, child. Let Me take over." 

visions

I know that I've always wanted to see you grow in Christ, into the beautiful person that He wants you to be. I thought that God wanted us to do that together.

I don't want to make you cry anymore

From how much I have been leaning into the Lord lately, I'm learning more and more how to crucify my old self, that person who simply does not have the ability to lead myself closer to God very well, not to mention someone I love so deeply. I'm learning how to find a new name, a new name that God has for me, a new man that really lives for Him.

Perhaps God is telling me that you need someone better to lead you closer to Christ, someone to love you, someone for you to love.

My heart was so broken when I realize I can't be on that journey, that I can't see that beautiful, beautiful person you will become, that I can't walk with you. But God wants me to focus not on myself, but on you. And...I realize that I simply need to keep trusting in God that He will shape you into who you need to be.

Lord, I know You are faithful, and You are always for us. I am deeply, deeply saddened that I cannot be there for her to support her with my love, but....I know You will. I know someone will. Please help my heart accept that, Lord. Please show me that my love did matter, at least a little. Please show me that my love still matters. I can feel my heart afraid to love again, Lord. I pray that You can remove that fear from my heart, a heart that wants anything from this world, so that I will only want what is truly constant, Lord. Resurrect me into a new man, Lord, so I'll put down the old fire and pick up the fire for You.

I may not see how God will work through you, but I know He will, and I'm so very thankful.

Thank you, Father. Thank you.

prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you, my Heavenly Father, for your love. You see us as all that we are, all our faults, our shortcomings, our mess-ups, our insecurities, our weaknesses, our selfish pride... and yet You love us, You love us, keeping no account of our faults, our sins, our inadequacies. You just want our hearts, to love us so, so much so we can find the only unmovable joy, a joy that nothing in this world can give us, to show us who we really, really are, made in Your image, a new name, so we know who we can become sons and daughters of God.

Thank you for your "just because" love, Father. You love us just because, and if you love us like this, I will also love others just because. Please continue to change my heart so people can see not me but You through me.

I pray that You will continue to change us into the people that You created us to be. I pray that You remove anything self righteous in me, so I can see things through Your eyes, to see others as Your children. Give us peace in this chaotic world. Remind us that You know our pain, because you humbled yourself by becoming one of us. You know the entire depths of our hearts. Remind us that while we live in an imperfect world with selfishness, fractured relationships, and hate, You are perfect.

Give us the wisdom and strength to bring Your kingdom here. We praise you with all that we have. You are worthy of all praise.

Thank you, Father. I pray in Your name, Amen.

.

I just wanted to say that I've never really blamed you for hurting me. I know you needed to do what you needed to do, whatever it was. 

The only thing is I wish you had told me earlier when something was off and be adamant, and not tell me I was perfect when I asked. I needed to know if something is up. 

But I know I can never bring myself to blame you for anything or for hurting me. I still do love you; that hasn't changed....so to me, it still feels like it's us against a problem. 

But now I'm not in your life anymore, please go be happy. I wish I could apologize to your parents, to your siblings, for not being the right man, for hurting you, for wasting your time. I understand if they dislike or even hate me, because I pretty much deserved it. I have a lots of regrets, and I'm praying everyday for God to help free me from them. 

God's joy is the only way for me to be happy now. I have no one else to go to. 

But please, do everything that makes you happy. Please be happy. You said I can't do it, so please, be happy. 




I'm thinking about maybe adding a password or something on my blogger cause it's getting pretty personal. I doubt anyone reads it anyway though. But if I end up doing it, and you still want to read my posts, just ask me. 

Hope you are doing well. 

do you regret being with me? 

I understand if you do. I regret for not being a godly man. 

Please go be happy. I won't taint your happiness anymore. 




In Jesus' name, I command guilt to leave me right now 

dream

I cried for you to fight for us

I begged you to not give up

I cried on my knees in front of your door for three days

......that was a pathetic dream, Tim 

old

I could see myself grow old with you

I'm sorry you couldn't

I guess I should thank you for telling me before I proposed. 

calling

sometimes I feel like asking you if you hate me, because if you do I understand. I deserve that too. I feel like I need to keep saying sorry to everyone in your family because I failed to do what I needed to do.

even though I know God has forgiven me, I understand if someone else doesn't.

You said you don't know who God wants you to become, or where He's calling you to be. It sounds like you are closer to the Holy Spirit than I was. From what I know and how I understand it, God usually tells us where He wants us to go too, and not simply to leave a place, in the form of a calling. And I believe we are to test that call, that voice, until repeating messages from Him say the same thing, then you'll know that it really is His calling.

I hope you find out what it is, more than what or where you want to be. Because serving God is so important, not to mention that if that was one of the reasons we can't be together anymore.

I think God is also trying to tell me that I need to stop wondering if you still love or care about me, at any point in time. Especially if God told you to not to love me anymore, because wouldn't actually mean we need distance? I don't know, I feel like asking for distance would mean I had hurt you so much that you couldn't spend time with me anymore. In which case, I understand too, I wish you had told me earlier, the moment it happened. I wish you hadn't been so nice and said I was doing fine. I wish you had confronted any of my unhealthy behaviors and requests. Because I was so blinded by my love that I didn't see my insecurities, and I'm sorry. I needed to know what I was doing wrong because I'm not the brightest person. Sorry, I didn't want that to sound like asking you to do more things.

What I do know that my love for you, even though imperfect and selfish at times, made me love others better. I don't know if your love for me was the same, but regardless, I hope you can love in a way that makes you love everyone better too. For me, I know not to ask for so much time unfairly now, among other things.

Either way, I'm sorry, for wasting your time on me.

I had a feeling that God wants me to go into a leader position, specifically maybe a youth leader and/or joint a worship team. I'll be testing this and reaching out to pastors and see if this is what He wants me to do.

I hope you are having a joyful day with your family today. Be safe.

t

and another step

Father,

I still see her in my mind

I still see her in the air I breathe

I still see her in my hand

I still see her between the trees, under the falling leaves

I still see her the fields of flowers

I still see her in the stillness of the waters

I still see her in the calmness of the night sky

I still see her in the mountains that only You can move

I still see her in everything that makes my heart and soul happy.


Father, please tell me what I should do. My heart is yours.

step

Lord,

If You want me to do this.....I'm gonna need You so much closer. I can't do this without You.
Please, Lord, I can't stop shaking I need You to help me do this

maybe

Maybe one day we will meet again and see what God has been doing through us 

repentance2

I'm sorry I was terrible at boundaries. It's been haunting me, and there's no excuse. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. 

I really appreciate it

I just wanted to say I really, really appreciate you for still caring and praying for me, g. I just....just thank you. If you see this, I want you to know that I think I'll be okay if you text me here and there, if you want, if that's how you show that you care. I appreciate it, because after how selfish I was in the relationship, I don't really deserve your caring. I just...want you to know I really appreciate it. You contacting me won't be confusing, I promise, because that's also how I show I still care too, so I understand. I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything anymore, please don't feel bad if you don't do something. I understand you want and need the distance to figure things out, to find things that also matter to you, to figure out what you want, to love everyone else. They need love too. From how I was, they need a lot of you. I'll be okay, I'm learning how to lean into Christ. I'm finding more about who I am as His child.

I'll support whatever you want to do, whatever your heart desires. Life goals, family, career, whatever, I'll support you. I just want to support who you are as you discover who you are in Christ more and more. I want to help you grow, not hinder it. I want to just treasure and celebrate who you are. I want you to discover and focus on your gifts and be the best you can be.

I'm sorry to have hindered that. I'll all for you, g.

On another note, a friend of mine had helped me before to discover how to talk to God and figure out who I am in Christ. If you think you want encouragement or any help in that, her tumblr is here. I hope she can help you too. She's got the gift, I tell ya, full of Bible references, she has a gift. Reach out if you think she can help :)

repentance

Dear Lord,

I pray for your forgiveness for all of my sins, Lord, and everyone I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally. I'm so sorry. Please let me love like you. I want to overflow with Your love, Your overwhelming, never-ending, unconditional love. I pray for Your mercy, my Father. I need your grace. I can't and don't want to go on with anything less than Your love. I don't want any of that, Lord. Please transform my heart so completely that I will have only the fire for You. I praise You, forever and always. I love you Father. Thank you for your grace and mercy.

I pray in Your name, Amen.

happiness

I hope you find things that you enjoy doing again. I hope that you can be happy again. If it takes me longer to be happy, I hope you can find your happiness sooner, because if you're happy, I'll be happy.

Please don't stop pursuing God. Please don't stop. He has just sowed a new seed of joy in my that I'm continuously trying to cultivate. It's difficult, but I know this is how to get that true joy. Maybe that's the true joy you said you're missing.

I'm sorry I can't be a part of that happiness right now. I'm sorry I ruined it. I'm sorry I turned that happiness in a burden.

I still.... hope that God will give me a second chance so I can love with a love that doesn't take or smother. I believe that God wants me to have a heart of Heaven that gives again, and again, and again, even if it's broken. Because with His love, I know I will be able to keep giving.

But if He doesn't.... then I understand.

I'm praying for your happiness everyday, g. Every day.

counselor

I reached out to a counselor. I hope she can help me.

pain

I'm so, so sorry that there's been so much sadness, pain, and heartache in your life. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I contributed to that, and I'm no position to help with your pain.

God, I'm so sorry I can't help.

I pray that you can find just a little bit of happiness, somewhere, in Christ, dear. I'm so, so sorry. My heart aches for you. I'm praying for you every single day.

I pray that one day I can somehow bring happiness into your life again, whatever that means.

real love

"What is real love? How do I know if I really love someone? How can I know what's God's will in my relationship?"

I love tblaberge's response:

Hello Anon, it’s very late but I can’t sleep and I just saw this message. As of this answer I’m about to write, it’ll be 9 days till my wedding. In the past couple of years I have had the great honor getting to date a beautiful and wonderful woman named Allie.
I then asked her to be my wife, and the engagement process has been lovely too. All this to say that true love is when you are willing each day to choose the person who you have in your life.
For me, it’s Allie. I choose her daily, and I will choose her for as long as I am allowed to. In our search for love, we think it has to be this mountain top experience, and sometimes it is, but the reality is that love is quiet moments. Love is being annoyed at the other person and then asking for forgiveness later that night.
Love is having peace about something together, and love is patient when neither of you are on the same wave link.
Love is selfless, saying to the other person “I see you and I’m choosing to lay down my life for you.”
True love has to be cultivated, it has to be nourished and cared for. It is far too easy to live on the feeling side of love, but sometimes love requires the fullest amount of our hearts. It must be worked on and shown priority.
One thing I know for certain, love makes us grow in wonderful ways. When I love Allie well, I grow seeing her bloom and flourish. That’s the amazing thing about it, love has a way of giving back what we put into it. It’s not always upfront, but it is there and we are the better for it.
Of course, none of this is possible without Christ’ love. For the wellspring of all goodness and love comes from Christ, in him and through him do we have the example and resources to carry us above our selfishness. When we are empty, he fills us. When we are starving, he feeds us. When we are dying, he brings us to life.
Only in Jesus do I have the ability to lift Allie up in love. That is the key to it all, Christ and his endless love for us.

Oh Jesus, thank you for showing me how much You love me. Thank you for drowning me in your love. I'm sorry I did not truly understand your love until these past weeks. Only You can fill me when I'm empty, so I can continue to pour out love. Thank you for showing me that. I pray for the opportunity to once again pour out my love, but this time, endlessly because, this time, I can, and again, I choose to. Thank you for showing me a love that only lifts and does not drag down. A love that blooms, not smothers. I love you Jesus, I love you Jesus.

suicide

dear future wife

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not yet the man I am supposed to be. I'm sorry I'm a foolish, stubborn, and sinful man.

I was lost. I still have a stubborn heart. I still need to renew my mind. I pray that you can forgive me taking so long.

I'm going through a season of pain and breaking that I'm struggling to hang on. The heartache, the tears, the guilt, the ugly cries on my bedroom floor every day, waking up 3+ times a night because my heart is hurting.....this had to happen. There will be times that I will want to ask God to take me. But please try not to worry. I'm going through worst heartache I've ever experienced, but it had to happen. Because I need to become the best person I can be for God, and for you. I do hope that you are not hurting like I am, that you know how to avoid things like I did not.

I'm sorry that I'm a stupid, stubborn, and blind person who needs to go through all this pain to grow. I'm sorry I have so many wrong roots I have to deal with first. Please forgive me. I'm sorry I have to go through all this pain to learn what it truly means to love unconditionally. I didn't deserve the love I had, so now I had to die so He can revive me.

Thank you for also being strong and fighting for our Father, too. Thank you for allowing our Father to shape you into the person you are supposed to be. Please continue to run closer and closer to Him, every day. Read His words, spend time with the Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit into your heart so He can always speak to you. Have Communion with Him. Reach out to godly people for guidance. Surround yourself with godly people so you are not alone in the race.

I'm sorry I'm not with you right now. My heart and mind are not ready yet, but I will get there. Because I know that God wants us to be together, and He will shape us until we are ready for each other. I know.

God knows my love for you. I'm trying not to feel lonely, and I hope you will be okay too. Focus on God, my love. Keep on running His race, and I will meet you on the tracks so we can run together, soon.

My love, please be strong for our Father. I'm trying to as well. God will join us in His time.

And I know that when it is time, being together will be hard. We will fight. We will argue. We will disagree. There will be times that I will be stupid again, I will be blind again, and I will not understand. I pray that you can be a bit patient with me so I can ask God to help me understand so I can do the right thing. So that we can bring any conflict to God together because we are a team, and it's us against the issues, not us against each other. But we will make it, because we have God.

I love you. I'll see you soon.

heartache

Father, I don't know why my heart is hurting tonight. I feel like I'm feeling so many emotions all at once and it's just throbbing.

I don't like this feeling, Lord, I don't want to feel like no one wants me around

Please, I need your comfort tonight...

learning how to forgive myself #1

Yea, I'm sorry, I.....needed to put this down, because you don't want me to reach out to you.

If you ever see this...

I'm sorry, Grace, for how I acted when you were going through all those things with your family a few months ago. I.....was making it about me, when it has nothing to do with me. Nothing. And I was blaming you for not including me.

I was only looking at my insecurities....I was so....so incredibly selfish. Honestly, saying that I wanted to be included was really, really selfish. I didn't give you space. I kept demanding you at such a time to fill my own insecurities. There was nothing that was okay with it. There's no excuse, it was not okay in any way. And I made you feel bad about it?

I don't know what else to say, because I was 200% at fault, Grace. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry it took me so long to see my problem. I saw my own insecurities more than your struggles and pain. You deserved real love, and that was not what I demonstrated then.

I know I can't change the past....I know I can't change what I did....I know I can't unhurt you....I don't know if there anything I can do to make up for it. I'm.....I'm sorry. I need to atone for my actions.

I'm sorry.

reflection#1: the confusing in-between

When a relationship ends

As I'm listening to this podcast....there are just a lot of things that are coming to mind. I just want to jot them down. I think it'll help me learn about myself and improve.

I need to learn and willing to own up to my own feelings.... and to be honest, not rely on the other person, but on God instead. Wow, I was terrible at that. My goodness.

I'm not sure if I was really solely seeking the romance part. Maybe I was, and yea....it wasn't healthy. I still can't believe I was like that.

"The relationship has to grow up and mature." I've never heard it put like that. Was this what you meant when you said it felt different?

Yes, I agree, it shouldn't be based on feelings only (I'm sorry), it should be a mutual understanding of faults and be built more on a friendship. Maybe you're right, I never truly built that well. And the worst part.....I was not very close to God at many times. I have no excuse. It was my fault.

A third person....I think I need to be more careful with my words. I think I did that with my mom with you. I didn't realize that I may have spoken poorly of you. It hurt so much when I realized I did that. That third person should really be God, and no one else. He's right. I'm sorry. I'll....never make that mistake again. A relationship should always be you, me, and God. No other person, and conversation should only be among us.

I need to learn how to truly own up to my own problems. I needed to learn how to step back from the relationship and look at myself. I wasn't doing that.....

Wow, I was a controlling piece of ****

Yea....I was trying to fix the relationship, but I needed to fix me.

Oh, God, why am I so bad at loving someone. Why am I so bad at self reflection.....this is unbelievable, I'm so sorry I failed you so much, God.

I need to pay more attention to my own feelings. Yes, I need to let myself grieve.

I hope I've been processing my emotions the right way...

Maybe I should go see a counselor.

Waiting.....waiting on God. Coming to terms with what my life will be like now. I know what told me to do....I just need to keep on doing it. I have faith that He knows what I need.

I don't have any Christian guy friends who are really walking with God, except for the two pastors....they don't really count....

Yea, you're right. She was a blessing, and the absence of her is now also a blessing....God wants to change me a resurrect a new me.

I'll definitely really focus on what I've learned about myself through this heartbreak.

You've showed me many positive things. You showed me what sacrifice looked like (I was blind....because I was selfish. I'm sorry). You also supported me in a way no one else could possibly have, in many different ways.....and so much more.....

"Loneliness is what it feels like to be a grown up." Thanks, man. But that's true, because I need to learn how to embrace solitude, because it's not a bad thing.

I will continue to learn about myself, so that none of this will happen again in my future relationships.

The next time I love....I want to be able to love unconditionally and not expect anything back. I will get there. I will get there. Thank you Father. I'll continue to learn about You and walk with You so I can get there. Thank you Father, thank you.