sometimes

...you just need some positive things in your life

Sometimes you just need a light in your life that says, "it is all ok, just carry on"

Why is tonight so difficult

But then I keep doing this

At this rate I'm gonna end up killing myself

honesty

I have always strived to be as honest to my friends as possible, even when my answer would not be the most ideal answer to deal with a situation.

But now...

merp

That almost seemed like a joke to me....

But I guess I just don't want / know how to process that idea right now.

But really, what are the odds... -__-

Sorry, anon.

reason or no reason?

I should jot this down before I forget again

I was thinking the other day, about how we justify certain actions or explain why something is the way it is.

my choice

I saw an old friend yesterday and raided Starbucks. I got my usual green tea goodness, and she a strawberry smoothie. We did some catching up.  She talked about dresses. I talked about some tv shows. We talked about what happens after college.

She wanted to do Peace Corp, and she became especially solid on that idea after her semester in Tanzania. It felt like home there, she said, and that she connected with the environment and felt home with its ancestries. It was great to see her passion about an amazing goal in life.

The topic strung back to me, and a sense of uncertainty that shouldn't have appeared washed over me. What if after all of this hard work and sacrifice...I don't end up liking what I do? I'm in pharmaceutical research right now and, while I do enjoy the objective approach to science, I can't imagine myself sitting at a desk doing data analysis, running gels, C18 columns, or mixing chemicals to digest or quench proteins for 8 hours a day and waiting for that 5pm to roll around. I just can't. As much as I enjoy what I'm helping to accomplish, I'm pretty certain now that research is not what I want to do.

At the same time, I chose the medicine field; I wanted to do this because I want to be able to do something to help people who don't have to knowledge to help themselves; so I can provide a source of comfort because I can do something about certain types of struggle; so I can take away suffering.

I want to talk to people; I want to meet new people; I want to be able to help people I have never met, not to mention the people I love. Some people say these reasons are too naive and generalized, but I know it's not wrong.

There is at least another 7-8 years left of this journey, and I'd be in my late 20s.

I picked up this burden, and I need to carry this through. It is my choice, and I need to live with it until I'm there. I feel like I need slightly more willpower to carry this through.

I feel like, along with many other things in my life, I'm almost becoming weary of what I'm pursuing. There are plenty of other interesting fields I could have chosen: education, psychology, cooking, technology, music... I know I may enjoy those as well, but instead I chose the one of the most difficult career choices.

My parents say that it is the only field that can truly help people, and I know that's true and no one can refute that. But I just think that given that I want to be helpful, I have no choice but to get an MD. Do you know how that feels? It's not an external pressure, but an internal one. It will not be a "job" or a "career," or "my duty."

It'll just be me.

I guess...I'm just saying that I hope I will end up nothing short of loving who I become in the end.

--

Heh, and she was still staring at others' dresses. No Em I'm not gonna stare with you...

the most common question

I am hoping for us

the blind me

I visited a...good friend at her college last year. I got out of school tad bit earlier than she would, we talked and the idea came up, so I decided to visit.

At the time, I just went with the fact that she was really busy during finals week, and I helped out with some of her art projects when she needed help...I know she'll be busy, and for some reason I didn't really think it'd be that much of a deal. I mean, I was fine with it because I haven't seen her in a while, and I wanna meet all these amazing people she said she's met. That was my only intention. I helped out as much as I could/was allowed.

In retrospect, I think aside from the fact that she was busy, I think she didn't really wanted me to visit. What I mean is, even though she brought it up, she didn't really wanted me to visit, and I think it had less to do with finals and more to do with me.

Yea and I obviously didn't realize that then. If I did, I wouldn't have gone, despite that I did want to see her.

Well, I hope everything turned out alright for her.

Welp. Rant over.