new beginning

What I learned? I'm actually just talking to a friend about this.

It's about confidence. When one says that he or she will always be there for you, it's saying that they will be there for you but they won't be there for you. Oxymoron? Yep, you know it. So what does this depend on? That friendship, because it only means friendship. The friend zone? Oh yea, big time.

What's the big deal? Well, you have one chance with any one person, pretty much. Like I used to say, I'd rather stay platonic. But you know what, I'd rather lose than not know the truth. The truth that says this is not the right person and miss it. I'm not afraid to lose anymore. If it's not the truth then it's not worth keeping. If something's on your mind, say it. If you think something might hurt someone, well it will no matter what or how you say it, and dragging on such a thing can only make things worse.

Platonic means nothing more than the tightest friends. And I've learned to try and shoot for it in a different way.

Like someone says, friendship isn't worth it if you are not happy with it. There's only someone who I deserve, and vice versa. I"m not saying this in the sense that I don't care about people's feelings, but simply because there's nothing I can do, and since from past experience, saying can only get you so far, I will always say whatever's concerning me, to the right person. I should be happy with or without others. I can be happier with people, maybe more with certain people than others, and that's totally fine, but now I can be happy with myself. They can't affect me as much as anyone can before. I won't let anyone do that ever again as much as before. Does that mean things have changed? Maybe for me, but I'd like to think and put it as here are more important things at hand, and that is whether I'm happy with myself.

And then maybe I can begin to trust people more again. And that is a good thing.

There's gonna be a lot of new people, and it's gonna be great. 'Cause all they have to know, if they ever will, is that if I give out my heart, they will have all of it.

This is the last time. Everything will now be behind me. I'm marking this a new beginning.

---

So, pretty excited, so far I'm certain that I got my position as a chemistry lab TA for the fall semester, and I am absolutely wicked excited about it :D Also got an appointment set up for a position as a OIT tech person, helping people with computer / technology problems. Oh if I do get both jobs it's gonna be so exciting next semester.

Last day of work today, went pretty well. Chilled at Starbucks a little with a friend; visited high school, etc.

Might LoL a bit later, if not, going straight to bed. Or maybe I'll just chill, 'cause I don't have to wake up early anymore hehe :)

 

distanceIV

I decided to take a break, a vacation. It almost felt like I'm picking back up a break that I stopped enjoying a while ago. I mean, right now life seems to be just for work and work and some meaningless hang outs and work and more work and sleep and trying to keep yourself alive and enjoy life. Do we do all this to prevent ourselves from losing ourselves in our lives? From losing our lives? Why do we do all that we do? What's driving us to do all of these?

Hannah, you would know, right? You told me already. You were afraid. You were afraid that people won't be afraid of losing you. Your parents...I've met them. I'm really sorry. I tried to be there and do as much as I could then, but it wasn't enough. I lost you, and it was my fault. Please don't be afraid anymore, because I was afraid of losing you. I don't know if I am still, because now you're gone, and I can't do anything about anything.

I should have stopped the car. I shouldn't have listened to you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

No one even thought it was my fault, but it was, I was the only person who could have stopped it then, but I didn't.

You were so afraid that no one would care. I could feel it even before you told me. "Just once, you know, I want someone to be afraid of losing me."

What the hell did your parents do to you.

I haven't driven in 2 years. It's still too much for me. Just being in a car is bad enough. The memories flood back each time--the tears, the crying, the car that ran that red light, me slamming on the breaks, the force, the impact, the tumble, your bloody face, my smashed arm, the deformed cars, the flames, the dead look in your eyes. It all replays in my mind, over and over again, on repeat.

Why did I live? Why did I go with you, so at least you have someone there to be with you.

I think I took her for granted, and I hate myself for that.

 

illuminated

Some people find happy things. Some people make happy things. Either good things happen to you, or you make the best out of the things you have, or maybe both. Or maybe neither of the two happens to you.

Many happy things happen to a lot of people. I know a few of them. There's not much I can say or do but that I'm happy for you. All of you. There is nothing more.

----

I think that is just exactly how it is. And honestly, it's really what it is. You can do whatever you want, say whatever you want to say, etc. But if no one is looking for anything, from you, you won't make a difference. Sometimes it works with memories, where you start looking for something and what you find would be those things that people and you did exactly. What you did. What people did.

But if people don't look in the first place, there is no memory established.

I think this is why I still blog. In case people start to look. Start to look for something illuminated.

What are the odds of that? Slim, I tell you. I mean, I don't even want to bother knowing any of this. Who does?

 

lettersI'llneversend

When I say I’m over you, I’m not saying that I don’t Love you anymore. It doesn’t mean that I don’t remember those amazing times we’ve spent together or that I don’t occasionally long for the happiness and joy you brought in my life. When I say I’m over you, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about you throughout the day or that it wouldn’t hurt to see you again or to hear your beautiful voice. It doesn’t mean that my Love for you will wane or that I will ever stop caring about you. You were a significant part of my life and I would be ashamed of myself to ever pretend that you weren’t.

But when I say I’m over you, it means I’ve received with perfect clarity and understanding that I was meant for someone else, and so were you. It means that I’ve accepted the fact that you have moved on and will not be returning, and so further pursuit of your heart will only result in deeper scars in my own. When I say I’m over you, I’m saying that I have learned to be happy without you and know that I can Love again when the moment is right. Yeah, the thoughts of you being with another guy hurt, but that’s because of the bond we had developed over nearly six months. However, if you can find the perfect guy who makes you happier than we were and who will help you grow in maturity and in your faith, then no one will be more supportive or happy for you than I.

I AM over you, and I have moved on. I still Love you, but I see now that we will never be. I could never make you happy in the manner you made me happy, because I know I don’t have what you are looking for. And I want to let you know that I am finally okay with that. I have never said a bad word against you or sought to tear you down since we broke up seven and a half months ago. And since then, I have been intent on guarding your heart and attempting to shield it from as much pain from me as possible, despite the attacks mine has endured. For nearly six months I gave you all my Love; now I pray for your happiness to be complete in your future husband, that he may give you what I didn’t have and more, because you are more than worth it. I have healed and I have let you go, however I will never forget the way you used to Love me, though it seems so long ago, because it gives me hope that maybe someone else can Love me too.

I wish you well

I think this is what it means.

words are no longer anything

Be a filter, not a sponge.

It feels like this:

I know Patrick will be around, but I'm afraid that since he isn't sad, he won't want to spend time with me.

Isn't it strange the times people choose to be generous. Isn't it.

How do you feel infinite?

Why am I doing this again.

You have no idea how much those simple words meant to me. I had no idea how much those simple words meant to me.

We all say to not look into the past. But we look into the future because of the presence of one's past. We all say not to dwell in the past, but we are always dwelling in the experience and memories so that we may go forward knowing either you will find the same positive things or different and more hopeful things.

Words are no longer anything.

Should I believe you? Will I allow myself to believe you? It wasn't you but I have believed words once and words were nothing.

It's like I would die for myself but I can't live for myself 'cause I've lost so much faith in words.

But I'm still writing. I even imagined myself at one point to write all those letters like that.

Are these the letters, just like those?

The tricky thing is, the way it was written, it was for the reader, for me. for you. There's nothing anonymous.

But then everything is also anonymous, isn't it.

But, as messy and ambiguous as everything is, I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. Maybe it IS because I accept the love I think I deserve, even though I don't know what that is.

Or maybe it's because I don't know what I deserve.

I'm gonna go to the airport one day. I'm gonna stay there for a few hours. Quite a few hours. And just watch. I want to see people reunite. I want to see people run to each other, the kissing and the crying, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all the change; the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone. Because there's not much of these in my life.

I write about what I lived. Words other than those are no longer anything.