shouts of joy, cry of hearts, embrace of souls

It's been a while, blog. A lot, a lot, has happened since my last post. 

I think it's ironic that the last time I posted here, it was about the Paris shooting. 

I'm not sure who still reads this, if any. But I still like a place where I can, to some degree, gather my thoughts. 

Within the past 48 hours, there were more shootings. I'm still trying to come to terms with all of it. I have so many questions, but not enough answers. 

Or maybe...do we already have all our answers, but we're just not asking the right questions? 

To the families of the loss, the too many that were lost, I'm praying for you as well. I don't understand how is it possible to harbor so much hate for people. Are we not showing enough love to each other? Is it poor parenting? I don't know. This is all beyond complex and incredibly difficult to sort out. We know human nature is the root of the issue, but are we asking how we can solve it? Is that the right question to ask? We are humans, after all. Who are we to judge, but only to love? 

Rest in peace, Christina Grimmie. You were one of my inspirations, we all loved you so much. I'm praying for your family and everyone who is trying to get through this tragedy. I know you are in a better place now. I know you are next to our Father, and I know that you are looking down and smiling at us, telling us not to mourn too much but to live on joyously, fruitfully, and to spread as much love as we humanly can. That was what you did, and you inspired people to no end. In the meantime, you'll probably be singing to all the angels in Heaven and inspiring them too. 

Death is not dying. I'll see you in Heaven, Christina, and maybe then Gracie and I can sing with you? 

PS: give some of them a break at SSB's too, okay? Not everyone is as good as you! 


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Now that I vented about the cruelties of the world...

Guys, I found the love of my love :) Meet Gracie, my sweetheart.

What else do I wanna say here other than I love her to death? Well, I love her so incredibly much I don't know what to do with myself...

We're in a LDR right now, and it only really threw in a few pickles here and there, but otherwise, I can't wait to spend the rest of time with you, my love. x)

Alright, I should go check in at the security gate and grab some lunch soon ish.

But yes, I have only been working otherwise, I have one month of work left, and I move to my apartment in July! School starts Aug 3rd, with two days before being orientation.


Gracie is planning to come visit in a few weeks, and if I remember, I will update this blog with how my apartment goes and more updates when Gracie visits.

Be safe everyone, and keep sharing the love.

death is not dying

Hey guys, to whoever might be reading this, yea...I haven't posted in a long time. I think it's been roughly two years or so. I have only been using tumblr. But I felt like this is a good time to come back to write about certain things. 

I should be preparing my interview on Tuesday, but I just really need to write this all out. 
There is so much happening this week. Unfortunately, most of these events reflected the darkest sides of humanity. The Paris shooting and Beirut bombing left the world with so much suffering once again. I knew a few friends who lived near the area, and I was sick to my stomach as I was frantically texting them, trying to get in touch to make sure they were doing okay and staying safe. Fortunately, they replied and were not in very vicinity of the incident. But there were so many who were near and in the area. The latest news read 153 people died from the human atrocities that happened that day. A redditor talked about her sister telling her excitingly that she was going to the stadium on the day of the bombing and never came back. My heart broke and continue to break every time I think about and hear about someone's experience of losing someone to people who want to hurt the innocent. 

Even after ISIS claimed their involvement with the incident, I still don't understand how could anyone do this? I am not terribly educated on how ISIS operates or what they claim to be the reason of their actions, but to me, nothing justifies killing the innocent. 

From violence to cutting off wealth and supplies, I've heard multiple different opinions on how to stop ISIS. A part of me want all of them to happen, but another part also wants to say that maybe ISIS truly represents the evil of this world, the acts of Satan. In that sense, there is no way to wipe out evil. If they were truly brainwashed by these so-called leaders of ISIS, to an extent, I feel almost sorry for them, for the amount of hate they have for the world, or for lacking value of human lives. Do they believe that their actions are contributing to the greater good? I really hope their actions have nothing to do with all that virgin promise that I read about, because that is a truly dangerous and horrendous way of thinking....

My pastor brought up Job today. In Job 1, I was reminded that he lost everything--his family and his wealth--within minutes, except his wife and health. With such a strong heart, he fell to the ground and praised the Lord. 

I'm listening to Newsboy's Blessed Be Your Name, and you know what, He does give and take away. Am I strong enough to eventually keep a joyful spirit after losing everything? Can I ever be as strong as Job? Can anyone? He didn't blame God for this sufferings, instead he praised Him. 

I was reminded of what a friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago. She asked me why would God allow or even command killing of others, if killing is simply wrong? I struggled to give her an adequate answer at the time, and I don't think I can at this time either. But after today's sermon, I was reminded that God sent his Son to die for us. He essentially commanded his Son to die for the people they loved. He sacrificed his own Son so no one else has to die for their sins. I hope you understand the power of this love. Am I ever strong enough to give up my own child so my friends, acquaintances, and even strangers and my own enemies, will live? I don't know if I am ever capable of this much love, but I know that is the direction I want to grow, and I need His help. 

I would like to believe that at least some of the victims are now in heaven with God, living happily, without tears, without pain, without sorrow. Rachel Barkey, a Christian who is now with God after cancer took her life, believes that death is not dying. For Christians, I think that is a wonderful definition for death: with a faith that saves, it is anything but dying. 
As we carry on our lives amidst of the tragedies and mourning, please just give out love as much as you can. Continue to share even more love and be even more caring than you think you can. Sit with those who need company. Hug them and let love pass between you. Share Christ's love for others as much and as strongly as you can...even with your enemies. 

Stay strong, we are all in this together. 

little kids

Thinking back to that day when my mom's friend came over, that 10 year-old girl with probably only 20/40 vision without her glasses...

I realized that I haven't, in the longest time, interacted with little kids. By little I mean like <10 or something. Because honestly I think your interaction with them is very important, because it may just as well affect their worldview later in life.

Just as I remembered that little girl, this article was posted on my fb newsfeed.

Go give that a good read, because it is a wonderfully written and illustrated point at which I think everyone needs to take note. I mean, if I do become a pediatrician, this is totally something I need to look out for on a daily basis.

And besides that, it's just the right thing to do-to turn your focus on things that matter more, that can direct them to a healthier mindset. I believe this approach can also indirectly boost kids' self esteem.

So please give a read and take its message to heart!

kids

When I was preparing samples in the lab today, two of the supervisors and researchers of the group were chatting about their kids. Topics included funny things they did and/or said, what they wanted to do, their habits, what technology has done to them, and how they're making friends, for those who have been. I joined in when they started to talk about what has changed in terms of how kids live their lives now compared to our days (yea, the world is moving this fast)

Idk, all this talk makes me wanna be a dad. x.x

On another note, this is my 300th post! Go me haha

the love inside the strength of heart

Sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, you look at your agenda and think to yourself, "ugh, this is going to be a bad day without breaks." Other times, you look forward to an event for which you have been preparing. You want to be good at what you prepared because it's the little good things in life that can keep you going. That little thing can very well do that, whether it be an exam, a competition, an interview, college...

Or a marathon. 

Yesterday, April 15, 2013, was Patriot's day, and the day of the annual Boston Marathon. Normally, it is a day of spirit, determination, and accomplishment. Hundreds of thousands of people, athletes or not, gather here to enjoy racing with themselves. 

I was studying neurobiology in my dorm when I looked up on my news feed and saw a friend's status about the marathon. It read something along the lines of "I can't believe this happened....I hope everyone's ok. Prayers to the runners." The friend's habit of trolling statuses threw me off for a few minutes, but I decided to look up Google news. Indeed, some sick individual(s) had placed explosives near the finish line of the marathon and two had gone off. 

I couldn't help but immediately put everything into perspective: Boston is two hours away, 15 mins away from my home town, with innocent people running for the joy of running. I know people there; I know people whose families are participating. Not trying to be literal, but it really hit home. To an extent, no one ever thinks that such a thing could happen to themselves or their hometown. But it does, and it did. The sadness was indescribable. I know my family went to CT for the weekend, and I know that most of my other relatives are not near the Boston area during the time, yet an unshakable sadness clung to my soul. 

There were three deaths and more than a hundred injured. Pictures of the bombing flooded almost every social media site and news outlets. Everything you see was simply the fact that you wake up with the world one way, and in a blink of an eye, it was another. The worst part is the bombing didn't seemed to be targeted to specific people as the bombs went off in the sidewalks, in the very vicinity of many bystanders. 

There is no doubt that the world will turn everything into a political mess because it's a way to get powerful. Yes, while fixing the world and making the world a safer place has its political extent, when humanity shows its ugliest form, what we need to do is simply help the ones who need them, and catch the people needed to be caught. It is simply as that. 

Among the shocking photos from yesterday were people running away from the explosions, but also the heroes who run into the chaos. Whether they were the infamous Boston police, EMT, runners, or just bystanders, even in the ugly face of humanity that you still see the best side. 

Boston, society where the US began, was attacked. We mourn for the innocent who passed away and were injured, but we don't feel fear. I don't, and probably will never, understand why someone would ever think of such an act, or what they are trying to prove with an attack on Boston. I do not wish to know, and I don't think they deserved to be heard because there is no justification for what they did. I just want to tell him/her one thing: we will not go down easily. Boston is stronger than you can ever imagine. We, as humanity, are stronger than you can ever imagine. We still stand and show the world what humanity needs to be. 

You don't mess with Boston. Ever. 

just in case

So, just in case the world ends in....9 mins or something.

Well, first of all, I won't even be asleep yet lol.

Lots and lots of love to all my friends! Love you all. <3

I've had a pretty good life. Everyone I've met, in high school, college, work...guys, you are all amazing. If I were given the choice to relive or change my past, I would, without a doubt, keep all of you where you are, who you are.

Love you guys :)

what is awakening

A few things.

1) I'm done with my junior fall semester.
2) I'm home.
3) I'm supposed to be happy about this, but I'm not as happy as I thought I'd be. Reasons being:
4) I miss my friends
5) The news today about the elementary school shooting in Newton, CT.

#1 is just yay, and I can get into #2-4 any day. But I want to talk a little about #5.

This was my morning: I woke up, struggled to get out of bed but got up around 10:30. Dressed, washed up, surfed the web for 10 mins, studied for history until lunch. Lunch, exam at 1:30. Probably bombed that terribly, but at that point I didn't care as much as I should anymore because I was done with everything and ready to go home! I checked my phone, and the news...awakened me yet with another piece of reality.

Instantly my heart just sank. I watched a news report video. They had footage of parents....learning about what happened to their kid, to their precious, irreplaceable flesh and blood. They uncontrollably threw their hands towards their faces, covered up the streaming tears, saying, over and over again, "no it's not my son/daughter. No it's not true."

Another picture showed a girl on the phone but crying hysterically. Her mouth tells that she was not forming words as she tried to talk on the phone, maybe telling her mom, or dad, that her brother or sister is....not here anymore.

That really really broke my heart. Seeing that photo, watching that video, I literally just teared up. All of a sudden, I wasn't thinking about my finals being over; or the end of my semester; or the fact that I was going home in a few hours; or the fact that I was exhausted from my hell week. At that point, the only thing I wanted to do wasn't go back and pack, get food, shower, or go home. I wanted to fly to CT and offer comfort to anyone who needs it. I wanted to be there, as a stranger, and acknowledge that pain because that sick soul definitely did not.

Are we here to ask why the shooter did such an inhumane action? Is this an awakening? Why do we need people to die to wake up? Why do we need to experience horror before we realize we need change?

The shooter shot his mother first.

He. Shot. His. Mother. First.

Let that sink in for a second.

Yes, we can scold, blame, verbally abuse him for doing...what he did. Yes, we can call him this sick, selfish fuck who didn't value life. I really really want him to be alive right now so he can see just how much pain he had caused.

I can't even imagine if that were to happen to me. If my family, or my SO, child, or even my friend, was involved in a shooting. I would want it to be me, and not them. If there's any possible way that I can prevent such a thing from happening to anyone I love, or even just anyone, I'd do it.

Do we even want an explanation from him? Do we need any? I don't, because there is simply nothing in this universe that can justify what he had done. Nothing.

Something made him this way. Even if gun control was much more strict, there's no guarantee he wouldn't get guns. He was definitely more screwed up in his mind than anything, if not anyone. Maybe he had only met selfish people in his life; maybe he was bullied, tortured, assaulted, beaten, laughed at, and condescended. Could you see how maybe-just how maybe-he could have done this? Perhaps, but no amount of hatred, disgust, or ego can justify killing. Ever.

What if he had experienced the good and better things in life? What if he had loving parents, understanding friends, respecting colleagues, and knew many kind souls? I dare to say that if these were true, he would not have gone down the path that took the lives of the innocent.

What am I saying?

Be nice, loving, and understanding to people. You never EVER know how much power you have, and you will never know what your tiniest gesture could do. Offer small gestures of kindness. Be thoughtful and respect others. Don't wait until someone else, or the government, to step up. Start with yourself.

Rest in peace. I pray that you all rest in peace. Prayers go out to the parents, relatives, and the heartbroken.

Rant over.

what matters

This weekend is long weekend in so many places. Monday's off for a lot of people, even though Veteran's Day is today. They could have just left it on Sunday, but I guess it's nice that they are still taking Monday off for us.

Before I begin a small rant, I just want to leave this photo here (from reddit):

I'm not gonna lie, but this image is one of the most heartbreaking images I've ever seen in my life.

This is Jason K. Edens, 22, from Tennessee. He was assigned to 1st Squadron, 13th Cavalry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team in Texas. On April 15th, his unit was attacked by a small arms fire in Laghman, Afghanistan. He did not survive his injuries.

He knew he was putting himself in harm's way. His wife Ashley knew he was putting himself in harm's way. They knew that the ever-dreading day might come, and I undoubtedly believe that they pray everyday the day never comes. And yet, this picture brings out almost all the unworthiness of war and simply the sound of heart breaking of Ashley. They're both only 22, and yet they had to suffer this possibility. I cringe just at the thought of that.

Maybe Jason's encounter with arms wasn't a major one in the scheme of history; maybe he was simply one of the tons of people who lost their lives. But this is the atrocity of war, the living proof that so many people do not value human lives. Is it a reality check? I guess so. I simply have no words for the fact that war still exists. A professor once said, "answer to everything in history is power." Power is such a costly thing to have, I don't think it's worth the amount of tears and sounds of cries that this lone word of "power" has resulted. It just isn't.

And on a greater scheme, war was what created "freedom" we have today, whatever that may mean. Maybe ways other than war would not be possible because people can still resort to war for immediate results. As long as war remains an option to resolve tension or to obtain something, it can and will be used. It's just so sad.

My heart and prayers go out to all the families, defenders, and soldiers across the globe. The words "thank you" cannot express what you do, what you have to endure, but for us who are not in your position, almost anything we do fall short to your achievements.

Thank you. Remember the ones who lost their lives yet won with their souls. Before humanity knows the atrocity of war, before we can only fight war with war, my prayers will go out to you all.

eleven years ago

When we think of the past, sometimes we only think of memories; these could be what we learned, experienced, and of those we love. Whether they are still here or not, they remain in our mind and soul forever, because they have shaped everything we are today. The events are no different.

Eleven years ago, a tragic event occurred that struck not only deeper into our souls but also-once again-pierces the idea of humanity.

I wasn't in the states at the time. In fact I haven't moved to the states yet (I did that about 3 years later). The attack of 9/11 left everyone dumbfounded at the capabilities of humans to do atrocious things. Yes, I wasn't nearly close to the incident, but every single channel on the TV told of the truth that no one wanted to believe. Every frame seemed straight from a sci-fi movie, except it was very real. I was young, and I certainly did not realize the extent of this event. I remember thinking, "wow, did this really happen? Wow, that's terrible." Maybe it appeared more real to my parents when they're watching the news. But that didn't matter at all. Because it was an act that disregarded the value of human lives, and no one has to be there to know this.

I didn't lose anyone close to me on that day. My parents didn't lose anyone close to them on that day. But you know what? I know that there are people whose close ones have been in those buildings and planes, working, supporting their families, doing good work. That day could have been any day, it doesn't matter when or where it happened, but it happened.
Sorry for the rant, I guess I wanted to write something more than just a "status for 9/11." I'm not saying that a short status is any worse or lacking than a longer post, but I just wanted to write down my mind and thoughts.

Maybe the hijackers have tried to make a point. But human lives shouldn't be the medium.

You can see everywhere saying something like "911, we will always remember" or "never forget." These go so much further than just to remember the victims and human violence. What is it that we should remember? To remember human capability, what we are capable of and what we can do because we can; to remember evil can come from anywhere; to remember that innocent people are always there; to remember that fear can strike deeper than we ever imagined; to remember that everything we do can have everlasting impact on people's lives.

My words, thoughts, and prayers go out to those who have lost their lives eleven years ago, the ones who had loved ones lost eleven years ago, and those who had been in the vicinity and experienced a similar, if not as strongly, encounter to human atrocity. May they rest in peace in heaven, may God comfort the grieving, and may this serves as a reminder of what should never, ever, be done.

Love and hugs out to everyone :')

Think about the love inside the strength of heart

Think about the heroes saving life in the dark

Think about the chance I never had to say

Thank you for giving up your life that day

the reason behind reason

This post will be mostly second person, to my friend, D. 

I read your message/letter about five hours ago, I think about the time you wrote me because my phone got the message so it rang and buzzed. I thought it was just a Facebook notification, which I normally just ignore/check later. For some reason I decided to check, and it turned out to be your message. 

Five hours ago was about 9pm ish. I was on my way to a friend's LAN party. I had a good time, if you're wondering. It is 2:00 AM now, and although I'm pretty tired, I feel I should still write you something, or else it doesn't feel right (and I'd feel like a terrible friend). I'll try to keep it short and continue anything else tomorrow x)

First of all, don't worry about the letters, I'll send you my address for the next semester the moment I go back to school. Actually, thanks for holding them off :) 

I'm sorry to hear about all the stress that's looming over your life right now. I agree, changes are scary. I might as well be in your shoe when I was starting college, but I think all the moving and people changing got me used to the idea of "changes" and, you know, I guess anything else just became buffered and damped; that I'm not all that afraid of changes anymore because there's always change and there's nothing I can do about it. 

I think what you gotta do is to figure out what you want. You said your friend is afraid of leaving everything behind. Does she want to? If not, she can definitely leave ways to keep in touch with people whom she wants to keep in her life. 

Growing apart is perhaps one of my worst fears; to grow apart from someone you used to know (ok, not intended), love, and cherish, only to realize that all of a sudden they're strangers to you, that somehow you don't share something anymore. Then you began to wonder whether it was you who changed, or was it them? Yea, you can keep in touch with them, but proximity doesn't prevent two people from growing apart either. It might be harder for two people who still see and hang out with each other to grow apart than two with distance, but the opposite is just as common. I don't think there's a way to prevent growing apart. Everything (and I mean everything) tests your friendship with someone, whether the two will stay and push it through the rough spots or somehow shatter into hatred or indifference. If your friendship is strong, then there's little to worry about. I mean, who knows? Things can also unexpectedly strengthen or even create a (stronger) bond that you thought you never had (I'll always be grateful...for the people I met, and the bonds that I've strengthened, somehow) 

I guess you got a lonely house near the beach...well, it won't be much longer. Plus, solitude gives you time and peace to yourself for thoughts. It's usually healthy. Think positive :) I don't know, but personally I think I unconsciously place people and friends' decisions off into the...abyss, if you will. What I mean by that is that I assume and normalize people's rejection. Yea I know it sounds kinda pessimistic, and maybe it is. But the thing is it makes every little positive gesture a pleasant surprise. 

I totally agree with you being excited of moving out and just have a life of your own (well, sort of). I guess I was lucky to have roomed with two good friends back in high school when I first moved out to college. In a sense, nothing had changed with them two as roommates. Change? I don't know if I had prevented some change then, nor was it intentional. Either case, I don't think it would have made much difference. I think my adaptability got trained a bit too well over the years...zzz I just...went with the flow when I couldn't do much. Don't worry too much; worrying never gets anywhere :) 

No I have not seen The Black Dahlia, nor read The End of Mr. Y. I can look up the movie and see if I can watch it sometime. 

Alright it's 2:40 AM and I should be heading off. Thanks for the message, I was starting to miss you :)

-l.h- 

P.S. If you can, sleep earlier, D. It's better for you :)

P.P.S. Ohohohoh, check out this :) *huggg*

suggestion?

So I'm thinking of doing a weekly thing with a song, so like a song of a week thing. That way I can at least post once per week xD What do you guys think? :3 


Oh yea so the post office opens tomorrow...so letters shall be sent tmw xD 


Also, take a read at this article. :') RIP Marina Keegan. I never knew you, but everything you said I've felt before and I am sure to say that we are rather alike. You and your words will be in my thoughts tonight. Rest in peace, Marina. 

weather y u no warm

Spring break flashed by with absolutely gorgeous weather back home, and now NE weather strikes again once I'm back at school with 36 degrees and 20 mph gusts. NE why so cold?! :( 


Nevertheless, spring will come at some point, and this means that I need to move things around so that I will have time for more sports and just outside time. Trying to gauge from what I've been doing with all the classes and labs and I think Monday.Tuesdays and every other Wednesday (MAYBE) are more probable (well, and the weekends, obviously). 


Also, I've been looking for a lot of internships, and honestly it's rather frustrating when so many companies only want people with BS degrees. It's like I want the experience before I can even get that. It makes sense that they require such people, but shouldn't there be a decent number of place that want undergraduate interns? I guess keep looking xD 


With that said, back to the summer internship hunt while listening to music. 

will you?

I figured out what the problem is. The reason why I get sad so easily. And this is why.


I envy people, I want to be just like other people, because they always seem to have things I don't have, people I don't know, people who love them. I see the best in other and the worst in me, what I don't have, what I want. I can never seem to see what I do have. I can never be happy because I can never be like other people. That just sounds so wrong. Oh God, how much do I actually envy...the people they are, the friendship they have, they're everything that one cannot ask for, no matter how much one wants it. It simply does not work. I have denied this fact for so long, but now I'm trying to just lay it all out. I'm jealous of the friendship among my friends, because I always feel that I will never have those kinds of friendship. Whenever I see people, see my friends interact with each other, this whole thing comes around and stabs me in the heart again, and I don't even realize it. 


Don't you see? The thing is that I do have amazing friends. This is exactly the reason why I feel like this because they're so amazing and beautiful and loving and easy to get along that I have never felt so....detached from them. It is because that I love them so much. I can't be more grateful for them being there, and yet it always seems like it's so easy for them to walk out of my life. What do I do? I mean, what can I do, I'm just a friend.  


The funny thing is I figured this out in church today. 


I want to lie on the grass at night, in the pouring rain, and just sing. 


It hurts, to realize this now. 


I mean, even if I know someone who's going through this, and the person wrote this, and somehow I magically finds this. Will I even do something? Will anyone even do anything if someone finds out how someone is living his/her life, in something like this? What will you do? What can you do? I totally feel like I'm shouting right now. 


Personally, I would go up to them and just hug the living crap out of them, until they realize why I'm hugging them, that they know that through my hug, I care and want to do anything I can do make them feel like they're worth every little thing they've ever done and thought and everything to come. 


I want to go to a Hillsong United concert. 

Sopa

A friend of mine posted on my fb wall with a link to an article that says Wiki will initiate a "blackout" in protest of SOPA, starting in about 12 hours from now. 


I must say, I have slightly anticipated such action from at least some websites, and judging from wiki's blackout (for 24 hours starting at 05:00 UTC on Jan 18th) we can very clearly see the impact of SOPA if it were to pass. For beginners, not just wiki would be affected, but also major sites such as youtube, blogs, tumblr, images sharing sites, social networks, and even search engines. 


Yes, piracy poses a problem to copyrights and that is what they're aiming to shut down with SOPA, but again their proposals are too broad to narrow down piracy and would altogether bring down the internet as it is. Given the current piracy technologies, if you will, there is almost nothing you can't pirate these days. Nevertheless, I think there are other ways of preventing piracy if that's their main goal, just not SOPA. 


I'm not altogether too worried about SOPA being passed as it seems to me that most individuals realize the extend and the power of SOPA in destroying the internet itself, and not just piracy. 


I shall wait and see my own reaction to a Wiki-less wednesday tomorrow; it's gonna be very interestingly frustrating. Haha.