people and trials

You know the saying somewhere along the lines of "some friends stay and some leave; those who leave teach you a lesson, and those who stay are the ones worth keeping?"

Well, now I have a slightly different opinion.

reason or no reason?

I should jot this down before I forget again

I was thinking the other day, about how we justify certain actions or explain why something is the way it is.

why do we get to choose?

As I was falling asleep last night, a thought came to me that I wanted to just touch upon, so I grabbed my phone and jot it down before I called it a night.

--

Everyone has that one person who they wish would love them, and that one person's love immeasurably towers over everyone else's love at times, or maybe all the time. For some reason, that one person's love is the one that matters, and when the possibility of their love being present arises, other people's importance seems to fall out of equation quite easily.

Why do we get to choose who loves us? You can't just diminish everyone's care and love for you just because that one person doesn't reciprocate. I know that this is not always the case, but I've seen a few of my friends do this and it's just not the right thing to do.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think love is hard enough to come by, don't be picky about who loves you, but be glad that someone does. It'll only make you miserable.
--

On another note, I have deleted my blogger link from facebook. Not exactly sure why I did that, but it was kinda an impulse from the feeling that facebook contrasts tumblr and blogger too much.

That is all.

the small changes

I want to point out a few small things that I have changed, or started doing, and perhaps the reasons why, as well.

To begin, I started using "bud" and "buddy" a lot (if you have known me for a while you'll know). I actually started using them because of a friend who uses it quite often. In a way, it creates a sort of bond between the addresser and the addressee, as the name suggests. I think that may have been the reason why I started doing it. I used to just use people's names, but I decided to start using "bud" if I want to express familiarity or the desire of such. I haven't decided if it's for the better or worst, yet. I mean, it enables me to interact with people easier, but at the same time it almost sounds shallow at times.

Thanks to my supervisor, I started saying "fair enough." She says it so much that about a quarter of the times it didn't even make sense. I should start a nickel jar for the times I restrained myself from saying "fair enough"...

I think I have unconsciously started to find a mental comfort place before falling asleep because I feel like it's sometimes the only way I can fall asleep. As in, it would be the only effective way to stop my mind from wondering and settle down because I am in a certain place that calms my mind and heart. I never remembered actually doing that until some point this year, I believe. Not sure if that's just plain normal or what lol

My brain refuses to do math a lot of the times. Not sure if I'm just getting lazier or what.

I think that's it for now. I bet there are more but that's all that came to my mind atm. Peace out, readers!

kids

When I was preparing samples in the lab today, two of the supervisors and researchers of the group were chatting about their kids. Topics included funny things they did and/or said, what they wanted to do, their habits, what technology has done to them, and how they're making friends, for those who have been. I joined in when they started to talk about what has changed in terms of how kids live their lives now compared to our days (yea, the world is moving this fast)

Idk, all this talk makes me wanna be a dad. x.x

On another note, this is my 300th post! Go me haha

i want one too!

So I’m actually typing this up in word because apparently this 8am shuttle does not have wifi on it -___-

And since I won’t have too much free time to blog during work (at least I don’t think I will today), I decided to blog right now and then upload it when I get to work

I think it was Sunday when a friend of my parents visited. They looked like a jolly family and such, but when I saw their 10 year-old daughter, honestly it became almost sad.

Her name is Stephanie and she already wears glasses. Medium myopia, actually, around 5. When she saw my brother with his facebook open, she asked him if that’s his facebook. I missed the rest of the conversation but I believe that she wanted to add him because, well, she most likely stares at a tablet or an ipad all day.

It is no doubt that everyone has benefited, one way or another, from all these technological advances that have drastically improved our daily convenience and how easily we can communicate with other people. But think back about a decade: smartphones were just about rolling out as the cutting edge technology, tablets were just getting started, with such limited varieties on the market. We see more elementary kids play in the playground than finding them looking down at their smartphones or tablets, talking to their friends on facebook, playing games there, on those tiny screens. And now, with these devices so popular and drastically cheaper than they were before, it is more than expected to beginning seeing kids owning these devices at such a young age. To an extent, it is beneficial in the sense that they can familiarize themselves with these technology early on in life, but they are hurting their eyes and their social life as well, and it bothers me.

Kids shouldn't be allowed to own these things at such a young age. I guess I’m saying that I will most likely not get my kids tablets and such before they’re like at least almost done with middle school. I don’t want my kid to be nearly blind by the time they get to high school just because they also want to talk to random people from facebook. Guess what, buddy, sometimes your facebook friends don’t mean a thing.

I will definitely try to not fall for the "I want one too" rant from them. 

Rant  over :P 

summer part 1

After about two weeks of this hectic summer, I decided to reflect on my work schedule and such.

My daily weekday schedule goes like this:

6:00 am : wake up
6:20 am : leave the house
7:10 am : catch shuttle to Genzyme
7:45 am : arrive at Genzyme
8:00 am : work "starts" (lol I'm usually the one of the first ones there)
4:30 pm : get off work, take shuttle to another shuttle stop
5:15-5:30 pm : catch shuttle back to Boston
6:20 pm : arrive at Boston, parent pick me up and we head home
7:00 pm : dinner (around then)
8:00 pm - 10:00 pm : doze off, tries to study, the interwebs
10:00 pm - 12:00 am : trying to actually go to sleep lol

How is this working out so far? I think it has been alright, and considering I have been increasingly becoming less tired each day by the time I get home, I'd say that my body is slowly adjusting to this rather "healthier" lifestyle. The only catch is that I will be starting MCAT classes tomorrow, about twice a week from 7-10pm. This means I'll have to eat dinner either on the car (leftovers, probably) and basically crash after I get home.

I'll talk a little bit of what I do at Genzyme, in my mass spectrometry group.

For the past two weeks or so, I have been preparing samples (brain this time) for MS analysis. In other words, I had lots of aliquots, solutions, and buffers that I needed to prepare. For the most part they're decently easy, and I'd say that the major problem lies in my unfamiliarity with the building itself, as I have already found myself lost countless times when I'm looking for a lab, the storage closet, reagents, solutions, etc etc.

At the weekly meeting during my first week there, groups performed some presentations of what they have been doing, etc. It was interesting to see their current progress, and the meeting got rather exciting when one of the reports touched on UPR's and post-mods. I chuckled to myself ;) My manager said I may be helping out with other parts of her research, which--to mention one--would include some cell cultures and such.

There are a few downsides, however:

1. The shuttle that takes me back to Boston has this horrendous driver. I simply cannot not feel sick to my stomach (literally) taking that shuttle back because he needs to stop slamming on the gas in Boston and cruising up 40's and then slamming on the breaks right after. Worst driver I have ever ridden with, no doubt. 
2. The computer I work at is technically a data analysis computer, and apparently it means it has very limited access to many things--or at least, not as much access as a normal user computer. I have run into numerous authorization issues regarding folder access, training access, and even email access on my first day. There may be a chance that I can get moved to another desk but I'm not counting on that. Everything else works fine on it, just certain things just NOPE. 
3. My direct deposit is like major-derping right now. They emailed me last Friday about my void check being insufficient to set up my direct deposit. I had to wait until Tuesday to call them (since I work earlier and get out of work later than my bank branch -_____- ). I ended up running to the bank Saturday to pick up the documents because the ones I requested from the call hasn't even come in yet. Now that he has all the documents, I hope I get paid soon (it's a good amount too...for a college student lol) 

At least I have a decent view out my window :D

Schedule-wise, this will be most of my summer, (un)fortunately. Guessing my internship ends around the 16th of August, I have a few other things planned for the last two weeks of summer. They are:

1. MCAT; I have to reschedule my current test date (July 26th) to Aug 22nd or 28th. It's $90 to reschedule. Yea. $90. Almost fell out of my chair when I saw that. 
2. An endoscopic microsurgery (for nasal polyps) -____- that should be the last week of summer, I believe, since my parents believe I might need a week to recover. 

Well that's that, for my early summer. I hope your summers have been much less busy than mine has been!

to walk with someone empty handed

In my heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out, Lord 

I was listening to Hillsong in the shower, testing my vocal range and such. All of a sudden I realized that if I ever had the chance to go see them live, I don't have any friend to go with. It made me sad.

You know, a few religious friends would be nice. I guess I gotta go find some, eh?

Meh.

the love inside the strength of heart

Sometimes, when you wake up in the morning, you look at your agenda and think to yourself, "ugh, this is going to be a bad day without breaks." Other times, you look forward to an event for which you have been preparing. You want to be good at what you prepared because it's the little good things in life that can keep you going. That little thing can very well do that, whether it be an exam, a competition, an interview, college...

Or a marathon. 

Yesterday, April 15, 2013, was Patriot's day, and the day of the annual Boston Marathon. Normally, it is a day of spirit, determination, and accomplishment. Hundreds of thousands of people, athletes or not, gather here to enjoy racing with themselves. 

I was studying neurobiology in my dorm when I looked up on my news feed and saw a friend's status about the marathon. It read something along the lines of "I can't believe this happened....I hope everyone's ok. Prayers to the runners." The friend's habit of trolling statuses threw me off for a few minutes, but I decided to look up Google news. Indeed, some sick individual(s) had placed explosives near the finish line of the marathon and two had gone off. 

I couldn't help but immediately put everything into perspective: Boston is two hours away, 15 mins away from my home town, with innocent people running for the joy of running. I know people there; I know people whose families are participating. Not trying to be literal, but it really hit home. To an extent, no one ever thinks that such a thing could happen to themselves or their hometown. But it does, and it did. The sadness was indescribable. I know my family went to CT for the weekend, and I know that most of my other relatives are not near the Boston area during the time, yet an unshakable sadness clung to my soul. 

There were three deaths and more than a hundred injured. Pictures of the bombing flooded almost every social media site and news outlets. Everything you see was simply the fact that you wake up with the world one way, and in a blink of an eye, it was another. The worst part is the bombing didn't seemed to be targeted to specific people as the bombs went off in the sidewalks, in the very vicinity of many bystanders. 

There is no doubt that the world will turn everything into a political mess because it's a way to get powerful. Yes, while fixing the world and making the world a safer place has its political extent, when humanity shows its ugliest form, what we need to do is simply help the ones who need them, and catch the people needed to be caught. It is simply as that. 

Among the shocking photos from yesterday were people running away from the explosions, but also the heroes who run into the chaos. Whether they were the infamous Boston police, EMT, runners, or just bystanders, even in the ugly face of humanity that you still see the best side. 

Boston, society where the US began, was attacked. We mourn for the innocent who passed away and were injured, but we don't feel fear. I don't, and probably will never, understand why someone would ever think of such an act, or what they are trying to prove with an attack on Boston. I do not wish to know, and I don't think they deserved to be heard because there is no justification for what they did. I just want to tell him/her one thing: we will not go down easily. Boston is stronger than you can ever imagine. We, as humanity, are stronger than you can ever imagine. We still stand and show the world what humanity needs to be. 

You don't mess with Boston. Ever. 

let it be

For the past few days, it's really just been me and myself. I saw a friend, but it wasn't like a huge reunion or anything. I mean, it was nice to see an old friend. What I'm saying, though, is that while I talked to a few people on break, it brought back some old feelings that I had forgotten.

One of them is the feeling of not looking. The actuality of not expecting to see anyone really. Furthermore, it's not trying to see people who will make you happy. I almost got to see a friend of mine, but she fell ill before her break ended so that didn't work out. This time, however, it was her who mentioned that we should hang out. It reminded me of high school when others asked me to hang out more than I asked them. Nowadays, it's usually me asking people if they wanna hang, and then they'll hang. Otherwise, I pretty much won't see anyone, most of the time.

Why is that?

There is, however, a difference I need to point out. That is, the difference between being asked to hang by a friend you wanted to hear from and a friend you thought of as a normal friend. The lack of the former may distort the times the latter has occurred.

To be honest, I found myself dismissing a few of the latter occasions quite a bit because they were simply not really what I wanted, even though they still rarely occurred. Heh, I even thought to myself, "should I even be picky at this point? I should be grateful that there are people who want to hang out with me," as there is an obvious difference between wanting to hang out with someone and being ok if someone tags along.

Yea, I just wanted to get some small gestures of....idk, something from my friends, and that's why I try to do that all the time. I guess I just want a time when someone stepped out of their way for me, and not because oh they'll be there also, so I can just tag along. No I don't want to tag along. I don't really want to just be a convenience. I want to feel that I matter for once.

And yet everything I do only makes it worst because I only settle for their convenience because that's...all I've got.

But you know, maybe it's too much to ask for and I'm just talking nonsense.


I'm just trying to say that I'm trying my best to let it be the way it is. I'm not sure what else I need to learn from all of this, but I guess I'm not done learning yet and He's still got more for me.

I hope I can keep this going. I don't know if I can, but I can only...try more.

At least, for the most part, I have tumblr and my followers to brighten my day because it always feels like talking to another side of me, but different people.

Rant over.

heavy rain with a chance of freedom

On this last week before spring break, two exams stand between me and freedom. One's tomorrow, psych, and biochem is on Wed. Psych is just memorization and judging from the practice exam, I'll be fine. Biochem, on the other hand, needs a lot more studying -___-

Also, I've been getting a few new followers on tumblr. Honestly this is like the best thing ever. I'm so excited for my new followers and if one of you is reading this, you are awesome! :D

Housing next year is more or less solid. Got four roommates, got our appointments requested, and we're just waiting for roommate-formation date. There's also a chance that we'll chip in (or someone will just get the money) for a hedgehog. Yea it's not allowed in the apartment, but I'll sneak him in if I can :3 I'm sorry I just want a pet of some sorts. I want pets, damnit!

I was finally able to write back to a pen pal about two days ago, but I still have to run to the post office to mail it. That means it'll have to be on Thurs instead, if I have time. If not, I'll have to mail it after I go home. Ughhh, I feel terrible for the late reply. :(

When I get back, I'm definitely bringing up my guitar. Oh gawd do I regret not bringing it up this semester >.> Can't believe I thought I would be ok with it q.q

---------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty sure you know, that I always want to talk to you. But you see, I know that you're very busy. Or, rather, you want to be busy, in a way. Yea, I know you pretty well, and even so I still use my "standards" to analyze your response, or lack of. I'm not sure why I still do that because that just doesn't work and it only makes me sad.

I know you cannot possibly wait for spring break, because this one in particular is a dream come true. I'm so happy and excited for you, and I wish you the bestest break ever. And I guess what I'm saying is that I just hope you didn't unfollow me on purpose and that you didn't reply to my texts because you feel obligated to do so. I haven't seen you in a while, and all I wanted to do was to say hi and see how you're doing, and to wish you a good week and to get enough rest so I can always see that stunning smile of yours.

Yea, I do miss you, but that's normal, heh I bet you know that anyway. I won't really do anything to show that I used to wish that you miss me too, but I don't anymore. Yea, whenever I get a text I still hope it's you, but I know 99% of the time it won't be. I know it'll take me a little longer to no longer wish that anymore, but I'll get there.

I guess that's enough on this topic. Maybe the next time I see you, if the time works out, I'll hug the crap outta you :3

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently it's gonna pour tomorrow, around noon ish, for about 5 hours. Oh man I've been waiting for the rain for like weeks. If it's still there after my work shift, and if I have time, I'll go feel the rain.

Alright it's almost 12:30, I think I'll watch a little of Up and then shower then bed. Exam at 9:30 in the morning!

Oyasumi, readers.

things that don't match

Ok, for a few people who know me, I think they know that I'm a hugger. I think the human touch is very powerful, and sometimes that's what just what one person might need to get through something.

With all that, though, I've also encountered people who don't like hugs. Honestly I'm not sure the reason behind it (I mean, I've heard reasons such as personal space and such but hugs are designed to go pass that so I don't know why that is an argument), but sometimes I just can't actually decide whether I want to give them a hug or not, and usually that becomes slightly awkward.

Another thing too, I usually don't go for a tap-or-pat-on-the-shoulder hugs, but rather like a hug that can support someone physically, one that actually holds them. I mean, if you're going for a hug, just do the real one. Why do a shallow and potentially awkward hug? Just hug! Give them a little rub on the back too because it's a nice feeling. It's not even a big deal.

I guess I'm just more or less saying that I often find myself hesitant to either give a hug or not because not many people like hugs. It sometimes really confuses me.

That's my rant for the night. I might have more later, who knows.

haunting memories

I originally only posted this in my private blog, but I thought about it and decided that it should be here too. So here goes.


I'm not sure what brought these memories back, but I wanna put them down because I think it is important. I feel like this is something I need to do. I thought I have done so before at some time, but I couldn't find it, which means that I most likely did not post about it. But here goes...the story of the two events that stuck with me today.

One memory is of the time when I was maybe in second or third grade. I was still in Taiwan, living in a condo with three floors with like a roof balcony. Well anyways, we had hired a Filipino maid because both my parents are working, so it's similar to a baby sitter except she also does chores around the house and helps with meals.

And here is where the haunting part comes in.

I was a douche as a kid. I'm not sure why exactly, but I was a total jerk. Now why do I say that? Maybe it's because I would make my maid's life absolutely miserable. I remember there were multiple times where I would make these note cards, and on these cards I would write, "[name of maid] got scolded by my dad," or, "[name] broke a vase," or, "[she] did something wrong." Basically, I would make up scenarios that she would feel uncomfortable about, put each of them on a card, and draw them from a hat to mock her. That was like a daily routine for me and my brother; we would take turns mocking her, and we would just laugh, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but all I remember from that time was we're having fun. It never crossed our minds what she was feeling. I remember her asking me one day if I really hated her like that. I didn't realize it then, but I still remember her voice. It was a heartbreaking sob where you could hear her trying to find all the reason to stay in the midst of trouble and obstacles. And I was not making it any easier for her. I do not recall what I said to her, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore...

Everything seemed normal for the douchebag me until one day I woke up and I couldn't find her. I looked through the entire house and found no signs of her. She wouldn't be out this early because she had to make breakfast for us. I woke up my parents, and they gave the agency a call. After a few hours, it turned out that she had ran away. I remember hearing the confirmation from my parents as they're still on the phone; I remember myself shaking from the reality. I don't remember if I cried or not, but what I'm sure of is that her running away scarred me somewhat. My parents told me that it wasn't because of our actions that she ran away, but more because of her boyfriend, that she most likely ran off somewhere with her boyfriend. At the time, that explanation wasn't enough to convince me that I didn't do it. It stuck with me for a little bit, and I forgot about it...until maybe a few years ago.

Anyways, this memory came back to me today, and I couldn't shake it off for the past 3 hours or so. If I have the chance, to see her again, I would not hesitate to apologize for my behavior before. It was in no way justified, and I might have as well ruined her life in ways I didn't know I could.

-----

Another one is about the first year I moved to the states: 8 years ago, Albany, GA. My family is a second generations Christian, and so we pretty much looked for a local church for regular service as soon as we could. I don't remember the name of the church we went to, but I remember it had a youth group where all the kids hung out (a lot of churches have a youth group or something similar). I remember my brother did not want to spend time with random and strange kids so he stayed with my parents through their service. Now I was sent to the youth group, thinking that it was a chance for me to be the big brother and be independent and be by myself and be ok. At the time I was into a certain robot video game that involved designing your own robot for like battles and whatnot. Throughout the earlier periods of the youth group gathering, I was just by myself, drawing and designing robots for the game in my own little world.

All of a sudden, a girl walked up to me and sat down beside me. She was shining with happiness and warm, ready to welcome the newcomer and introduce herself. She must only had been a year or two younger or older than I was, but I don't remember. I don't remember her name. I kind of remember what she looked like and her voice. What I do remember, however, is I gave her the coldest shoulder I have ever given to anyone. There she was, being all excited and welcoming and approachable, while I was looking down at a piece of paper, drawing stupid robot figures and more or less ignoring her kindness. I can still feel that awkward space as she ran out of stuff to say and we were just sitting there quietly for about 15 seconds or so until she said something along the lines of, "well, I'm glad you're here! I'll be over there if you want to come chat!" and left me to my ego. I cringe every single time I remember this. I think because of all the homeschooling (almost 4 years of that) I never thought I'd need friends. I was perfectly fine on my own, and worst comes to worst I can hang out with my brother, like we always could.

I never said hi to her ever after she reached out to me. She tried maybe once or twice after that, but I don't remember. I moved to MA after a year in GA.

Goddamnit, when this all hit me a few years ago, all I wanted to do is find her and say how sorry I am for how I treated her. I couldn't even give her one minute of my time. I barely gave her my name! I get mad at myself whenever I think of this.

*huge sigh* Well, that's what had been stuck on my restless mind. Maybe this post will help. I guess the moral of the stories is that be nice to people and when someone reaches out to you, reach back because you are acknowledging a helping hand, and that always makes the person feel rewarded and needed.

names

I remember a few years ago (back in high school?) that I started noticing what people call me. By that I mean what name did they use to address me. Most people just call me by my first name Tim, some Timmy, one person (I miss you!) calls me Timmy Tim. I love that.

But some people call me first and then last name. I mean, that's fine, but after a while I realized that I don't really like it. It feels too detached for some reason. Saying the two doesn't have a sense of familiarity to it

And I guess this is partially confirmed by who uses what name. As in, a lot of people I don't really know uses my full name instead of Tim, Timmy, or even Timmy Tim. Plus, it feels like they put their feeling into it. It's kinda like, when you're comfortable around someone, you don't use their full name, but rather you come up with something that's more familiar and informal. I like that.

Well, that's my rant for the night.

conversations

Going to keep this short; gotta wake up 8 in the morning tomorrow for church. (We will see how that goes)

Today was the LRC training day for my tutor job. It went from 10 am to 3 pm, but ended earlier because we either were ultra-productive or they simply didn't plan much. I'd like to think it's both.

The session involved a breakfast intro, tutors group activities vs. SI activities, lunch, and discussions about experiences and suggestions. That sounds like a lot, but it wasn't. I mostly enjoyed the social aspect of it. We talked about our interests, what inspired us to do what we want to do, our plans, and suggestions for each other. I made two friends, one a returning tutor (pre-med track, biology / neuroscience guy), and another a freshman (biology / Spanish; I told her to double major instead of a Spanish minor) who will be working at the desk reception on Thursdays. I will be working Tues/Thurs/Sundays so I will see her there! I also share one hour on my Sunday shift with the other tutor, so this will be fun :) Plus, I get a 75 cent raise! :D I will be working 13 hours/week, and I'm actually pretty excited.

Nevertheless, the discussions and conversations pretty much light up my day. It was a good morning.

OK. All this research stuff is getting me all upset and anxious and annoyed. I need these 2 days to be over right now, or just let me know that I got in...........k bai.

So my friend's still sick from something, and I guess I've been showing much worrying and it's probably annoying people. I mean, I can't exactly tell how "annoying" I was being because I just wanted to know how her day was and wanna be helpful and all. I get the sense that people just wanna be left alone, and I get that sometimes too.

Can't find the balance between caring too little and caring too much. Blargh :(

Well, I'm glad another friend's feeling better. Why is everyone getting random sicknesses and then getting better but then some people get sick again? Ugh is there something viral going on or something :( I mean I even feel like I'm getting something...

----

On another note, I tumblr'ed onto an image that, I think, described my "effort" so far and I think it lit a bulb in me. The quote goes as follows:

Somehow I guess I thought if I loved you enough and if I was good enough to you that you would love me back and I could finally get what I want at least once but I couldn't even do that and after all my efforts you still don't want or can't seem to love me like I love you

I wanna say a few things. First of all I agree with most of what (s)he's saying, but I realize that any effort doesn't always mean there will be an outcome, and therefore no one should expect one. Furthermore, that last line assumes that everyone loves the same way, and love has only one scale. What I have learned is that people love in their own ways. Maybe this one gesture means a whole lot to someone, while not as much to someone else. Or, maybe you don't think someone is loving you enough, but maybe the way that person is loving you is to their current best ability.

You need to just appreciate the presence of love, whether how deep or strong it is. If it is there, treasure it, because often times even that is hard to find.

That concludes my rant of the day. Heading off soon and I haz churchz tmw~

Sweet dreams, readers.

definition

I've been thinking a lot about how I used to define my friends, and I realized that there's almost an algorithm that I follow. It goes something like this:

If I plan something, who comes to mind first, second, etc? Yea this depends on what the activity is but basically it's a priority thing. Vice versa, if a friend plans something, would I come to mind first, second, etc, or not at all? The second question here doesn't seem fair, but yet true to an extent. The thing is everyone has an older friend, a closer friend, and for some reason I wanna be that person, like all the time. I was pretty selfish, eh?

Another thought process is similar, as it has to do with someone to chat/talk. That is, if something happened that I wanted to share, or just to bug because friends do that, who would I text? A better question, who would be willing to do that and knows that I am doing so because I value that friendship this much? And vice versa, once again, would anyone text me just because they wanted to tell me something that happened in their life? I can only think of a handful, maybe four people, who do that.

I finished The Fault in Our Stars and The Time Keeper just this week, and they reminded me of how I used to define my friends. I'm not really saying that I have changed these ways, because I don't think I have changed much. I am now saying that I want to. Yes, it may make sense to want friends who do these things, who like to share their life with you and not just someone to say hi to; who would think of you when they wanna go see a movie or grab a bite; who want your opinion on a movie, a person, or that outfit; who want your advice on something even if they probably won't listen to you and you know that, but they ask anyway; who let you know of the great books or places they just read/went to because they want to share those also.

These are the little things that I wished and looked for, and from experience that's much too high of an expectation for the most part. Sometimes, these expectations fell short, I started to hate myself because I thought I must be the reason, that I'm boring and annoying or something.

But why am I even asking them for anything? That defeats the purpose of those friendships, doesn't it? All those things should come from both sides naturally and mutually. Ha, even that's too much to ask, now that I just heard myself speak. I'm sorry, it's getting sad to hear all this because everything still sounds selfish as hell, because it sounds like I'm both not acknowledging the fact that my friends have other (closer) friends and yet acknowledging them but very jealous of them.

But I digress.

I wanted to say that from now on, I will try my best to not notice these things, to just appreciate what I have, and try to strengthen them. The last thing I wanna do is to lose these bonds that I didn't before I came here. Even though sometimes I really feel like I'm trying too hard and I just want to say, "screw it, I'm better off by myself," and even though I may feel that again, I will try to put off those thoughts and think of the times when I was part of something.

Because, to be honest, I really do have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and yet I was asking for more.

Who I am hates who I've been

I love you all, you know who you are <3


Rant over.

talking to friends

Honestly, it's always me texting my friends first to say hi. Is that abnormal? Do you do that? Like, let's say you just wanna say hi to someone because they crossed your mind, do you text them? I do, because here's a shocker: I wanna say hi my friends. What's wrong about that? And yet I feel like I'm the only one who does that. Idk if people do that, but when if they do, then it just means that I probably don't pop up in people's minds.

Cool.

Do none of my friends like to say hi to people?

Or maybe that's my problem. I like to say hi to my friends.

You know what, whatever. I've refrained myself from texting people quite a lot of times just because I know I'll be bugging them. This is how I know: they're either always busy, never reply, or our text threads are always initiated by me.

Yea, I shouldn't even say hi to people I love. Great life here.

I'm getting really really tired of this.

Rant over.

the ode

Not sure if I mention this before, but I wanted to write a response to the article "Ode to the Nice Guys" I reposted earlier this/last week. I was a tad bit lazy then so now, here it is.

I agree with those nice things he mentioned. They are nice things, and they do make them nice guys. So what, that doesn't mean girls have to like them/fall in love with them in return. I mean, how naive is that? All you gotta do to find a girlfriend is just to be a "nice guy" and there you have it! This is probably the stupidest thing I've ever head. I mean, girls are not just a BIOS, seriously (sorry for the techy term :3)

Yes, I also agree that nice guys don't get credit as often as we might think they do. Well, at the same time,  I think that's sometimes partially true. They may not get confronted and told about it by the girl(s) to which they're being nice, but I'm sure the girl(s) talk about it after the act (girls, back me up here).

Plus, the majority of the writing appears to be a complaint, more than anything. Well, let it be that, then. Oh yea, and why is the article talking about sex all the time? Honestly I'm not sure if Fu-Zu Jen is a guy or girl, but this hints at a guy's point of view. Correct me if I'm wrong about who Fu-Zu is.

I mean, what's so special about being nice? Guys should do that naturally, anyway. The author made it seem like it's so difficult to be nice. Well, if it is that difficult for you, then maybe you should be a nicer guy, because that's what all guys should be.

At this point, I just want to leave this writing at the level of acknowledging those nice guys, and none of their complaints: an article that simply appreciates the nice guys out there, and a plead to keep up what they're doing, well, because "the world needs [their] patience."

Keep up the nice-guy population, guys. It ain't that much.

That's it for now.

you know what sucks?

Do you know what I hate? I hate when I join in a conversation or something…actually, not even. Anything. Just anything. Maybe it was sorta a conversation to begin with. Everyone’s talking, sharing thoughts and whatnot, and then I open my mouth to say something, like anything, people either drop their heads to their phones or start another topic as I was still talking. Basically, no one pays attention or they don’t like me talking or something.

Wtf am I, invisible? Yea, that must be it. I’m fucking invisible. Why did I even bother to come hang out. I bet I’m just a fucking bother. I miss my friends, but that’s just me. No one wants to hear me talk? Fine I won’t fucking talk.

God I hate this. People even give strangers more attention.

This is just my fucking life. You would not believe how fucking often this happens.

Pardon my language, I’m just really upset when I think about this.

When you know the difference between “love” and “being nice,” you see a lot clearer.

You know they’re right; make friends during your freshman year in college, because afterwards friends become much harder to find. Believe me, I've learned this the hard way.