reset

I have updated a few things on my social media profiles. 

I deleted my blog url from facebook. I think I put it on there initially because I wanted people who were looking for something to be able to find it. However, I no longer consider that a good reason to visit my blog, my thoughts. It was relatively public, and I have found that to be...a bit of a nuisance. But anyway, I have pretty much unlinked my blogger from facebook. If you found me, kudos to you haha. 

That being said, I really want to restart my tumblr, a different account. I have totally a mixed feeling about this. Maybe I should still do it and then msg *most of* my followers my new url (yes, this is a reason). Any suggestions? 

Oh yea, speaking of tumblr, this yahoo better fix my queue page because I cannot change any settings for my queues. Yesterday I went to change the number of queued posts and the period of queue, and nothing saves. I was confused because I was also having issues with chrome and I thought it was chrome's problem, not tumblr's. Turns out, yahoo has been messing with it and they better fix it!! >:( 

i don't know what to name this

I haven’t told anyone about this, ever. For some reason, however, I think I should talk about it a little bit, even though I don’t really feel like talking about it.

Ever since around early high school, I started to become very self-conscious about the number of moles that have been randomly popping up on my face. Honestly, now I probably have like about ten, maybe more. That is just on my face alone, there are like five to ten on my hand and arms, and it just feels like they’re popping out everywhere. Whenever I look in the mirror I always try not to focus on them, but I still and I hate them. They make me super self-conscious about my looks. I think my mom said that she knows something that can potentially remove moles effectively-some sort of cream or something, and that she’ll try to find it and grab one for me to try.

I guess it’s better than nothing.

But yea, I’m not gonna link this to tumblr or anything. I’m just going to leave this here. If you find it, good for you. I wasn’t really expecting anything to read this cause, well, it’s really for my own sanity. But I guess…now you know.

That is all. 

how's life - p1

Wow so it's been a week again. Once again I apologize for such a inconsistent blogging habit. I'll try to fix that...

Anyways, first thing's first. I mentioned that I purchased a Microsoft Surface Pro last post, and I will talk about it briefly on what I feel about it, how it's functioning so far, and its cons.

Patrick-bombing everything

Starting off, it is one fantastic device. It is slightly smaller than I thought, but totally compact and portable. Here are some of its pros: screen is very high def for a device that it is, an incredibly useful usb port, front and back cameras, a magnetic charging port (like a mac), and its most important component, the digitizer. I use the digitizer to sync my notes taken with OneNote on dropbox. Best. Thing. Ever.

Great response, very fast processor for its size,  stable wifi,  and its battery life is very good for a laptop as well--about almost 4-5 hours.

Some cons: when charging, the laptop heats up quite a bit. I have a case as well so I feel like it's keeping in more of the heat. It's not really a big deal though. Also, the calibration of the pen at the corners is a bit buggy, but apparently this is common to most tablets and touchscreens. Other than these some minor setbacks, this is one of the best investments I've ever done.

Ok I had a good night today, but it is almost 3 am and I'm going to crash in honestly 10 mins. Plus I have this deadly cough that's been the past three days. My throat hurts, my stomach's muscles hate me, and I haven't been able to sleep too well. I think I might have to go to health services tomorrow...

But yea, I'll write more tomorrow morning. Have a good night everyone :)

just listen

Sorry fora near-week break from blogging. Not sure why I just didn't blog for a little bit. I was busy at times but wasn't overwhelmed. I mean, I posted after my hell week too. Oh well haha, probably just didn't have enough things to talk about.

Alright, first thing's first. Status on getting a Surface Pro. There's a damn good chance I won't be getting that anytime soon, for several reasons.

1. I just...don't really have the money. Plus the fact that there's that one week delay in my paycheck and I think it's more or less screwing with my saving plans. 
2. Even when I do save up enough for it, one purchase will basically turn me homeless, wallet-wise. I mean I could get BestBuy's cc and do a monthly payment method, but do I really need another card? 
3. This reason is actually real (I didn't want to admit it before but I should). Basically, I've gotten into a habit (I guess it's a habit now) of getting wings like once every week or two. They don't cost that much, but at this rate it'll simply take me an eternity to save up. 

Damnit it's almost 2am again. Ok I'll just write something else real quick and then head off. 

Another note: I got some whiskey from a friend, called Fireball. Delicious, haha. 

Over the past few weeks, after every Tues and Thurs shift, I basically have to grab dinner by myself because I get out at 8pm and no one eats that late (people either eat early or mad late). So I've been more or less eating alone on those days. 

It all reminded me how I enjoy eating alone. How I enjoy being by myself. I love walking by myself. I love reading by myself. I love solitude, because I can get to know myself, clear my head,  and understand my thoughts better. Sometimes, just listening to the background noise of life is soothing to the soul. 

While all that is great, there are so many things I miss about people. I miss so many people, people I haven't seen in years, months, days, sometimes hours. Maybe I do get tired of my own soul when I begin to miss people. The thing is, having company is simply a magical thing. 

Yea so I'm just saying that I miss people. >.>

And yes, I tend to want to hug the crap out of people. No shame. 

I should get on writing and sending a letter as well. Damnit Tim get your shit together zz 

On yet another side note, I've actually been very psyched about making friends on tumblr. They have been making my week all week long :3 

But yea, heading off. 

TBIs

We talked about TBIs in my intro physiology class last Thursday. Professor Goodenough (what a name, eh?) focused on how the brain can get damaged: hitting the back damages the pre-frontal, and hitting the front recoils the brain backwards, and etc.

Talking about this TBI stuff reminded me how when I was a kid I was holding onto a railing and I fell backwards and slammed the back of my head on the concrete underneath the railing.

It hurt at first but didn't last long. I hope that incident didn't have any lasting effects o.o

lit

Just made a tumblr post about imagining a puppy or a dog jumping onto my bed and snuggle beside me as I begin to blog.

Ohhhh man I want a dog :(

Woke up tired.

Understood most of my PChem and (surprisingly) biochem lectures.

Had a career fair irrelevant to my major.

Productive study time in the library.

Bruised my thumb from sliding open buttons on my jacket.

Went to tutor for PChem and came back just as confused.

A friend asked me today about my blog posts.

Found Umass Compliments.

Parents advised me to find monthly-payment options for Surface Pro.

------------once again blogging in my friend's room because my roommate's asleep------------

You know, I think I didn't expect the topic to come up. But then again I don't really expect anything usually anyways. Was it a pleasant surprise? I guess so. This was the first time someone talked about what I post.

Maybe I do sound depressed, I don't know. but then again it's something I feel like I've lived with for so long that I don't even consider it "depression" anymore. The thing is, just as what John Green said, " pain...it demands to be felt." You said the sadness I feel isn't normal sadness. Maybe that's right, maybe it means that it's been there for too long and it's turned into a different kind of sadness. Maybe it's something that I keep trying to ignore and learn from but it turned into something else. I don't know. I really don't know.

Maybe I post more about things that upset me than about joyful events. I should try to do more happy posts.

I want to apologize if I made you worried, because that's definitely the last thing I'd do. Thank you, though, for bringing it up. Maybe I'll go talk to someone, but I guess I'll try my best to be more optimistic before to see if it works. Being and talking (not necessarily sharing) to friends already help, and you definitely do.

I really really hope that I do the same for you too, 'cause you know I would not hesitate in the slightest.

I think I just need more fun in my life, and by that I don't mean the occasional video games or movies. I want to have fun with friends, with you. That's what matters. Even if I just hang out with people and do nothing, it's better than antisocial.

You know, I just realized something as I'm writing this. I think I've been, to a degree, afraid to surround myself with friends because I have been blatantly ignored in a group before, and it used to happen quite often. I used to be  more talkative than I am now, but after a few years of ignorance, I more or less stopped offering my thoughts because I was simply told that no one cares about my presence. I told you about my homeschooling years and while I told myself that shouldn't have affected my social skills--I think they still did. Maybe I'm trying to undo that and have only been slightly successful.

All I ever wanted was some close friends with mental and emotional bonds. By that I mean I can feel free to text them about something funny I saw, made my day, bothering me, or just a hi, just because I want to talk to them and share what's on my mind. I don't even care if they judge, as long as they'll always be there and be supportive as friends. And I just want to be one of them, to them, as well.

Maybe that's too much to ask for, and maybe I'll never know.

Yea. If someone asked me about my life, I'd spill. Easily. Just because someone asked.

Ok the post is getting too long. I guess that's it for now.

Thanks again . If I see you tmw I'll give you a really big hug >.<

walk

As you stroll down the sidewalk, you marvel at how the leaves have fallen before the moon drains more from them than they could keep themselves alive. You see oncoming cars and wonder if they know who you are, or if they could see the pain in your eyes. Everything you listen to on your ipod brings memories and feelings back, all the ones you don't want to but must feel. You wonder why are you walking away from everything you loved and you really don't want to go back, because you don't want to stop walking. For some reason, walking gives you comfort. Maybe you believe you can walk off your feelings. It is freezing out and you are losing body heat fast but you know if you don’t try to walk off your feelings you will be better off frozen to death. You try to walk off those waves but they keep coming and you keep walking and the wind and walk continue to drain your bones of stamina, soul of life. Yet, there’s nothing you can do but to keep walking. You know for sure no one’s behind you, because you've walked for so long that even if people were wondering where you were going, they got places to go, people to see. You clench your fist inside your jacket, realizing you are losing more heat than you imagined, but you somehow decided to walk slower, and slowly you begin to lose the will to walk, thinking, “what’s the point, I can't walk this off.” You began to collapse, thinking maybe you can just lie down and not care about or feel anything. You see the headlights of oncoming cars and thought, “what if I walked in front and they don't see me until a second later?” The light pierced your eyes and your vision blurred.

The lights began to remind you of the things you have no control over; the things you wish you said; the things you wish you didn’t say; the people you wish you loved; the people you wish who loved you; the things you let go; the things you didn’t let go; the times when you could have just tried harder; the times when you wish you knew not to try anymore; the people you wish you grew closer; the people you wanted to know more about; the stories you wanted to hear; the stories you wanted to tell, but no one wants to listen because it’s your story.
But above all, it reminded you that you need to carry on because you know you can still give your bleeding love, even though it may not be appreciated or acknowledged, from your broken heart. Because maybe, just maybe, that tiny bit that you tried to give can bring the tiniest smile to someone you love, or even a stranger.
You know that you need to be content. You wonder what is happiness right now. You ask yourself why there are different types of happiness. Why can the happiness today be different from the happiness tomorrow. Why sometimes you say someone’s happiness is your happiness but in reality it may not be that way. You have the ability to make someone smile, but you wondered if it’s all worth the pain. You wonder if you can call that pain. You wonder if you can just be selfish for once, or twice. You wonder all these then you remembered that you swore to feel everything, that you wanted to feel everything because this is life.

And still, you walked. You hated time. You hated how time matters. You hated how time does not matter. You hated how sometimes things are just sensitive subjects that no one talks about. You hate how they are sensitive subject and the reason why no one talks about them. You hated how you know you could have fought for everything but no one can ever tell you if that was the right thing to do.

And walking is one of them.

light boots

About two night ago, I found two new artists...while studying for an exam that didn't go too well (oh well, it won't happen again now that I know how to study for that class). One of them has been around for a little while now, but the other is relatively new. I love finding out amazing new band/voices.

But yea, it's Alex Goot and Chrissy Costanza from Against the Current. Omg their voices are just too good. I wish I can sing. I'm seriously considering about taking lessons or something -____-

Before I continue, listen to some of their stuff!

Anyways, I'm not sure the exact reason, but after I found and listened to some of them sing, my general mood got much better. I say that because I noticed that the next day, as I was walking to classes around campus, for some reason I didn't have heavy boots.

Also, I want my guitar and keyboard. :'(

Gonna have to hit up the mall later today. There's a short story of some sorts that I saved up and wanted to respond after I read it. I'll get around to it today and then do another post.

Happy Saturday guys

names

I remember a few years ago (back in high school?) that I started noticing what people call me. By that I mean what name did they use to address me. Most people just call me by my first name Tim, some Timmy, one person (I miss you!) calls me Timmy Tim. I love that.

But some people call me first and then last name. I mean, that's fine, but after a while I realized that I don't really like it. It feels too detached for some reason. Saying the two doesn't have a sense of familiarity to it

And I guess this is partially confirmed by who uses what name. As in, a lot of people I don't really know uses my full name instead of Tim, Timmy, or even Timmy Tim. Plus, it feels like they put their feeling into it. It's kinda like, when you're comfortable around someone, you don't use their full name, but rather you come up with something that's more familiar and informal. I like that.

Well, that's my rant for the night.

long night

This will probably be one of my longest nights ever.

The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.

Absolute lack of motivation is sickening.

But at the same time, I know she's in good hands too, so I guess I shouldn't be to worried.

Drowning myself in Hillsong and Chris Tomlin for the night, if I do go to sleep.

can't sleep

It's 3:30 am and I can't fall asleep.

Probably has something to do with that cup of tea. And my restless mind. I though writing some down would help me sleep a bit better later.

Let's see what's on my mind...

I'm kinda hungry...But I'm not gonna go get food...mad work.

Just finished season 7 of FRIENDS. I won't spoil anything, but I just want to thank Chandler for not doing the worst thing possible. He almost did, but omg was I glad that he didn't >.> That was too close, Chandler. And Rachel? I should've seen that comin' xD I'm really happy about how it's going now. I'm liking this. :)

This all reminded me of that short short story thing I wrote a little while back. I think I might continue it, make a part two. Something about her being adopted and a jar. Yea, let me do that tomorrow.

On another note, I saw Bourne Legacy earlier today. It reminded me what the biochemistry field can do and what knowledge we can acquire can allow us to do. To an extend it's almost a reality check for me. The movie was telling me what I could do, for damnable purposes or the better good. Either one, I could honestly do stuff that can change the lives of everyone. Things discovered could be used for war, or to create cures. The possibilities struck me and I got a bit scared of what this field has to offer. It didn't so much make me rethink my interest or anything, but just kinda like a smack in the head, a wake-up call to what this world is about. Now I'm just thinking to myself, "damn, Tim, you know you could very well end up discovering/engineering something amazing that can completely change the world?" Oh man, go you Tim lol (ok I'm done.)

Also,  I ran into E yesterday. At Staples. For the third time. I was totally not expecting to see her, like she hadn't crossed my mind in a while now. And then boom, there she was. It was very very nice to see her though, and she's doing so well. I'm so happy for her. I recall she saying she's going abroad next semester. Oh I'm so excited for her. She leaves on the 2nd I think so I gotta call her up for coffee/scallion pancakes before then.

I gotta do more research on research next semester. I know I said I've figured out what my schedule will be (with a research, of course) but now I'm having second doubts, as to how many advanced electives I want to take. I want to balance out some time for MCAT studying also because I really want to at least take some time off from any work this break after that chaotic semester. Yea I know my GPA will drop a little bit and I'd feel bad if I don't study some MCAT and just chill but honestly, I'm tired from work. I really really am. The real issue here is a friend wants to study together. Having a study buddy is very nice but now it means I have to re-balance things a bit more... *sigh*

That reminds me, there are a few books I want to read/reread and that will definitely cut into this whole study thing. UGH damnit.

And I need to find an otolaryngologist. I think my keep apnea is getting worst zz. Apparently my doctor a few year back is no longer at the hospital I went to so I guess I need to find another...

OH I still need to find people to go see Les Mis with. Who wants to go see it with me sometime soon? :) Hit me up!

Yea and there's this annoying bug bite or something on my leg that's killing me :(

Damn, there are too many thoughts...

It's almost 4 now. I'm finally a little drowsy. Ugh I'm gonna be a zombie tomorrow...I think I might peace out now, I hope no one in my timezone is still up at this hour lol.

I hope everyone is sleeping like babies atm :3

you know what sucks?

Do you know what I hate? I hate when I join in a conversation or something…actually, not even. Anything. Just anything. Maybe it was sorta a conversation to begin with. Everyone’s talking, sharing thoughts and whatnot, and then I open my mouth to say something, like anything, people either drop their heads to their phones or start another topic as I was still talking. Basically, no one pays attention or they don’t like me talking or something.

Wtf am I, invisible? Yea, that must be it. I’m fucking invisible. Why did I even bother to come hang out. I bet I’m just a fucking bother. I miss my friends, but that’s just me. No one wants to hear me talk? Fine I won’t fucking talk.

God I hate this. People even give strangers more attention.

This is just my fucking life. You would not believe how fucking often this happens.

Pardon my language, I’m just really upset when I think about this.

When you know the difference between “love” and “being nice,” you see a lot clearer.

You know they’re right; make friends during your freshman year in college, because afterwards friends become much harder to find. Believe me, I've learned this the hard way.

lovely painkillers

My parents kinda sorta freak out whenever I get my migraine back, and that happened last night. Well, it was mild for the entire yesterday but it was still tolerable, and I was able to hide it pretty well. Went to sleep earlier, and it started up again and woke me up around 4:30. I couldn't take it anymore since it was making me nauseous, so I went downstairs and looked for painkillers and took some. Came back up and slept a lot better.

I don't think I'm gonna tell them. It's no big deal.

I should go buy more painkillers though.