calling

sometimes I feel like asking you if you hate me, because if you do I understand. I deserve that too. I feel like I need to keep saying sorry to everyone in your family because I failed to do what I needed to do.

even though I know God has forgiven me, I understand if someone else doesn't.

You said you don't know who God wants you to become, or where He's calling you to be. It sounds like you are closer to the Holy Spirit than I was. From what I know and how I understand it, God usually tells us where He wants us to go too, and not simply to leave a place, in the form of a calling. And I believe we are to test that call, that voice, until repeating messages from Him say the same thing, then you'll know that it really is His calling.

I hope you find out what it is, more than what or where you want to be. Because serving God is so important, not to mention that if that was one of the reasons we can't be together anymore.

I think God is also trying to tell me that I need to stop wondering if you still love or care about me, at any point in time. Especially if God told you to not to love me anymore, because wouldn't actually mean we need distance? I don't know, I feel like asking for distance would mean I had hurt you so much that you couldn't spend time with me anymore. In which case, I understand too, I wish you had told me earlier, the moment it happened. I wish you hadn't been so nice and said I was doing fine. I wish you had confronted any of my unhealthy behaviors and requests. Because I was so blinded by my love that I didn't see my insecurities, and I'm sorry. I needed to know what I was doing wrong because I'm not the brightest person. Sorry, I didn't want that to sound like asking you to do more things.

What I do know that my love for you, even though imperfect and selfish at times, made me love others better. I don't know if your love for me was the same, but regardless, I hope you can love in a way that makes you love everyone better too. For me, I know not to ask for so much time unfairly now, among other things.

Either way, I'm sorry, for wasting your time on me.

I had a feeling that God wants me to go into a leader position, specifically maybe a youth leader and/or joint a worship team. I'll be testing this and reaching out to pastors and see if this is what He wants me to do.

I hope you are having a joyful day with your family today. Be safe.

t