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Father, 

I don't want to miss her like this anymore

Father I don't think I love her any less and it's still hurting me please take this love away I don't think I can keep holding onto this when she doesn't want any of it

Father, please, I'm begging you. I want to love her right and pour everything out for her but I can't do this anymore I can't be tearing my heart out every time knowing she wants none of it. I want to reach out so bad, Father, I want to share all of the little things in my life with her, I want to know hers, I want to do better for her and for You, but I can't do any of it. You've said to me that You don't want me to, so please help my heart, Father, please. I don't know how to move on, how to stop loving her, I don't know. My heart still wants her and no one else. Am I supposed to hate that I don't want anyone else? Father please help me let go, I don't know how, I don't, I don't, please, I'm begging you

I don't want to ever, ever, again, love someone for myself in any way, for my sake, because they can do something for me. Father please I don't want that, I beg You to help crucify any and all parts of me that defaults to that. Please help me crucify any and all parts of me that defaults to an worldly idol. Please help me kill my own self day by day. The pride, the fear, the selfishness... I'm wrapped in so many layers of sin, so deep into me, and I need You.

If any of this is still a part of me that needs to die please help me kill it, Father. Please.... 

I'm sorry this is still happening, Father, please forgive me. I'm not strong enough. When I confessed everything to You, did you know how much I wanted You to just punish me for what I did and who I've been? I sometimes can't help but feel that this is a punishment, an atonement, but I also know that's not really true.

I'm sorry if I still look for Your Grace in people instead of you, Father. I know I can't earn it in any way, and I'll never, ever deserve it. Never.

Father, I need a new heart, a fixed heart, a whole heart, to do what is good, to do Your will, to never love for myself, to love like You.

I'm sorry journal, my mind is just everywhere tonight. 

Please help me be still so I can rest in your arms tonight