shouts of joy, cry of hearts, embrace of souls

It's been a while, blog. A lot, a lot, has happened since my last post. 

I think it's ironic that the last time I posted here, it was about the Paris shooting. 

I'm not sure who still reads this, if any. But I still like a place where I can, to some degree, gather my thoughts. 

Within the past 48 hours, there were more shootings. I'm still trying to come to terms with all of it. I have so many questions, but not enough answers. 

Or maybe...do we already have all our answers, but we're just not asking the right questions? 

To the families of the loss, the too many that were lost, I'm praying for you as well. I don't understand how is it possible to harbor so much hate for people. Are we not showing enough love to each other? Is it poor parenting? I don't know. This is all beyond complex and incredibly difficult to sort out. We know human nature is the root of the issue, but are we asking how we can solve it? Is that the right question to ask? We are humans, after all. Who are we to judge, but only to love? 

Rest in peace, Christina Grimmie. You were one of my inspirations, we all loved you so much. I'm praying for your family and everyone who is trying to get through this tragedy. I know you are in a better place now. I know you are next to our Father, and I know that you are looking down and smiling at us, telling us not to mourn too much but to live on joyously, fruitfully, and to spread as much love as we humanly can. That was what you did, and you inspired people to no end. In the meantime, you'll probably be singing to all the angels in Heaven and inspiring them too. 

Death is not dying. I'll see you in Heaven, Christina, and maybe then Gracie and I can sing with you? 

PS: give some of them a break at SSB's too, okay? Not everyone is as good as you! 


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Now that I vented about the cruelties of the world...

Guys, I found the love of my love :) Meet Gracie, my sweetheart.

What else do I wanna say here other than I love her to death? Well, I love her so incredibly much I don't know what to do with myself...

We're in a LDR right now, and it only really threw in a few pickles here and there, but otherwise, I can't wait to spend the rest of time with you, my love. x)

Alright, I should go check in at the security gate and grab some lunch soon ish.

But yes, I have only been working otherwise, I have one month of work left, and I move to my apartment in July! School starts Aug 3rd, with two days before being orientation.


Gracie is planning to come visit in a few weeks, and if I remember, I will update this blog with how my apartment goes and more updates when Gracie visits.

Be safe everyone, and keep sharing the love.

a letter to myself a year ago

Hey, it's the last day of 2013. If I remember correctly, you are on a mission to finish watching FRIENDS before the winter break ends. You did finish, I’ll have you know, with time to spare. 

A lot of things are going to happen in 2013, more than you can imagine. 

--

You will struggle at times with your relationship with your dad. It will come haunt you like it always has, and it will change both you and him. But you will get through it, and you will be ok. 

You will be able to meet up with an old friend to talk about life and the future. You will appreciate her in your life much much more, even though you barely talk to each other. But that doesn't really matter because you can pick it up wherever you have last left off. 

A beloved friend of yours will lose someone dear to him. It will happen so suddenly that it leaves you with a void that seems to freeze time itself. But he will be strong, and you will take that as a reality check, a reminder to testify to love whenever you can. 

You will slowly start to redefine "friends" and "perfectness." You will find out more friends have drifted from you, either because maybe they made better friends, or you were never really friends with them to begin with, and you are still trying to figure out what they thought of your friendships. But let them be redefined, because in a way it ends up doing you some good, so let it happen. Get past the confusion and hurt, you can do it. 

You will get a Surface Pro and it will carry you through work and classes more effectively than you had imagined (don't get too excited now!)

Waves of stressful anxiety with research labs will crowd your thoughts for some time, but you will get two internship interviews. You will nail both of them and get accepted to an amazing summer research internship and have a great time. It will also point you in a direction that suits your interest more than you know. And you will work your ass off for a number that you still dread its power over you, but you will keep going, whatever it takes.

You will also make something with your heart and hands that you thought you’re proud of, but it will become one of the worst mistakes you have ever made in your life. It will be you subconsciously trying to hold onto hope almost physically, but it will not only fail but you will also lose something that means terribly much to you. 

…but it’s okay, because you will learn from it… oh boy, do you learn from it. It will teach you what it really means to let go, to truly let go. Whatever you do, please...let the lesson change you for the better, and don’t let it bring you down. 

You will make a friend who will become your best friend, and please, you have to make sure that you don't let this one go, ever. I'm warning you, if you mess this up somehow I will build a time machine myself and come beat you up. 

An event is going to shake both you and the world like no other ever has. Someone sick in the heart will bring bombs to the Boston Marathon and hurt so many innocent people. It will hit home, literally, and again it will act as a reminder to show compassion to those around you. Let it speak. 

You’ll find yourself starting over, a new blog, that is, because you realize that something had changed you. You’ll ask yourself why it still bothers you, and if you miss anything. But you will realize that you don’t anymore, because you are no longer that person, and you can finally leave it all behind.

You will also learn that sometimes it is really hard to know how much something can hurt someone, and maybe, to an extent, if a lie can prevent someone hurting but hurts you some instead, think carefully before you do anything. I know you, you'd rather be truthful, but maybe sometimes it is better to lie if the lie will only hurt you, and all you have to do then is to slowly heal from it. 

You are going to get an apartment for the first time, with a sick monitor setup in the living room, and you will have the chance to learn the arts of cooking. You will love it, I tell you, so let the interest live on, and don't be lazy now! 

You will also go to your first concert, and it’s Yellowcard ‘s Ocean Avenue Acoustic Tour, too. It will change your life, and you will love them even more. Not only that but you will also meet your pen pal from England. Maybe it is the best time to meet and talk, but made it will make the experience so much more worth it.

It might not be clear or easy to tell, but you still make a few very good friends, friends who--I believe--keep you in their thoughts from time to time, and to a very large extent, they will keep you going. Their short company, small talks, and the little thoughts…they all count, more than you realize.

You will find confusion, a lot of it, because you struggle to be yourself or not. You won’t be able to decide whether you want to fight for hope, because you don’t know if it’s worth the fight. You will end up giving up because you will break again, but not as bad this time, maybe because you will convince yourself that you don’t have much to lose.

Heh, and with a little luck (and impulse, really), you are able to play Pokemon again, and bring back a childhood joy that you never thought you could experience again. 

All the most important part is...you will slowly learn how to live with the scars, and how to make peace with them. It was never your fault, and you don't have to get rid of them. They can stay in the box, and you don't have to face them again because you are not the same person anymore. You are better and stronger, and all you have to do now is carry on. 

...you will also learn that hope can sometimes bring you down, so you have to choose the right kind of hope to keep going. 

2013 will be hell of a roller coaster ride, my friend, but you will survive and learn so much. 

Carry on, my friend, and always testify. 

motivation

I admit, laboratory work has its ups. Through dedication and some luck, the world of research continues to enrich people how everything works, with and against each other. 

While that is undoubtedly a crucial aspect in making life easier, there are also many things that a researcher cannot do. 

Things like these. 

Just a reason why I am doing what I'm doing. 

my choice

I saw an old friend yesterday and raided Starbucks. I got my usual green tea goodness, and she a strawberry smoothie. We did some catching up.  She talked about dresses. I talked about some tv shows. We talked about what happens after college.

She wanted to do Peace Corp, and she became especially solid on that idea after her semester in Tanzania. It felt like home there, she said, and that she connected with the environment and felt home with its ancestries. It was great to see her passion about an amazing goal in life.

The topic strung back to me, and a sense of uncertainty that shouldn't have appeared washed over me. What if after all of this hard work and sacrifice...I don't end up liking what I do? I'm in pharmaceutical research right now and, while I do enjoy the objective approach to science, I can't imagine myself sitting at a desk doing data analysis, running gels, C18 columns, or mixing chemicals to digest or quench proteins for 8 hours a day and waiting for that 5pm to roll around. I just can't. As much as I enjoy what I'm helping to accomplish, I'm pretty certain now that research is not what I want to do.

At the same time, I chose the medicine field; I wanted to do this because I want to be able to do something to help people who don't have to knowledge to help themselves; so I can provide a source of comfort because I can do something about certain types of struggle; so I can take away suffering.

I want to talk to people; I want to meet new people; I want to be able to help people I have never met, not to mention the people I love. Some people say these reasons are too naive and generalized, but I know it's not wrong.

There is at least another 7-8 years left of this journey, and I'd be in my late 20s.

I picked up this burden, and I need to carry this through. It is my choice, and I need to live with it until I'm there. I feel like I need slightly more willpower to carry this through.

I feel like, along with many other things in my life, I'm almost becoming weary of what I'm pursuing. There are plenty of other interesting fields I could have chosen: education, psychology, cooking, technology, music... I know I may enjoy those as well, but instead I chose the one of the most difficult career choices.

My parents say that it is the only field that can truly help people, and I know that's true and no one can refute that. But I just think that given that I want to be helpful, I have no choice but to get an MD. Do you know how that feels? It's not an external pressure, but an internal one. It will not be a "job" or a "career," or "my duty."

It'll just be me.

I guess...I'm just saying that I hope I will end up nothing short of loving who I become in the end.

--

Heh, and she was still staring at others' dresses. No Em I'm not gonna stare with you...