Hah, I actually remember going to an interview for Harvard
too.
That was four years ago though.
As a reflection of my undergraduate years, I’m looking back right now and I ask myself, “What happened?
What do you remember? What will you miss, and what won’t you miss? What did you
learn?”
Well, four years went back like a flash of light, that’s for
sure, and a lot of things happened. There are some cliché things like I made
friends and experienced friendship differently than I had before; that the
classes made me realize my strengths, weaknesses, interests, what bores me, and
for the most part compassion. Everything I experienced in college that ties
closely to real life and career-choosing are for the most part both anxious and
exciting. That’s part of life, though, right? I mean, I also found my love for
wings and the mix of lemon and honey tea and double-bagging green tea and walks
in the rain…but there are also other things I’ve learned.
I’ve seen some people change over time. I watched them change over
time. Whether it involved my friendship with them or not, that we drifted or
got closer, seeing this change is sometimes frightening. Maybe that has more to
do with my own sense of insecurities. But in a way, it felt like a reality
check whenever I am reminded how a certain friend is no longer who he/she was
before. It was a reminder to make sure I am not turning into someone I don’t
ever want to be.
It is also in these four years that I learned the meaning of
isolation. I have disappeared from everyone before. I woke up very early and
just left for the entire day. That as freshmen year, and one person asked me
where I was but I ignored her because I didn’t want anyone to know where I was.
I needed to be alone and live through that isolation and feel everything that
made me want to do that and from that. After that, it was almost nights after
nights of solidarity because everyone has their plans with their own friends.
Often times, my plans, while planned early, would simply be changed because
they have a later but better plan with other friends.
And because of those nights, they gave me too much time to
think, and the power of thoughts hits like a truck more often than I would like
to feel them. The worst part is I would still try to get friends to do the
friendship thing, but the more I try, the more time I got to overthink, and the
more I do it…like a positive feedback. Thoughts like, “We’re friends because of
who they are and not who I am,” “their plans are much better than mine,” “maybe
I should drink more,” and “they’re just being nice” come up way too often.
The silver lining? Some people have unknowingly kept my sanity.
One of them is my roommate, who doesn’t do much either but I appreciate his
willingness to always room with me over the three years. Along with that,
however, are some friends who have made the exceptions to my previous paragraph,
and also people I’ve met online. Words really do not do you guys justice,
because so often it was you guys that brought up my spirits on a night when I
get the feeling of my knees giving out or curling up and not wanting to wake up
forever. You know who you are, and seriously, thank you so so much for just
being you. I love you guys so so much. To a great extent, you made life that
much more enjoyable, and those 1 am stress moments that much less nerve-wracking.
Speaking of that, there are also many many lessons that I’ve
learned about love in these four years. First of all, a lot of the times,
people throw the word around so often it feels like a scratch on the back
rather than a hug to the soul. I really try not to use it unless I mean it, but
I’ve been on the other side, and I want everyone who is reading this to know
that it is not okay to do it. Please be careful and mindful of the words you
speak. Sometimes it is better to remain silence a few more seconds to pick out
the better words than to impulsively open with whatever that came to your mind.
Also, please don’t play with people’s feelings.
Sadly, that brings me to some regrets. I was an idiot (Cece
don’t get mad at me…), I really still think that sometimes. So here I will tell
you guys to not create a materialized hope for yourself. I’m not gonna really
go into it, but think about what that means. If you get it, take my advice and
don’t do it. I just wish I am not an idiot anymore, and that I learned what I
needed to from it. If you asked me if I can go back to change what happened,
however, I think I will tell you I won’t change it, only because I think a few
positive things also came from it, such as I think I have learned an invaluable
lesson, and that I was able to share this experience with some people. It might
still be a regret, but I think it doesn’t stab me in the front more than it
used to.
What will I miss, then? I honestly want to say everything (of
course, other than the 3 am fire alarms and long freshmen lines at the dining
commons). I think I will miss everything about college, and good and the bad.
As much as there were bad and low moments, sometimes it made the good moments
that much better.
Also, it reminded me that I’m really not alone in this world,
and that I just need to remind myself the real focus is not of this world. I
just wish more of my friends also share my faith.
So what was college to me? Real
life? Not exactly. I think it’s more like a preview, a sample package, of 90% of the emotions you
will encounter in life, thrown at you with lesser or greater intensity. It was
undoubtedly a life changing experience, Lord, and I thank you for every second
of it. I wish to believe that I am a better person than I was before, that
everything that happened was not out of luck or chance, but to make myself a better
person.
In a way, college was just a part of a beach (kudos to you if you get the reference). No matter how strong the waves are, keep walking. Maybe you will also see only one set of footprints.
Thank you for reading :)
God Bless.
