a walk on a beach

Hah, I actually remember going to an interview for Harvard too.

That was four years ago though.

As a reflection of my undergraduate years, I’m looking back right now and I ask myself, “What happened? What do you remember? What will you miss, and what won’t you miss? What did you learn?”

Well, four years went back like a flash of light, that’s for sure, and a lot of things happened. There are some cliché things like I made friends and experienced friendship differently than I had before; that the classes made me realize my strengths, weaknesses, interests, what bores me, and for the most part compassion. Everything I experienced in college that ties closely to real life and career-choosing are for the most part both anxious and exciting. That’s part of life, though, right? I mean, I also found my love for wings and the mix of lemon and honey tea and double-bagging green tea and walks in the rain…but there are also other things I’ve learned.

I’ve seen some people change over time. I watched them change over time. Whether it involved my friendship with them or not, that we drifted or got closer, seeing this change is sometimes frightening. Maybe that has more to do with my own sense of insecurities. But in a way, it felt like a reality check whenever I am reminded how a certain friend is no longer who he/she was before. It was a reminder to make sure I am not turning into someone I don’t ever want to be. 

It is also in these four years that I learned the meaning of isolation. I have disappeared from everyone before. I woke up very early and just left for the entire day. That as freshmen year, and one person asked me where I was but I ignored her because I didn’t want anyone to know where I was. I needed to be alone and live through that isolation and feel everything that made me want to do that and from that. After that, it was almost nights after nights of solidarity because everyone has their plans with their own friends. Often times, my plans, while planned early, would simply be changed because they have a later but better plan with other friends.

And because of those nights, they gave me too much time to think, and the power of thoughts hits like a truck more often than I would like to feel them. The worst part is I would still try to get friends to do the friendship thing, but the more I try, the more time I got to overthink, and the more I do it…like a positive feedback. Thoughts like, “We’re friends because of who they are and not who I am,” “their plans are much better than mine,” “maybe I should drink more,” and “they’re just being nice” come up way too often.

The silver lining? Some people have unknowingly kept my sanity. One of them is my roommate, who doesn’t do much either but I appreciate his willingness to always room with me over the three years. Along with that, however, are some friends who have made the exceptions to my previous paragraph, and also people I’ve met online. Words really do not do you guys justice, because so often it was you guys that brought up my spirits on a night when I get the feeling of my knees giving out or curling up and not wanting to wake up forever. You know who you are, and seriously, thank you so so much for just being you. I love you guys so so much. To a great extent, you made life that much more enjoyable, and those 1 am stress moments that much less nerve-wracking.

Speaking of that, there are also many many lessons that I’ve learned about love in these four years. First of all, a lot of the times, people throw the word around so often it feels like a scratch on the back rather than a hug to the soul. I really try not to use it unless I mean it, but I’ve been on the other side, and I want everyone who is reading this to know that it is not okay to do it. Please be careful and mindful of the words you speak. Sometimes it is better to remain silence a few more seconds to pick out the better words than to impulsively open with whatever that came to your mind. Also, please don’t play with people’s feelings.

Sadly, that brings me to some regrets. I was an idiot (Cece don’t get mad at me…), I really still think that sometimes. So here I will tell you guys to not create a materialized hope for yourself. I’m not gonna really go into it, but think about what that means. If you get it, take my advice and don’t do it. I just wish I am not an idiot anymore, and that I learned what I needed to from it. If you asked me if I can go back to change what happened, however, I think I will tell you I won’t change it, only because I think a few positive things also came from it, such as I think I have learned an invaluable lesson, and that I was able to share this experience with some people. It might still be a regret, but I think it doesn’t stab me in the front more than it used to.

What will I miss, then? I honestly want to say everything (of course, other than the 3 am fire alarms and long freshmen lines at the dining commons). I think I will miss everything about college, and good and the bad. As much as there were bad and low moments, sometimes it made the good moments that much better.

Also, it reminded me that I’m really not alone in this world, and that I just need to remind myself the real focus is not of this world. I just wish more of my friends also share my faith.

                So what was college to me? Real life? Not exactly. I think it’s more like a preview, a sample package, of 90% of the emotions you will encounter in life, thrown at you with lesser or greater intensity. It was undoubtedly a life changing experience, Lord, and I thank you for every second of it. I wish to believe that I am a better person than I was before, that everything that happened was not out of luck or chance, but to make myself a better person.  

In a way, college was just a part of a beach (kudos to you if you get the reference). No matter how strong the waves are, keep walking. Maybe you will also see only one set of footprints. 

Thank you for reading :) 

God Bless. 

a letter to myself a year ago

Hey, it's the last day of 2013. If I remember correctly, you are on a mission to finish watching FRIENDS before the winter break ends. You did finish, I’ll have you know, with time to spare. 

A lot of things are going to happen in 2013, more than you can imagine. 

--

You will struggle at times with your relationship with your dad. It will come haunt you like it always has, and it will change both you and him. But you will get through it, and you will be ok. 

You will be able to meet up with an old friend to talk about life and the future. You will appreciate her in your life much much more, even though you barely talk to each other. But that doesn't really matter because you can pick it up wherever you have last left off. 

A beloved friend of yours will lose someone dear to him. It will happen so suddenly that it leaves you with a void that seems to freeze time itself. But he will be strong, and you will take that as a reality check, a reminder to testify to love whenever you can. 

You will slowly start to redefine "friends" and "perfectness." You will find out more friends have drifted from you, either because maybe they made better friends, or you were never really friends with them to begin with, and you are still trying to figure out what they thought of your friendships. But let them be redefined, because in a way it ends up doing you some good, so let it happen. Get past the confusion and hurt, you can do it. 

You will get a Surface Pro and it will carry you through work and classes more effectively than you had imagined (don't get too excited now!)

Waves of stressful anxiety with research labs will crowd your thoughts for some time, but you will get two internship interviews. You will nail both of them and get accepted to an amazing summer research internship and have a great time. It will also point you in a direction that suits your interest more than you know. And you will work your ass off for a number that you still dread its power over you, but you will keep going, whatever it takes.

You will also make something with your heart and hands that you thought you’re proud of, but it will become one of the worst mistakes you have ever made in your life. It will be you subconsciously trying to hold onto hope almost physically, but it will not only fail but you will also lose something that means terribly much to you. 

…but it’s okay, because you will learn from it… oh boy, do you learn from it. It will teach you what it really means to let go, to truly let go. Whatever you do, please...let the lesson change you for the better, and don’t let it bring you down. 

You will make a friend who will become your best friend, and please, you have to make sure that you don't let this one go, ever. I'm warning you, if you mess this up somehow I will build a time machine myself and come beat you up. 

An event is going to shake both you and the world like no other ever has. Someone sick in the heart will bring bombs to the Boston Marathon and hurt so many innocent people. It will hit home, literally, and again it will act as a reminder to show compassion to those around you. Let it speak. 

You’ll find yourself starting over, a new blog, that is, because you realize that something had changed you. You’ll ask yourself why it still bothers you, and if you miss anything. But you will realize that you don’t anymore, because you are no longer that person, and you can finally leave it all behind.

You will also learn that sometimes it is really hard to know how much something can hurt someone, and maybe, to an extent, if a lie can prevent someone hurting but hurts you some instead, think carefully before you do anything. I know you, you'd rather be truthful, but maybe sometimes it is better to lie if the lie will only hurt you, and all you have to do then is to slowly heal from it. 

You are going to get an apartment for the first time, with a sick monitor setup in the living room, and you will have the chance to learn the arts of cooking. You will love it, I tell you, so let the interest live on, and don't be lazy now! 

You will also go to your first concert, and it’s Yellowcard ‘s Ocean Avenue Acoustic Tour, too. It will change your life, and you will love them even more. Not only that but you will also meet your pen pal from England. Maybe it is the best time to meet and talk, but made it will make the experience so much more worth it.

It might not be clear or easy to tell, but you still make a few very good friends, friends who--I believe--keep you in their thoughts from time to time, and to a very large extent, they will keep you going. Their short company, small talks, and the little thoughts…they all count, more than you realize.

You will find confusion, a lot of it, because you struggle to be yourself or not. You won’t be able to decide whether you want to fight for hope, because you don’t know if it’s worth the fight. You will end up giving up because you will break again, but not as bad this time, maybe because you will convince yourself that you don’t have much to lose.

Heh, and with a little luck (and impulse, really), you are able to play Pokemon again, and bring back a childhood joy that you never thought you could experience again. 

All the most important part is...you will slowly learn how to live with the scars, and how to make peace with them. It was never your fault, and you don't have to get rid of them. They can stay in the box, and you don't have to face them again because you are not the same person anymore. You are better and stronger, and all you have to do now is carry on. 

...you will also learn that hope can sometimes bring you down, so you have to choose the right kind of hope to keep going. 

2013 will be hell of a roller coaster ride, my friend, but you will survive and learn so much. 

Carry on, my friend, and always testify. 

a click of the tongue, a glimpse of the horizon

Only about three months ago, I stayed awake on a trip I'd normally fall asleep, only to come back to a home I'd known for less than 2 months, to a home that I'd only know sometimes up to only 12 hours of the day, arguably half of my summer.

On my last day home of the summer of 2013, I thought I'd do a quick reflection post.

still waiting

I'm...still waiting.

people and trials

You know the saying somewhere along the lines of "some friends stay and some leave; those who leave teach you a lesson, and those who stay are the ones worth keeping?"

Well, now I have a slightly different opinion.

if you breathe slower it makes life go by faster

Does that make sense to you? Well I hope it does, because if it doesn't, you might have to experience it yourself to know why it does.

There are a few things I want to talk and rant about, but I am not going to because it does not benefit anyone, even me.

I want to put down a few things I noticed myself noticing recently.

- How many pedestrians talk on their phone and not talk on their phone
- How many people try to sleep on the shuttle
- People I pass by driving, and they almost always seem so happy
- What people wore to work
- Me trying to remember license plate numbers (no eye deer why)
- Me trying to not take life as seriously as I had been
- Questioning what "forever" and "waiting" mean

So why was I in a terrible mood before? I guess I can say that for most of today, everyone I met and talked to all seemed happy; no matter who it was, it seemed to me that they're in the prime time of their life and they're just enjoying life, and it seems like they have everything figured out, and pretty much have what they wanted.

Even the people I saw on the streets, and other drivers--they all look...content and satisfied with something.

I guess it just brought me down quite a bit.

The worst part is I know that the chances that all those people are actually happy is quite low, but for some reason I just pictured them with so much happiness that I wore a sad smile for most of today.

Whhhaaaaat is wrong with me today -____________________-

little kids

Thinking back to that day when my mom's friend came over, that 10 year-old girl with probably only 20/40 vision without her glasses...

I realized that I haven't, in the longest time, interacted with little kids. By little I mean like <10 or something. Because honestly I think your interaction with them is very important, because it may just as well affect their worldview later in life.

Just as I remembered that little girl, this article was posted on my fb newsfeed.

Go give that a good read, because it is a wonderfully written and illustrated point at which I think everyone needs to take note. I mean, if I do become a pediatrician, this is totally something I need to look out for on a daily basis.

And besides that, it's just the right thing to do-to turn your focus on things that matter more, that can direct them to a healthier mindset. I believe this approach can also indirectly boost kids' self esteem.

So please give a read and take its message to heart!

reset

I have updated a few things on my social media profiles. 

I deleted my blog url from facebook. I think I put it on there initially because I wanted people who were looking for something to be able to find it. However, I no longer consider that a good reason to visit my blog, my thoughts. It was relatively public, and I have found that to be...a bit of a nuisance. But anyway, I have pretty much unlinked my blogger from facebook. If you found me, kudos to you haha. 

That being said, I really want to restart my tumblr, a different account. I have totally a mixed feeling about this. Maybe I should still do it and then msg *most of* my followers my new url (yes, this is a reason). Any suggestions? 

Oh yea, speaking of tumblr, this yahoo better fix my queue page because I cannot change any settings for my queues. Yesterday I went to change the number of queued posts and the period of queue, and nothing saves. I was confused because I was also having issues with chrome and I thought it was chrome's problem, not tumblr's. Turns out, yahoo has been messing with it and they better fix it!! >:( 

why do we get to choose?

As I was falling asleep last night, a thought came to me that I wanted to just touch upon, so I grabbed my phone and jot it down before I called it a night.

--

Everyone has that one person who they wish would love them, and that one person's love immeasurably towers over everyone else's love at times, or maybe all the time. For some reason, that one person's love is the one that matters, and when the possibility of their love being present arises, other people's importance seems to fall out of equation quite easily.

Why do we get to choose who loves us? You can't just diminish everyone's care and love for you just because that one person doesn't reciprocate. I know that this is not always the case, but I've seen a few of my friends do this and it's just not the right thing to do.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think love is hard enough to come by, don't be picky about who loves you, but be glad that someone does. It'll only make you miserable.
--

On another note, I have deleted my blogger link from facebook. Not exactly sure why I did that, but it was kinda an impulse from the feeling that facebook contrasts tumblr and blogger too much.

That is all.

a little bit of a welcome

Today marked the last day of my junior year in college, first with a sunny day topped with 60 Fahrenheit breezes, then soon with an almost fierce roar of thunder and rain as we drove back on Route 2. To be precise, it was as if the weather responded to my departure as it lost its radiance just as I loaded the car with cases of water bottles and boxes of chips I was able to get with my remaining swipes. As we pulled out into the road, the sky lost its tone, and the scenery changed with a blink of an eye.

The intensity of the above reminded me of that one trip to the airport about 7 years ago. I was in Georgia, and we were on our way to the airport. It was pouring buckets and we could not see 2 inches out the windshield. The interstate highway experience went from a midnight drive to a 5pm maneuver through NYC as every single car was going no more than 10 mph. I arrived home safely and went to dinner in Boston.

As I attempted to unpack, I had the sudden urge to 1) grab a Smirnoff and 2) redesign my room. Since I needed to clean my room anyways, I decided to reorganize my room now that I will actually be around for a good amount of time. I guess I can do a follow up post later once I'm finished and satisfied with a layout.

I guess that will be all for today. I hope everyone is having a lovely week, and for those with finals still/soon, I wish you the best of luck :)

a little sunset over some horizon

Wow, I haven't posted in a good while. Sorry about that.

I'm fairly certain that my last post was close to finals week, hence my semi-hiatus from blogger.

In the meantime, I've given myself two papercuts, two headaches, about 70+ hours of studying, and hopefully an A and an A- in the two icky classes.

But anyways, not to rub it in or anything but....I'M A SENIOR NOW! DONE WITH JUNIOR YEAR!

Ehem.

So what happened since my last post, and what do I want to talk about...

Oh, random note, here's one link that everyone should read.

And I guess I'll talk about my junior year for a bit I guess.

Ok so I started out using a month-by-month approach, but then that's gonna take too long so I decided to not do that. But here goes.

I started out with three roommates in a triple, and then one moved out so I got a double in a triple for the second semester. I was still doing song of the weeks, and I also wrote a small short story. I was still taking pictures of what my school serves for meals. I started to reddit.

There are a few "me" nights where I'd just get wings and watch FRIENDS and just do casual studying and what not. Honestly those nights are literally the best ones. Little things like these are sometimes what make college amazing because it's just you enjoying yourself on a perhaps rainy night.

I took six classes, and they were, for the most part, manageable. I finished all my GenEd's then, and I was really lucky to have done so. It was also when I decided to pick up a chem minor. School was ok, music theory was very entertaining; never want to hear statistics ever again; history had some mindblowing moments, and overall an enjoyable class; realized how much basic things that I needed to reinforce from chemistry, and advance organic definitely taught me all that, along with so much more; and biochemistry made me realize my interest in proteins and their native structures. That's the academic part.

That feeling haunted me then, and it still does a little. Met new friends, lost a few old friends, people drifted apart, and found really good friends.

And there's the really long text that I guess I saw coming. I'm still thankful though, I really am. I guess I'm just a little sad.

That was first semester.

Winter break made me realize that sometimes, people drift away at an incredible speed. It wasn't 5cm/sec. It definitely wasn't, at least not for this bond. I learned that friendship can sometimes be just an object that someone has to hold. Winter break was relaxing, nevertheless, and ok in that regard.

Then it was second semester.

This semester had four classes, yet incredibly difficult. Physical chemistry and biochemistry 2 were two classes that taught me the most and the most difficult ones, no doubt. I think I did ok in both, fortunately.

A very good friend's grandma passed away. I saw his dark side and it was unsettling and it hurt. I know, however, that her view from heaven beats the hell out of ours here. I'm so sorry for your lost, Z, but you are amazing simply because of who you are. While I never got to meet her, I know that I can see her in you, because you are a role model for countless, and it is only because of her. She lives on through you. I still keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I went to this church twice, just to see if I like it. I thought it was ok initially, but somehow I didn't like how the pastor had his topics and messages organized. At the same time, I know I shouldn't be choosing to go to church based on the messages and how the pastor teaches them. Maybe I'll try going again next semester.

I was able to talk to my pen pal for a few times, and had good conversations about life.

I got a Wii and, along with that, Skywards Sword and Brawl. Best decision ever. Also, got a Surface Pro and it has been my baby. Yet another great decision, no doubt.

Aside from getting a good amount of followers on tumblr, I actually made a few friends from tumblr as well. Honestly, they are some of the best and nicest people I can ever find. I really wish I can meet them one day. I really really do (shoutout to Cece and Ann! :] )

This is also when I stopped trying. In retrospect, I don't know I still tried. Either case, though, it became clear that I couldn't be in the equation. I'm ok with it, though, because it means that she has ways and people to make her as happy as she should be. I know I'll be fighting that feeling, and I will keep fighting it until it goes away.

I realized that I used to remember a good amount of dreams, and it was sometime in the second semester that I somehow was no longer able to do so.

I picked up some alcohol for social reasons, and it has been fine.

Also, a few of my good friends went abroad in Italy, and I miss them terribly and they should totally come back.

With some reluctance, I should include the fact that the world seemed to have become more and more violent. The number of gun violence increased drastically, and it even hit home on Patriot's Day. This gun law issue is so complex that I don't really want to talk about it. I just want to say that whatever you do, focus on the helpers and the survivors, and don't give the perpetrators any more attention than they need.

Interestingly, by giving up a part of my life, it seemed to have kick-started another: after two rounds of competitive interviews, I got a summer research internship at a famous biotechnology company, and I think I also have also secured a research position on campus for the upcoming semester. Additionally, I think overall I was able to pull off ok grades in two high level classes.

People interactions used to make me feel that I was simply tagging along in conversations, hang out, and parties. Whenever I'd speak, people tend to become gradually uninterested or they would turn to another person who began another topic as I was telling mine. Sometimes, I would see this coming and would keep quiet because, well, why bother?

This year, however, proved me wrong. I don't know what's different, but I began to feel a different and unfamiliar vibe from my friends whenever topics are being discussed, arguments and opinions thrown around, or maybe just talking about that random girl whose voice could pulverize every single piece of glassware in the dining hall. A friend even told me that a few times my name simply came up, without context, during a conversation, in the form of, "oh do you know Tim?"

Overall, I learned that God works in mysterious ways. Maybe today you didn't want to get up for that one class, or that you don't want to bother answering that unimportant text. Maybe you got a bad grade and chose not to smile at a stranger or leave out a courtesy, "thank you" to the dining hall workers as you return your plates. You could have done a combination of these things, but what you don't know is how any of these seemingly-insignificant gestures could have made someone's day, ticked off someone, or made someone feel better or worse about themselves.

Now with the sun setting on this small horizon in my life, it becomes clear to me that it is not a matter of wanting a sunset, desiring beauty, or fearing change. It is, rather, how we decide to interact with people that show them who we are; it's the simple acts of being nice to someone; it is how we perceive the things we have and the people and friends around us.

Junior year is just like any other year. I don't know how 5 months flashed by  so quickly, but sometimes you want to ask yourself if you stopped to smell the flowers. I think I have, and I didn't always stare into the future.

It's the little things that matter.

It is 3am, I should head off -_____________-

Happy summer :)

drift

I kinda hate how often this occurs. The drifting apart of people, intentional or unintentional.

But like you said, it happens, regardless of how much you try to do otherwise. All it takes is just a lack of effort, then you can do it.

Oh, that sounds painfully difficult, doesn't it? Got a nice ring to it as well.

I mean, you know that I'd want to say that, from what I can control and maintain, nothing will change. Yet it's gotten to the point that I don't even have a chance to say what's on my mind.

And yea, sometimes it sucks to realize that maybe you are just different people, that you tried so hard in the beginning to find a part of yourself in someone and it turns out that they're just as different as anyone else, yet the same as anyone else.

I really don't want to say that you tend to keep the friends and people who try to be in your life. Well, as cliche and sad as it sounds, I can't even refute it. I want to be able to say that, if it really comes down to it, I'll try harder, but you know, not it is no longer because it is hard to try anymore, but it is just sad how things have turned out, the realization that perhaps you have tried to save it is just...sad as well. 

Plus, you sound happy with your life, so who am I to argue?

To slide further downhill, this applies to more than one friend, as well.

Oh well, rant over.

augustus' letter

I just want to share this narrated letter, Augustus' letter to Van Houten, from The Fault in Our Stars. I'm not sure who narrated it, but it is so beautifully done.

Oh yea, spoiler alert. Don't listen if you haven't read the book.



So much feel x.x

how's life - p1

Wow so it's been a week again. Once again I apologize for such a inconsistent blogging habit. I'll try to fix that...

Anyways, first thing's first. I mentioned that I purchased a Microsoft Surface Pro last post, and I will talk about it briefly on what I feel about it, how it's functioning so far, and its cons.

Patrick-bombing everything

Starting off, it is one fantastic device. It is slightly smaller than I thought, but totally compact and portable. Here are some of its pros: screen is very high def for a device that it is, an incredibly useful usb port, front and back cameras, a magnetic charging port (like a mac), and its most important component, the digitizer. I use the digitizer to sync my notes taken with OneNote on dropbox. Best. Thing. Ever.

Great response, very fast processor for its size,  stable wifi,  and its battery life is very good for a laptop as well--about almost 4-5 hours.

Some cons: when charging, the laptop heats up quite a bit. I have a case as well so I feel like it's keeping in more of the heat. It's not really a big deal though. Also, the calibration of the pen at the corners is a bit buggy, but apparently this is common to most tablets and touchscreens. Other than these some minor setbacks, this is one of the best investments I've ever done.

Ok I had a good night today, but it is almost 3 am and I'm going to crash in honestly 10 mins. Plus I have this deadly cough that's been the past three days. My throat hurts, my stomach's muscles hate me, and I haven't been able to sleep too well. I think I might have to go to health services tomorrow...

But yea, I'll write more tomorrow morning. Have a good night everyone :)

the blind me

I visited a...good friend at her college last year. I got out of school tad bit earlier than she would, we talked and the idea came up, so I decided to visit.

At the time, I just went with the fact that she was really busy during finals week, and I helped out with some of her art projects when she needed help...I know she'll be busy, and for some reason I didn't really think it'd be that much of a deal. I mean, I was fine with it because I haven't seen her in a while, and I wanna meet all these amazing people she said she's met. That was my only intention. I helped out as much as I could/was allowed.

In retrospect, I think aside from the fact that she was busy, I think she didn't really wanted me to visit. What I mean is, even though she brought it up, she didn't really wanted me to visit, and I think it had less to do with finals and more to do with me.

Yea and I obviously didn't realize that then. If I did, I wouldn't have gone, despite that I did want to see her.

Well, I hope everything turned out alright for her.

Welp. Rant over.

let it be

For the past few days, it's really just been me and myself. I saw a friend, but it wasn't like a huge reunion or anything. I mean, it was nice to see an old friend. What I'm saying, though, is that while I talked to a few people on break, it brought back some old feelings that I had forgotten.

One of them is the feeling of not looking. The actuality of not expecting to see anyone really. Furthermore, it's not trying to see people who will make you happy. I almost got to see a friend of mine, but she fell ill before her break ended so that didn't work out. This time, however, it was her who mentioned that we should hang out. It reminded me of high school when others asked me to hang out more than I asked them. Nowadays, it's usually me asking people if they wanna hang, and then they'll hang. Otherwise, I pretty much won't see anyone, most of the time.

Why is that?

There is, however, a difference I need to point out. That is, the difference between being asked to hang by a friend you wanted to hear from and a friend you thought of as a normal friend. The lack of the former may distort the times the latter has occurred.

To be honest, I found myself dismissing a few of the latter occasions quite a bit because they were simply not really what I wanted, even though they still rarely occurred. Heh, I even thought to myself, "should I even be picky at this point? I should be grateful that there are people who want to hang out with me," as there is an obvious difference between wanting to hang out with someone and being ok if someone tags along.

Yea, I just wanted to get some small gestures of....idk, something from my friends, and that's why I try to do that all the time. I guess I just want a time when someone stepped out of their way for me, and not because oh they'll be there also, so I can just tag along. No I don't want to tag along. I don't really want to just be a convenience. I want to feel that I matter for once.

And yet everything I do only makes it worst because I only settle for their convenience because that's...all I've got.

But you know, maybe it's too much to ask for and I'm just talking nonsense.


I'm just trying to say that I'm trying my best to let it be the way it is. I'm not sure what else I need to learn from all of this, but I guess I'm not done learning yet and He's still got more for me.

I hope I can keep this going. I don't know if I can, but I can only...try more.

At least, for the most part, I have tumblr and my followers to brighten my day because it always feels like talking to another side of me, but different people.

Rant over.

big day tomorrow

Before I actually start my post, I want to say up front that I will be trying to post more positive things than the shitty things that are happening in my life. I may be putting those in my private blog instead but we'll see. :)

So basically, tomorrow is my Genzyme interview (11 am) and my physical chemistry exam (7 pm).

Now, normally I'm not this anxious about dressing up and talking about why I want to work at wherever I was interested in, but this is Genzyme, one of the best summer research internships out there (at least available). I'm one of the 36 interviewee who got picked out of who knows how many applied. If I get accepted I'll be doing research that may end up treating a deadly disease. When I see someone getting healthier and healthier or even saved from the light, I may be able to say, "hey, I helped make that happen."

I mean, about a month ago Genzyme just got FDA approved for their new MS drug Lemtrada, a drug that targets CD52, a protein present in T and B cells (so lymphocytes) that are believed to be behind the autoimmune response that causes the destruction of myelin sheathes. I remember I really wanted to know how the drug works, and this news definitely got me psyched up for interning at a biotechnology company.

I think in addition to the pre-med track, this is what I want to be able to do.

In addition to the pure awesomeness of the job and what I can contribute, it's good pay for an internship too ($15-18/hour?) ERMAHGAWD I want this position!!

Best best luck to me I need all of them x)

I think that's all I wanna talk about today. I should be heading off soon, got early class tmw. G'night readers.

walk

As you stroll down the sidewalk, you marvel at how the leaves have fallen before the moon drains more from them than they could keep themselves alive. You see oncoming cars and wonder if they know who you are, or if they could see the pain in your eyes. Everything you listen to on your ipod brings memories and feelings back, all the ones you don't want to but must feel. You wonder why are you walking away from everything you loved and you really don't want to go back, because you don't want to stop walking. For some reason, walking gives you comfort. Maybe you believe you can walk off your feelings. It is freezing out and you are losing body heat fast but you know if you don’t try to walk off your feelings you will be better off frozen to death. You try to walk off those waves but they keep coming and you keep walking and the wind and walk continue to drain your bones of stamina, soul of life. Yet, there’s nothing you can do but to keep walking. You know for sure no one’s behind you, because you've walked for so long that even if people were wondering where you were going, they got places to go, people to see. You clench your fist inside your jacket, realizing you are losing more heat than you imagined, but you somehow decided to walk slower, and slowly you begin to lose the will to walk, thinking, “what’s the point, I can't walk this off.” You began to collapse, thinking maybe you can just lie down and not care about or feel anything. You see the headlights of oncoming cars and thought, “what if I walked in front and they don't see me until a second later?” The light pierced your eyes and your vision blurred.

The lights began to remind you of the things you have no control over; the things you wish you said; the things you wish you didn’t say; the people you wish you loved; the people you wish who loved you; the things you let go; the things you didn’t let go; the times when you could have just tried harder; the times when you wish you knew not to try anymore; the people you wish you grew closer; the people you wanted to know more about; the stories you wanted to hear; the stories you wanted to tell, but no one wants to listen because it’s your story.
But above all, it reminded you that you need to carry on because you know you can still give your bleeding love, even though it may not be appreciated or acknowledged, from your broken heart. Because maybe, just maybe, that tiny bit that you tried to give can bring the tiniest smile to someone you love, or even a stranger.
You know that you need to be content. You wonder what is happiness right now. You ask yourself why there are different types of happiness. Why can the happiness today be different from the happiness tomorrow. Why sometimes you say someone’s happiness is your happiness but in reality it may not be that way. You have the ability to make someone smile, but you wondered if it’s all worth the pain. You wonder if you can call that pain. You wonder if you can just be selfish for once, or twice. You wonder all these then you remembered that you swore to feel everything, that you wanted to feel everything because this is life.

And still, you walked. You hated time. You hated how time matters. You hated how time does not matter. You hated how sometimes things are just sensitive subjects that no one talks about. You hate how they are sensitive subject and the reason why no one talks about them. You hated how you know you could have fought for everything but no one can ever tell you if that was the right thing to do.

And walking is one of them.

things that don't match

Ok, for a few people who know me, I think they know that I'm a hugger. I think the human touch is very powerful, and sometimes that's what just what one person might need to get through something.

With all that, though, I've also encountered people who don't like hugs. Honestly I'm not sure the reason behind it (I mean, I've heard reasons such as personal space and such but hugs are designed to go pass that so I don't know why that is an argument), but sometimes I just can't actually decide whether I want to give them a hug or not, and usually that becomes slightly awkward.

Another thing too, I usually don't go for a tap-or-pat-on-the-shoulder hugs, but rather like a hug that can support someone physically, one that actually holds them. I mean, if you're going for a hug, just do the real one. Why do a shallow and potentially awkward hug? Just hug! Give them a little rub on the back too because it's a nice feeling. It's not even a big deal.

I guess I'm just more or less saying that I often find myself hesitant to either give a hug or not because not many people like hugs. It sometimes really confuses me.

That's my rant for the night. I might have more later, who knows.

white canvas

This was an old post, but I'm bringing it back.

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Sept 21, 11

So I was, like I usually do, surfing imgfave between my working schedules, aka after my mythology and anthropology class and before my orgo class. It wasn't long until I came upon a picture of something staring at a couple of white canvases, with text all over it. It's not exactly this one but this is a similar one without any texts:



Well, the texts on the original image that I saw said "TOO DEEP FOR YOU." It was great because the person standing in front of it looks like he's blanking out or confused. What would someone think of if he/she finds himself/herself standing in front of the canvas? Was that person thinking about the color white? Maybe why it is "blank"? But is it blank? Does "blank" mean it's "empty"? Why would the painter (if he is still considered as having "painted" it) "paint" something blank, or rather, leave the canvas empty?

My first reaction to that wasn't why he did any of that, though. I imagined myself standing in front of the canvas, and I simply started filling the canvas with scenes from my own life, or scenes I want to see in my own life. I saw myself, who I were, who I am, and who I want to be; the fact that I saw a blank, empty canvas, I immediately thought that I could fill it with something artistic of my own. I didn't see emptiness in the painting, but rather it illuminated some of the blank spots somewhere in me that I wish were there.

And honestly, it turns out to be a face.

What would you have run through your mind if you were there?