all nighters

....LAN parties, and 6am breakfasts. Haven't done this in a while x) Kinda not healthy, but that's why the rarity. I also realized two things. 
One: still haven't finalized my build for Wukong. 
Two: All-nighters make you feel like you're floating in water. 


All and all, the party was fun. LoL, watched My Little Ponies for an hour (honestly don't know why but it was great), some Terreria, some played Pandemic, and then we went for breakfast at Franny's around 6am. 


Parents were a bit hesitant since I didn't tell them that it was an all-nighter, but then again, if only I knew also...


And my dad wasn't feeling well so my mom brought him to the hospital for tests. He's gonna stay overnight for observation. He should be fine. He exaggerates a lot, but just in case, ya know. He's just too tired and stressed. 


Pushing back my Boston plan till Saturday. Oh well. 


--


On another note, I got another pen pal! And another follower! *happyface* 


I think I'm gonna make a Yellowcard image for tumblr or something. Probably will do that tmw. 


A little Skyrim and calling it a night. Oyasumi. 


-l.h- 

just like old times

There's a LAN party tonight, planned around 7pm at a friend's house till whenever, a potential sleep over also. I probably won't sleep over, but a good-old LAN party is probably overdue by now x) 


On another note, I went to this Korean restaurant in Boston the other day, and while it was the first time I tried Korean food, and I gotta say, it was amazing. Here's the place: 


http://www.koreangardenboston.com/

It might have been expensive ($30 for me...) probably because I was with my cousin. And friends. I kinda ordered two meals, hence the 30. Other than that I think it's not that expensive and pretty much in price range. 


With that note, I might go there again with some of my other friends. :) 


Oh, and I wonder how long it takes for le love to update.... x) 

perspective

I said it's okay to not know what you want, as long as you know what you don't want. Because you know, she had just broken up with me, and I wasn't sure what it was between us. I didn't know much then, like why she lied to me, or why she rubbed everything in my face. 


But what I did know what I didn't want to lose you, because then you're the one person who was there for me. You were struggling with your breakup about a year ago too, and that's why I said that to you, so that you know what you don't want. 


I was wrong.


So what was it that you didn't want? I've told you my side of the story, but you told me part of yours, but not what you didn't want. Maybe if we weren't writing to each other, maybe if you didn't say those words, I wouldn't have let myself free and give all of my heart to you. Yes, I was still broken then. Yes, your heart wasn't healed yet either. But somehow we found each other and we healed each other. I know we weren't actually together, but we were close, the closest probably I've ever been with anyone. I didn't want you to be a rebound, but it was all too late when you got all of my heart, with your letter. I loved you with all that was left of me, if any. 


Spring break could have been the best break. But, you didn't know what you wanted. 


And you left. You left for someone out of the blue. Just like that, he had you. You know, it feels like 500 Days of Summer. 

"I woke up one morning and just knew"
"Knew what?"
"What I was never sure of with you." 

Just like that, you're gone. Your letters, your words, your breathe, meant nothing. I thought we healed each other, and that it meant something, that we meant something, but no, you used me to heal yourself, and now that you're healed and ready to move on, I'm simply cast aside, everything lost again. 


You said you didn't want to lose me either. What happen, C, what happened? 


It was a right choice, you know, when I decided to not go to that Christmas party. From what I heard, it consisted of you making out with him all party. It's almost a year, and I don't want you rubbing that in my face again. Yes, I've lost a best friend, to whom I told everything, shared everything. who gave the best hugs. I've lost faith, because just when I thought we shared something, you were just using me. 


Your letters, gifts, all of you, I tried to keep them locked away in a box. I tried to move on, but now I'm afraid to love again. You see-you know this best-when I give my heart out, I give it all out, just like how you had it. 


Maybe I just need a hug. I don't need...all this relationship thing. It was because I didn't know what I wanted. 


Now I do. 


If only a hug doesn't remind me of you...




-----


Going to submit this to le love. Hope everyone's having a good day. 

we had the right love at the wrong time

I've thought about it, and I've decided to write a le love article and submit it. More to come. 


-l.h- 


Edit* It ended up being this.

Merry Christmas!

Kinda late, but Merry Christmas guys :) I hope everyone had a lovely and company-filled holiday with delicious food and fun times.

blu rays, why you so confusing

I have been wrestling with this blu ray and mkv conversion deal for almost 10 hours now and I still can't get Limitless to play on the tv. Ahhhhhhh damnit. 


I wish I have blank BD's. 

fear

I know why I feel lonely now. Because I am afraid.
I'm afraid falling in love again.
I'm afraid of being in a relationship. I'm afraid of being the one who loves more.
I'm afraid not of rejection but fakeness.
I'm afraid of loving too much.
But it's always happening. It still is.
I'm afraid I have distant myself too far now. Going back is going to be difficult, because I do not know how.
Will there be someone who can lead me back?
It's gonna be a long night.

16 and dropping

I think it is worthy to note that after I came home from college the weather suddenly dropped 20 degrees. I actually brought my scarf over to college and back, never used it, and I took it out just yesterday for the 16-degree weather. Interesting, eh? 


Finally got a haircut today, my hair is unbelievably bushy. =.=|


Another note, this facebook timeline thing is kinda ridiculous. Facebook is so constantly challenging people's visual analytic skills, now with that timeline thing right in the middle of the page. And they still need to fix the chat box. 


Speaking of that, Google+ is still kinda in the dark corner...oh well. 


There is apparently this promotion thing for tumblr. I'm still confused. Haha. 


Got back to LoL...so rusty....

if it fails, it's not love

Not sure how to respond to that. 


Today was a busy day, especially going to B&N and getting mcat books, book for my penpal (happyfacehappyface), and a book for myself. Would've gotten more but I need suggestions xD 


You...wanted to hang out. Do you know how unexpected it was? It was so that it became somewhat reassuring and pleasant. I do miss you. 


Maybe this is just who I am. I am the second choice, if not a later pick. I have been, still am, and will be. I just need to accept that.  

Like a Saturday night I'll be gone.

two down, three down, all done, now back home x)

So I was gonna blog before I head home, but I was busy, so yea. 


Anyways, I did well on my orgo final, should be A-well enough on classics to get an A-, oh well. 
Ecology went alright, I suppose. Anthro was very short and easy. 


After a two hour drive, here I am, home. 


Also got an email that said I got kicked off of BioChem Lab 276 because random juniors have to take it so sophomores lost priority. I'm really mad >:( 

a bit cloudy

It's been a while since we talked, isn't it. I texted you a few weeks ago, and I got back a three word text and it stopped there. Just like that. Actually, it might have been just like a word. We don't talk anymore really. It makes me sad. 


Same with her too. She only talks to me when she's lonely, pretty much. It annoys me. What kind of friend does that make me? 


It's a bit cloudier tonight; the moon's blurred like my foggy window. It's getting cold. 


It'd be one year tomorrow. But Tim, it didn't mean a thing. She dumped you like trash. It wasn't anything. Not a problem, you're over that. 


Yea. I guess so. 


What if it snows tomorrow? 

three hours left for the day....

...and lots of myth notes to go over. If I didn't have the exam at 8am in the morning tomorrow....


There are some stuff worth mentioning on the orgo exam.
So we took it in a decently-sized gym. I sat in the front with a few friends, ready to take down this ultra-stressful test. Exam started at 1:30pm, and 10 mins into the exam, someone in the far back of the gym apparently kicked a desk beside him and flipped his chair and busted out the backdoor. I wasn't exactly sure what happened at the time, but it was confirmed for me afterwards.


Then about 3 mins afterwards, someone in the front rows towards the left of the gym apparently threw up and ran out the door. 


Typical organic chem exam. Just like that first exam when a girl cried half way through the exam...none of the TA's knew how to handle that exactly. Poor girl :( 


But then there's this girl who has an almost perfect score in his class. I'm kinda annoyed. I bet she took it before, just like a friend of mine who's doing really well also. Damn those people x.x 


Anyways, I need to head off around midnight so I can get up. Mythology for the rest of the night, and if lucky I can start some eco. 


Good luck to everyone else who's studying x) 


-l.h-

finals week: one down, three to go

So for the past 3 months, I've studied orgo so much that I've dreamed about orgo countless times. Honestly it's such a tough subject, and I hope that all those hours of studying and watching lectures and doing countless of problems have paid off with that final I just took. 


One down, three to go. 


And now you know why I haven't been blogging. 


Now I should be a bit less stressed now that Organic is out of the way. I think I did fine on it. Not going to jinx it, really, 'cause I do that too often, but in any case, the rest of my finals should be less stressful (as ecology is just brutally annoying). 


I hope everyone else is also doing fine, if not better than I am. x) 


Maybe more later today. Maybe I want to take a nap, maybe not. Maybe I need to start studying. We'll see. 

tumblr

Yea. So I got a tumblr.

http://salaheonerezza.tumblr.com/

Ehhhhhhhhhhhh.

songs and people

Like I said before, I will now make a list of songs and people: songs that remind me of whoever. Memories or not, here goes:

Ariel - View From Heaven, Amelie, One Year Six Months, practically any piano piece x)
TeCh - Rough Draft, Sadness and Sorrow, For You and Your Denial
Ethan - Wedding Dress, River Flows in You, The Scientist, All You Wanted
Eli - You, Hang You Up
LS - Haru Haru
Steele - Gravity (Bareilles)
Commercial - Pieces, She Says, Keep Holding On, Just a Dream, Defying Gravity, Jar of Hearts
E - Rough Draft, Souvenir de Porto Rico, Lord of the Dance, Take Me as I am
Yuki - I Will Follow You Into the Dark
Mikers - River Flows in You, Hey Soul Sister
Jackehh -Trololo (yea....), Light Up the World

This might be for now...may update later...

"something in the way"

Haven't had a movie night in a while. Decided to take a day off from work, before actual dedication to studying for the rest of the week, and have a chill night. I just hung out with Alex and Mrs. Bus Driver :D I realized I haven't hung out with them in a while, and it reminds me how fun it is to do so. 

We watched The Change-Up. It's more or less a remake of Freaky Friday, with a similar theme also. I've seen it already but I watched it again because it's a decent movie, along with their request. It worked out because we had a good time. 

It never occurred to me before--when I first watched the movie, that is--but now that I just watched it again, it made me realize something. I realized that in the future, sometime in the future, that I want kids. I know it's too early to say, but the scenes of Dave interacting with his kids, daughter, all of it--picking up his daughter, hearing how was her day at school, having dinner with the family, putting the babies to sleep, just everything--I want to experience that. I want to know how it feels and what it means to love unconditionally, to have a loving family and keeping that. I think despite all the difficulties, I think being able to experience that unconditional love will be absolutely, out-of-the-question worthy. 

Also, near the end, Mitch's words left a pretty deep impression in my bubble of thoughts. 

I think we all know that life doesn't always turn out exactly how you plan it. Sometimes, just sometimes, it turns out better

Maybe, you know, that life is bad because we want it to be. Maybe sometimes, we don't want to admit that our lives are good because it could be better. And hey, anything in life can always get better. Why do I always belittle the good things in my life and focus on the bad things anyways? I think it's because for those who've been through stuff, things get harder, and you're constantly trying to find ways to make your life better because you've been down the other road and, even though it was a priceless lesson, you don't want to wander down that road again. 

And you know, the paradox is the harder you find, the less likely you'll find. So it's better to settle, to stand still and see where I am, evaluate, process, analyze what I have and don't have, and what should be a goal and what shouldn't. 

Honestly, this reminds me of sometimes, I honestly think I am the most boring person in the world. Maybe it's from how people react around me, I don't know, and don't ask me how I came up with that thought, but honestly, sometimes I think I'm just boring, and I wouldn't hang out with myself either. 

What do you do with that feeling, now? Actually, now I think of it, it's probably because I was once used for-what seemingly felt like-selfish reasons. Oh hey look I'm just merrily answering my own silly existential questions. No big deal. 

I'm tired. I have no further words. 

I'm gonna make my list now. 

forgetting

http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2011/12/i-am-not-sure-what-love-is.html

ohill

It's raining and feels pretty good out. It's surprisingly beautiful up on Ohill, actually. Hmmmm. 


I wonder how is A doing :') 


P.S. I remember that I was thinking about creating a list of people with songs that remind me of the person. I shall do a post-soon-to-come. Just a heads up I guess :) 

something I came across

I was just about to head off when I came across this. I hope it's fine linking your page, Katie, I just wish that I have a sister like that. I believe that Chase is very loved up there. 


Be strong ^^

that box that's sealed away

You know, re-surfing my imgfave account makes me want to re-fave so many of those images. Because one way or another, they've described much of my life than many people I know can or relate to. Yes, it's back to that feeling of able to relate to something, just something, someone. That's another reason why we want to know people, right? Because We want to learn, feel others' emotions, know the possibilities, the stories.

That goes along with what my post two posts ago was talking about.

Yea, pen pals. I've lost all my pen pals too. One just...didn't bother to write anymore. Still good friends with another, but we just don't write anymore (shrugs to that). Another one...I really "lost." I never left, you just didn't need me anymore.

I kinda have a regret, and that is not bringing enough books to college with me. There are a few that I want to read again. I haven't even finished Everything's Illuminated yet. And I want to read 13 Reasons Why again. And I want to read Tree of Codes also. I miss the stories that I was so in love with. I miss indulging myself in those worlds and feel for the characters, for the troubled, for hurt.


I sealed that box away. There might not be that many letters in there, but do you know the love that was put into that box? Do you know how much love I put into that box? Do you know how much love you put into that box? I think we all know that if I light up the box, the letters altogether, it'll help my house burn, just like how the other letters burnt down Thomas's house.

Maybe I'll burn it one day. But maybe I need some new pen pals too. It was my fault to let it get to me last time, and I'll try to not let it happen again, even though now I think I can look at you and not feel so hurt by you.

If you have a close friend, someone who's stuck with you throughout your whole life, or at least most of it, who not only knows your stories but was there and lived it, who talks to you not out of obligation but because he/she wants to...or many you have more than one...either case, treasure them always and take the time to show them how great of a friend they are.

I still have a "pen pal"...and she speaks Greek and is totally awesome.

Well, it's not like many people read this blog anyways, I don't think. But counting on the tiniest luck that I might have, it would be great if some of you want to be my pen pal also. x) Comment or something? Haha.

Gonna go back to work now....

Fin lein los kruziik, hon fin norok zaan, zeymah. Mu draal wah zindro fin kein

The title means "The world is ancient, hear the fiercest shout, brothers. We pray to triumph the combat." It's in dragon language, by the way.


Yea, this blog will be for some college rants. Mostly organic chemistry.


Okay, so my professor is honestly not a bad teacher. In fact, personally, I think he is a great teacher, at least better than the other one who honestly got me a few wrong answers on the test because he simply did not explain the material as well as McDaniel did. But something is simply not translating well enough from his lectures to our grades. Like I get the stuff, but I have slowly done progressively worst for the four exams, and honestly it is really demoralizing.


Especially the hydrogenation of alkynes with NaNH2. I was pretty sure he told us that it was only partly due to the different in pKa and that it has to be NaNH2 if it involves hydrogenation. And there it was the question with an alkyne with a hydroxyl end. I suppose I shouldn't have listened to him and actually considered the electronegativities of both carbon and oxygen instead. Hixson, you screwed me over big time. Also the MC's are such a pain. I think in conclusion, he either needs longer tests and spread out his points, and/or make his tests entirely open response. It's not that big of a hassle if he's already grading 70% of his exams by hand anyways.


But then again, I honestly think that McDaniel could have stressed the importance of the geometry of a sp2 carbon in terms of a carbocation, and the fact that it has to flatten out.

Also, he has no mercy in his explanation portion of the test. He doesn't count efforts into account, and if you don't mention the keyword--even if you wrote almost a paragraph--you will get 10 points off, just like that. I really think that's outrageously brutal. He also uploaded the grades of both of his classes (without names, of course), and less than 10% of the 300 people have an A- or above, and about 60% have a C- or below. He will have to scale this, or an academic probation awaits him, no doubt.


I find the fact that I have a B+ right now slightly surprising; I thought I had a B-. o.o Not complaining, really. But that also mean I need at least a 87 on the final (out of 200 points) to keep this grade. It also means that I need almost a perfect score to get an A- or possibly an A too. He also needs (well...he claims...) the class average to be around a 75 ish, so I guess he has to scale it, because more than half of the class is either failing or has a low enough score to not go on to organic chem 2. Scale, I'm counting on you...Q.Q


And it's not like this is my only subject too. I'm not that worried about physics or anthropology. I'm a bit concerned about mythology, but it's mostly organic chemistry, and some ecology, that I'm worried about because they are the two that I need A's on my finals to get A's in each. This translates to 30+ hours for organic and roughly 10+ for ecology. Yes, one test. Organic is acceptable, but ecology? Worst decision of my life. I don't give a shit about this class, I don't even know why I took it in the first place. I better get an A in it or else, really, I'm gonna be so incredibly sad.


Time turner, where are thou....


This shall mark a break in my rant. I can still get back to an A in organic so I'm not all that pissed off. But honestly, I think he should take a look at our evaluations. At the same then, though, I wish other people did not just completely shit on him because he's not a bad teacher; he just needs to adjust his tests a bit so it's more flexible.


That is all. Gonna do another post, then physics lab for the night, maybe some ecology reading, then heading off.


-l.h-

photographers and glistering beauty

For many of you guys who look through other blogs and skim through the pages and feeling in words, have you ever realized that photographers have a different tone to everything? People that also use images and depictions to share their feelings know how to do so much more effectively than others that simply use words. Furthermore, their words also create this elegance that flows with the image and mood, sometimes alright, but other times so well. You know, it all makes sense. That's why honestly, I'd love to meet more photographers or people who simply love to see things in different perspectives. 


Going along with that, I want a camera. x.x 

Also, I realize that it's been more than obvious (to me at least) that girl's hair is absolutely attractive xD I don't know, whenever I see a girl with like a hair style of whatever-sometimes even without any intended styling-I still end up in awe and speechless inside. 


Let me tell you. It's kinda bad. :( Maybe it's just what you said, L, that I fall a little for every girl...yea they're just the most beauty people ever, can't help it sorry. 


Make me wanna hug everyone zz


And you know, they are good memories. Maybe it was because I was hoping for something solid, you know. I guess I didn't even realize that I was looking for that, and I don't know if I'm ready for that, honestly to say. I that was why when you broke up with me, it wasn't as bad as my rebound. Honestly, I should have known that those were all tease, just good for the moment, and for entertainment purposes. Yes, maybe it was for you and it was such all along, but I'm begin to accept that for myself also. 


And as a result, I have unblocked some people's posts on my newsfeed (oh yea, those include people who are only in my life when I talk to them). I think I can handle those now.


@Alice: Yes, that short short, history, whatever. At the time, I honestly thought it was about me, because the setting was fairly accurate. I was over at a friend's house, and we're both there. Back then, when I first read it, I didn't know what to feel. Now looking back on the story, on those feelings that she might have, it doesn't feel as bad anymore. 


It's just a story. 


I should be watching my chem lecture, though. More later today. Hope everyone's having a good day :) 


-l.h- 

hug

This reminds me of how a friend of mine was saying I should get a tumblr or twitter or something. Ha...idk. 

the past

Alice, not sure if you've read this but, here goes:

it had only been 2 months. two months of ups and downs, two months of wondering if she’d ever see him again. two months of worrying about him, and hating herself for it. two months of missing his touch.

 it was a fluke of a day, really, wasnt it? had the two of them already started going out? LA…it had always been a great joke, the perfect play on their names. looking back, she couldnt remember. the lines were always blurred. they had both talked to her separately, and she had always known that something would happen eventually. she could see it from miles away; there had always been something between them. or at least, from him to her. it made her smile, but it hurt. to see them so close. to see what she had missed. what she was missing. 

already, two new friends in those two months. and already, one of them was with someone else. 

it really was a fluke of a day. she didnt really feel like seeing anyone. but, she dragged herself out of bed, just like every other day. she knew that if she didnt, even just one day, it would be the end of her. she had to keep going. 

when was it that she first realized? was it that day? it was just another movie night. just a day, just an ordinary day. how many movies had they watched so far? it was always the same story, some horror, and some variation on the guest list. just whoever could come that night. that night, it seemed like everyone. was it the first time he had come? or was it just the first time she had noticed? 

 it was something different about that night. what movie had they even been watching? she couldnt remember. all she could feel was the closeness between them. she sat on the table on the corner; everyone else was on the couch. she didnt like it there, not with any possiblity of sitting next to… 

and then he came up the stairs at sat in front of her. she didnt really even notice until she had to shift a little to the right, to see the tv. he turned around and asked if she could see. her heart caught in her throat, and she nodded yes. as he turned back around, she became very aware of how close he was sitting to her left foot. 

 is this what moving on is? she thought. 

very suddenly, she wasnt paying attention to the tv. the dialogue became a babble in the background, and the moving pictures blurred before her eyes. she felt the very overwhelming urge to hold him from behind. just like…before. she was shocked at how much she almost had to fight herself; so much so, she couldnt be sure whether she was or wasnt fidgeting. would he notice? 

she leaned forward and wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder. he started, but he smiled, and stroked her hair. she couldnt see his face, but she knew he was smiling. no, she didnt. she knew that he was leaning forward, watching the movie. instead, she leaned back into the corner, catching her head on the low ceiling. 

she closed her eyes, and crossed her arms over her chest in an attempt to conceal the loneliness in her heart. there she sat, her mind and body fighting between what she wanted to do and what she couldnt do. she drew her eyes back to the screen, willing herself out of her thoughts. why did it feel so right? and why did that scare her so much? 

it was true. the sound of her loneliness, like a heartbeat, drove her mad… in the stillness of remembering what she had. and what she lost. 

was it real? or was it merely a dream for sale?

december, 40 degrees with a chance of confusion

So I was going to blog on the first also, but then it was orgo all day. So much acidity, basicity, nucleophilicity, leaving group ability, Sn1, Sn2, and like a zilean processes and mechanisms...all day ever'day until last night. Studies about 15 hours for the past two days, and I think I did alright on the exam last night. 


So the first day of December. Physics lab was to mess around with liquid nitrogen, absolutely fun. We cruised through that lab under an hour, measuring latent heat with timers and balances and frozen pencils and erasers. Went to dinner right after and then straight orgo studying with a few peeps. 


It was roughly the same for Friday, except there was a discussion in the morning and then a costume contest in my classics class also. What totally surprised me was how my anthropology professor was actually at the discussion. I didn't even notice her until she started speaking/giving opinion while we were discussing the topics. I don't know, just very uncalled for, really x) And the costume contest went decently well, those who participated got extra credit points, I believe. There was also this really cute girl who was Demeter...okk w/e. 


Anyways, I didn't sleep well Thursday night so took a nap Friday before dinner and exam, and ended up "ditching" people who wanted to squeeze in a last-minute study in the lounge. I was like yea I can't function without nap right now, and I kinda went an hour after, and there was only one person there anyways. Lazy people, I tell you. 


You know, aside from the keyboard, I think I want a book for Christmas. 


Get ready for lunch then lab. Pce. 

about me

Yea, again bad hour but my brain is good at thinking at such hours. But I decided to make a new about me section. Here goes. 

--

“I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, the stories that the mouth can’t tell fast enough, the ears that aren’t big enough, the eyes that can’t take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together and the end of missing someone” (Foer = fav author) 

This is a typical full-time college sophomore working part time.

I absolutely love Yellowcard, just up front.

I blog to vent and to share my thoughts. I believe that people who blog are brilliant, passionate, and deep thinkers, and I absolutely love that and would love to read everyone's blog :) 


Actually, how it started was I began a blog a very very long time ago. I dropped it for about two years, and then picked it back up a year ago, when a friend of mine brought up the topic. We got closer with the blogs. We walked the tracks together for a while, and then she got on a train with a flick of a finger, blink of an eye. Blog went from being sharing to venting, to depressing keys and minor tones. Honestly, if you decide to visit that old blog, it is so dark there, for three or four months straight. 


Yea yea I know I feel too much. It's part of being human. 

In any case, I have recently switched to blogger just to try it out. So far I'm liking it more than wordpress. Not sure if I want to import my old blog here (can I even do that?) But either case, here's my old blog for anyone interested: http://salaheonerezza.wordpress.com/

I surf imgfave like a religion and listen to 8tracks like it's my itunes. 

I sing almost every time I walk alone. I play air piano. I air-strum.

I can click really loud with my tongue.

House, Naruto, FMA, Bleach, Fairy Tail, Reborn, and other awesome mangas.

Oh, and I have a so-called "Asian-fro" (my hair is poofy)

I love hugs, too. It's been too long since I actually hugged. Maybe that's why I haven't been able to get a hundred percent better. *shrug* 

blogger acting weird

For some reason, not all the blogs I follow show up under subscriptions. Adding them in is fine. It's the blogs disappearing after I close the page that is annoying me =/ Going back for some research time, I suppose. Google never fails me. 


And I'm not sure how to default a font on the template. I seem to be having trouble finding the link/how to get to such settings if there are such. Any ideas? 


Confusion is super effective...

first wednesday physics class

A few things. First of all, today I decided to go to physics class for the first time, the day after my physics exam. Woke up at 9 am, roommate got so confused lol.

Came to class, and first thing professor said was you are not smart. Great timing, I got there, eh? Lol. Well now he's just talking there and I'm just sitting here, blogging. And honestly, so far he hasn't taught us anything new. Hm.

Yes. Demos. He's pulling out liquid nitrogen and pouring it into a water bottle...oh shit he's capping it now...and putting it in a trash can...ohhh shit it's gonna blow.

Yep, it blew, after like 2 mins. We all thought it was leaking instead by then xD

So another thing, I've been remembering my dreams, a lot of them, recently. I'll update more later, gotta go to class.

Edit (at 2am):

After dinner, went on a straight four-hour orgo study session. We progressed through the materials slower than expected, so I have more stuff to do tomorrow...could've been more productive really, but we have a decent number of people who showed up so I guess it's acceptable, as long as everyone got the material.

And I have lab tomorrow, more studying tomorrow, exam Friday, lab Saturday, and ecology assignment (most likely) Sunday. Great stuff, man. And I still need to go see my professor about a research opportunity. Gawd, why don't I just run a farm full of holy brown cows.

another note

Oh yea, on another note, this shall be a shout-out. 


It's (was) my awesome pen-pal's birthday! =D I hope she had the most wonderful day. 


Ok a little Skyrim and more orgo. 

busybusyweek

Woke up with headache once again, brain I thought we're over that q.q Tylenol, kick in now, will you? 

I was breezing through physics problems last night to prepare for my test today, and it just occurred to me that my professor just didn't bother to give back formula sheets and that I always have to keep making them. He doesn't even use it or look at it, I don't think, so he shouldn't be keeping them. Honestly. I want my ultra-neatly written pass back q.q 

Orgo is getting quite crazy with all the memorizing and reasoning, with about 20 mechanisms and processes learned so far. Naming's good, for the most part, the reagents are still a little cloudy, but I will get them by Friday. All these methods of hydrogenation...holy brown cow. 

On another note, I realized that blogger is actually kinda better, in a way. I haven't explored much of the theme capabilities yet, but since there are lots of limitations with wordpress, I figured that others would have a better chance of having more varieties in themes and personalizations. 

Also, there are absolutely so many good movies coming out. Gawd, there are roughly five or so coming out next month alone. And then about 3 more in the following 2-3 months. Godamnit. I'm gonna go broke in no time..

Oh, and yea, for unknown reasons I've been remembering my dreams. A lot of them. One of them was I actually decided to hug you. Maybe it is behind me, idk. But I don't think this is a bad thing.

Okkkk headache, chill out, I'll go buy you a frappuccino or something, ok? I need to walk down to the dining hall through tumbling to my demise. 

No ecology today. Made my day. Will study more physics and then orgo. 

If I get some free time this week (before exam on Friday), I shall do some major theme change. Look forward to it? Any suggestions or tips? Gimme! ^^

And I'm gonna get a Free Hugs shirt for realz this time. 

That's it for now, heading down to lunch with peeps. 

-l.h-

cramped and cramped

Sitting here, wind blowing out the window, trees swaying, leaves shot up in their journeys, carefree cars,  warmth coming down, music playing, syllabi pasted all over the wall, inside-out ring, unfinished readings.

This post is for a friend of mine.

You said you want to know what people feel. The happy things, the sad, melancholy; the laughter, tears, frustrations, confusions, misunderstandings, jealousy...everything that's felt, with open or closed eyes, with whole or broken hearts, with logic or without, with him, or her, or you.

That is the also the reason why you talk to me, right?

Did you also mean that you want to feel them too? I'm not sure because you didn't say. And because those two are very different.

I'm not sure how to phrase this other than you talk to me out of curiosity, and I'm not sure what to think of that.

I think I still am naive. I thought that I could easily put this behind me, but everything and everyone I see will remind me of something. Yes, even you.

And damn, I told you how deep it was. I told you how much I loved her. You told me yours. Maybe yours was deeper than mine, but it was the deepest I've felt. Or maybe it was a different kind of depth, because what I felt was how love could heal, how perfect it can be, and then how powerful it can cut twice as deep again.

I don't know about you, but I don't jump in and out of people's lives.

I know some of your story, and you know mine. Maybe we have helped each other through something, I don't know. But honestly, I don't even know if I miss you. Sorry to being rather brutally honest, but it's what I feel.

But again, you most likely don't read my blog. Rather, who does anyways? I wonder who reads this. I really do.

People change. It's not because they learn certain something from others, I don't think, but rather they already have it in them, and encounters simply bring out those beliefs and make them more applicable and practical than they have been. Those beliefs may not be desirable, but maybe they work for whatever circumstances.

Yes, my mind is really cramped.

I most likely won't even read this anymore after typing this out. Just because it's too chaotic.

Now I'm even more interested as to who reads any of this.

But I guess I just want to wish you luck in all that you do. 'Course, you might come to me when something happens, and that's fine with me, since I guess those will only be the times when I can see you. And congrats, on a few things, since you are in my opinion one of the lucky ones.

Later, E.

--

I didn't wait for change. I worked to make it happen.

I want to be able to move on to the point that I no longer feel anything when I think about the past. I don't know if that's possible. Maybe this is too naive. Maybe I just need to feel whatever I feel every time I've reminded of all that, and not be affected. Make my feelings. Maybe that's what I need to work on.

Maybe I should work on getting zero view in 48 hours so the graph thing is flat.

Wasted too much time here, later, mind.

 

productive or overwhelming?

Original plan was that I could relax after my ecology exam. But noooo, I have so much work also due within the next two days: anthropology reading, physics, physics LAB, and orgo OWLs. I just finished orgo and gonna start anthro like now. It's just so much work and I want a nap instead. =/

CRC in like 25 mins. Heading down now....

a bit spontaneous

Idk, I was falling asleep and it just randomly hit me. I should be asleep but I just had to put this down.

A new floormate I befriended recently had a status that was about cuddling, saying that she likes cuddling and what's the matter with that? I responded with a picture of a ginormous dog being cuddled by a girl and said, of course, nothing is wrong with liking to cuddle.

But then it just occurred to me. Why do we even hug? Who do we hug, and WHEN? It's when things aren't well, isn't it, when we need them the most. Do we hug because we want to love? Be loved, since hugging means being hugged also? Now comes the tricky part: When do we actually go for hugs? When should we? Just like my anthropology class mentioned today, it differs from culture to culture, but for most of us, hug and being hugged is normal. But do we want to hug/be hugged or to cuddle/be cuddled? With this question, the act of hugging someone has turned into the different levels of love you give and receive. It gets complicated, doesn't it: If you hug, you get a hug; if you cuddle, you might either get a hug or a cuddle back, because you can tell if the other person wants to cuddle or not.

Now when I think back to that question, the answer is a bit different. It's just too naive to think that you would get the same level of love back simply from a hug. You can really feel it. It is nothing wrong with it, because if you want to give some love, it's the simply way. But if you're looking for something in return, then look elsewhere.

Yes. It is not like everyone always want to give cuddles. Hugs are still different from cuddles, because the two deliver different messages.

Now I feel like I know why I felt...spontaneous about this...

pce.

some love in the world

It happened so unexpectedly and took us both by surprise. We both were hesitant about the situation but it just worked. The secrets and sneakiness made the thrill of it all so much more exciting! It was easy, it was simple but it was new, it was exciting and was fresh. It was different from anything we had ever felt before. Right now, though, I feel weak. I feel clingy, but it's never hit me this hard before. I don’t want to regret not saying things to you before you leave, so here it is…..

This thing between is unexplainable. It cannot be described because I can’t seem to be able too. The words and the concepts just don’t seem to match what it actually is. Every time I got a text or thought about you my stomach would get all funny, like there were butterflies where organs should be. I felt like a little kid again.

If I didn't know any better I'd say I'm falling in love with you but enough to know that the adventure your about to go on is one that I’m not going to hold you back on or make things harder for you. I’m so excited for you but so incredibly sad to see you go. You have taught me so much and made me feel like I have something to look forward to again in the future. Don’t be scared or nervous because being young is such an exciting time and you officially have the world at your feet, the world is now your oyster.

The time I have spent with you has made me look forward to the next time we see each other, whether it be tomorrow, next month, next year, 10 years from now or when you finally return from this exciting journey your about to take part on. It is the best feeling knowing that some of your best days are just waiting to be lived out. Doing anything with you seems extraordinary to me.

I’m lucky to say I have you as a friend. I’m proud of you because you’ve never let me down.

While it lasted we had some of those things some people are yet to experience. We are the lucky ones, to meet somebody and get along so well instantly. To have a crazy connection with somebody you barely know but it’s something you hear people talk about and read about. While we had it it’s was real, it was great, it was really great.

What are two years, 730 days, 17520 hours? I want this letter to be something you can read and feel like you miss me but remember I’ll be seeing you soon, no goodbyes or never seeing each other again just I’ll miss you until you come back. We could have had a great story but instead this is it for now and what happens next is up to this huge universe.

Whatever you choose to do in your life to be, you will do amazing things, I may be young, I may be foolish, I may be naïve but you have so many experiences and times to come that will blow you away. I hope you keep in contact and make me jealous about all the amazing times you experience in Canada. Make memories that will make you speechless. Blow yourself away with the things you can achieve and surprise yourself. Do crazy things just to say you did them. Let yourself be wild, live with no regrets but be true to yourself.

The times we spent together and the little memories we shared I will keep them close until there is another time to make new ones again. I want that night where we laid in your bed with nervous hands, our shoulders touched and you kissed me and I couldn’t stop smiling.

And we are stronger than we think.

So I will move on. But I just needed you to know that I think of you. And miss us. But I am moving on. I hold a place for you, that is filled with pain and love and forgiveness.

I forgive you for hurting me and for not knowing that you did. I wish you the best. Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different..

Maybe we'll never know.

 

Le Love

anonymous

I used to look at her feed and think she always picked the perfect nail polish. Staring at her jaw line and her eyelashes she was exactly how I always pictured my girlfriend to look. Flipping her hair to one side, her mouth half open she looked up from her book, paused and said with a snip, "what?!?"

"I'm just looking." I countered, startled I was caught in mid-lurker gaze. Truth is, I wanted her to notice because I was too much of a pussy to look at her head on for any other reason. This is the moment that I remember. The moment that was the most intense. The moment both of our faces looked at each other head on. The drives, the movies, the sex...you never realized just how rare it is to hve two people look directly at each another.

I took advantage of the moment; I breathed in her exhale and felt the swoon they speak of in books. Like your hair is slowly melting across your forehead causing your eyes to close and your chin to lift.

God himself couldn't envision anything so pristine.
She was made for forehead kisses.
She was made to accentuate reflected light.
She was made to float when she walked.
She was made good.
Good enough to love someone who didn't deserve her love.

She was made for me.

- anonymous

8 hours left, gonna get a good night sleep.

 

- if only the sky knows your feelings

 

new beginning

What I learned? I'm actually just talking to a friend about this.

It's about confidence. When one says that he or she will always be there for you, it's saying that they will be there for you but they won't be there for you. Oxymoron? Yep, you know it. So what does this depend on? That friendship, because it only means friendship. The friend zone? Oh yea, big time.

What's the big deal? Well, you have one chance with any one person, pretty much. Like I used to say, I'd rather stay platonic. But you know what, I'd rather lose than not know the truth. The truth that says this is not the right person and miss it. I'm not afraid to lose anymore. If it's not the truth then it's not worth keeping. If something's on your mind, say it. If you think something might hurt someone, well it will no matter what or how you say it, and dragging on such a thing can only make things worse.

Platonic means nothing more than the tightest friends. And I've learned to try and shoot for it in a different way.

Like someone says, friendship isn't worth it if you are not happy with it. There's only someone who I deserve, and vice versa. I"m not saying this in the sense that I don't care about people's feelings, but simply because there's nothing I can do, and since from past experience, saying can only get you so far, I will always say whatever's concerning me, to the right person. I should be happy with or without others. I can be happier with people, maybe more with certain people than others, and that's totally fine, but now I can be happy with myself. They can't affect me as much as anyone can before. I won't let anyone do that ever again as much as before. Does that mean things have changed? Maybe for me, but I'd like to think and put it as here are more important things at hand, and that is whether I'm happy with myself.

And then maybe I can begin to trust people more again. And that is a good thing.

There's gonna be a lot of new people, and it's gonna be great. 'Cause all they have to know, if they ever will, is that if I give out my heart, they will have all of it.

This is the last time. Everything will now be behind me. I'm marking this a new beginning.

---

So, pretty excited, so far I'm certain that I got my position as a chemistry lab TA for the fall semester, and I am absolutely wicked excited about it :D Also got an appointment set up for a position as a OIT tech person, helping people with computer / technology problems. Oh if I do get both jobs it's gonna be so exciting next semester.

Last day of work today, went pretty well. Chilled at Starbucks a little with a friend; visited high school, etc.

Might LoL a bit later, if not, going straight to bed. Or maybe I'll just chill, 'cause I don't have to wake up early anymore hehe :)

 

distanceIV

I decided to take a break, a vacation. It almost felt like I'm picking back up a break that I stopped enjoying a while ago. I mean, right now life seems to be just for work and work and some meaningless hang outs and work and more work and sleep and trying to keep yourself alive and enjoy life. Do we do all this to prevent ourselves from losing ourselves in our lives? From losing our lives? Why do we do all that we do? What's driving us to do all of these?

Hannah, you would know, right? You told me already. You were afraid. You were afraid that people won't be afraid of losing you. Your parents...I've met them. I'm really sorry. I tried to be there and do as much as I could then, but it wasn't enough. I lost you, and it was my fault. Please don't be afraid anymore, because I was afraid of losing you. I don't know if I am still, because now you're gone, and I can't do anything about anything.

I should have stopped the car. I shouldn't have listened to you. I'm sorry I couldn't save you.

No one even thought it was my fault, but it was, I was the only person who could have stopped it then, but I didn't.

You were so afraid that no one would care. I could feel it even before you told me. "Just once, you know, I want someone to be afraid of losing me."

What the hell did your parents do to you.

I haven't driven in 2 years. It's still too much for me. Just being in a car is bad enough. The memories flood back each time--the tears, the crying, the car that ran that red light, me slamming on the breaks, the force, the impact, the tumble, your bloody face, my smashed arm, the deformed cars, the flames, the dead look in your eyes. It all replays in my mind, over and over again, on repeat.

Why did I live? Why did I go with you, so at least you have someone there to be with you.

I think I took her for granted, and I hate myself for that.

 

illuminated

Some people find happy things. Some people make happy things. Either good things happen to you, or you make the best out of the things you have, or maybe both. Or maybe neither of the two happens to you.

Many happy things happen to a lot of people. I know a few of them. There's not much I can say or do but that I'm happy for you. All of you. There is nothing more.

----

I think that is just exactly how it is. And honestly, it's really what it is. You can do whatever you want, say whatever you want to say, etc. But if no one is looking for anything, from you, you won't make a difference. Sometimes it works with memories, where you start looking for something and what you find would be those things that people and you did exactly. What you did. What people did.

But if people don't look in the first place, there is no memory established.

I think this is why I still blog. In case people start to look. Start to look for something illuminated.

What are the odds of that? Slim, I tell you. I mean, I don't even want to bother knowing any of this. Who does?

 

lettersI'llneversend

When I say I’m over you, I’m not saying that I don’t Love you anymore. It doesn’t mean that I don’t remember those amazing times we’ve spent together or that I don’t occasionally long for the happiness and joy you brought in my life. When I say I’m over you, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about you throughout the day or that it wouldn’t hurt to see you again or to hear your beautiful voice. It doesn’t mean that my Love for you will wane or that I will ever stop caring about you. You were a significant part of my life and I would be ashamed of myself to ever pretend that you weren’t.

But when I say I’m over you, it means I’ve received with perfect clarity and understanding that I was meant for someone else, and so were you. It means that I’ve accepted the fact that you have moved on and will not be returning, and so further pursuit of your heart will only result in deeper scars in my own. When I say I’m over you, I’m saying that I have learned to be happy without you and know that I can Love again when the moment is right. Yeah, the thoughts of you being with another guy hurt, but that’s because of the bond we had developed over nearly six months. However, if you can find the perfect guy who makes you happier than we were and who will help you grow in maturity and in your faith, then no one will be more supportive or happy for you than I.

I AM over you, and I have moved on. I still Love you, but I see now that we will never be. I could never make you happy in the manner you made me happy, because I know I don’t have what you are looking for. And I want to let you know that I am finally okay with that. I have never said a bad word against you or sought to tear you down since we broke up seven and a half months ago. And since then, I have been intent on guarding your heart and attempting to shield it from as much pain from me as possible, despite the attacks mine has endured. For nearly six months I gave you all my Love; now I pray for your happiness to be complete in your future husband, that he may give you what I didn’t have and more, because you are more than worth it. I have healed and I have let you go, however I will never forget the way you used to Love me, though it seems so long ago, because it gives me hope that maybe someone else can Love me too.

I wish you well

I think this is what it means.

words are no longer anything

Be a filter, not a sponge.

It feels like this:

I know Patrick will be around, but I'm afraid that since he isn't sad, he won't want to spend time with me.

Isn't it strange the times people choose to be generous. Isn't it.

How do you feel infinite?

Why am I doing this again.

You have no idea how much those simple words meant to me. I had no idea how much those simple words meant to me.

We all say to not look into the past. But we look into the future because of the presence of one's past. We all say not to dwell in the past, but we are always dwelling in the experience and memories so that we may go forward knowing either you will find the same positive things or different and more hopeful things.

Words are no longer anything.

Should I believe you? Will I allow myself to believe you? It wasn't you but I have believed words once and words were nothing.

It's like I would die for myself but I can't live for myself 'cause I've lost so much faith in words.

But I'm still writing. I even imagined myself at one point to write all those letters like that.

Are these the letters, just like those?

The tricky thing is, the way it was written, it was for the reader, for me. for you. There's nothing anonymous.

But then everything is also anonymous, isn't it.

But, as messy and ambiguous as everything is, I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. Maybe it IS because I accept the love I think I deserve, even though I don't know what that is.

Or maybe it's because I don't know what I deserve.

I'm gonna go to the airport one day. I'm gonna stay there for a few hours. Quite a few hours. And just watch. I want to see people reunite. I want to see people run to each other, the kissing and the crying, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all the change; the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone. Because there's not much of these in my life.

I write about what I lived. Words other than those are no longer anything.

one month

 

why am I here?

Tim why am I here?

I told you that you wanted to get away. I think that was what you said. Did you say that? Did you mean that? Did you know what you said? Because I was at the movies, and your text distracted me and got me thinking.

Why am I here?

Am I here to do something? Or should I be somewhere else and I'm not? Did I miss a chance somewhere? Should I be trying something else?

Yea, I don't know the answer to any of those questions. We're just alive, right? I think I'm trying to make something worthwhile. Not sure what, but this gives me something to do and live for; I'm doing stuff. Is that the case for you?

I don't think you read this really, but I might just link you back here.

You know, I think you did say that you wanted to get away, because I remember me thinking the same thing, of getting away.

Well, I'm moving, so I think it's my turn.

Why don't I blog as much anymore? It's not that I have nothing to say. Or because I didn't want to talk about my day. It's because if people wanted to know they'd ask, so I don't bother.

I guess we're all just alive and about.

You got away...is it working?

Gonna peace out. Work tomorrow.

just this.

http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2011/06/reaching-in-dark.html

Anyway, to all the people who have found it, my hat is off to you. I hope you know how lucky you are to be experiencing one of the most amazing things in the world, I’m sure you do. and as for me, I will continue on with my life, doing the things I love, that feel right, and hope for the best. they say the best way to find love is by doing what you love, and I suppose I’m trying my best to do that right now. so maybe.. maybe, one day everything will fall into place. and if not, I’ll at least have the things I truly love to keep me occupied.

 

 

 

 

heavy boots

I realized something, kinda big.

I realized that I forgot what love feels like, and I intend to keep it that way. Specifically, I realized that it's more of the loving others part that I'm starting to forget, and I think I need to keep it that way for a while. I try not to remember the life that I didn't want to lose but lost and have to remember. It used to fill my heart with so much joy, even if the joy wasn't mine. But with that life, my life story was happening faster than my life. Just as it is, a friction began to arise between Nothing and Something, in the morning the Nothing vase cast a Something shadow, like the memory of someone you've lost, what can you say about that, at night the Nothing light from the guest room spilled under the Nothing door and stained the Something hallway, there's nothing to say. It's true, it became difficult to navigate from Something to Something without accidentally walking through Nothing. In the middle of all of this inevitable mixing of Nothing and Something, you still find the need to disappear in the middle of everything, Something, because I was more alone than if I had been alone.

I had company because I can be the company and not so much the other way around. Was it ever the other way around?

I get heavy boots, too, Oskar. But I can't change the Sahara Desert.

I am no long waiting. Everything's different, and there's enough Nothing already and it's impossible to go through the day without a train of thought of Something not involving Nothing.

I'm going to start loving myself and myself only. I'm going to make myself things and not always others. I'm bitter, and colder, but I'm also stronger.

I'm gonna be better to myself.

I felt, that night, [...] incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming?

miracles

I just had the realization that I think I'm waiting for a miracle. That I'm still waiting. But I don't know what. I still wait though, and when I do it, I just want to sleep, because waiting is draining my life. That's probably why I get so tired. My head tells me that I'm tired of waiting, but that's all my heart wants to do.

If I love you enough to let you go, would you love me enough to come back?

Stop thinking that please.

But whenever we talk it feels like I'm falling for you again. What do I do?

embarkment

I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together and the end of missing someone

I forgot this quote. I just remembered it after seeing people packing up and leaving today. People leaving and heading home, leaving friends even though they might see each other again over summer or simply wait till next semester. There were last meals shared, hugs exchanged, and love felt.

Makes me wonder why don't people do that more often on the daily basis.

Freshman year has ended as of 2:30 today, after my biology final. Some people already left, some people leaving tomorrow, some the day after that. Tonight will be my last night here. I'm going to miss people. As much as I don't want to, I will.

And you know what, I think I will only be able to hang out with you little by little. I'm healing, and I don't think I can ever heal if I keep getting hurt. I'm thinking of telling you the whole story, but I don't know what that would accomplish. But it's keep popping up my mind because I...still want to be friends, and in that sense, I feel the need to share my story with you, even though...you're in the story. But...is it fair to tell you all this stuff, to let you know that you hurt me, and leave it at that? That really doesn't sound too...responsible. And...I know you don't care and won't ask, so I guess there's another reason that makes it unnecessary to tell you. Even if I still want to tell you, do I do it face to face or online, a letter, or something? I don't know.

We're both leaving tomorrow, and I really don't think I can decide on something before tomorrow. Plus, I kinda want to check with him too. I mean, I'm scared of what he will say, I really am. I'm trying not to, not to care, and honestly, I think if I force and keep telling myself that I don't, maybe I'll care less, because you know what, you seem to care more that he cares, so the caring part is settled.

You don't read any of this anymore though. You've stopped a long time ago. Did you stop when you decided? Or before? Or Afterwards? Why am I so curious? It doesn't even matter anymore. I mean, it's not like I seriously lost something, considering really, I never earned or had it to begin with.

Now I feel like I'm using all sorts of defense mechanisms to deal with all of this. Shit happens, don't they. It was so sad, I couldn't even hang out for the sake of hanging out anymore. Did you know? Would it make a difference? But you don't try. We've established that.

I haven't posted in so long. I just didn't have the will to even...sort out my mind until two days ago, when I disappeared. Am I putting up another wall? Because if I am, I can feel that this is going to be the strongest wall I've ever built. I'm afraid that there's just so much pain behind it, constantly stirred and salted over the past month. Do you know why? Because I thought you could heal me in the very very least. It worked a little, until, yea, shit happened.

You know, I always--yes, always--seem to fall and give in at the wrong time, and I always end up getting hurt. It overwhelms to the extent that I'm no longer as social as I was before, and I think you know that, and I suppose you're fine with it too. That's not what bothered me though. What bothers me is because I do mind but you don't. Because if I were in his shoes, you would mind. Is this jealousy? I really really hope it's not, because I don't want me to do that. I don't. I'm too hurt to feel that again.

Yea it is. Tim, just no.

You know, I bet you already have the impression or idea that I'm over you already. The funny thing is, I thought so too. I seriously thought so, until...we started hanging out again. Tell me, what should I do to not keep falling for love? I keep falling for you, and I really really don't want to anymore. Do you know what this feels like? It's like you don't want to sleep and you keep staying up, and you still end up dozing off, because then you dream about..just...all of this. I don't think time works, because we've gone through that, and...it didn't work.

Did you realize that I stopped poking you on facebook? Ah, I don't care, what am I talking about.

As much as it hurts, I still want to see you one last time, so whether I decide to tell you anything or not, I think my heart won't rest without a goodbye, a something.

Or am I just telling myself that? This is just sad by now. Sorry about that. I'll try to make this the last time.

Maybe I'll tell you to read this. Maybe I won't. I've been concerned about other people's feelings all this time, and I simply take all the consequences of telling and not telling myself, depending on what wouldn't hurt the feeling of others, or even risk hurting them. Now, I think I need to stop doing that for once and just...say what's on my mind. I think I need to do whatever that won't hurt me anymore, because I really don't know if I can ever heal if this continues.

I just realized that even if you read this, there are so much that's being left out. Because I think what I had put down is just...the synopsis. I suppose I shouldn't be hopeful that you'll ask about the rest. *shrug*

Well, I kind of regret that freshman year ended...with this mess on my end. But in any case, if you're happy, if everyone's doing well, then I think I don't matter. The majority counts.

Am I excited for the summer? I don't know. It's a break. It's not seeing familiar faces, faces that I've grown together with. Some closer, some okay, and some just...there. In any case, however, I don't regret meeting anyone, including you. To an extent, I do not regret going through this. Yes, it hurts, it really really does, and this time around, even though I've tried my best to make everything that happen into experiences that can shape me, I've cracked under the pressure, how fast everything happened, over and over again.

But...at the same time it's about seeing old faces again. The long-lived inside jokes, the runs, the LAN parties, movie nights, and just hanging out. I just hope that...at least some of these can help me heal.

If...there's any chance that you might want to know the rest...I'll tell it to you, like a story, without names. It'll be what happened to and for me, and not who. I...will tell it to you.

And I hope it's not unfair to say that...I will still miss you, both to you and my own heart.

I'm sorry, I have no answers to anything. How to heal me, why doesn't time work, if I should tell you or not, any of these. If you really do end up reading this, can you give me some feedback and let me know what you think I should do?

**

Just pieces of my mind at the hour. May everyone sleep tight tonight.

oyasumi, world.