a walk on a beach

Hah, I actually remember going to an interview for Harvard too.

That was four years ago though.

As a reflection of my undergraduate years, I’m looking back right now and I ask myself, “What happened? What do you remember? What will you miss, and what won’t you miss? What did you learn?”

Well, four years went back like a flash of light, that’s for sure, and a lot of things happened. There are some cliché things like I made friends and experienced friendship differently than I had before; that the classes made me realize my strengths, weaknesses, interests, what bores me, and for the most part compassion. Everything I experienced in college that ties closely to real life and career-choosing are for the most part both anxious and exciting. That’s part of life, though, right? I mean, I also found my love for wings and the mix of lemon and honey tea and double-bagging green tea and walks in the rain…but there are also other things I’ve learned.

I’ve seen some people change over time. I watched them change over time. Whether it involved my friendship with them or not, that we drifted or got closer, seeing this change is sometimes frightening. Maybe that has more to do with my own sense of insecurities. But in a way, it felt like a reality check whenever I am reminded how a certain friend is no longer who he/she was before. It was a reminder to make sure I am not turning into someone I don’t ever want to be. 

It is also in these four years that I learned the meaning of isolation. I have disappeared from everyone before. I woke up very early and just left for the entire day. That as freshmen year, and one person asked me where I was but I ignored her because I didn’t want anyone to know where I was. I needed to be alone and live through that isolation and feel everything that made me want to do that and from that. After that, it was almost nights after nights of solidarity because everyone has their plans with their own friends. Often times, my plans, while planned early, would simply be changed because they have a later but better plan with other friends.

And because of those nights, they gave me too much time to think, and the power of thoughts hits like a truck more often than I would like to feel them. The worst part is I would still try to get friends to do the friendship thing, but the more I try, the more time I got to overthink, and the more I do it…like a positive feedback. Thoughts like, “We’re friends because of who they are and not who I am,” “their plans are much better than mine,” “maybe I should drink more,” and “they’re just being nice” come up way too often.

The silver lining? Some people have unknowingly kept my sanity. One of them is my roommate, who doesn’t do much either but I appreciate his willingness to always room with me over the three years. Along with that, however, are some friends who have made the exceptions to my previous paragraph, and also people I’ve met online. Words really do not do you guys justice, because so often it was you guys that brought up my spirits on a night when I get the feeling of my knees giving out or curling up and not wanting to wake up forever. You know who you are, and seriously, thank you so so much for just being you. I love you guys so so much. To a great extent, you made life that much more enjoyable, and those 1 am stress moments that much less nerve-wracking.

Speaking of that, there are also many many lessons that I’ve learned about love in these four years. First of all, a lot of the times, people throw the word around so often it feels like a scratch on the back rather than a hug to the soul. I really try not to use it unless I mean it, but I’ve been on the other side, and I want everyone who is reading this to know that it is not okay to do it. Please be careful and mindful of the words you speak. Sometimes it is better to remain silence a few more seconds to pick out the better words than to impulsively open with whatever that came to your mind. Also, please don’t play with people’s feelings.

Sadly, that brings me to some regrets. I was an idiot (Cece don’t get mad at me…), I really still think that sometimes. So here I will tell you guys to not create a materialized hope for yourself. I’m not gonna really go into it, but think about what that means. If you get it, take my advice and don’t do it. I just wish I am not an idiot anymore, and that I learned what I needed to from it. If you asked me if I can go back to change what happened, however, I think I will tell you I won’t change it, only because I think a few positive things also came from it, such as I think I have learned an invaluable lesson, and that I was able to share this experience with some people. It might still be a regret, but I think it doesn’t stab me in the front more than it used to.

What will I miss, then? I honestly want to say everything (of course, other than the 3 am fire alarms and long freshmen lines at the dining commons). I think I will miss everything about college, and good and the bad. As much as there were bad and low moments, sometimes it made the good moments that much better.

Also, it reminded me that I’m really not alone in this world, and that I just need to remind myself the real focus is not of this world. I just wish more of my friends also share my faith.

                So what was college to me? Real life? Not exactly. I think it’s more like a preview, a sample package, of 90% of the emotions you will encounter in life, thrown at you with lesser or greater intensity. It was undoubtedly a life changing experience, Lord, and I thank you for every second of it. I wish to believe that I am a better person than I was before, that everything that happened was not out of luck or chance, but to make myself a better person.  

In a way, college was just a part of a beach (kudos to you if you get the reference). No matter how strong the waves are, keep walking. Maybe you will also see only one set of footprints. 

Thank you for reading :) 

God Bless. 

a letter to myself a year ago

Hey, it's the last day of 2013. If I remember correctly, you are on a mission to finish watching FRIENDS before the winter break ends. You did finish, I’ll have you know, with time to spare. 

A lot of things are going to happen in 2013, more than you can imagine. 

--

You will struggle at times with your relationship with your dad. It will come haunt you like it always has, and it will change both you and him. But you will get through it, and you will be ok. 

You will be able to meet up with an old friend to talk about life and the future. You will appreciate her in your life much much more, even though you barely talk to each other. But that doesn't really matter because you can pick it up wherever you have last left off. 

A beloved friend of yours will lose someone dear to him. It will happen so suddenly that it leaves you with a void that seems to freeze time itself. But he will be strong, and you will take that as a reality check, a reminder to testify to love whenever you can. 

You will slowly start to redefine "friends" and "perfectness." You will find out more friends have drifted from you, either because maybe they made better friends, or you were never really friends with them to begin with, and you are still trying to figure out what they thought of your friendships. But let them be redefined, because in a way it ends up doing you some good, so let it happen. Get past the confusion and hurt, you can do it. 

You will get a Surface Pro and it will carry you through work and classes more effectively than you had imagined (don't get too excited now!)

Waves of stressful anxiety with research labs will crowd your thoughts for some time, but you will get two internship interviews. You will nail both of them and get accepted to an amazing summer research internship and have a great time. It will also point you in a direction that suits your interest more than you know. And you will work your ass off for a number that you still dread its power over you, but you will keep going, whatever it takes.

You will also make something with your heart and hands that you thought you’re proud of, but it will become one of the worst mistakes you have ever made in your life. It will be you subconsciously trying to hold onto hope almost physically, but it will not only fail but you will also lose something that means terribly much to you. 

…but it’s okay, because you will learn from it… oh boy, do you learn from it. It will teach you what it really means to let go, to truly let go. Whatever you do, please...let the lesson change you for the better, and don’t let it bring you down. 

You will make a friend who will become your best friend, and please, you have to make sure that you don't let this one go, ever. I'm warning you, if you mess this up somehow I will build a time machine myself and come beat you up. 

An event is going to shake both you and the world like no other ever has. Someone sick in the heart will bring bombs to the Boston Marathon and hurt so many innocent people. It will hit home, literally, and again it will act as a reminder to show compassion to those around you. Let it speak. 

You’ll find yourself starting over, a new blog, that is, because you realize that something had changed you. You’ll ask yourself why it still bothers you, and if you miss anything. But you will realize that you don’t anymore, because you are no longer that person, and you can finally leave it all behind.

You will also learn that sometimes it is really hard to know how much something can hurt someone, and maybe, to an extent, if a lie can prevent someone hurting but hurts you some instead, think carefully before you do anything. I know you, you'd rather be truthful, but maybe sometimes it is better to lie if the lie will only hurt you, and all you have to do then is to slowly heal from it. 

You are going to get an apartment for the first time, with a sick monitor setup in the living room, and you will have the chance to learn the arts of cooking. You will love it, I tell you, so let the interest live on, and don't be lazy now! 

You will also go to your first concert, and it’s Yellowcard ‘s Ocean Avenue Acoustic Tour, too. It will change your life, and you will love them even more. Not only that but you will also meet your pen pal from England. Maybe it is the best time to meet and talk, but made it will make the experience so much more worth it.

It might not be clear or easy to tell, but you still make a few very good friends, friends who--I believe--keep you in their thoughts from time to time, and to a very large extent, they will keep you going. Their short company, small talks, and the little thoughts…they all count, more than you realize.

You will find confusion, a lot of it, because you struggle to be yourself or not. You won’t be able to decide whether you want to fight for hope, because you don’t know if it’s worth the fight. You will end up giving up because you will break again, but not as bad this time, maybe because you will convince yourself that you don’t have much to lose.

Heh, and with a little luck (and impulse, really), you are able to play Pokemon again, and bring back a childhood joy that you never thought you could experience again. 

All the most important part is...you will slowly learn how to live with the scars, and how to make peace with them. It was never your fault, and you don't have to get rid of them. They can stay in the box, and you don't have to face them again because you are not the same person anymore. You are better and stronger, and all you have to do now is carry on. 

...you will also learn that hope can sometimes bring you down, so you have to choose the right kind of hope to keep going. 

2013 will be hell of a roller coaster ride, my friend, but you will survive and learn so much. 

Carry on, my friend, and always testify. 

honesty

I have always strived to be as honest to my friends as possible, even when my answer would not be the most ideal answer to deal with a situation.

But now...

little kids

Thinking back to that day when my mom's friend came over, that 10 year-old girl with probably only 20/40 vision without her glasses...

I realized that I haven't, in the longest time, interacted with little kids. By little I mean like <10 or something. Because honestly I think your interaction with them is very important, because it may just as well affect their worldview later in life.

Just as I remembered that little girl, this article was posted on my fb newsfeed.

Go give that a good read, because it is a wonderfully written and illustrated point at which I think everyone needs to take note. I mean, if I do become a pediatrician, this is totally something I need to look out for on a daily basis.

And besides that, it's just the right thing to do-to turn your focus on things that matter more, that can direct them to a healthier mindset. I believe this approach can also indirectly boost kids' self esteem.

So please give a read and take its message to heart!

a family post

I want to talk about a few things real quick.

I was talking to my mom on the way back from my internship yesterday, and Father’s Day came up. We ended up talking about dad, and it was only really until then when I realized I need to put this down somewhere.

To be brutally honest, my dad is not my favorite person in this world. Yes, I sound like a terrible person and I cannot deny how I sound, but it is true, mainly because how my dad has been-or tried to be-a father. He has been the main financial support of the family, and I’m grateful for that. But what I want to talk about is the fact that he has been a huge emotional burden of the family. His temper, super hypocritical and pessimistic world view, critical impulses and thoughts, and incapability to communicate have caused countless of discord in the family. He has never solved any problems with words, wits, or patience. As a result, he has barely taught me anything valuable in life; in reality, I have grown up sworn not to be like him in so many ways.

It is my mom who has been to real emotional support behind the scenes, constantly putting up with my dad’s nonsense shouting and thoughts, his negative inputs of this family. She has always been the mental, emotional, and even spiritual support in this family. Honestly, I truly think that if it weren’t for my mom’s emotional strength, this family would have easily fallen apart.

Kinda sad, eh?

But that is just all background information for this post/rant.

So back in the car: we’re talking about my dad and I was once again reminded of his lack of a good childhood, along with an essentially malfunctioned family structure of his own (so my grandparents on his side). I won’t go into details here, but after about 15 mins of talk, I realized I have never really bothered asking about how he grew up, and my mom never really mentioned it either. It made me realize two things: 1) I have pretty much ignored his early life experience without knowing, and 2) after having that in the equation, he might be trying to be a good dad from scratch, all the time (in short, he had no real father figure).

While it was how I was brought up, and how I’ve grown to know him, I have learned to be less critical of him and how he talks and expresses himself, and to correct him and his thoughts whenever I can. A lot of the times his incentives are ill-driven, but sometimes he still has good intentions. He just…sucks at being a father, and I’d give him a bad rating.

But he’s my dad, and maybe with time, we can still change him. 

this should have been over a long time ago

Ok, the party was fine. I had fun. Maybe not the most fun I've had, but it was very very nice to see everyone's faces and to just hang out.

This is like one of the few times I actually decided to drink. I maybe had 5 shots and 4 jello shots and I'm like completely fine. I don't even know how much that was. But I don't feel anything, that's for sure. Idk if I was actually aiming to get drunk or anything.

The thing is the party kinda turned into multiple small parties/conversations. And I can tell you that, although I was there, I wasn't really part of any actual ones. It was just a few oh hey how are you, comments here and there, and then that was all. And that's my life in my face once again.

I don't know why I'm writing all this. Oh right, I remember now.

What I realized and continued to lie to myself is that that one tiny part of me still tried. It tried so hard, so so hard, because just maybe one little thing would probably have worked. But then I think it has been way too clear that it just won't work. And the fact that the bond wasn't because of who I am. It never was anyways, and yet there I was, trying to convince that I had a part in it.

I'm done trying. No more. I'm done. Tim, you. are. done. You don't want to do this anymore, so just drop it. You are perfectly fine in your circles, so please, go to your circles.

It's just not something I can do, so now I'm willingly stepping out, ok than ever. It's only natural that one desires more to enjoy the company who can make you smile and laugh. Who am I to say that I can try to do that when in reality I just can't?

Should have just left everything with the jar when I did.

And maybe I'm just that....socially challenged. Or maybe it's just because everyone knows everyone else much better than I know everyone else. Yea, it's that. It's always fucking that. I still had fun because, well, it's just my life and I saw it coming from a million miles away anyway, and I tried to the best out of it, and I believe I did to the best of my ability.

Well, anyways, thanks for inviting me over, friends. I did enjoy it, I did.

Am I upset? I don't know. Maybe. I'm just sad.

If you read this, I don't want you to do anything different. Just forget about anything you just read.

But yea. I'm done. I am now officially accepting all of this, and I'm done.

Tim, ever thought of the fact that maybe those kinds of friends you're looking for just don't fucking exist? HAHA yea, Tim, you are a fucking idiot. Moving fucked you over and now you're looking for rain in the desert. Well you know what? You get a water bottle. Use it wisely.

I wish I don't value friendship as much as I do.

Ok I'm done, I don't want to talk about any of this anymore. No more.

you know what sucks?

Do you know what I hate? I hate when I join in a conversation or something…actually, not even. Anything. Just anything. Maybe it was sorta a conversation to begin with. Everyone’s talking, sharing thoughts and whatnot, and then I open my mouth to say something, like anything, people either drop their heads to their phones or start another topic as I was still talking. Basically, no one pays attention or they don’t like me talking or something.

Wtf am I, invisible? Yea, that must be it. I’m fucking invisible. Why did I even bother to come hang out. I bet I’m just a fucking bother. I miss my friends, but that’s just me. No one wants to hear me talk? Fine I won’t fucking talk.

God I hate this. People even give strangers more attention.

This is just my fucking life. You would not believe how fucking often this happens.

Pardon my language, I’m just really upset when I think about this.

When you know the difference between “love” and “being nice,” you see a lot clearer.

You know they’re right; make friends during your freshman year in college, because afterwards friends become much harder to find. Believe me, I've learned this the hard way.