Wednesday, January 30, 2013
long night
This will probably be one of my longest nights ever.
The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.
Absolute lack of motivation is sickening.
But at the same time, I know she's in good hands too, so I guess I shouldn't be to worried.
Drowning myself in Hillsong and Chris Tomlin for the night, if I do go to sleep.
The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.
Absolute lack of motivation is sickening.
But at the same time, I know she's in good hands too, so I guess I shouldn't be to worried.
Drowning myself in Hillsong and Chris Tomlin for the night, if I do go to sleep.
Monday, January 28, 2013
project, receive, shout
I feel like not many people have experienced this, so I want you guys (haha the minimal amount of readers that might read this) to know this and experience this.
No matter what religion you believe in, find a song in it and sing to praise.
Because singing a praise song is like nothing you have ever experienced. You pour your heart out into all the lyrics, feel every word, and live every note.
And it is even more powerful when you sing, in unison, with other believers. The feeling of love and family (for me, in Christ) around you strengthens the lyrics, and you feel belonged.
Nothing, and I say nothing can compare to what you feel when you sing these songs.
It works miracles in Christianity. I'm not familiar with other religions, but if yours has this practice, do it.
I mean, of course it'd be lovely if you would want to experience our faith, and if you do, shoot me a message or something :)
I really love listening to worship songs. I don't do so as often as I would like because, well, they get to me and I usually tear up >.> They're too powerful, I tell ya.
No matter what religion you believe in, find a song in it and sing to praise.
Because singing a praise song is like nothing you have ever experienced. You pour your heart out into all the lyrics, feel every word, and live every note.
And it is even more powerful when you sing, in unison, with other believers. The feeling of love and family (for me, in Christ) around you strengthens the lyrics, and you feel belonged.
Nothing, and I say nothing can compare to what you feel when you sing these songs.
It works miracles in Christianity. I'm not familiar with other religions, but if yours has this practice, do it.
I mean, of course it'd be lovely if you would want to experience our faith, and if you do, shoot me a message or something :)
I really love listening to worship songs. I don't do so as often as I would like because, well, they get to me and I usually tear up >.> They're too powerful, I tell ya.
Saturday, January 26, 2013
good to you
Everyone's around, no words are coming out
And I can't find my breath, can we just say the rest with no sound
And I know this isn't enough, I still don't measure up
And I'm not prepared, sorry is never there when you need it
And I do want you to know I hold you up above everyone
And I do want you to know I think you'd be good to me
And I'd be so good to you
I would
I thought I saw a sign, somewhere between the lines
Maybe it's me, maybe I only see, what I want
But I still have your letter, just got caught between
Someone I just invented, and who I really am and who I've become
And I do want you to know I hold you up above everyone
Ad I do want you know I think you'd be good to me
And I'd be so good to you
You bring me higher
Yeah
I would
And I do want you to know I hold you up above everyone
And I do want you know I think you'd be good to me
And I'd be so good to you
I'd be good to you
I'd be good to you
I'd be so good to you...
Thursday, January 24, 2013
back to real blog posts
I feel like I haven't really really blogged in a while. Actually, as I am writing this I'm suddenly feeling quite lonely, not sure why. But anyways, I'm blogging as I watch theRadBrad's walkthrough on Silent Hill 3. I have the Win7 split screen going on here.
Deep breath, deep breath.
Ok, first thing's first. My new roommate. Or should I say, my non-existent new roommate.
It's been almost a week and he still hasn't showed up. I think by today his appointment got cancelled, but today is also the beginning of the room swapping period. This lasts for a week, therefore by next Thursday, I think it's safe to say that we'll have a double if no one moves in!!
I can't find the closet to put my extra bed frames after I unlofted my bed. Apparently it's somewhere in the basement but I can't find it. I was also told that I could open the closet with my dorm key (I do not understand why they would do that if it's true), but I tried all the doors (yes, like a creepy person) and was unsuccessful. -_____-
Oh yea, lab. I may not appear to be too occupied by this, but honestly I'm stressed out of my mind because of this lab thing. I'm taking 12 credits without the lab right now, but honestly I really really want a lab for credit so I can just take 3 classes for 9 credits and 3 from lab. But I'm already signed up for 4 classes for 12 credits and prepared for the worst, which is not getting into a lab.
Right now, it really doesn't look like anyone's hiring any research assistants, and/or the fact that the few ones that are are more ecology related and that's my least favorite science subject. I don't know what to do. I guess I can only just email more professors who may (but honestly I doubt) have openings in their labs.
Gawd I'm so stressed out.
It's been absolutely freezing out, with temperatures about zero degrees and negative wind chills. I have an 9-am class tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to going into frozen tundra. I don't wanna die yet >.< At least my room is nice and warm...too warm, at times #firstworldproblems
Also, my friend who's going abroad in Italy visited before leaving on Sunday. Went just all hung out and went downtown to a new restaurant and hung out more. It was a good night :)
What else...I don't remember what else to talk about, so I guess this will be all for now. I'll blog more tomorrow x)
---
Falling into this whole spiral again, damnit I just wanna scream.
A friend said he wants to be happier and more fun this semester, as a person, as a friend. I want to do that too. I really do. But I don't know how, I really don't.
Sometimes I hate myself.
Deep breath, deep breath.
Ok, first thing's first. My new roommate. Or should I say, my non-existent new roommate.
It's been almost a week and he still hasn't showed up. I think by today his appointment got cancelled, but today is also the beginning of the room swapping period. This lasts for a week, therefore by next Thursday, I think it's safe to say that we'll have a double if no one moves in!!
I can't find the closet to put my extra bed frames after I unlofted my bed. Apparently it's somewhere in the basement but I can't find it. I was also told that I could open the closet with my dorm key (I do not understand why they would do that if it's true), but I tried all the doors (yes, like a creepy person) and was unsuccessful. -_____-
Oh yea, lab. I may not appear to be too occupied by this, but honestly I'm stressed out of my mind because of this lab thing. I'm taking 12 credits without the lab right now, but honestly I really really want a lab for credit so I can just take 3 classes for 9 credits and 3 from lab. But I'm already signed up for 4 classes for 12 credits and prepared for the worst, which is not getting into a lab.
Right now, it really doesn't look like anyone's hiring any research assistants, and/or the fact that the few ones that are are more ecology related and that's my least favorite science subject. I don't know what to do. I guess I can only just email more professors who may (but honestly I doubt) have openings in their labs.
Gawd I'm so stressed out.
It's been absolutely freezing out, with temperatures about zero degrees and negative wind chills. I have an 9-am class tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to going into frozen tundra. I don't wanna die yet >.< At least my room is nice and warm...too warm, at times #firstworldproblems
Also, my friend who's going abroad in Italy visited before leaving on Sunday. Went just all hung out and went downtown to a new restaurant and hung out more. It was a good night :)
What else...I don't remember what else to talk about, so I guess this will be all for now. I'll blog more tomorrow x)
---
Falling into this whole spiral again, damnit I just wanna scream.
A friend said he wants to be happier and more fun this semester, as a person, as a friend. I want to do that too. I really do. But I don't know how, I really don't.
Sometimes I hate myself.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
perfectness
I think this is the first time I've felt this absolute perfectness that I simply cannot match, something so amazing and special that I don't deserve. It's not a feeling of lowering who I am, but rather a realization of how more perfect you actually are. Like reading something absolutely perfect and realizing you can never write with that perfection. Like a man looking up at an angel.
And as hurtful as it is, I'm ok with it because I know I'm not being selfish.
-h-
And as hurtful as it is, I'm ok with it because I know I'm not being selfish.
-h-
Sunday, January 20, 2013
definition
I've been thinking a lot about how I used to define my friends, and I realized that there's almost an algorithm that I follow. It goes something like this:
If I plan something, who comes to mind first, second, etc? Yea this depends on what the activity is but basically it's a priority thing. Vice versa, if a friend plans something, would I come to mind first, second, etc, or not at all? The second question here doesn't seem fair, but yet true to an extent. The thing is everyone has an older friend, a closer friend, and for some reason I wanna be that person, like all the time. I was pretty selfish, eh?
Another thought process is similar, as it has to do with someone to chat/talk. That is, if something happened that I wanted to share, or just to bug because friends do that, who would I text? A better question, who would be willing to do that and knows that I am doing so because I value that friendship this much? And vice versa, once again, would anyone text me just because they wanted to tell me something that happened in their life? I can only think of a handful, maybe four people, who do that.
I finished The Fault in Our Stars and The Time Keeper just this week, and they reminded me of how I used to define my friends. I'm not really saying that I have changed these ways, because I don't think I have changed much. I am now saying that I want to. Yes, it may make sense to want friends who do these things, who like to share their life with you and not just someone to say hi to; who would think of you when they wanna go see a movie or grab a bite; who want your opinion on a movie, a person, or that outfit; who want your advice on something even if they probably won't listen to you and you know that, but they ask anyway; who let you know of the great books or places they just read/went to because they want to share those also.
These are the little things that I wished and looked for, and from experience that's much too high of an expectation for the most part. Sometimes, these expectations fell short, I started to hate myself because I thought I must be the reason, that I'm boring and annoying or something.
But why am I even asking them for anything? That defeats the purpose of those friendships, doesn't it? All those things should come from both sides naturally and mutually. Ha, even that's too much to ask, now that I just heard myself speak. I'm sorry, it's getting sad to hear all this because everything still sounds selfish as hell, because it sounds like I'm both not acknowledging the fact that my friends have other (closer) friends and yet acknowledging them but very jealous of them.
But I digress.
I wanted to say that from now on, I will try my best to not notice these things, to just appreciate what I have, and try to strengthen them. The last thing I wanna do is to lose these bonds that I didn't before I came here. Even though sometimes I really feel like I'm trying too hard and I just want to say, "screw it, I'm better off by myself," and even though I may feel that again, I will try to put off those thoughts and think of the times when I was part of something.
Because, to be honest, I really do have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and yet I was asking for more.
Rant over.
If I plan something, who comes to mind first, second, etc? Yea this depends on what the activity is but basically it's a priority thing. Vice versa, if a friend plans something, would I come to mind first, second, etc, or not at all? The second question here doesn't seem fair, but yet true to an extent. The thing is everyone has an older friend, a closer friend, and for some reason I wanna be that person, like all the time. I was pretty selfish, eh?
Another thought process is similar, as it has to do with someone to chat/talk. That is, if something happened that I wanted to share, or just to bug because friends do that, who would I text? A better question, who would be willing to do that and knows that I am doing so because I value that friendship this much? And vice versa, once again, would anyone text me just because they wanted to tell me something that happened in their life? I can only think of a handful, maybe four people, who do that.
I finished The Fault in Our Stars and The Time Keeper just this week, and they reminded me of how I used to define my friends. I'm not really saying that I have changed these ways, because I don't think I have changed much. I am now saying that I want to. Yes, it may make sense to want friends who do these things, who like to share their life with you and not just someone to say hi to; who would think of you when they wanna go see a movie or grab a bite; who want your opinion on a movie, a person, or that outfit; who want your advice on something even if they probably won't listen to you and you know that, but they ask anyway; who let you know of the great books or places they just read/went to because they want to share those also.
These are the little things that I wished and looked for, and from experience that's much too high of an expectation for the most part. Sometimes, these expectations fell short, I started to hate myself because I thought I must be the reason, that I'm boring and annoying or something.
But why am I even asking them for anything? That defeats the purpose of those friendships, doesn't it? All those things should come from both sides naturally and mutually. Ha, even that's too much to ask, now that I just heard myself speak. I'm sorry, it's getting sad to hear all this because everything still sounds selfish as hell, because it sounds like I'm both not acknowledging the fact that my friends have other (closer) friends and yet acknowledging them but very jealous of them.
But I digress.
I wanted to say that from now on, I will try my best to not notice these things, to just appreciate what I have, and try to strengthen them. The last thing I wanna do is to lose these bonds that I didn't before I came here. Even though sometimes I really feel like I'm trying too hard and I just want to say, "screw it, I'm better off by myself," and even though I may feel that again, I will try to put off those thoughts and think of the times when I was part of something.
Because, to be honest, I really do have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and yet I was asking for more.
Who I am hates who I've beenI love you all, you know who you are <3
Rant over.
Monday, January 14, 2013
stories
Recall those new years resolutions everyone makes? Well, for me, I just wanna say one thing: I will strive to know my friends better, and their stories. Not sure if I should just be like, "hey so, what's your story?" Idk, I'll figure it out.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
view from heaven
I had a texting conversation with a friend of my last night. He was with his grandma and keeping her company as she slept. We chatted for a little, and I decided to head off 'cause I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. We ended the conversation around 1 am, I fell asleep until 1:40 ish, woke up to brush, and then finally went to bed around 2.
Now looking back, it was only 24 hours ago that we're talking about being excited of going back to school, that things seemed...ok. Well, maybe not, but you could feel some optimism, at least. Talking to him is always a warm and comfortable experience.
When he told me he was with his grandma, I thought it was just such a nice thing to do. It was totally him, though, and I wasn't surprised in the slightest bit. He is an amazing company and friend, and anyone's lucky to be in his company. Yet, among all the optimism, there's that little voice inside that said to me, "maybe his grandma's not feeling well." I knew where that thought was going, so I simply dismissed it because I did not want to follow down that train of thought.
I thought about texting him earlier today to ask him how's she doing, because I had asked him to say hi to her for me, but he told me she's asleep.
Wasn't long after that I learned she had passed away, the night before.
When I saw his fb status, I found myself saying, "No, no no no no no, please no, I just talked to him last night, I thought she was fine...how...why..."
I just sat there for about 5 mins, trying to figure out what I should...say.
I texted my friend to give him a text hug, and to let him know that I'm all ears if he ever wants to talk or anything. I didn't want to ask anything more. He's going through enough already; he doesn't need more texts to answer right now.
I want to dedicate this post to him and his grandma.
Zach, I am so so sorry for your loss. You are an absolutely amazing person and friend. Your spirit in all that you do, your thoughtfulness, warming personality, and your kind soul are things more than anyone could ask for. I never got to know your grandma, but knowing you, she must be nothing short of the things I mentioned. I bet she would not regret to have been your grandma in the slightest, but rather know that because you are her grandson, she can live on, not only in your and your family's heart, but, more importantly, through you and your family.
I'll be praying for you and your family. I pray for your comfort in the midst of sadness and heartache. I pray for understanding and the wiping of tears. I don't know why she was taken away from us so unexpectedly. Maybe no one has an answer. That may be the case, but I know I am sure of two things: she must be darn proud of you for who you are and your irreplaceable character and soul, and that her view from heaven must beat the hell out of ours here.
Love you Zach, you are the best. I'll be praying for you and your family.
Now looking back, it was only 24 hours ago that we're talking about being excited of going back to school, that things seemed...ok. Well, maybe not, but you could feel some optimism, at least. Talking to him is always a warm and comfortable experience.
When he told me he was with his grandma, I thought it was just such a nice thing to do. It was totally him, though, and I wasn't surprised in the slightest bit. He is an amazing company and friend, and anyone's lucky to be in his company. Yet, among all the optimism, there's that little voice inside that said to me, "maybe his grandma's not feeling well." I knew where that thought was going, so I simply dismissed it because I did not want to follow down that train of thought.
I thought about texting him earlier today to ask him how's she doing, because I had asked him to say hi to her for me, but he told me she's asleep.
Wasn't long after that I learned she had passed away, the night before.
When I saw his fb status, I found myself saying, "No, no no no no no, please no, I just talked to him last night, I thought she was fine...how...why..."
I just sat there for about 5 mins, trying to figure out what I should...say.
I texted my friend to give him a text hug, and to let him know that I'm all ears if he ever wants to talk or anything. I didn't want to ask anything more. He's going through enough already; he doesn't need more texts to answer right now.
I want to dedicate this post to him and his grandma.
Zach, I am so so sorry for your loss. You are an absolutely amazing person and friend. Your spirit in all that you do, your thoughtfulness, warming personality, and your kind soul are things more than anyone could ask for. I never got to know your grandma, but knowing you, she must be nothing short of the things I mentioned. I bet she would not regret to have been your grandma in the slightest, but rather know that because you are her grandson, she can live on, not only in your and your family's heart, but, more importantly, through you and your family.
I'll be praying for you and your family. I pray for your comfort in the midst of sadness and heartache. I pray for understanding and the wiping of tears. I don't know why she was taken away from us so unexpectedly. Maybe no one has an answer. That may be the case, but I know I am sure of two things: she must be darn proud of you for who you are and your irreplaceable character and soul, and that her view from heaven must beat the hell out of ours here.
Love you Zach, you are the best. I'll be praying for you and your family.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
here we go again
Yea, my dad's at it again. Sorry in advance but I need to vent. This is just ridiculous.
I wanted to sleep in today, and I did. I was waking up around 11:40 when my mom came in my room.
Before I write down what she said, my dad hates my aunt from my mom's side for unknown reasons. Well, not really for unknown reasons but for very childish reasons that I will not go into.
Anyways, she came in and told me that my aunt came over one time when I was away and slept in my room. In addition, she used a purple towel that I currently use as a shower towel. My dad then flipped out at her for that, started yelling at her for doing that, apparently came in my room and took that towel away, and continued to bring up completely non-related topic to scold my mom.
Big deal, it's just a towel, for God's sake. What is the big fucking deal?
Yea, I don't want to talk to him, he talks nonsense in everything. He uses no reasoning, no logic, and just pure irrational emotions. Not my favorite person in the world, I tell ya. All he ever does at home is just scold. He has serious issues, and I'm honestly ready to leave and get a place of my own when I can. Prob bring my mom with me or something.
He's like the true example a Christian by name. Sad, it is.
Alright that's enough of him. Screw him.
Rant over.
I wanted to sleep in today, and I did. I was waking up around 11:40 when my mom came in my room.
Before I write down what she said, my dad hates my aunt from my mom's side for unknown reasons. Well, not really for unknown reasons but for very childish reasons that I will not go into.
Anyways, she came in and told me that my aunt came over one time when I was away and slept in my room. In addition, she used a purple towel that I currently use as a shower towel. My dad then flipped out at her for that, started yelling at her for doing that, apparently came in my room and took that towel away, and continued to bring up completely non-related topic to scold my mom.
Big deal, it's just a towel, for God's sake. What is the big fucking deal?
Yea, I don't want to talk to him, he talks nonsense in everything. He uses no reasoning, no logic, and just pure irrational emotions. Not my favorite person in the world, I tell ya. All he ever does at home is just scold. He has serious issues, and I'm honestly ready to leave and get a place of my own when I can. Prob bring my mom with me or something.
He's like the true example a Christian by name. Sad, it is.
Alright that's enough of him. Screw him.
Rant over.
Friday, January 4, 2013
talking to friends
Honestly, it's always me texting my friends first to say hi. Is that abnormal? Do you do that? Like, let's say you just wanna say hi to someone because they crossed your mind, do you text them? I do, because here's a shocker: I wanna say hi my friends. What's wrong about that? And yet I feel like I'm the only one who does that. Idk if people do that, but when if they do, then it just means that I probably don't pop up in people's minds.
Cool.
Do none of my friends like to say hi to people?
Or maybe that's my problem. I like to say hi to my friends.
You know what, whatever. I've refrained myself from texting people quite a lot of times just because I know I'll be bugging them. This is how I know: they're either always busy, never reply, or our text threads are always initiated by me.
Yea, I shouldn't even say hi to people I love. Great life here.
I'm getting really really tired of this.
Rant over.
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
a jar of...
I started up the ignition, the car rumbled a bit as I feel the car coming to life. Sarah's sitting in the back, her seat belt on, with a little red hat and a pair of plastic sun glasses.
We started to head back home, and she was still looking at the sunset. The route back was along this river that leads out the city. The sunset fell right on the horizon over the river. It was truly breathtaking. Sarah's eyes rests on the descending sun until she wandered off to dreamland.
It was still before dinnertime when I pulled into the driveway. I picked Sarah up and left her in her bed. "I'll let her sleep for an hour as I get dinner ready," I thought. Looking around the room, the room was slightly messy. We left to see the sunset earlier when I called her from her room, and I didn't realize she had somewhat made a mess with all her toys lying around. I began to pick up her toys when some unfamiliar toys caught my eyes. There was also the box she had before the adoption that was opened in the corner of the room, so I figured that those unfamiliar toys were from that box. I felt it was better for her to leave her past behind, so I told her to keep the box in her closet. I guess she opened it anyways. She seemed fine, though, so I didn't give it more thought.
Among the toys and stuff animals, however, I noticed this small jar with some money in it. The jar had a label on it that reads, "To Buy Love" written in red crayon. It appears to have about two bucks from the weight of quarters and dimes and nickels and pennies.
My heart sank. What could have made her think of making this jar? I couldn't think of anything, so I simply went over to Sarah and gave her a kiss on her forehead before I went downstairs to fix up dinner. While there was no question about me asking her about her jar, I felt really uneasy and dread the answer she may give. I stopped myself from overthinking and planned my meal course instead.
We started to head back home, and she was still looking at the sunset. The route back was along this river that leads out the city. The sunset fell right on the horizon over the river. It was truly breathtaking. Sarah's eyes rests on the descending sun until she wandered off to dreamland.
It was still before dinnertime when I pulled into the driveway. I picked Sarah up and left her in her bed. "I'll let her sleep for an hour as I get dinner ready," I thought. Looking around the room, the room was slightly messy. We left to see the sunset earlier when I called her from her room, and I didn't realize she had somewhat made a mess with all her toys lying around. I began to pick up her toys when some unfamiliar toys caught my eyes. There was also the box she had before the adoption that was opened in the corner of the room, so I figured that those unfamiliar toys were from that box. I felt it was better for her to leave her past behind, so I told her to keep the box in her closet. I guess she opened it anyways. She seemed fine, though, so I didn't give it more thought.
Among the toys and stuff animals, however, I noticed this small jar with some money in it. The jar had a label on it that reads, "To Buy Love" written in red crayon. It appears to have about two bucks from the weight of quarters and dimes and nickels and pennies.
My heart sank. What could have made her think of making this jar? I couldn't think of anything, so I simply went over to Sarah and gave her a kiss on her forehead before I went downstairs to fix up dinner. While there was no question about me asking her about her jar, I felt really uneasy and dread the answer she may give. I stopped myself from overthinking and planned my meal course instead.
new years!
Happy New Years Everyone!
Fyi, I didn't do anything today haha :) Woke up, nomnom'ed and did some chores, and that's about it. Kinda a boring New Years as usual, so nothing much to talk about.
Though what I wanted to talk about was that I finished FRIENDS last night. The perfect way to close 2012. Additionally, I watched a program about the closing of the ten seasons of FRIENDS on youtube, consisting a series of interviews of the actors.
One thing they talked about was their initial concern about being in acting and living a two sided life, one consisting of family and another just the roles on screen. What they all discovered was that FRIENDS had given them a new family on screen, and it was the best they could've asked for for a TV show.
It was quite unsettling to hear the casts talk about the end of such an amazing show. For one thing, I was listening to their real selves talking about the characters I know and love. Most of the casts had to absorb the fact that FRIENDS was ending (one episode left to go at the time of the interview), reflecting that they didn't want it to end then. The program went into the history of the show, mentioning the description / pitch of the series as:
Loved it.
Well, readers, I wish you can start and finish this amazing TV series. And before that...
Fyi, I didn't do anything today haha :) Woke up, nomnom'ed and did some chores, and that's about it. Kinda a boring New Years as usual, so nothing much to talk about.
Though what I wanted to talk about was that I finished FRIENDS last night. The perfect way to close 2012. Additionally, I watched a program about the closing of the ten seasons of FRIENDS on youtube, consisting a series of interviews of the actors.
One thing they talked about was their initial concern about being in acting and living a two sided life, one consisting of family and another just the roles on screen. What they all discovered was that FRIENDS had given them a new family on screen, and it was the best they could've asked for for a TV show.
It was quite unsettling to hear the casts talk about the end of such an amazing show. For one thing, I was listening to their real selves talking about the characters I know and love. Most of the casts had to absorb the fact that FRIENDS was ending (one episode left to go at the time of the interview), reflecting that they didn't want it to end then. The program went into the history of the show, mentioning the description / pitch of the series as:
It's about sex, love, relationships, careers, a time in your life when everything's possible. And it's about friendship because when you're single and in the city, your friends are your family.The casts heard that and just had to applaud for the directors and writers because yes, that was the beauty of the show.
Loved it.
Well, readers, I wish you can start and finish this amazing TV series. And before that...
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