dear future wife

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not yet the man I am supposed to be. I'm sorry I'm a foolish, stubborn, and sinful man.

I was lost. I still have a stubborn heart. I still need to renew my mind. I pray that you can forgive me taking so long.

I'm going through a season of pain and breaking that I'm struggling to hang on. The heartache, the tears, the guilt, the ugly cries on my bedroom floor every day, waking up 3+ times a night because my heart is hurting.....this had to happen. There will be times that I will want to ask God to take me. But please try not to worry. I'm going through worst heartache I've ever experienced, but it had to happen. Because I need to become the best person I can be for God, and for you. I do hope that you are not hurting like I am, that you know how to avoid things like I did not.

I'm sorry that I'm a stupid, stubborn, and blind person who needs to go through all this pain to grow. I'm sorry I have so many wrong roots I have to deal with first. Please forgive me. I'm sorry I have to go through all this pain to learn what it truly means to love unconditionally. I didn't deserve the love I had, so now I had to die so He can revive me.

Thank you for also being strong and fighting for our Father, too. Thank you for allowing our Father to shape you into the person you are supposed to be. Please continue to run closer and closer to Him, every day. Read His words, spend time with the Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit into your heart so He can always speak to you. Have Communion with Him. Reach out to godly people for guidance. Surround yourself with godly people so you are not alone in the race.

I'm sorry I'm not with you right now. My heart and mind are not ready yet, but I will get there. Because I know that God wants us to be together, and He will shape us until we are ready for each other. I know.

God knows my love for you. I'm trying not to feel lonely, and I hope you will be okay too. Focus on God, my love. Keep on running His race, and I will meet you on the tracks so we can run together, soon.

My love, please be strong for our Father. I'm trying to as well. God will join us in His time.

And I know that when it is time, being together will be hard. We will fight. We will argue. We will disagree. There will be times that I will be stupid again, I will be blind again, and I will not understand. I pray that you can be a bit patient with me so I can ask God to help me understand so I can do the right thing. So that we can bring any conflict to God together because we are a team, and it's us against the issues, not us against each other. But we will make it, because we have God.

I love you. I'll see you soon.