a letter to myself a year ago

Hey, it's the last day of 2013. If I remember correctly, you are on a mission to finish watching FRIENDS before the winter break ends. You did finish, I’ll have you know, with time to spare. 

A lot of things are going to happen in 2013, more than you can imagine. 

--

You will struggle at times with your relationship with your dad. It will come haunt you like it always has, and it will change both you and him. But you will get through it, and you will be ok. 

You will be able to meet up with an old friend to talk about life and the future. You will appreciate her in your life much much more, even though you barely talk to each other. But that doesn't really matter because you can pick it up wherever you have last left off. 

A beloved friend of yours will lose someone dear to him. It will happen so suddenly that it leaves you with a void that seems to freeze time itself. But he will be strong, and you will take that as a reality check, a reminder to testify to love whenever you can. 

You will slowly start to redefine "friends" and "perfectness." You will find out more friends have drifted from you, either because maybe they made better friends, or you were never really friends with them to begin with, and you are still trying to figure out what they thought of your friendships. But let them be redefined, because in a way it ends up doing you some good, so let it happen. Get past the confusion and hurt, you can do it. 

You will get a Surface Pro and it will carry you through work and classes more effectively than you had imagined (don't get too excited now!)

Waves of stressful anxiety with research labs will crowd your thoughts for some time, but you will get two internship interviews. You will nail both of them and get accepted to an amazing summer research internship and have a great time. It will also point you in a direction that suits your interest more than you know. And you will work your ass off for a number that you still dread its power over you, but you will keep going, whatever it takes.

You will also make something with your heart and hands that you thought you’re proud of, but it will become one of the worst mistakes you have ever made in your life. It will be you subconsciously trying to hold onto hope almost physically, but it will not only fail but you will also lose something that means terribly much to you. 

…but it’s okay, because you will learn from it… oh boy, do you learn from it. It will teach you what it really means to let go, to truly let go. Whatever you do, please...let the lesson change you for the better, and don’t let it bring you down. 

You will make a friend who will become your best friend, and please, you have to make sure that you don't let this one go, ever. I'm warning you, if you mess this up somehow I will build a time machine myself and come beat you up. 

An event is going to shake both you and the world like no other ever has. Someone sick in the heart will bring bombs to the Boston Marathon and hurt so many innocent people. It will hit home, literally, and again it will act as a reminder to show compassion to those around you. Let it speak. 

You’ll find yourself starting over, a new blog, that is, because you realize that something had changed you. You’ll ask yourself why it still bothers you, and if you miss anything. But you will realize that you don’t anymore, because you are no longer that person, and you can finally leave it all behind.

You will also learn that sometimes it is really hard to know how much something can hurt someone, and maybe, to an extent, if a lie can prevent someone hurting but hurts you some instead, think carefully before you do anything. I know you, you'd rather be truthful, but maybe sometimes it is better to lie if the lie will only hurt you, and all you have to do then is to slowly heal from it. 

You are going to get an apartment for the first time, with a sick monitor setup in the living room, and you will have the chance to learn the arts of cooking. You will love it, I tell you, so let the interest live on, and don't be lazy now! 

You will also go to your first concert, and it’s Yellowcard ‘s Ocean Avenue Acoustic Tour, too. It will change your life, and you will love them even more. Not only that but you will also meet your pen pal from England. Maybe it is the best time to meet and talk, but made it will make the experience so much more worth it.

It might not be clear or easy to tell, but you still make a few very good friends, friends who--I believe--keep you in their thoughts from time to time, and to a very large extent, they will keep you going. Their short company, small talks, and the little thoughts…they all count, more than you realize.

You will find confusion, a lot of it, because you struggle to be yourself or not. You won’t be able to decide whether you want to fight for hope, because you don’t know if it’s worth the fight. You will end up giving up because you will break again, but not as bad this time, maybe because you will convince yourself that you don’t have much to lose.

Heh, and with a little luck (and impulse, really), you are able to play Pokemon again, and bring back a childhood joy that you never thought you could experience again. 

All the most important part is...you will slowly learn how to live with the scars, and how to make peace with them. It was never your fault, and you don't have to get rid of them. They can stay in the box, and you don't have to face them again because you are not the same person anymore. You are better and stronger, and all you have to do now is carry on. 

...you will also learn that hope can sometimes bring you down, so you have to choose the right kind of hope to keep going. 

2013 will be hell of a roller coaster ride, my friend, but you will survive and learn so much. 

Carry on, my friend, and always testify. 

mellow night reflection

I'm starting this post without a title because, well, I don't know what it should be, yet. I'll put up something when I come up with something...suitable.

I woke up rather...late today. Around 11 am, when a friend texted me saying he'll be going to the class--a review session--for questions. Yea, the class starts at 11:15 and I wanted to shower. Naturally, I chose not to go. I got up around 11:30 and showered, grabbed food around 12:30, came back, packed, and went out to study with a friend...for an exam that night.

I'l just say that it did not turn out as well as I thought it could/should/I wanted. Whatever, I guess I'll just lower my standards a bit :(

Afterwards, came back with a rather unpleasant mood but decided that I should get some wings to enjoy the rest of the night.

That was most of my day and night. Although that's not why I really want to write tonight. Yea it's almost 2 am again and I, like always, should be sleeping. But since that never happens, and that I wanna talk about a few things, I'm here. I guess I'll try to keep it short, just like life...wait no life's the longest damn thing there is. Never mind, you get the point.

I was talking to a pen pal today, just catching up and such. The topic of the future and just the idea of right and wrong--as in whether you are making the right choices in life--came up.

I don't know if anyone remembered, but my theory of...how things work, in a sense, is a "cycle" of the good and the bad. As in, when something bad happens, I believe that something good will come along to compensate that, in the future, hopefully near and apparent. Yet, I also believe the vice versa happens.

The talk made me think of how I used to make decisions, and, to an extent, how it has changed over the years. I feel like before, I just say and do what others want to hear / told me to do. I did so because I believed that was how I can make friends: to make people like me because I'm agreeable.

That was honestly a really poor way of making friends because technically, I didn't exist. I was a sum of what my friends are and want. I was like a chameleon.

Now? I do what I want. Lol.

D, it'll be ok. Everything will be ok. Don't worry too much, as that is not how one lives life.

On another note,shout up to C for being the bestest person ever. Sad how I never knew you earlier D: You are like, the best.

-----

Found this on tumblr earlier. Thought I'd share.

Sad Songs 

Once there was a boy who couldn't speak but owned a music box which held every song in all the world. One day he met a girl who had never heard a single melody in her entire life and so he decided to play her his favorite song. He watched while her face lit up with wonder as the music filled the sky and the poetry of lyrics moved her in a way she had never felt before.  

He would play his songs for her day after day and she would sit by him quietly-never seeming to mind that he could only speak to her through song. She loved everything he played for her, but of them all-she loved the sad songs best. So he began to play them more and more until eventually, sad songs were all she heard.  

One day, he noticed that it had been a very long time since her last smile. When he asked her why, she took both his hands in hers and kissed them warmly. she thanked him for gift of music and poetry but above all else--for showing her sadness because she had known neither of these things before him. But it was not time for her to go away--to find someone who could show her what happiness was.  

Do you remember the song that was playing the night we met?  

No, but I remember every song I have heard since you left.  

- Lang Leav

G'night guys :)

the blind me

I visited a...good friend at her college last year. I got out of school tad bit earlier than she would, we talked and the idea came up, so I decided to visit.

At the time, I just went with the fact that she was really busy during finals week, and I helped out with some of her art projects when she needed help...I know she'll be busy, and for some reason I didn't really think it'd be that much of a deal. I mean, I was fine with it because I haven't seen her in a while, and I wanna meet all these amazing people she said she's met. That was my only intention. I helped out as much as I could/was allowed.

In retrospect, I think aside from the fact that she was busy, I think she didn't really wanted me to visit. What I mean is, even though she brought it up, she didn't really wanted me to visit, and I think it had less to do with finals and more to do with me.

Yea and I obviously didn't realize that then. If I did, I wouldn't have gone, despite that I did want to see her.

Well, I hope everything turned out alright for her.

Welp. Rant over.

TBIs

We talked about TBIs in my intro physiology class last Thursday. Professor Goodenough (what a name, eh?) focused on how the brain can get damaged: hitting the back damages the pre-frontal, and hitting the front recoils the brain backwards, and etc.

Talking about this TBI stuff reminded me how when I was a kid I was holding onto a railing and I fell backwards and slammed the back of my head on the concrete underneath the railing.

It hurt at first but didn't last long. I hope that incident didn't have any lasting effects o.o

definition

I've been thinking a lot about how I used to define my friends, and I realized that there's almost an algorithm that I follow. It goes something like this:

If I plan something, who comes to mind first, second, etc? Yea this depends on what the activity is but basically it's a priority thing. Vice versa, if a friend plans something, would I come to mind first, second, etc, or not at all? The second question here doesn't seem fair, but yet true to an extent. The thing is everyone has an older friend, a closer friend, and for some reason I wanna be that person, like all the time. I was pretty selfish, eh?

Another thought process is similar, as it has to do with someone to chat/talk. That is, if something happened that I wanted to share, or just to bug because friends do that, who would I text? A better question, who would be willing to do that and knows that I am doing so because I value that friendship this much? And vice versa, once again, would anyone text me just because they wanted to tell me something that happened in their life? I can only think of a handful, maybe four people, who do that.

I finished The Fault in Our Stars and The Time Keeper just this week, and they reminded me of how I used to define my friends. I'm not really saying that I have changed these ways, because I don't think I have changed much. I am now saying that I want to. Yes, it may make sense to want friends who do these things, who like to share their life with you and not just someone to say hi to; who would think of you when they wanna go see a movie or grab a bite; who want your opinion on a movie, a person, or that outfit; who want your advice on something even if they probably won't listen to you and you know that, but they ask anyway; who let you know of the great books or places they just read/went to because they want to share those also.

These are the little things that I wished and looked for, and from experience that's much too high of an expectation for the most part. Sometimes, these expectations fell short, I started to hate myself because I thought I must be the reason, that I'm boring and annoying or something.

But why am I even asking them for anything? That defeats the purpose of those friendships, doesn't it? All those things should come from both sides naturally and mutually. Ha, even that's too much to ask, now that I just heard myself speak. I'm sorry, it's getting sad to hear all this because everything still sounds selfish as hell, because it sounds like I'm both not acknowledging the fact that my friends have other (closer) friends and yet acknowledging them but very jealous of them.

But I digress.

I wanted to say that from now on, I will try my best to not notice these things, to just appreciate what I have, and try to strengthen them. The last thing I wanna do is to lose these bonds that I didn't before I came here. Even though sometimes I really feel like I'm trying too hard and I just want to say, "screw it, I'm better off by myself," and even though I may feel that again, I will try to put off those thoughts and think of the times when I was part of something.

Because, to be honest, I really do have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and yet I was asking for more.

Who I am hates who I've been

I love you all, you know who you are <3


Rant over.

restlessness

I apologize in advance, but this might get depressing.

Watched Session 9 with a few friends last night on Halloween. It was the most Halloween-y thing I have done in a little while, and it was pretty creepy, though I've seen it like, roughly a decade ago. Psychological thrillers are always pretty good.

It probably doesn't really have to do with the time of year or anything, or the movie. But I didn't sleep well.

I fell in and out of sleep a few times. As a result, I had a few different dreams, and unfortunately, if had more than the few I am about to mention, I only remember these. I think it's clear as to why.

--

The first one was pretty random, but maybe because I went to sleep in a semi-good mood. But I remember I was hanging with out with you and having a good time before I stole a kiss from you. For some reason, your lips were like lava; they were burning, and I woke up from how much it burned me in the dream.

The next dream that came to me was my brain trying to figure out a way to tell you how I feel. It came up with this stupid idea of calling you and doing it on the phone, and it ended up poorly. By poorly I mean I 150% fucked it up, and my brain resorted to apologies. It over-thought the process, trying to making everything flow better, and everything turned out like shit. Hours of planning turned into weeks of regret, maybe more. That idea stuck and woke me up.

At this point (like I said, I might have had other dreams, or that those dreams simply lasted a long time, or with other details that I can't recall), it's early--maybe about 6 am. I didn't check the time because I know that would not be a smart idea. Even though I got really scared from the thought of the second dream, I tried to fall back asleep.

This time, the dream...was what I feared the most. It's not even ironic how my brain decided to do this on/after Halloween.

I dreamed about her coming back to me because her relationship didn't work out in the end. I don't remember if she appeared clingy or not, but she came back. I knew instantly that she remembered that she had me as a rebound before and wanted me in her life again.

I told her I can't do this anymore, to let history repeat. I can't just let her use me again.

I don't think I've ever felt so disgusted and hurt by anyone.

I woke up soon after, just...hurt. I couldn't fall back to sleep.

I hate it when she comes back into my dreams. I never sleep well.

If you see me today, I apologize for any lack of interests. I won't be having a good day. Sadness hasn't stuck me this hard in a long time.

I'm glad my schedule today means I won't be seeing many people today, at least.

schoolgirl

You said he made you feel like a school girl.

You know, I never actually knew what you meant by that. Maybe it was the way you said it. Maybe I was thinking too much. Was it just him? Or was it more of you?

How did I make you feel? Do I really care at this moment? We don't even talk anymore. What did I get from you last time, my name in all caps and nothing after? What did that mean? What were you trying to do? Were you even trying to do anything?

I think I know what you meant now.

I think I can say, this time, that it's not too late to know. Not to save what we had because it wasn't anything to you, but now I know the truth for myself.

You know, I think it might be time to open up that box and read those....letters  from you. It's probably the only closure I'd ever have.

I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something 

your story

(It took me a while but I finally found the old post I wanted to link)

Do you have a story to tell? Or rather, do you realize you have a story to tell? I remember back in the day when I said something like I feel like my life wasn't worth telling. While I did say that, look at this blog; it's all my story. Maybe it's dull to some people, but this is my life. When I look back on it, it pulls my heart strings; it gives me laughter; it sends chills through my spine; it sometimes breaks my heart to see what I went through yet glad that I did; it reminds me of the busy school days or the days that I just did nothing; it reminds me of all the great people in my life, even though they're always on my mind anyways.

It's a book with bookmarks on every page.

We had to watch a video about the Main Wabanaki-State Child Welfare Truth and Reconciliation for my Indigenous Peoples class. It talked about how the Native Indian children were taken away from their native homes by the whites because white people had this theory that those kids would be "better off" when raised by white people. Conditions ended being abusive in all ways possible, and the few who lived and are willing to share their experiences tell of the stories of the lost of humanity in a history that cannot be undone. They aimed to tell everyone their stories in hopes that it will strengthen and sooth future culture clashes, and may that history never happen again. (If you're interested in the video, here it is.)

Keeping your story is not going to help with healing.

My...friend once said this to me:

The word, to strong, so ruthless, so unforgiving. So powerful, and so weak. To think that all we know can be conveyed in words, mere shaped vibrations. So useless, so worthless. How ignorant, to think that we can better understand these symbols, than the true meaning itself. Can we not understand each other by the expressions on our faces? Can we not comprehend the looks in our eyes? Must we use such words to sum up our feelings? Surely words, however eloquent, cannot truly convey the speaker’s thoughts. Can we not look at each other, and instantly understand what the other is thinking, without the need for an explanation? “I didn't mean to say that” “that came out wrong” “I shouldn't have said that” I have a note for the perfectionists and the speakers: I didn't mean to say anything, that always came out wrong, that was never meant to be said. Can I not convey my feelings with my eyes? Will they not understand? “You know when…” “You don’t have to explain” “I know what you mean” “same as me” “all the time” Are we the only ones who say this? No. I can answer that question. No. Are we the only ones who truly mean it? That, I cannot. No words. Just a picture. Just a feeling. Just a connection. Just? Only? In our world. This strange connection. No words. Just a look, just a feeling, just a picture, just a song. Just look into our eyes. Just glance at our expressions. Just look long enough to notice the twitch in our faces. And yet I am conveying this all in words. There is no other way. We can do without. They will look at us and not know what we’re thinking. They need the words. They need these words to understand this. They do not need to know us. They only need to know our words. Our brows are our thoughts. Our lips are our tone of voice. Our expressions are our feelings. Our eyes are our words.

This kinda relates to the closeness that D was talking about. It's simple; I...no longer have such a friend around me. I put words down because it's my only way of conveying my feelings. I no longer have someone to tell my story to face to face.

This is why I write. I tell to heal.

This is why I give free hugs, because sometimes people don't know how to tell, or they don't have someone to tell their stories to. And sometimes, a hug is enough to make them feel better, a hug that says that someone cares. 

--

C, I know for certain that I'm over everything. I also realize that I haven't seen you in almost two years. You know, I don't know what will happen if I do see you. Idk what string would be tugged, what won't. I don't know if I can look you in the eye and say what I wanted to say. I mean, I don't even have the courage to open that box. And yet, I still have it on me, keeping all that love with me. But...when I do see you, what do I have to say? I don't even know what to say. There's...nothing left to be said. You'd shown me, and that was clearer than words, and I had shown myself how much of a fool I was. 

Maybe...it won't be hard, and I'm just making it harder because, well, I overthink things. 

Sorry, just had to put that down on paper. 

---

I think I'm gonna head off soon. Been sleeping too late zz I'll do brighter posts tomorrow/next time I post >.> Sorry peeps. 

right now

This is me, right now. 

He looked at her in a way he had never looked before. He looked at her in a way he had never looked at anyone before. He saw her; truly saw her. Saw her for everything she was and is and would someday be. He realized then that he loved her; he loved her like the world was beginning and ending all at once. But he could never have her. It was too late, all too late. In a brilliant and agonizing second his heart filled with the most inexplicable joy and then burst into a thousand pieces, filling his chest with the piercing shrapnel of a broken heart

I don't know what to do. 

post-april fools and the hunger games

Soooo, I think I can safely post what I'm about to post here...and that is that I have changed my birthday on Facebook to today! Sorry for those who went along with it, but like it's for entertainment purposes and I just want to see who I can fool ;)
Anyways, how did my weekend go...


Oh, I just realized that I already blogged about my Friday night. Oh we'll, I shall continue my weekend then.


Saturday, I did absolutely nothing. Well, by nothing I mean all I did was play Ocarina of Time. Yes, I think its worth it and all, but I was just left with the awful feeling of having not done anything. Woke up at 10, couldn't fall back to sleep after getting like only 7 hours of sleep on a weekend, played Zelda, lunch, played more Zelda, dinner then  movies until like 1am... yea, my Saturday was greatly non-productive, alright. BUT. I got to see The Hunger Games. Honestly, it was an amazing movie. I'm actually really glad that I didn't just give up after the bus pretty much decided not to come pick us up at the bus stop. The bus is always late =/


Just a heads up, this post...is really long. 


I feel like talking about the movie for a little.


***** SPOILER ALERT. DO NOT READ IF YOU DON'T WANT SPOILERS. GO AWAY NAO WHEN YOU STILL CAN. *****


I think the theme of how they have to do the games to remember the rebellion...is silly. I'm pretty sure people would agree, but this is totally a punishment of the past and the Capitol's way of keeping the districts under control and continue their reign. This is at least what I got from the movie since I haven't read the book yet, but I shall very soon and will continue the series. However, though, I agree that it has to tie into life and death to make the theme worthy enough for a "game," otherwise it'd just be absurdly stupid. Since that's the story, and everything with that as a result, it is a very good and strong movie. The actors did absolutely amazing jobs at their roles. Yes, even Rue, for those racist haters out there. She was so prefect for the role, you ignorant readers.


The Capitol...portrayed extremely extravagant and unnecessarily wealthy, I guess all just serves to clarify and reinforce the gap between them and the districts. (Damn I can feel myself wanting the read the book more and more as I talk about the movie xD) Their exaggerated insensitivity kinda annoyed me with all the games, but what can I say, I can totally imagine such an entity. I mean, what to talk about them other than how rich and most of the time annoying they are? And that TV show? I'm a bit sick of that, to be honest.

Why am I anxious to jump to Peeta and Katniss? Because they're awesome? Haha well honestly Katniss is absolutely amazing, too skilled , I say. And you know, idk, when I saw them trying to work together almost at the games, there was so much tension. So much that it was too unnatural and undesired. I also find it annoying how I couldn't feel much emotions from everyone else other than Peeta, Katniss, and Rue...and well, I guess little bits from a few others but that's about it; the others are all about killing and just disgusts me. 


OK NOW. I guess I was a bit surprised when Peeta just announced it at the show. Just like that. It was very heart-felt indeed, so I guess it was fine. Katniss got so upset I almost went hey give him a break he knows he has no chance, you or the games. The story progressed with some twists (I was so out-of-this-world depressed when Rue died...) Then there were the two climaxes for me: when they announced that there could be two winners (I WAS SO HAPPY) and afterwards when they heard the disqualifying bang, when Katniss ran to find Peeta. Honestly, that scene was more or less engraved into my mind. 


I guess that's it for the movie...I can definitely talk more about it but I think I should do so after I finish the book. Can't wait to read the other books in the series :) 

----

Yea...so I don't know why my heart's pumping so hard right now. Well actually I do; it pumps and jumps like that when there's stuff on my mind. Like a decent number of things, or when I'm feeling alone, or when I feel like I've lost people in my life (which honestly feels like that recently). I guess I surprised myself when I actually was able to concentrate on my lab report earlier today since my heart has been doing this all day. 


I don't care about how much it costs now, I'm gonna get a free hugs t-shirt. I said I will do he campaign but still haven't and I'm really annoyed at myself for that. 


I don't really feel like doing work anymore. I think I want to go take a walk, for like an hour at least. Those late night walks that I haven't done in a while. 


Why isn't it 100 out and pouring? 


It'll be ok. 

hell week followed by hell weekend

Honestly, today would have been a good day, like a solid, productive day where I feel confident about myself and how I did on the two exams today. Still, they're fine. Went to a friend's birthday party and had my first shot (whiskey apparently) . It was fine and all, totally had one and a half shot for the first-timer. I didn't feel anything either, so it was just meh. It was fun though, since they all made a fuzz about my first shot xD 


I don't plan on drinking a lot, ever. So no worries, people. 


And then I came back to find that I got a terrible grade on a portion of a biochem lab report that we as a group wrote during the hell week with three exams. This was just perfect, wasn't it. 


Maybe it was the party, I don't know, but something, combined with the bad news on that grade, I all of a sudden was in an extremely bad mood, a mix of upset and sentimental and want to just close myself off from the world. I then went on tumblr and just reposted everything I found that were relatable. All of a sudden, I was a mess. Yea, my roommate's with me, a few of my friends dropped by for a bit and such, and I was fine, but I wasn't. But again, it's what usually happens anyways 'cause I don't show it. No one understands so it's fine. 


Either case though, I need to mention that I finally got a letter from one of my penpals <3 


Anyways. I think I'm only able to stay up this late today because I took the 2 hours nap earlier. But now...after all that spam from tumblr and stuff, my mind and heart are numb and I want to rest. I should just head off. 


g'night, fellow internet people. 

will you?

I figured out what the problem is. The reason why I get sad so easily. And this is why.


I envy people, I want to be just like other people, because they always seem to have things I don't have, people I don't know, people who love them. I see the best in other and the worst in me, what I don't have, what I want. I can never seem to see what I do have. I can never be happy because I can never be like other people. That just sounds so wrong. Oh God, how much do I actually envy...the people they are, the friendship they have, they're everything that one cannot ask for, no matter how much one wants it. It simply does not work. I have denied this fact for so long, but now I'm trying to just lay it all out. I'm jealous of the friendship among my friends, because I always feel that I will never have those kinds of friendship. Whenever I see people, see my friends interact with each other, this whole thing comes around and stabs me in the heart again, and I don't even realize it. 


Don't you see? The thing is that I do have amazing friends. This is exactly the reason why I feel like this because they're so amazing and beautiful and loving and easy to get along that I have never felt so....detached from them. It is because that I love them so much. I can't be more grateful for them being there, and yet it always seems like it's so easy for them to walk out of my life. What do I do? I mean, what can I do, I'm just a friend.  


The funny thing is I figured this out in church today. 


I want to lie on the grass at night, in the pouring rain, and just sing. 


It hurts, to realize this now. 


I mean, even if I know someone who's going through this, and the person wrote this, and somehow I magically finds this. Will I even do something? Will anyone even do anything if someone finds out how someone is living his/her life, in something like this? What will you do? What can you do? I totally feel like I'm shouting right now. 


Personally, I would go up to them and just hug the living crap out of them, until they realize why I'm hugging them, that they know that through my hug, I care and want to do anything I can do make them feel like they're worth every little thing they've ever done and thought and everything to come. 


I want to go to a Hillsong United concert. 

finally a new post

So yea, I literally opened a new blank post three times (this being the fourth) and never wrote anything. Ended up just closing the window because other things got in the way. Finally it's now FRIDAY and I have time (and the reason to procrastinate more) to write something. Finally! 


First thing's first, I've been sleeping too late (like 2-3am late) and as a result I woke up late to my first class today, casually killing my alarm as it "wakes" me up. I didn't miss any clickers so that was fortunate. Then I proceeded to become rather tired as the day went on, and now I'm back in my dorm, typing up this post at 2:50pm. 


Alright, I guess a few things to say before I go take a nap myself. I've been busy, as anyone who've been reading my posts, with labs and lab and labs. Some exams here and there, but most of the time just lab work and reports and all. Very lovely stuff. That was irony, just saying. 


Oh, someone blogged about whether she should delete her blog and start anew and some stuff along that line. I kinda did that too, didn't I...well mine was more of a transition to a different blogger, so that doesn't really count. But now I think of it, I probably shouldn't have saved all those old posts all here by importing. Anyways, I commented saying that she shouldn't delete, because I really think that blogging is a healthy habit. 


Speaking of that, there's something I need to mention. I've recently "sorta" tried to get to know someone, and then this whole history came crashing onto me. That feeling of being lied to. Of not actually being loved. And then everything went away. The desire to try and anything along that line went away. 


And that's that. 


I'm just not over that feeling of hurt, I guess. 


Anyways. Enjoy this absolute amazing gif I found online: 

Also, today is Eli's birthday! Happy Oh So Lovely Birthday to you!!! Miss you lots <3<3


Alright, gonna take my nap now. Might post more later. Peace guys :) 

old texts

*About me moving to a different town*

Me: Well, it feels like going away. 

You: You're not going that far away.

I don't know what got me to look at those old texts. Maybe I was just cleaning out some stacked message threads; maybe I was just scrolling all the way to the bottom and saw people that only I start to text; maybe it was because of the names; maybe because I should have deleted those a while ago. 


Yes, it is far away. Even though it's only about 2-3 miles away from my old town, now I never really leave the house unless I have a car. Do you know what that means? It means that when it gets too quiet, and the silence too loud, my heart will decide that it misses everyone. 


And having a car is actually a decently rare occasion. 


That means that I usually just stay home and, unfortunately, be antisocial. Of course, I try to hang out with people, but now that I live an inconvenient distance from everything (literally everything and everywhere), hanging out is farther down the drain than I wanted it to be. 

from imgfave

You know, it's not just your text. There are so many others in which conversations began because of me, and it stacks from my side for a few in a row until there's a reply. Or, it'd be a few weeks before the friend says "hi." 

I don't know, why do I try? 


*sigh* All of this past and memory thing are coming back to annoy me again. =/ So tired. 


I want a dog. 


LoL, some reading and homework, maybe pingpong, then bed. Peace. 

redo

I recently read a post by someone I follow, and it made me realize that I should perhaps try to restart the friendship anew. The past is in the past, and a new friendship is the better ending than two people ending on bad terms. So I have decided that I will, next time I see her, rebuild that friendship and start anew, redo what we enjoyed doing, discuss all that we did before. Maybe spring break, maybe summer, but I will make this happen. 


Heading back to school tomorrow afternoon ish! :) 

in case

from wallbase.cc

I really should jump on Everything is Illuminated; I saw the movie (again), and after reminding myself of a few scenes, I realized that I will not burn those letters. In fact, maybe I will bury them, by the river (heh, only half-a-handful of ppl know about that place too, oh well) 


But I will bury them, or keep them somewhere. In case, you know, someone comes looking for them. 


I mean, it's not gonna come back without feelings. It's not because I want people to come find them either, but simply-in case. 


******


I don't know why, but looking at her picture again gave me a realization. That is, I think I'm just in love with love. Maybe...that I was in love with how she "loved" me. That's why I'm afraid to love again because I don't want that to happen again. 

what is it, is it destiny?

So. A little background. A certain someone made me a can tab bracelet sometime ago. Something happened and, well, let's just say our friendship is not the same anymore. Now that bracelet is locked away with everything else. 


A little after that whole kit and kaboodle, I made a friend a can tab bracelet also. Not long after that it became really evident that my friend is constantly annoying me. I chose to grow apart. 


Ohhhh the curse of the bracelet. 

hah.

I just remembered how you said not to wait for you. When it all happened. Ha, that was so damn clear, wasn't it. I was nothing to you, and there's nothing for you to get over. 


It's even clearer now. Sorry, but if you felt that way, this definitely wouldn't have worked. I don't even know how we got close. 


It'll be lucky (for you) if we're still friends as I don't know where we stand. But w/e, this is no longer important. 


Farewell. 

a new year it is

Honest to say, 2011 wasn't an enjoyable year. For me, it was a lot of doubts, hardships heartaches, stuff like that. Yes, there were some good and enjoyable parts, but none of those were actually happiness. They weren't true happiness. They were enough just to get by.
A lot of it was me trying to heal. Always fun.


But all of this is just a reflection.
That's it for now. I would've stayed in Boston for the fireworks and such if only I hadn't been there for the entire day already and spent >$70... There goes my budget for the vacation. x(


Heading off now, oyasumi.


-hug-

all nighters

....LAN parties, and 6am breakfasts. Haven't done this in a while x) Kinda not healthy, but that's why the rarity. I also realized two things. 
One: still haven't finalized my build for Wukong. 
Two: All-nighters make you feel like you're floating in water. 


All and all, the party was fun. LoL, watched My Little Ponies for an hour (honestly don't know why but it was great), some Terreria, some played Pandemic, and then we went for breakfast at Franny's around 6am. 


Parents were a bit hesitant since I didn't tell them that it was an all-nighter, but then again, if only I knew also...


And my dad wasn't feeling well so my mom brought him to the hospital for tests. He's gonna stay overnight for observation. He should be fine. He exaggerates a lot, but just in case, ya know. He's just too tired and stressed. 


Pushing back my Boston plan till Saturday. Oh well. 


--


On another note, I got another pen pal! And another follower! *happyface* 


I think I'm gonna make a Yellowcard image for tumblr or something. Probably will do that tmw. 


A little Skyrim and calling it a night. Oyasumi. 


-l.h-