why do we get to choose?

As I was falling asleep last night, a thought came to me that I wanted to just touch upon, so I grabbed my phone and jot it down before I called it a night.

--

Everyone has that one person who they wish would love them, and that one person's love immeasurably towers over everyone else's love at times, or maybe all the time. For some reason, that one person's love is the one that matters, and when the possibility of their love being present arises, other people's importance seems to fall out of equation quite easily.

Why do we get to choose who loves us? You can't just diminish everyone's care and love for you just because that one person doesn't reciprocate. I know that this is not always the case, but I've seen a few of my friends do this and it's just not the right thing to do.

I guess what I'm saying is that I think love is hard enough to come by, don't be picky about who loves you, but be glad that someone does. It'll only make you miserable.
--

On another note, I have deleted my blogger link from facebook. Not exactly sure why I did that, but it was kinda an impulse from the feeling that facebook contrasts tumblr and blogger too much.

That is all.

heavy rain with a chance of freedom

On this last week before spring break, two exams stand between me and freedom. One's tomorrow, psych, and biochem is on Wed. Psych is just memorization and judging from the practice exam, I'll be fine. Biochem, on the other hand, needs a lot more studying -___-

Also, I've been getting a few new followers on tumblr. Honestly this is like the best thing ever. I'm so excited for my new followers and if one of you is reading this, you are awesome! :D

Housing next year is more or less solid. Got four roommates, got our appointments requested, and we're just waiting for roommate-formation date. There's also a chance that we'll chip in (or someone will just get the money) for a hedgehog. Yea it's not allowed in the apartment, but I'll sneak him in if I can :3 I'm sorry I just want a pet of some sorts. I want pets, damnit!

I was finally able to write back to a pen pal about two days ago, but I still have to run to the post office to mail it. That means it'll have to be on Thurs instead, if I have time. If not, I'll have to mail it after I go home. Ughhh, I feel terrible for the late reply. :(

When I get back, I'm definitely bringing up my guitar. Oh gawd do I regret not bringing it up this semester >.> Can't believe I thought I would be ok with it q.q

---------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty sure you know, that I always want to talk to you. But you see, I know that you're very busy. Or, rather, you want to be busy, in a way. Yea, I know you pretty well, and even so I still use my "standards" to analyze your response, or lack of. I'm not sure why I still do that because that just doesn't work and it only makes me sad.

I know you cannot possibly wait for spring break, because this one in particular is a dream come true. I'm so happy and excited for you, and I wish you the bestest break ever. And I guess what I'm saying is that I just hope you didn't unfollow me on purpose and that you didn't reply to my texts because you feel obligated to do so. I haven't seen you in a while, and all I wanted to do was to say hi and see how you're doing, and to wish you a good week and to get enough rest so I can always see that stunning smile of yours.

Yea, I do miss you, but that's normal, heh I bet you know that anyway. I won't really do anything to show that I used to wish that you miss me too, but I don't anymore. Yea, whenever I get a text I still hope it's you, but I know 99% of the time it won't be. I know it'll take me a little longer to no longer wish that anymore, but I'll get there.

I guess that's enough on this topic. Maybe the next time I see you, if the time works out, I'll hug the crap outta you :3

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently it's gonna pour tomorrow, around noon ish, for about 5 hours. Oh man I've been waiting for the rain for like weeks. If it's still there after my work shift, and if I have time, I'll go feel the rain.

Alright it's almost 12:30, I think I'll watch a little of Up and then shower then bed. Exam at 9:30 in the morning!

Oyasumi, readers.

just listen

Sorry fora near-week break from blogging. Not sure why I just didn't blog for a little bit. I was busy at times but wasn't overwhelmed. I mean, I posted after my hell week too. Oh well haha, probably just didn't have enough things to talk about.

Alright, first thing's first. Status on getting a Surface Pro. There's a damn good chance I won't be getting that anytime soon, for several reasons.

1. I just...don't really have the money. Plus the fact that there's that one week delay in my paycheck and I think it's more or less screwing with my saving plans. 
2. Even when I do save up enough for it, one purchase will basically turn me homeless, wallet-wise. I mean I could get BestBuy's cc and do a monthly payment method, but do I really need another card? 
3. This reason is actually real (I didn't want to admit it before but I should). Basically, I've gotten into a habit (I guess it's a habit now) of getting wings like once every week or two. They don't cost that much, but at this rate it'll simply take me an eternity to save up. 

Damnit it's almost 2am again. Ok I'll just write something else real quick and then head off. 

Another note: I got some whiskey from a friend, called Fireball. Delicious, haha. 

Over the past few weeks, after every Tues and Thurs shift, I basically have to grab dinner by myself because I get out at 8pm and no one eats that late (people either eat early or mad late). So I've been more or less eating alone on those days. 

It all reminded me how I enjoy eating alone. How I enjoy being by myself. I love walking by myself. I love reading by myself. I love solitude, because I can get to know myself, clear my head,  and understand my thoughts better. Sometimes, just listening to the background noise of life is soothing to the soul. 

While all that is great, there are so many things I miss about people. I miss so many people, people I haven't seen in years, months, days, sometimes hours. Maybe I do get tired of my own soul when I begin to miss people. The thing is, having company is simply a magical thing. 

Yea so I'm just saying that I miss people. >.>

And yes, I tend to want to hug the crap out of people. No shame. 

I should get on writing and sending a letter as well. Damnit Tim get your shit together zz 

On yet another side note, I've actually been very psyched about making friends on tumblr. They have been making my week all week long :3 

But yea, heading off. 

lit

Just made a tumblr post about imagining a puppy or a dog jumping onto my bed and snuggle beside me as I begin to blog.

Ohhhh man I want a dog :(

Woke up tired.

Understood most of my PChem and (surprisingly) biochem lectures.

Had a career fair irrelevant to my major.

Productive study time in the library.

Bruised my thumb from sliding open buttons on my jacket.

Went to tutor for PChem and came back just as confused.

A friend asked me today about my blog posts.

Found Umass Compliments.

Parents advised me to find monthly-payment options for Surface Pro.

------------once again blogging in my friend's room because my roommate's asleep------------

You know, I think I didn't expect the topic to come up. But then again I don't really expect anything usually anyways. Was it a pleasant surprise? I guess so. This was the first time someone talked about what I post.

Maybe I do sound depressed, I don't know. but then again it's something I feel like I've lived with for so long that I don't even consider it "depression" anymore. The thing is, just as what John Green said, " pain...it demands to be felt." You said the sadness I feel isn't normal sadness. Maybe that's right, maybe it means that it's been there for too long and it's turned into a different kind of sadness. Maybe it's something that I keep trying to ignore and learn from but it turned into something else. I don't know. I really don't know.

Maybe I post more about things that upset me than about joyful events. I should try to do more happy posts.

I want to apologize if I made you worried, because that's definitely the last thing I'd do. Thank you, though, for bringing it up. Maybe I'll go talk to someone, but I guess I'll try my best to be more optimistic before to see if it works. Being and talking (not necessarily sharing) to friends already help, and you definitely do.

I really really hope that I do the same for you too, 'cause you know I would not hesitate in the slightest.

I think I just need more fun in my life, and by that I don't mean the occasional video games or movies. I want to have fun with friends, with you. That's what matters. Even if I just hang out with people and do nothing, it's better than antisocial.

You know, I just realized something as I'm writing this. I think I've been, to a degree, afraid to surround myself with friends because I have been blatantly ignored in a group before, and it used to happen quite often. I used to be  more talkative than I am now, but after a few years of ignorance, I more or less stopped offering my thoughts because I was simply told that no one cares about my presence. I told you about my homeschooling years and while I told myself that shouldn't have affected my social skills--I think they still did. Maybe I'm trying to undo that and have only been slightly successful.

All I ever wanted was some close friends with mental and emotional bonds. By that I mean I can feel free to text them about something funny I saw, made my day, bothering me, or just a hi, just because I want to talk to them and share what's on my mind. I don't even care if they judge, as long as they'll always be there and be supportive as friends. And I just want to be one of them, to them, as well.

Maybe that's too much to ask for, and maybe I'll never know.

Yea. If someone asked me about my life, I'd spill. Easily. Just because someone asked.

Ok the post is getting too long. I guess that's it for now.

Thanks again . If I see you tmw I'll give you a really big hug >.<

long night

This will probably be one of my longest nights ever.

The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming.

Absolute lack of motivation is sickening.

But at the same time, I know she's in good hands too, so I guess I shouldn't be to worried.

Drowning myself in Hillsong and Chris Tomlin for the night, if I do go to sleep.

back to real blog posts

I feel like I haven't really really blogged in a while. Actually, as I am writing this I'm suddenly feeling quite lonely, not sure why. But anyways, I'm blogging as I watch theRadBrad's walkthrough on Silent Hill 3. I have the Win7 split screen going on here.

Deep breath, deep breath.

Ok, first thing's first. My new roommate. Or should I say, my non-existent new roommate.

It's been almost a week and he still hasn't showed up. I think by today his appointment got cancelled, but today is also the beginning of the room swapping period. This lasts for a week, therefore by next Thursday, I think it's safe to say that we'll have a double if no one moves in!!

I can't find the closet to put my extra bed frames after I unlofted my bed. Apparently it's somewhere in the basement but I can't find it. I was also told that I could open the closet with my dorm key (I do not understand why they would do that if it's true), but I tried all the doors (yes, like a creepy person) and was unsuccessful. -_____-

Oh yea, lab. I may not appear to be too occupied by this, but honestly I'm stressed out of my mind because of this lab thing. I'm taking 12 credits without the lab right now, but honestly I really really want a lab for credit so I can just take 3 classes for 9 credits and 3 from lab. But I'm already signed up for 4 classes for 12 credits and prepared for the worst, which is not getting into a lab.

Right now, it really doesn't look like anyone's hiring any research assistants, and/or the fact that the few ones that are are more ecology related and that's my least favorite science subject. I don't know what to do. I guess I can only just email more professors who may (but honestly I doubt) have openings in their labs.

Gawd I'm so stressed out.

It's been absolutely freezing out, with temperatures about zero degrees and negative wind chills. I have an 9-am class tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to going into frozen tundra. I don't wanna die yet >.< At least my room is nice and warm...too warm, at times #firstworldproblems

Also, my friend who's going abroad in Italy visited before leaving on Sunday. Went just all hung out and went downtown to a new restaurant and hung out more. It was a good night :)

What else...I don't remember what else to talk about, so I guess this will be all for now. I'll blog more tomorrow x)

---

Falling into this whole spiral again, damnit I just wanna scream.

A friend said he wants to be happier and more fun this semester, as a person, as a friend. I want to do that too. I really do. But I don't know how, I really don't.

Sometimes I hate myself.

new years!

Happy New Years Everyone! 

Fyi, I didn't do anything today haha :) Woke up, nomnom'ed and did some chores, and that's about it. Kinda a boring New Years as usual, so nothing much to talk about.

Though what I wanted to talk about was that I finished FRIENDS last night. The perfect way to close 2012. Additionally,  I watched a program about the closing of the ten seasons of FRIENDS on youtube, consisting a series of interviews of the actors.

One thing they talked about was their initial concern about being in acting and living a two sided life, one consisting of family and another just the roles on screen. What they all discovered was that FRIENDS had given them a new family on screen, and it was the best they could've asked for for a TV show.

It was quite unsettling to hear the casts talk about the end of such an amazing show. For one thing, I was listening to their real selves talking about the characters I know and love. Most of the casts had to absorb the fact that FRIENDS was ending (one episode left to go at the time of the interview), reflecting that they didn't want it to end then. The program went into the history of the show, mentioning the description / pitch of the series as:

It's about sex, love, relationships, careers, a time in your life when everything's possible. And it's about friendship because when you're single and in the city, your friends are your family.

The casts heard that and just had to applaud for the directors and writers because yes, that was the beauty of the show.

Loved it.

Well, readers, I wish you can start and finish this amazing TV series. And before that...