losing

I saw a post on tumblr where someone talks about "nobody has ever genuinely felt scared of losing me. nobody has fought for me to stay. i make myself too available. i’m always giving. i’m always the one who ends up losing." 


I've always been the one afraid of losing people in my life. Basically since 3rd grade, ever since I left school, I had no one. No one. I didn't have any contact with anyone else besides from my family. For 4 years. Homeschooled. I saw the back of the heads of kids my age on the TV screen. I didn't have childhood friends. I don't know what that means or how that feels like. And then when I came to the states, I had to learn how to be around people. I had to try to fit, even force, myself into others' niche with their own established friends. I failed pretty miserably. I wanted people to like me, I wanted people to stay, but I left because of moving. Every. Single. Time. 

I swore to myself that I will commit to everything I can. I never want to be the person who leaves again. I never want to give up a connection with a person. 

And what do you know, God came around and allowed the exact thing I was afraid of happening. He took you away. 

Now that God had showed me that this was a main problem root for me, I've been trying to learn how to unroot this. How do I not fear losing people? 

I think I had looked for something that no one else can give me. At least, not a worldly one. I wanted the unbreakable-ness of a connection. I wanted the raw openness, the gritty reality of hard love, the exposing of our inner darkness, the ultimate transparency, the kind of love we can both cling on knowing it's a covenant, not a contract. 

Then I fell into the trap of a worldly love with a sticker label of a love that says it's a covenant. 

And then God showed me that with that root, I can't love the way I wanted to love. 

And He was right. I don't have the ability to love right if I don't learn to let go of that past. 

I believe God wants me to learn to find peace and love in Him, that I can be truly content and joyful if I can fully experience His love for me. 

The One who can always, always provide. Who gives me everything that people can't. 

This is when I cried uncontrollably. This is what His love does to you. 

A podcast I was listening said something about the difference of love between two people and the love of a parent for their children, that it's a love no one will understand until they have children of their own. I'm God's child, and I believe while this falls into that category too, this agape love is far beyond my comprehension. It's a love that no matter how many time I break His heart, He continues to give His life. 

God asked me, "why do you want these connections?" Am I doing it for me? Do I want the connection because I want to feel loved by others? I think so, and that is the root. And history has again and again showed me that this fight is pointless, I will always fight a losing battle because if I'm fighting to feel loved, I will lose because feelings are fleeting. 

But God is not. 

People will, at some point or another, not mind losing you. People change. I've lost many, many people in my past. It created the pain and longing that continued for so long because I did not know how to pursue the love of God. I thought I was giving my time, but I was really asking for theirs. I didn't want to guard my heart because of that. 

But God never leaves. 

Oh, God is so, so good to me. I will continue to run to You, Father. Cultivate me so I can love You more and more. 

Thank you, Father. I'm no longer losing, because I'm your child and You have already won the war. I'll lose the battles if I need to, but I have already won the war because You have already won. 

How do I unroot the pain from my past? Let God love me fully so I can learn how to love Him more and more. Let His love pour out from me, because He never gives just enough, but He always overflows your heart so you can give away. The way I wanted to do all along.