letter

I....feel like I need to say a few more things before....I try to leave this all behind. 

I don't know if you really even still read this.... I guess I should be surprised if you are. 

It's almost been 3 months, G. I hope you are doing well. I know that you said some people have been...not very kind to you. I think it's probably mostly my fault, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry I can't seem to do anything right. 

I think there has been many, many times, when I catch myself in those clenching pains of missing you, that I realize I'm hurting because I'm being somewhat selfish. Maybe it's because I'm only focused on what I'm feeling and not yours, or it's maybe I don't truly know how you feel about all of this. You say I don't have anything to apologize for, but there are so many, G. There are so, so many things. I have many, many regrets, for not being....for not being the man you needed. 

I guess you're right. The man I was....I couldn't make you happy. As much as I wanted to, it being all I ever wanted to do...I wasn't able. Maybe that's why it hurts. Sometimes it didn't feel like I truly had chances to try to fix anything, but maybe I was just too oblivious and missed those chances, or just screwed those up too. Not surprising, honestly. 

My counselor said to me that I blame myself too much to blame you for anything. Maybe that's true, but I think even if I don't blame myself, I don't think I can bring myself to blame you for anything either. Because I do believe there are things that you are going through, maybe you didn't know how to tell me, maybe you tried and I just didn't pick up on it. 

The bottom line is: I need to accept that I was not the man who can make you happy. And I suppose I hate that when I tried, I started to hurt you instead. I may have focused on trying to be someone who can make you happy instead of just simply loving you. 

I want to be better than all of this. I don't want to be that man anymore. 

I want to be someone who can love like Jesus does. 

Maybe I had been far from Him that I couldn't hear Him well, and that's why I only chased what I wanted. 

I'm sorry for the arguments we had. I'm sorry I didn't try to resolve them better before we went to sleep. I'm sorry that you have to compromise, and I feel like you compromised more than I did. I'm sorry. 

I'm sorry I argued with you, Grace. I should have managed my time better and actually sat down, put everything aside, and talked with you about all the important things. 

I keep finding myself asking myself all these questions....like did you move on already? How are you doing lately? How's work been? Are you parents doing okay? How's your heart? Maybe that's how I think I show love, show that I care. Maybe I should have asked you what I should do to make you feel loved. Maybe I should have communicated that. 

Sorry for saying "I should have." 

I just wanted to write down a little more closure before....I try to stop using this blog because.....I know I need to leave this behind, because you have and there's no point in me trying to keep it going. 

Sorry my letters tend to get long. 

Do what you need to do, Grace. Please don't fall into any type of hatred. You have a beautiful, beautiful soul that I don't see in anyone. I'm sorry I wasted a lot of that on my selfishness and insecurities that I couldn't see before. Even I know I probably won't have the chance again, but I know if you let God do His work in you, people will see God through you. You already have, and I already saw bits of Jesus in you. 

And what I need to do now is....to be a godly man myself. To pursue Him like only He can give me everything I want, the way it was intended to be, the way I was created to seek. 

Maybe you are right, that we can't be together if we (or just me) need to do that. I guess it doesn't matter now, because it's just me and God now.

Please don't stop loving. Your love is simple and pure and sacrificing and giving. So many times I could see Jesus in the way you love. I know I had....not been kind in the way I mentioned that to you before, sometimes criticizing you for sacrificing too much. I know I said that because I loved you and it hurts to see you giving so much of yourself. But what I needed was to learn from you. 

If God doesn't let us cross paths again... I pray that you will continue to become the beautiful vessel for God to pour out His love, His work, and His will, so that everyone around you will see the love of God, so that you will shine in your world that points everyone to Jesus. I pray that someone will see that in you and realize running with you is the greatest privilege, to share your growth, to share your love for God, for others. 

I pray that you will find true joy in your soul, true peace, and true wisdom in Christ, the way it was intended by Christ. 

I still love you, and I don't think that'll change anytime soon. But....I'm gonna try my hardest to.....leave this blog behind. To start a new one. A new journey to follow God as wholeheartedly as much as I know how. So I can learn to give all of me to God. 

I'll be praying for you. 

Love,

Tim

....it hurts so much to do this, but....I can't keep doing this. I'm gonna keep on hurting and I can't do this. I can't keep reminding myself all this pain. I can't do this anymore. 

Goodbye blogger. 

Father, 

I pray that You can wipe my memory, my shame, my guilt, and anything in my past that does not delight You, so that I no longer remember them, or choose to remember them, just like You have chosen to not remember. 

Free me from these shackles, Lord. Free my from this soul tie. I still love her, but I know that this soul tie isn't what You want. Free me, even if it hurts so much that it will kill so much of me. 

Give me a thankful heart. Give me a joyful heart. Give me a hopeful heart that always remember your promises. 

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dear you

where are you, love

I need to kill myself

The parts that can't stay

So I can be better

because I'm not good

I'm not a good man

and I need to be for God and for you

I'm sorry

soul

I hope no one has ever have to know the feeling of their heart is not worth spending time with 

because God, that's what it has been feeling like lately, that no a single soul feels my heart is worth spending time with 

If this is the enemy talking, Father, please help me rebuke its roar because I can't do this myself 

Isn't it supposed to get a little easier with time? I don't really feel like it's easier 😔

Father I miss her so much, I miss her so so much 

I want to know if I really had made you feel uncomfortable telling me anything I was doing wrong. Or made you feel guilty. And specifically how or what I did,  because I never want to do that again

I guess I'll never know

you

dear you,

I can't wait to carry our taters in my arms and go hiking to see all of God's beautiful, beautiful creations, with you

😔

who am I kidding, I still love you

I hope you are doing well

I hope your heart is doing okay

I hope you aren't having headaches, chest pains, stomachaches, or knee pains anymore, or getting short of breath.

I hope your family is doing better

I hope J is doing well

I hope A is doing well.

I still care so much but I can't do anything, so journal, you'll have to just listen to this. Sorry.

Well, not like it matters, right?

Dear Father,

For the longest time, I've been hearing my own father say to us, "I'm leaving. I don't need/want you" after almost every meaningless fight. Even though he did not actually leave, I think I've always lived in that fear of him actually leaving, basically since I was just a few years old, and I think somewhere deep down started to hate him. For threatening to leave his family. For threatening because he's "the man of the house and what he says goes." For so freely hurting any of his family member's feelings like a walk in the park. Divorce had actually been brought up, that maybe she should maybe just file for a divorce and make it happen already, if she's suffering so much. But she carried through every time he verbally abused her, threatening to leave the family. While I really do admire her strength, I think the damage to me has been done long ago, and he continues to create newer scars that I need to somehow ignore.

Like today he again flipped out and said he's no longer related to us just because he got mad.

That fear and hurt run deep, and I feel like maybe I may be projecting a form of that fear to my relationships with others, that I subconsciously never want to lose anyone in my life. I never wanted someone to not like me, to not want me around. Pastor Park is right, that I'm a people pleaser to most people. 

It all made it so much worse 

God help me 

scattered

Father, 

I don't want to miss her like this anymore

Father I don't think I love her any less and it's still hurting me please take this love away I don't think I can keep holding onto this when she doesn't want any of it

Father, please, I'm begging you. I want to love her right and pour everything out for her but I can't do this anymore I can't be tearing my heart out every time knowing she wants none of it. I want to reach out so bad, Father, I want to share all of the little things in my life with her, I want to know hers, I want to do better for her and for You, but I can't do any of it. You've said to me that You don't want me to, so please help my heart, Father, please. I don't know how to move on, how to stop loving her, I don't know. My heart still wants her and no one else. Am I supposed to hate that I don't want anyone else? Father please help me let go, I don't know how, I don't, I don't, please, I'm begging you

I don't want to ever, ever, again, love someone for myself in any way, for my sake, because they can do something for me. Father please I don't want that, I beg You to help crucify any and all parts of me that defaults to that. Please help me crucify any and all parts of me that defaults to an worldly idol. Please help me kill my own self day by day. The pride, the fear, the selfishness... I'm wrapped in so many layers of sin, so deep into me, and I need You.

If any of this is still a part of me that needs to die please help me kill it, Father. Please.... 

I'm sorry this is still happening, Father, please forgive me. I'm not strong enough. When I confessed everything to You, did you know how much I wanted You to just punish me for what I did and who I've been? I sometimes can't help but feel that this is a punishment, an atonement, but I also know that's not really true.

I'm sorry if I still look for Your Grace in people instead of you, Father. I know I can't earn it in any way, and I'll never, ever deserve it. Never.

Father, I need a new heart, a fixed heart, a whole heart, to do what is good, to do Your will, to never love for myself, to love like You.

I'm sorry journal, my mind is just everywhere tonight. 

Please help me be still so I can rest in your arms tonight

sometimes I feel like telling myself, "she's happier without you" so I can keep killing all those parts in me, so you can have all the better things in life, so I remind myself that it's not about me, my self. It doesn't matter how much I love you or miss you or care about you.

Tim, please, it's not about you, it's about her happiness. It has nothing to do with you.

"She's happier without you"

I still don't know if that's the voice of my head, or the devil, or even God.

Please be still, my heart

jasper

Jasper

I remember. This reminds me of Healy. 

Healy is still the background picture of one of my credit cards. How ironic is it that that card is the one that has no foreign transaction fee and the one I've been using for the trip. 

I want to smack my head on the wall as I say I miss you 

Tim, what am I going to do with you...

all things beautiful

I miss you so much

I keep seeing you everywhere, everything that is beautiful, all the beautiful things around me, everything reminds me of you

I've always wanted this to be our thing

And now I need to let this go too, that I need to kill this dream

I really, really don't want to
I'm trying but I need help 

God help me

Lord, why is my heart so so sad right now

Why does it hurt so much

connect group

I'm actually pretty bummed out that I'll be missing five connect group meetings by going to Canada. I really loved it, especially with the married couple one. To be able to just talk about Jesus and how awesome He is....what He's been doing, and how good He has been to me... And to hear their stories and testimony....I loved it. I loved it so much. I want to just keep growing with people of Christ in our faith. 

Also, gotta love PS118! Thanks Amanda for that one. 

I'm sorry guys I'll be back soon. I'll take pictures! 

amy

Father, help me become the man I can become, so that when the time comes, the first thing my own Amy can see is that I'm a man of Your Kingdom than a husband or a father. My relationship with you will triumph all others, because You trumps all others. I want to always be overwhelmed by your love, because no matter how my earthly relationships are, if my relationship with you is strong, nothing can move me or hurt me. 

Oh Father, you are always proving your love for me, for us. I want to drown in that ocean of love. You see all my tears and turn them into strength. 

I pray that you can use my tears, my pain, my weakness, my slip ups, to work to the greater good for your Kingdom, and that my relationship with you will be strengthened, that all of this pain, suffering, fear, confusion, anything that holds down my heart, will one day glorify You in ways I can't even imagine. I leave all of this at Your feet, knowing that You will use them to work in me and through me, so people will begin to see me and say,"that's not you," to which i can say, "yea, it's not. It's my God," 

I cannot wait to meet to new and real me, Father. Please continue to work on my heart, my soul, and my spirit. 

loneliness

I think embracing loneliness means I need to spend more time with the Holy Spirit 

I still miss you... God, are you saying I'm not allowed to love her anymore? Please help my aching heart...

altar ego

I thought I'd jot down the last few pages of Altar Ego: 

your never-ending love

When I break Your heart, You said, "but I love you."

When I hated You and don't understand why, You said, "but I love you, child."

When it's not logical to love me, You said, "but I love you."

When I walked away, You said, "child, I love you. I'm never leaving you."

When my heart is bleeding and I can't stop it, You said, "come to me child, let Me love you."

When I'm consumed by loneliness and self-hate, You said," come into my embrace, my beloved child, I love you and I'm always with you."

When I feel utterly useless, unlovable, unwanted, and unworthy, You said, "but I love you, no matter how unlovable you think you are, I love you. I've chosen you, and I love you."

When I failed at following you or failed at something, You said, "it's okay, I will never give up on you because I love you."

When it hurts You to love me, when You had to die for me, You said, "but I love you. My love for you is forever and never-ending. I will always, always love you. You will always be my child."

your love

I assumed a while ago that you don't bother reading these anymore. 

I don't want to admit but I'm missing you terribly tonight and I hate myself for it. 

I hope you are doing well. 

How do you let dreams die? 

I don't have to prove to anyone that I'm different. God knows my heart. 

Let me rest in You for a while longer, Father....

I'll probably never see you again, but happy birthday, Poppy. 

I think sometimes the Holy Spirit speaks in different ways

Sometimes He speaks by pointing out my sins and wrongdoings, my lack of integrity, or when any sense of pride comes back again, so I either know I need to turn back to God or so I can avoid doing something.

Other times He overwhelms my whole being with the reality and clarity of how it feels to be loved by God, how He gave His Son so I can be with Him 

Maybe my heart has just been really fragile lately because both of these happen almost on a daily basis now, sometimes multiple times a day, and it never fails to make me tear up in the least 

This is especially true tonight, as I'm being overwhelmed by the lack of integrity in my life, at the utterly failed faith and failed Christian I had been, but yet Your overwhelming love for me despite of everything, saying that "I don't care, I love you and I want your heart." That You never ever, and will never ever, give up on me. 

I'm sorry that the guilt still comes back, because it mattered. It mattered so much, and I'm so sorry, Father. A part of me feels like I need to atone and because of it I've severed your blessings for me. I'm afraid that I'll be so far from you, Father. I'm sorry Father. 

Father, I know that I'm different now, but I want to be utterly different, and be only full of You so glorying You is effortless because I'll only be concerned about Your kingdom, Your will, and Your desires. Take that desire and come into my life and just undo everything that is me, Father. I'll continue fight myself to resist and throw out anything in the way. 

pouring

I'm getting a glimpse of the power of a godly community after joining three different connect groups.

I honestly feel like this is just all God's blessing right now. I'm testing to see if God wants me to be planted in Hillsong or if I'm just supposed to be here for the time being.

In the meantime, I'm going to keep pouring into these people. I'm gonna just pour my time and thoughts and prayers and my heart and love into these people and grow with them in Christ, to worship, to walk the good walk. I'm just gonna connect as much as I can. 

I'm submitting the vessel, Father. Use me how You want me to be in this community, for these people. Thank you for everything.

I don't know whose voice is saying, "you know she's already moved on and long gone, right? You're pathetic." 

dear you

dear you,
I don't know if it's the devil's voice or mine, but

sometimes I'm afraid that you don't exist

that I'll never get to love again

that I'm missing someone that'll never be there

hands that I'll never get to hold
that I'll never get to grow old with you 

.....I might delete this later

submit

My Heavenly Father, 

Thank you for bringing me to Growth Track, Father. I have full intention to finish this program to understand more what my gifts are and how I can cultivate those gifts to serve You better. Thank you for opening the doors of new ways for me to submit myself. It is a daily battle, Father. Help me still my heart whenever it is stirred by worldly things so I can turn back to you and submit my mind, heart, body, and soul to you, so I can hear Your voice and act in faith and with Your wisdom. I want to stoke this fire to serve You as much as I can, Father. Less of me and more of You. 

Thank you for reminding me that I have to undo myself so I can become your vessel, so you can bless me to pour out endlessly. Remove any pride in me, Father, so I can completely pour out for You so people will see that Your love. 

As my examination are finally over, officially ending MS2, I thank you for bring me so far. You will finish what You started, and I have grown in my faith so tremendously, and I'm so grateful for You, God. 

I still sometimes find myself lost in my own regret as deep as the ocean, so much that I don't ever feel like I deserve anything good, any blessing. All the things I've done wrong, all the unloving words I have ever spoken, all the people I've hurt, all the sins I've done, sometimes they all come crashing down again. Maybe I'm still learning to submit it all to You, but whenever it happens, Father, I pray that You'll give me strength to submit my regrets to You once again, Father. 

Father, I love hearing from You. I love your voice. I love the presence of the Holy Spirit. Please open my ears and eyes so I can encounter You on a daily basis, Father. I pray that You can continue to transform my heart, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute. 

I want to also pray for her and her family, Father. I pray that You will be with them and just shower them with Your love, day in and day out. Keep them from harm and evil, Father. I pray that You cast out all negative thoughts and plant the seeds of peace, joy, and faith. Heal every hurt in their hearts, Father. Please heal the hurt that I never got a chance to say sorry. Only You can make things right again. I pray that You will show everyone how You want them to pour out for You, Father. 

Father, I submit my love for her to you. The moments of missing her intensely, her voice, her laugh...I submit it all to You. I submit the dreams I had for us....all to You, Father. When my heart clenches, please come and hold me and remind me of Your promises again. Please bless her like never before, Father. Give her everything that I can't. She deserves so much more. I again repent for all my sins....I'm so sorry....I'm sorry Father, please forgive me 

Father....I still thank you, for your grace, your mercy, and your kindness. I pray for comfort and peace. I know I still have ways to go to transform my mind completely....and I will fight the fight. Thank you for a new name. I will praise You with all of my breath. Give me the faith and courage to pour out for You in every way You want me to, in every way I was created to do. I will remember your promises, and I will continue to transform my mind and my being into a vessel for You. 

In Your Almighty Name, 

Amen 

big day#2

Tomorrow's the last exam. 

I still don't think I'm too well prepared, but I don't think I'll really ever feel prepared. 

But I trust God and I know He'll be there with me. And He will take me where He wants me to go. I can't really mess up His plan. I just need to have more and more faith.

I think I'll just spend time with Him for the rest of the night. 

I hope you are well 😔

losing

I saw a post on tumblr where someone talks about "nobody has ever genuinely felt scared of losing me. nobody has fought for me to stay. i make myself too available. i’m always giving. i’m always the one who ends up losing." 


I've always been the one afraid of losing people in my life. Basically since 3rd grade, ever since I left school, I had no one. No one. I didn't have any contact with anyone else besides from my family. For 4 years. Homeschooled. I saw the back of the heads of kids my age on the TV screen. I didn't have childhood friends. I don't know what that means or how that feels like. And then when I came to the states, I had to learn how to be around people. I had to try to fit, even force, myself into others' niche with their own established friends. I failed pretty miserably. I wanted people to like me, I wanted people to stay, but I left because of moving. Every. Single. Time. 

I swore to myself that I will commit to everything I can. I never want to be the person who leaves again. I never want to give up a connection with a person. 

And what do you know, God came around and allowed the exact thing I was afraid of happening. He took you away. 

Now that God had showed me that this was a main problem root for me, I've been trying to learn how to unroot this. How do I not fear losing people? 

I think I had looked for something that no one else can give me. At least, not a worldly one. I wanted the unbreakable-ness of a connection. I wanted the raw openness, the gritty reality of hard love, the exposing of our inner darkness, the ultimate transparency, the kind of love we can both cling on knowing it's a covenant, not a contract. 

Then I fell into the trap of a worldly love with a sticker label of a love that says it's a covenant. 

And then God showed me that with that root, I can't love the way I wanted to love. 

And He was right. I don't have the ability to love right if I don't learn to let go of that past. 

I believe God wants me to learn to find peace and love in Him, that I can be truly content and joyful if I can fully experience His love for me. 

The One who can always, always provide. Who gives me everything that people can't. 

This is when I cried uncontrollably. This is what His love does to you. 

A podcast I was listening said something about the difference of love between two people and the love of a parent for their children, that it's a love no one will understand until they have children of their own. I'm God's child, and I believe while this falls into that category too, this agape love is far beyond my comprehension. It's a love that no matter how many time I break His heart, He continues to give His life. 

God asked me, "why do you want these connections?" Am I doing it for me? Do I want the connection because I want to feel loved by others? I think so, and that is the root. And history has again and again showed me that this fight is pointless, I will always fight a losing battle because if I'm fighting to feel loved, I will lose because feelings are fleeting. 

But God is not. 

People will, at some point or another, not mind losing you. People change. I've lost many, many people in my past. It created the pain and longing that continued for so long because I did not know how to pursue the love of God. I thought I was giving my time, but I was really asking for theirs. I didn't want to guard my heart because of that. 

But God never leaves. 

Oh, God is so, so good to me. I will continue to run to You, Father. Cultivate me so I can love You more and more. 

Thank you, Father. I'm no longer losing, because I'm your child and You have already won the war. I'll lose the battles if I need to, but I have already won the war because You have already won. 

How do I unroot the pain from my past? Let God love me fully so I can learn how to love Him more and more. Let His love pour out from me, because He never gives just enough, but He always overflows your heart so you can give away. The way I wanted to do all along. 

love languages

Learn to love, Tim

focus on the family podcasts

Some really good messages from here...

Overcoming the Heartaches of Life p1

Overcoming the Heartaches of Life p2 

"How long are you going to use your past as an excuse for the choices you are making today?"

Unroot, Tim, unroot

season

After having listened to the well over a hundred podcasts and sermons, I'm finding myself in a season of radical change, that I'm going to change myself as much as I possibly can to be closer to God. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, every way possible. A season of sacrifice, daily submission of myself.

It's such a blessing to be able to learn from other godly people's wisdom and experiences. And obviously, from His words itself.

Spending valuable time with Christ has been so rewarding. I'm so grateful for Him.

Thank you Father for giving me the chance today to glorify You. I know You have the best plan for me, and I submit everything for You to use.

big day!

This is it, we shall meet soon, USMLE.

Can't say I slept very well, and I am still kinda tired, but what can I do?

Time to focus and glorify God :) I got my Jesus you don't scare me