I can hear the devil saying to me that I'm not worth it. I'm not worth your time. I've done enough damage. I should be abandoned.

Maybe a little of it is myself.

I'm my Father's. He knows me and loves me. That is enough. I may have been foolish, but I'm seeking His wisdom. I know I'll be okay.

big day

Well, tomorrow's the big day. I guess I feel okay about it. Doing it for God, and He'll be there with me. He'll provide me with the knowledge and memory I need to go where I need to go.

And then on Monday too.

Hallelujah, I praise You Jesus!

dream

My dad told me that he wanted to get a divorce. I told him I'm gonna tell mom, and he beat me up and I ended up in the hospital

......I don't know what to think about this dream

journal2

I felt I needed to do more on that one verse so....

Also I don't think I'm gonna update everything I put down. That's probably too much work. I'll just keep them in my notebook. 

But so far I'm loving this. 

fool

I'm one big fool. I'm the biggest fool. I'm so sorry Father, please, please forgive me.

If I were you

1) Address your unresolved childhood issues. "If you attempt to build intimacy with a person before you've done the hard work of becoming a whole and healthy person, every relationship will be attempt to complete the hole in your heart."
2) Get out of debt.
3) Break your bad habits now.
4) Postpone the physical component of your dating relationship ALAP . Self-control before you're married results in self-control after you're married. Self-control now trains you for self-control later;
5) Avoid living together.
6) Get involved in your local church. And serve.

journal

Finally got a notebook for my Bible study journal. I'm very excited 

give me faith

Father, 

I feel like I can't escape my faults. Father, how does one mess up this badly? I don't feel like I deserve a second chance. 

I don't know if I can carry my cross today, Father. Please give me the strength. I don't ever want to be apart from You anymore. I don't want to do things by myself because I know I'll always mess it up. I'm just like Peter, Father, and I'm sorry. I'm sorry. 

Please, take over. I know this is a daily battle, and I'm asking You with all my heart to please take over my mind, my heart, my life, my everything. I don't want to do me anymore 

learn to have more grace

I think this is something I need to learn to do better....

Thanks Pastor J.S. Park for these

• Grace is a gift we don't deserve 
• Grace hears the whole story (1 Corinthians 13:6) 
• Grace gives a generous explanation 
• Grace creates a space where unity can happen (1 Corinthians 13:4-5) 
• Grace is for you. When we leave church, we'll mess it all up again. But God is still showing us grace, so that we can try again, and again, and again. 

source of all

You give and take away. Everything good in my life, You had given me. And yes, she was the best blessing I've ever had, and I can't thank You enough for her. 

But it was a blessing I didn't deserve. 

You have taken her back, Father, and I'll be okay because I didn't deserve her. 

It's Your Story, not mine. 

Thank you for reminding me to keep my eyes not on the Your blessings, but on the Source of all blessings. 

Thank you for your mercy and grace, Father. 

holyspirit

"I want to know if she still loves me" 
"Why do you want to know?"
"...I don't know, because I still love her? Because I miss her like crazy?" 
"I know you do."
"I still want to love her. Can't I love her anymore?" 
"Love Me first." 
"I do love you Father, I wouldn't be here if wasn't for You....it's because I'm asking for me, for myself, isn't it? It's still what I want to know, and not what You want." 
"Yes." 
"I know this shouldn't be about me, and that I should not want what I want, but what You want." 
"Yes." 
"I'm sorry I'm impatient, Father." 
"It's okay, just follow Me. You're my child and I love you. You see how I died on the Cross for you? Now you know how, carry your cross, and I'll carry you." 
"I'm sorry I'm still taking baby steps. I'm scared." 
"Don't be afraid. You are my child, I delight in every step you take towards Me. Remember what I had done, what I said, what I promised." 
"The miracle?"
"Yes." 
"Please help me and love her." 
"I love her more than you ever can, child. Let Me take over." 

visions

I know that I've always wanted to see you grow in Christ, into the beautiful person that He wants you to be. I thought that God wanted us to do that together.

I don't want to make you cry anymore

From how much I have been leaning into the Lord lately, I'm learning more and more how to crucify my old self, that person who simply does not have the ability to lead myself closer to God very well, not to mention someone I love so deeply. I'm learning how to find a new name, a new name that God has for me, a new man that really lives for Him.

Perhaps God is telling me that you need someone better to lead you closer to Christ, someone to love you, someone for you to love.

My heart was so broken when I realize I can't be on that journey, that I can't see that beautiful, beautiful person you will become, that I can't walk with you. But God wants me to focus not on myself, but on you. And...I realize that I simply need to keep trusting in God that He will shape you into who you need to be.

Lord, I know You are faithful, and You are always for us. I am deeply, deeply saddened that I cannot be there for her to support her with my love, but....I know You will. I know someone will. Please help my heart accept that, Lord. Please show me that my love did matter, at least a little. Please show me that my love still matters. I can feel my heart afraid to love again, Lord. I pray that You can remove that fear from my heart, a heart that wants anything from this world, so that I will only want what is truly constant, Lord. Resurrect me into a new man, Lord, so I'll put down the old fire and pick up the fire for You.

I may not see how God will work through you, but I know He will, and I'm so very thankful.

Thank you, Father. Thank you.

prayer

Dear Father,

Thank you, my Heavenly Father, for your love. You see us as all that we are, all our faults, our shortcomings, our mess-ups, our insecurities, our weaknesses, our selfish pride... and yet You love us, You love us, keeping no account of our faults, our sins, our inadequacies. You just want our hearts, to love us so, so much so we can find the only unmovable joy, a joy that nothing in this world can give us, to show us who we really, really are, made in Your image, a new name, so we know who we can become sons and daughters of God.

Thank you for your "just because" love, Father. You love us just because, and if you love us like this, I will also love others just because. Please continue to change my heart so people can see not me but You through me.

I pray that You will continue to change us into the people that You created us to be. I pray that You remove anything self righteous in me, so I can see things through Your eyes, to see others as Your children. Give us peace in this chaotic world. Remind us that You know our pain, because you humbled yourself by becoming one of us. You know the entire depths of our hearts. Remind us that while we live in an imperfect world with selfishness, fractured relationships, and hate, You are perfect.

Give us the wisdom and strength to bring Your kingdom here. We praise you with all that we have. You are worthy of all praise.

Thank you, Father. I pray in Your name, Amen.

.

I just wanted to say that I've never really blamed you for hurting me. I know you needed to do what you needed to do, whatever it was. 

The only thing is I wish you had told me earlier when something was off and be adamant, and not tell me I was perfect when I asked. I needed to know if something is up. 

But I know I can never bring myself to blame you for anything or for hurting me. I still do love you; that hasn't changed....so to me, it still feels like it's us against a problem. 

But now I'm not in your life anymore, please go be happy. I wish I could apologize to your parents, to your siblings, for not being the right man, for hurting you, for wasting your time. I understand if they dislike or even hate me, because I pretty much deserved it. I have a lots of regrets, and I'm praying everyday for God to help free me from them. 

God's joy is the only way for me to be happy now. I have no one else to go to. 

But please, do everything that makes you happy. Please be happy. You said I can't do it, so please, be happy. 




I'm thinking about maybe adding a password or something on my blogger cause it's getting pretty personal. I doubt anyone reads it anyway though. But if I end up doing it, and you still want to read my posts, just ask me. 

Hope you are doing well. 

do you regret being with me? 

I understand if you do. I regret for not being a godly man. 

Please go be happy. I won't taint your happiness anymore. 




In Jesus' name, I command guilt to leave me right now 

dream

I cried for you to fight for us

I begged you to not give up

I cried on my knees in front of your door for three days

......that was a pathetic dream, Tim 

old

I could see myself grow old with you

I'm sorry you couldn't

I guess I should thank you for telling me before I proposed. 

calling

sometimes I feel like asking you if you hate me, because if you do I understand. I deserve that too. I feel like I need to keep saying sorry to everyone in your family because I failed to do what I needed to do.

even though I know God has forgiven me, I understand if someone else doesn't.

You said you don't know who God wants you to become, or where He's calling you to be. It sounds like you are closer to the Holy Spirit than I was. From what I know and how I understand it, God usually tells us where He wants us to go too, and not simply to leave a place, in the form of a calling. And I believe we are to test that call, that voice, until repeating messages from Him say the same thing, then you'll know that it really is His calling.

I hope you find out what it is, more than what or where you want to be. Because serving God is so important, not to mention that if that was one of the reasons we can't be together anymore.

I think God is also trying to tell me that I need to stop wondering if you still love or care about me, at any point in time. Especially if God told you to not to love me anymore, because wouldn't actually mean we need distance? I don't know, I feel like asking for distance would mean I had hurt you so much that you couldn't spend time with me anymore. In which case, I understand too, I wish you had told me earlier, the moment it happened. I wish you hadn't been so nice and said I was doing fine. I wish you had confronted any of my unhealthy behaviors and requests. Because I was so blinded by my love that I didn't see my insecurities, and I'm sorry. I needed to know what I was doing wrong because I'm not the brightest person. Sorry, I didn't want that to sound like asking you to do more things.

What I do know that my love for you, even though imperfect and selfish at times, made me love others better. I don't know if your love for me was the same, but regardless, I hope you can love in a way that makes you love everyone better too. For me, I know not to ask for so much time unfairly now, among other things.

Either way, I'm sorry, for wasting your time on me.

I had a feeling that God wants me to go into a leader position, specifically maybe a youth leader and/or joint a worship team. I'll be testing this and reaching out to pastors and see if this is what He wants me to do.

I hope you are having a joyful day with your family today. Be safe.

t

and another step

Father,

I still see her in my mind

I still see her in the air I breathe

I still see her in my hand

I still see her between the trees, under the falling leaves

I still see her the fields of flowers

I still see her in the stillness of the waters

I still see her in the calmness of the night sky

I still see her in the mountains that only You can move

I still see her in everything that makes my heart and soul happy.


Father, please tell me what I should do. My heart is yours.

step

Lord,

If You want me to do this.....I'm gonna need You so much closer. I can't do this without You.
Please, Lord, I can't stop shaking I need You to help me do this

maybe

Maybe one day we will meet again and see what God has been doing through us 

repentance2

I'm sorry I was terrible at boundaries. It's been haunting me, and there's no excuse. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm really sorry. 

I really appreciate it

I just wanted to say I really, really appreciate you for still caring and praying for me, g. I just....just thank you. If you see this, I want you to know that I think I'll be okay if you text me here and there, if you want, if that's how you show that you care. I appreciate it, because after how selfish I was in the relationship, I don't really deserve your caring. I just...want you to know I really appreciate it. You contacting me won't be confusing, I promise, because that's also how I show I still care too, so I understand. I don't want you to feel pressured to do anything anymore, please don't feel bad if you don't do something. I understand you want and need the distance to figure things out, to find things that also matter to you, to figure out what you want, to love everyone else. They need love too. From how I was, they need a lot of you. I'll be okay, I'm learning how to lean into Christ. I'm finding more about who I am as His child.

I'll support whatever you want to do, whatever your heart desires. Life goals, family, career, whatever, I'll support you. I just want to support who you are as you discover who you are in Christ more and more. I want to help you grow, not hinder it. I want to just treasure and celebrate who you are. I want you to discover and focus on your gifts and be the best you can be.

I'm sorry to have hindered that. I'll all for you, g.

On another note, a friend of mine had helped me before to discover how to talk to God and figure out who I am in Christ. If you think you want encouragement or any help in that, her tumblr is here. I hope she can help you too. She's got the gift, I tell ya, full of Bible references, she has a gift. Reach out if you think she can help :)

repentance

Dear Lord,

I pray for your forgiveness for all of my sins, Lord, and everyone I have hurt intentionally or unintentionally. I'm so sorry. Please let me love like you. I want to overflow with Your love, Your overwhelming, never-ending, unconditional love. I pray for Your mercy, my Father. I need your grace. I can't and don't want to go on with anything less than Your love. I don't want any of that, Lord. Please transform my heart so completely that I will have only the fire for You. I praise You, forever and always. I love you Father. Thank you for your grace and mercy.

I pray in Your name, Amen.

happiness

I hope you find things that you enjoy doing again. I hope that you can be happy again. If it takes me longer to be happy, I hope you can find your happiness sooner, because if you're happy, I'll be happy.

Please don't stop pursuing God. Please don't stop. He has just sowed a new seed of joy in my that I'm continuously trying to cultivate. It's difficult, but I know this is how to get that true joy. Maybe that's the true joy you said you're missing.

I'm sorry I can't be a part of that happiness right now. I'm sorry I ruined it. I'm sorry I turned that happiness in a burden.

I still.... hope that God will give me a second chance so I can love with a love that doesn't take or smother. I believe that God wants me to have a heart of Heaven that gives again, and again, and again, even if it's broken. Because with His love, I know I will be able to keep giving.

But if He doesn't.... then I understand.

I'm praying for your happiness everyday, g. Every day.

counselor

I reached out to a counselor. I hope she can help me.

pain

I'm so, so sorry that there's been so much sadness, pain, and heartache in your life. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry that I contributed to that, and I'm no position to help with your pain.

God, I'm so sorry I can't help.

I pray that you can find just a little bit of happiness, somewhere, in Christ, dear. I'm so, so sorry. My heart aches for you. I'm praying for you every single day.

I pray that one day I can somehow bring happiness into your life again, whatever that means.

real love

"What is real love? How do I know if I really love someone? How can I know what's God's will in my relationship?"

I love tblaberge's response:

Hello Anon, it’s very late but I can’t sleep and I just saw this message. As of this answer I’m about to write, it’ll be 9 days till my wedding. In the past couple of years I have had the great honor getting to date a beautiful and wonderful woman named Allie.
I then asked her to be my wife, and the engagement process has been lovely too. All this to say that true love is when you are willing each day to choose the person who you have in your life.
For me, it’s Allie. I choose her daily, and I will choose her for as long as I am allowed to. In our search for love, we think it has to be this mountain top experience, and sometimes it is, but the reality is that love is quiet moments. Love is being annoyed at the other person and then asking for forgiveness later that night.
Love is having peace about something together, and love is patient when neither of you are on the same wave link.
Love is selfless, saying to the other person “I see you and I’m choosing to lay down my life for you.”
True love has to be cultivated, it has to be nourished and cared for. It is far too easy to live on the feeling side of love, but sometimes love requires the fullest amount of our hearts. It must be worked on and shown priority.
One thing I know for certain, love makes us grow in wonderful ways. When I love Allie well, I grow seeing her bloom and flourish. That’s the amazing thing about it, love has a way of giving back what we put into it. It’s not always upfront, but it is there and we are the better for it.
Of course, none of this is possible without Christ’ love. For the wellspring of all goodness and love comes from Christ, in him and through him do we have the example and resources to carry us above our selfishness. When we are empty, he fills us. When we are starving, he feeds us. When we are dying, he brings us to life.
Only in Jesus do I have the ability to lift Allie up in love. That is the key to it all, Christ and his endless love for us.

Oh Jesus, thank you for showing me how much You love me. Thank you for drowning me in your love. I'm sorry I did not truly understand your love until these past weeks. Only You can fill me when I'm empty, so I can continue to pour out love. Thank you for showing me that. I pray for the opportunity to once again pour out my love, but this time, endlessly because, this time, I can, and again, I choose to. Thank you for showing me a love that only lifts and does not drag down. A love that blooms, not smothers. I love you Jesus, I love you Jesus.

suicide

dear future wife

I love you.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I'm not yet the man I am supposed to be. I'm sorry I'm a foolish, stubborn, and sinful man.

I was lost. I still have a stubborn heart. I still need to renew my mind. I pray that you can forgive me taking so long.

I'm going through a season of pain and breaking that I'm struggling to hang on. The heartache, the tears, the guilt, the ugly cries on my bedroom floor every day, waking up 3+ times a night because my heart is hurting.....this had to happen. There will be times that I will want to ask God to take me. But please try not to worry. I'm going through worst heartache I've ever experienced, but it had to happen. Because I need to become the best person I can be for God, and for you. I do hope that you are not hurting like I am, that you know how to avoid things like I did not.

I'm sorry that I'm a stupid, stubborn, and blind person who needs to go through all this pain to grow. I'm sorry I have so many wrong roots I have to deal with first. Please forgive me. I'm sorry I have to go through all this pain to learn what it truly means to love unconditionally. I didn't deserve the love I had, so now I had to die so He can revive me.

Thank you for also being strong and fighting for our Father, too. Thank you for allowing our Father to shape you into the person you are supposed to be. Please continue to run closer and closer to Him, every day. Read His words, spend time with the Jesus, and let the Holy Spirit into your heart so He can always speak to you. Have Communion with Him. Reach out to godly people for guidance. Surround yourself with godly people so you are not alone in the race.

I'm sorry I'm not with you right now. My heart and mind are not ready yet, but I will get there. Because I know that God wants us to be together, and He will shape us until we are ready for each other. I know.

God knows my love for you. I'm trying not to feel lonely, and I hope you will be okay too. Focus on God, my love. Keep on running His race, and I will meet you on the tracks so we can run together, soon.

My love, please be strong for our Father. I'm trying to as well. God will join us in His time.

And I know that when it is time, being together will be hard. We will fight. We will argue. We will disagree. There will be times that I will be stupid again, I will be blind again, and I will not understand. I pray that you can be a bit patient with me so I can ask God to help me understand so I can do the right thing. So that we can bring any conflict to God together because we are a team, and it's us against the issues, not us against each other. But we will make it, because we have God.

I love you. I'll see you soon.

heartache

Father, I don't know why my heart is hurting tonight. I feel like I'm feeling so many emotions all at once and it's just throbbing.

I don't like this feeling, Lord, I don't want to feel like no one wants me around

Please, I need your comfort tonight...

learning how to forgive myself #1

Yea, I'm sorry, I.....needed to put this down, because you don't want me to reach out to you.

If you ever see this...

I'm sorry, Grace, for how I acted when you were going through all those things with your family a few months ago. I.....was making it about me, when it has nothing to do with me. Nothing. And I was blaming you for not including me.

I was only looking at my insecurities....I was so....so incredibly selfish. Honestly, saying that I wanted to be included was really, really selfish. I didn't give you space. I kept demanding you at such a time to fill my own insecurities. There was nothing that was okay with it. There's no excuse, it was not okay in any way. And I made you feel bad about it?

I don't know what else to say, because I was 200% at fault, Grace. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry it took me so long to see my problem. I saw my own insecurities more than your struggles and pain. You deserved real love, and that was not what I demonstrated then.

I know I can't change the past....I know I can't change what I did....I know I can't unhurt you....I don't know if there anything I can do to make up for it. I'm.....I'm sorry. I need to atone for my actions.

I'm sorry.

reflection#1: the confusing in-between

When a relationship ends

As I'm listening to this podcast....there are just a lot of things that are coming to mind. I just want to jot them down. I think it'll help me learn about myself and improve.

I need to learn and willing to own up to my own feelings.... and to be honest, not rely on the other person, but on God instead. Wow, I was terrible at that. My goodness.

I'm not sure if I was really solely seeking the romance part. Maybe I was, and yea....it wasn't healthy. I still can't believe I was like that.

"The relationship has to grow up and mature." I've never heard it put like that. Was this what you meant when you said it felt different?

Yes, I agree, it shouldn't be based on feelings only (I'm sorry), it should be a mutual understanding of faults and be built more on a friendship. Maybe you're right, I never truly built that well. And the worst part.....I was not very close to God at many times. I have no excuse. It was my fault.

A third person....I think I need to be more careful with my words. I think I did that with my mom with you. I didn't realize that I may have spoken poorly of you. It hurt so much when I realized I did that. That third person should really be God, and no one else. He's right. I'm sorry. I'll....never make that mistake again. A relationship should always be you, me, and God. No other person, and conversation should only be among us.

I need to learn how to truly own up to my own problems. I needed to learn how to step back from the relationship and look at myself. I wasn't doing that.....

Wow, I was a controlling piece of ****

Yea....I was trying to fix the relationship, but I needed to fix me.

Oh, God, why am I so bad at loving someone. Why am I so bad at self reflection.....this is unbelievable, I'm so sorry I failed you so much, God.

I need to pay more attention to my own feelings. Yes, I need to let myself grieve.

I hope I've been processing my emotions the right way...

Maybe I should go see a counselor.

Waiting.....waiting on God. Coming to terms with what my life will be like now. I know what told me to do....I just need to keep on doing it. I have faith that He knows what I need.

I don't have any Christian guy friends who are really walking with God, except for the two pastors....they don't really count....

Yea, you're right. She was a blessing, and the absence of her is now also a blessing....God wants to change me a resurrect a new me.

I'll definitely really focus on what I've learned about myself through this heartbreak.

You've showed me many positive things. You showed me what sacrifice looked like (I was blind....because I was selfish. I'm sorry). You also supported me in a way no one else could possibly have, in many different ways.....and so much more.....

"Loneliness is what it feels like to be a grown up." Thanks, man. But that's true, because I need to learn how to embrace solitude, because it's not a bad thing.

I will continue to learn about myself, so that none of this will happen again in my future relationships.

The next time I love....I want to be able to love unconditionally and not expect anything back. I will get there. I will get there. Thank you Father. I'll continue to learn about You and walk with You so I can get there. Thank you Father, thank you.

who am I?

Lord, 

You know who I am. 

I want to write down who I think I am. 

I've always wanted to connect deeply with people. But I feel like I'm in a dilemma right now because when I can't do that, I feel alone or lost, and to be honest, I don't know if I truly know how to do that well. I just have that deep, deep desire to do that. I know what matters to people. That's what matters to me. 

But I also realize that while I want to do that, I can also let my own selfish side into the equation. 

......I think the Holy Spirit just told me that I'm bound by the fear of being alone. That there's a fear of not being good enough. 

Father.... people in my life, people I've loved.... I feel like it's been history that I have not felt I was good enough, that I should be alone. 

Father, you just decided to put on No Longer Slaves. I just started crying. Holy Spirit, I know that this is what you want me to feel, to know that I have this bondage on me. This is too deep for me to remove, Father. Please remove this bondage from me. I am Your child. I'm loved by You. I will continue to declare that. I will continue to declare and ask You to remove this bondage from my heart, this root, of insecurity, of doubt, of fear, out of my life, out of my heart. Plant the seeds of your love, patience, and kindness, and wisdom. 

Thank you Father for loving me. 

last prayer

Forgive me, I'm still struggling to forgive myself...but I'll try to have this as the last time I apologize. God help me. 

I'm sorry I suffocated you by asking you for all of your time. 

I'm sorry I was hurt when you wanted to spend time to do your own thing. No, it was not okay, in any way. 

I'm sorry that you tried to tell me and I was still focused on myself that I couldn't see it. No, it was not okay either. Please don't tell me that I couldn't have done anything else to change it, because I could have. 

I'm sorry that I asked you more than I gave. 

And....the worst thing....I'm sorry that I made you feel guilty whenever you want to spend time for yourself. 

I'm trying to forgive myself. I loved you so much, and I couldn't believe that I didn't see what I was doing. I didn't make you feel loved. It wasn't your fault, because no one could have given me what I was asking from you. It was unfair to everyone. I'm gonna change, I promise, because this is not healthy of me. 

I'm sorry, Grace. 

I feel like we...ended it on a bad term. I would reach out to you because I still care, but it's my fault, and I'm sorry, so I'll not ask anything of you anymore. I'll be a friend if you reach out. 

God, I thank you for bringing Grace into my life. Thank you for showing me how love is supposed to feel like. I'm sorry that it....wasn't the love I gave her. Oh Father, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt the best blessing You brought into my life. I'm sorry I did not know how to treasure her. I'm struggling to forgive myself. Please can give me the capacity to forgive myself. I pray that You can heal her heart for having tried to give me what she couldn't for so long. Father.... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry she had to go through that. I don't feel like I deserve anyone's time or love right now. Please heal my heart for hurting and losing someone I loved so much because I was selfish and I couldn't see it. I don't want to take anymore, God, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want this selfish heart. I don't want a hear that hurts. I want a heart that fills others with your love. 

Thank you for beginning to show me how to accept love from you so I can love without asking anything back. I want to be able to receive the never-ending, truly unconditional love from You so I can also love unconditionally, only because I have Your love. 

Father, I'm sorry. Thank you for being so good to me despite of who I was and what I did. I pray that You can heal her heart. Please, Father, please heal her heart.

I pray that You can release us from all the pain and hurt, Father. Release us for all of the things that are holding us back to really grow and be like You. 

Lastly....I pray that You can give me the privilege to love again, with the right heart, when the time is right. 

In the meantime, I pray that You will keep me in Your arms and never let me go, Father. Continue to mold me, Father. Holy Spirit, please come into my heart so You can speak to me and tell me what I need to do and what I shouldn't do. 

If You are willing to grant me the friendship, I'll praise You. If not, I'll praise You. 

I love you Father. Thank you for my pain, Father. I praise You for everything You have done. 

I pray in Your Name, 

Amen

second chances

Lord, Father, Holy Spirit...this has been on my mind for a while now.

Should I be thinking about what were the exact things that I did wrong? Maybe I'm approaching this too logically. I was thinking that if I could get a list of things I did wrong, there would be a physical list of things that tells me what went wrong, what my heart was like, and it might make it a little bit easier to focus on fixing what I did wrong. I....still do wish I actually was in a position to recognize how and what I was doing wrong so I could ask You to help me work on those.

Is that right? Should I do that? I don't know, God. I don't know. I'm sorry, I still want to fix things. Father, are You telling me that You're not giving me a change to fix things? I know that my heart wasn't right and maybe I wasn't really in a place to change effectively. But I'd like to think that my heart has begin to change now, and that You have been moving my heart. Are you still saying that I don't deserve a second chance? Or are You simply telling me to wait? I don't know, Father, I'm confused.

Speak to me, Lord. I do trust You and believe in You. It is scary because I am feeling like I'm taking steps that I can't see. Please help me trust You even more so I'm not scared anymore.

Father, help me crucify my self every day, every single day, every hour, every minute, because I want to be able to really, really depend on only You. I don't want to be driven by my fear, guilt, or my abilities. Because it's clear that I don't know what I'm doing. I always mess things up. I can't even learn how to love like You do and I thought I was doing it right. Lord, right now it doesn't feel like I deserve a second chance.

I don't even know if I should ask for the understanding of what You are doing. I'm just trying to keep my faith in You because I do know that You know what's best, and how to train and change my heart. I just....don't feel like, with my mess up, that I deserve a second chance.

Please just be with my heart, Father.

the fire

I think I'll listen to this sermon twice a day or something to help with this fire.

Especially after my pastor gave me a prophetic word, this is very, very relevant. Oh Father, light this fire.

did I?

Father, I keep asking myself today if I did anything right. I don't know why, but I'm having trouble getting myself out of this hole.

Did I help her with anything in her life? Was I just a terrible person that she was putting up with for months? 

Lord I don't know why but I can't shake this hold today. I feel like there's nothing I can do, so amount of apologies, that I can do or say to make up for anything.

I don't deserve anyone

Please crucify my flesh and heart everyday until I'm more like you, Lord. 

the adventures and the reality

I'm writing down some summary and my own thoughts about J.S. Park's sermon about relationships.

2 Timothy 2:20-21

But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. 

Paul was talking about purpose before he talks about purity in 2 Timothy 2:22

Flee also youthful lust; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 

Paul is first talking about how to merge your adventure with the other person's adventure. But it's about your purpose.

"If you make a relationship about the relationship, you will crush yourself and you will crush the other person, because there is nothing else outside the relationship." 

Some realities of relationships

1. We cannot invite someone to myself. The weight of another person cannot be only sustained by another person. 
2. If I'm not qualified to be my own boss, there must be someone who is qualified to be my boss. When people are in a relationship, when they are on this battlefield of this common adventure given from God, God is their commanding officer. This is saying, "I'm on this ride; just ride with me." 
3. The initial illusions of emotion cannot sustain a long-term commitment. Something else has to take over after the emotions have dispelled. There are a few things that can do this. 
1. One is by contract; "I do for you, and you do for me." 
2. Covenant, a love, a promise that "just because." It is only by Jesus' love that will create a love that is so deep in us that we'll be able to sustain the commitment of our earthly relationships. This is where Ephesians 5 compares marriage to the Gospel. Love is easy, it's run by feelings. But what is grace? It's a costly love. Grace is love crucified by sin.
4. Quit expecting perfection
5. Your significant other is their own person, with their own autonomy, hopes, and dreams. Let's no "winning their heart," but to merge two hearts together with their respective goals and dreams. 
6. It won't be based on feelings, but rather on the Promise of the Covenant that you've made before the Lord. 

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Ephesians 5 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." The Greek word actually says, "give your life over to your wife."

I have a lot of darkness and sin inside me. I know. I'm both sorry but thankful that this happened. I did feel what you felt for her too, Pastor Park, but my heart would have been destructive for both of us. My problem was I was squeezing time out of her for me, and as terrible as it was, I was blind to it too. It felt.....normal. I didn't see my jealousy. I expected her to do so much. I asked her to not have a life without realizing it. I asked her to change without truly understanding before I do so. What audacity! How could I have done that? Oh Father I don't know how, I was blind to how unhealthy I was acting. I know 100% that God wanted us to be apart so I can see how my heart was destroying us, hurting and destroying her. I maybe have made some parts of her happy, but it doesn't matter because neither of us could have lasted with where my heart was at. I was hanging onto my own life and asking her to love me. I was doing it wrong, because I wasn't really rooted in God so I wanted or needed that. Oh Father, thank you stopping me from hurting her more. I was so incredibly blind. I'm not saying that as an excuse. However difficult school is, I still needed to be held accountable for anything wrong and unhealthy I was doing. And then Jesus, You died for my wrongs and my sins because You love me. You saw all of the depth of my ugliness, the selfishness, the stubbornness, and yet You still died for me. Who am I to say anything else? The heart I was trying so hard to fill, how could I have done that with any earthly things? Thank you for showing me that I didn't deserve her. Thank you for showing me I don't have the right to ask for her back right now. Thank you for stopping me from hurting her more. Thank you for showing me that I need to be a man with the right heart, a heart committed to You, to be in any relationship. Thank you for showing me that I need to root myself in You before I can avoid what I had done.

Thank you Father for giving me the constant desire to give my life and heart. But more importantly, thank you for showing me that I need the heart solely focused on You before I can do that. Thank you for pointing out my ugliness so I can confront them to remove those roots. Thank you Father for starting to work on my heart and planting the seeds of faith, patience, and joy in my heart. Thank you for instilling this fear and reverence for You in my heart. I pray that You will show me what I can and should do, and when. Transform my being so I can be a man who can lead my relationship in that Covenant with You. I want to have the right heart so when I give my life to her, it only glorifies our Covenant with You. Continue to show me what is Your calling for me, so everything I do will honor You.

In Your Name, Amen.

prayer

I'm praying for your heart and your walk with God, diligently. Hallelujah! 

the renewing of your mind

I think sometimes it says a lot about people's hearts when things don't go the way they want. A loss, an obstacle, a dreaded news. Are the circumstances truly driving the heartaches? Or is it our own hearts that are driving the pain? I think that unfortunately it is human nature to usually the source of the problem. It's just like when one complains, it says a lot more about the individual than the situation.

I woke up this morning with a question: what makes us love someone? How and what does that fulfill? I have come to realize that the answer to that question goes all the way into your roots. Who do you see yourself as? What are your aspirations in life? What do you think sacrifice means? Do you know what love even means? There are numerous more questions that can be asked, and then on top of that, there are practical and ideal answers to most of the questions too.

When the aid ran away from my family, I learned about myself.

When my voice remains unheard among people who I thought cared about me, I learned about myself.

When I experienced a new kind of love but lost it a few years ago, I learned about myself.

When my family struggled to out food on the table, I learned about myself.

As my aunt remarried for the fourth time, I learned about myself.

When my father becomes verbally abusive and threatens to leave the family, I learned about myself.

When I first saw someone die, I learned about myself.

When people who walk closer to God pray for me, I learned about myself.

When someone hurt me, I learned about myself.

When my love wasn't enough, I learned about myself.

Isn't it sad that people (at least me) learn the most when there are hardships? When life happens?

Well, what did I learn?

I'm a selfish man who doesn't really know who he is. I learned more about what not to do than what to do. It has been lessons after lessons, and yet I continue to learn the same thing.

I realized that the problem is how I think. I grew up with a certain kind of mindset and worldview, just like everyone else, that I use to navigate through life and help me make decisions. I have some knowledge of Christ, and Jesus, and Christianity, but there were so much more transformation that needed to happen.

Do you know why they say, "you are the strongest when you're on your knees"? Because you have nothing else to lose. When I looked to Jesus, what I learned wasn't who I shouldn't be, but who I am because of who He is. But this knowledge, any knowledge, in and of itself has no power; it is discipline that drives the power. I needed to change the way I think.

I learned that when I live for myself, many things become fragile. I am fragile. I can't love the way I want to love without consequences. I can't love others without the love of God without consequences.

Love God, love yourself, and then love others. I got the order all wrong. I realized I never really received the love of God, and so I was never truly able to love myself. And I already tried to love others with "my love." How could I have loved anyone as fully and as unconditionally as the Father? That is against human nature, and I fell right into that trap.

I will change my way of thinking so I can go against what the world thinks is desirable and follow what God has said are true strengths. I want to receive His love so I can know, deep down inside my core, who I am in Him so I can love with the only type of love that can transform others for good. I want to keep the fire for Him burning as the driving force.

I have faith that if I truly walk with Him, He will continue to show me what great things He had already provided for me. He will continue to test my faith, and I will persevere. I have faith that He will give and restore what is the best for me, open doors, and bring people, new or old, into my life, and to lead me to great things that honor Him.

When you live for someone else, you don't know who you are, because you are of this world this is not eternal. But if you live for the Father, you are His child. Walk in His plan, He'll show you who you are. Grace is a teacher. Grace empowers us to understand the truth.

I want to love not because I want to feel loved but because He loves me and He loves you.

I'll be praying for every one of your walks with God.

God bless.