schoolgirl

You said he made you feel like a school girl.

You know, I never actually knew what you meant by that. Maybe it was the way you said it. Maybe I was thinking too much. Was it just him? Or was it more of you?

How did I make you feel? Do I really care at this moment? We don't even talk anymore. What did I get from you last time, my name in all caps and nothing after? What did that mean? What were you trying to do? Were you even trying to do anything?

I think I know what you meant now.

I think I can say, this time, that it's not too late to know. Not to save what we had because it wasn't anything to you, but now I know the truth for myself.

You know, I think it might be time to open up that box and read those....letters  from you. It's probably the only closure I'd ever have.

I don't care if I break, at least I'll be feeling something 

perspective

I said it's okay to not know what you want, as long as you know what you don't want. Because you know, she had just broken up with me, and I wasn't sure what it was between us. I didn't know much then, like why she lied to me, or why she rubbed everything in my face. 


But what I did know what I didn't want to lose you, because then you're the one person who was there for me. You were struggling with your breakup about a year ago too, and that's why I said that to you, so that you know what you don't want. 


I was wrong.


So what was it that you didn't want? I've told you my side of the story, but you told me part of yours, but not what you didn't want. Maybe if we weren't writing to each other, maybe if you didn't say those words, I wouldn't have let myself free and give all of my heart to you. Yes, I was still broken then. Yes, your heart wasn't healed yet either. But somehow we found each other and we healed each other. I know we weren't actually together, but we were close, the closest probably I've ever been with anyone. I didn't want you to be a rebound, but it was all too late when you got all of my heart, with your letter. I loved you with all that was left of me, if any. 


Spring break could have been the best break. But, you didn't know what you wanted. 


And you left. You left for someone out of the blue. Just like that, he had you. You know, it feels like 500 Days of Summer. 

"I woke up one morning and just knew"
"Knew what?"
"What I was never sure of with you." 

Just like that, you're gone. Your letters, your words, your breathe, meant nothing. I thought we healed each other, and that it meant something, that we meant something, but no, you used me to heal yourself, and now that you're healed and ready to move on, I'm simply cast aside, everything lost again. 


You said you didn't want to lose me either. What happen, C, what happened? 


It was a right choice, you know, when I decided to not go to that Christmas party. From what I heard, it consisted of you making out with him all party. It's almost a year, and I don't want you rubbing that in my face again. Yes, I've lost a best friend, to whom I told everything, shared everything. who gave the best hugs. I've lost faith, because just when I thought we shared something, you were just using me. 


Your letters, gifts, all of you, I tried to keep them locked away in a box. I tried to move on, but now I'm afraid to love again. You see-you know this best-when I give my heart out, I give it all out, just like how you had it. 


Maybe I just need a hug. I don't need...all this relationship thing. It was because I didn't know what I wanted. 


Now I do. 


If only a hug doesn't remind me of you...




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Going to submit this to le love. Hope everyone's having a good day.