shouts of joy, cry of hearts, embrace of souls

It's been a while, blog. A lot, a lot, has happened since my last post. 

I think it's ironic that the last time I posted here, it was about the Paris shooting. 

I'm not sure who still reads this, if any. But I still like a place where I can, to some degree, gather my thoughts. 

Within the past 48 hours, there were more shootings. I'm still trying to come to terms with all of it. I have so many questions, but not enough answers. 

Or maybe...do we already have all our answers, but we're just not asking the right questions? 

To the families of the loss, the too many that were lost, I'm praying for you as well. I don't understand how is it possible to harbor so much hate for people. Are we not showing enough love to each other? Is it poor parenting? I don't know. This is all beyond complex and incredibly difficult to sort out. We know human nature is the root of the issue, but are we asking how we can solve it? Is that the right question to ask? We are humans, after all. Who are we to judge, but only to love? 

Rest in peace, Christina Grimmie. You were one of my inspirations, we all loved you so much. I'm praying for your family and everyone who is trying to get through this tragedy. I know you are in a better place now. I know you are next to our Father, and I know that you are looking down and smiling at us, telling us not to mourn too much but to live on joyously, fruitfully, and to spread as much love as we humanly can. That was what you did, and you inspired people to no end. In the meantime, you'll probably be singing to all the angels in Heaven and inspiring them too. 

Death is not dying. I'll see you in Heaven, Christina, and maybe then Gracie and I can sing with you? 

PS: give some of them a break at SSB's too, okay? Not everyone is as good as you! 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now that I vented about the cruelties of the world...

Guys, I found the love of my love :) Meet Gracie, my sweetheart.

What else do I wanna say here other than I love her to death? Well, I love her so incredibly much I don't know what to do with myself...

We're in a LDR right now, and it only really threw in a few pickles here and there, but otherwise, I can't wait to spend the rest of time with you, my love. x)

Alright, I should go check in at the security gate and grab some lunch soon ish.

But yes, I have only been working otherwise, I have one month of work left, and I move to my apartment in July! School starts Aug 3rd, with two days before being orientation.


Gracie is planning to come visit in a few weeks, and if I remember, I will update this blog with how my apartment goes and more updates when Gracie visits.

Be safe everyone, and keep sharing the love.

a letter to myself a year ago

Hey, it's the last day of 2013. If I remember correctly, you are on a mission to finish watching FRIENDS before the winter break ends. You did finish, I’ll have you know, with time to spare. 

A lot of things are going to happen in 2013, more than you can imagine. 

--

You will struggle at times with your relationship with your dad. It will come haunt you like it always has, and it will change both you and him. But you will get through it, and you will be ok. 

You will be able to meet up with an old friend to talk about life and the future. You will appreciate her in your life much much more, even though you barely talk to each other. But that doesn't really matter because you can pick it up wherever you have last left off. 

A beloved friend of yours will lose someone dear to him. It will happen so suddenly that it leaves you with a void that seems to freeze time itself. But he will be strong, and you will take that as a reality check, a reminder to testify to love whenever you can. 

You will slowly start to redefine "friends" and "perfectness." You will find out more friends have drifted from you, either because maybe they made better friends, or you were never really friends with them to begin with, and you are still trying to figure out what they thought of your friendships. But let them be redefined, because in a way it ends up doing you some good, so let it happen. Get past the confusion and hurt, you can do it. 

You will get a Surface Pro and it will carry you through work and classes more effectively than you had imagined (don't get too excited now!)

Waves of stressful anxiety with research labs will crowd your thoughts for some time, but you will get two internship interviews. You will nail both of them and get accepted to an amazing summer research internship and have a great time. It will also point you in a direction that suits your interest more than you know. And you will work your ass off for a number that you still dread its power over you, but you will keep going, whatever it takes.

You will also make something with your heart and hands that you thought you’re proud of, but it will become one of the worst mistakes you have ever made in your life. It will be you subconsciously trying to hold onto hope almost physically, but it will not only fail but you will also lose something that means terribly much to you. 

…but it’s okay, because you will learn from it… oh boy, do you learn from it. It will teach you what it really means to let go, to truly let go. Whatever you do, please...let the lesson change you for the better, and don’t let it bring you down. 

You will make a friend who will become your best friend, and please, you have to make sure that you don't let this one go, ever. I'm warning you, if you mess this up somehow I will build a time machine myself and come beat you up. 

An event is going to shake both you and the world like no other ever has. Someone sick in the heart will bring bombs to the Boston Marathon and hurt so many innocent people. It will hit home, literally, and again it will act as a reminder to show compassion to those around you. Let it speak. 

You’ll find yourself starting over, a new blog, that is, because you realize that something had changed you. You’ll ask yourself why it still bothers you, and if you miss anything. But you will realize that you don’t anymore, because you are no longer that person, and you can finally leave it all behind.

You will also learn that sometimes it is really hard to know how much something can hurt someone, and maybe, to an extent, if a lie can prevent someone hurting but hurts you some instead, think carefully before you do anything. I know you, you'd rather be truthful, but maybe sometimes it is better to lie if the lie will only hurt you, and all you have to do then is to slowly heal from it. 

You are going to get an apartment for the first time, with a sick monitor setup in the living room, and you will have the chance to learn the arts of cooking. You will love it, I tell you, so let the interest live on, and don't be lazy now! 

You will also go to your first concert, and it’s Yellowcard ‘s Ocean Avenue Acoustic Tour, too. It will change your life, and you will love them even more. Not only that but you will also meet your pen pal from England. Maybe it is the best time to meet and talk, but made it will make the experience so much more worth it.

It might not be clear or easy to tell, but you still make a few very good friends, friends who--I believe--keep you in their thoughts from time to time, and to a very large extent, they will keep you going. Their short company, small talks, and the little thoughts…they all count, more than you realize.

You will find confusion, a lot of it, because you struggle to be yourself or not. You won’t be able to decide whether you want to fight for hope, because you don’t know if it’s worth the fight. You will end up giving up because you will break again, but not as bad this time, maybe because you will convince yourself that you don’t have much to lose.

Heh, and with a little luck (and impulse, really), you are able to play Pokemon again, and bring back a childhood joy that you never thought you could experience again. 

All the most important part is...you will slowly learn how to live with the scars, and how to make peace with them. It was never your fault, and you don't have to get rid of them. They can stay in the box, and you don't have to face them again because you are not the same person anymore. You are better and stronger, and all you have to do now is carry on. 

...you will also learn that hope can sometimes bring you down, so you have to choose the right kind of hope to keep going. 

2013 will be hell of a roller coaster ride, my friend, but you will survive and learn so much. 

Carry on, my friend, and always testify. 

a click of the tongue, a glimpse of the horizon

Only about three months ago, I stayed awake on a trip I'd normally fall asleep, only to come back to a home I'd known for less than 2 months, to a home that I'd only know sometimes up to only 12 hours of the day, arguably half of my summer.

On my last day home of the summer of 2013, I thought I'd do a quick reflection post.

my good day on Thurs

So I can talk about my awesome yesterday now that I have time!

Woke up, got dressed all fancy, borrowed my roommate's red tie, relearned how to tie a tie, packed my stuff and went to my psych class.

We learned about literally neurons for the 300th time. Nothing exciting in class.

Went to Career Services afterward.  I went there just the day before so I know where to go exactly. The interview room number was 511, so I naturally thought it'd be on the 5th floor. Now this building looks really short, so it doesn't look like there is even a 2nd or 3rd floor. Either way, I went in, looked around on the first floor, and the room numbers were 5XX. "Uh, alright," I thought to myself. I looked around but 511 doesn't exist, so I went to the front desk and asked. The guy just pointed at himself. Oh, alright.

I signed in at the main desk and was instructed to go downstairs. As I was waiting there with a few familiar faces, a recruiter came out and explained that a recruiter couldn't make it and therefore our interviews duration will be cut in half (now 15 min each instead of half hour). I began to wonder how they can do a good interview in 15 mins.

A friendly-looking lady was my recruiter. She asked me a few generic questions, wanted to ask me if I would have transportation during summer, why I wanted to work with Genzyme, questions like that. I think it went really well! I left a few good lucks to the other applicants who were still waiting.

Had lunch with a friend, we caught up, talked about silly and stupid people, what we did over the past few days, and had a good time.

I went back to my dorm and tried to do a little studying but more or less just chilled. All of a sudden I remembered that I still had my pad thai from Monday so I had that before my pchem exam at 7. Left around 6:30, got there and met up with a few friends. The exam turned out to be rather ok (thanks to the similarity to the past exams). Good day so far.

I came back and checked mail, and guess what I got? A postcard from a lovely friend who's abroad in Italy! That was such a highlight of my night. And then I got a wings burger too.

Tried to finish Skywards Sword also but realized I was tired so I just watched Perfect Pitch and then went to sleep after. Half way through the movie my power went out, so I finished it and went up stairs to a friend's to charge up my baby.

Went to sleep around...2. Yea ok -____-

So that was my day! Honestly it was one of the best days. I can say that I enjoyed it thoroughly. I mean yea there were some negative thoughts and events, but I have chosen not to feel them.

Good day it was, I tell ya.

lit

Just made a tumblr post about imagining a puppy or a dog jumping onto my bed and snuggle beside me as I begin to blog.

Ohhhh man I want a dog :(

Woke up tired.

Understood most of my PChem and (surprisingly) biochem lectures.

Had a career fair irrelevant to my major.

Productive study time in the library.

Bruised my thumb from sliding open buttons on my jacket.

Went to tutor for PChem and came back just as confused.

A friend asked me today about my blog posts.

Found Umass Compliments.

Parents advised me to find monthly-payment options for Surface Pro.

------------once again blogging in my friend's room because my roommate's asleep------------

You know, I think I didn't expect the topic to come up. But then again I don't really expect anything usually anyways. Was it a pleasant surprise? I guess so. This was the first time someone talked about what I post.

Maybe I do sound depressed, I don't know. but then again it's something I feel like I've lived with for so long that I don't even consider it "depression" anymore. The thing is, just as what John Green said, " pain...it demands to be felt." You said the sadness I feel isn't normal sadness. Maybe that's right, maybe it means that it's been there for too long and it's turned into a different kind of sadness. Maybe it's something that I keep trying to ignore and learn from but it turned into something else. I don't know. I really don't know.

Maybe I post more about things that upset me than about joyful events. I should try to do more happy posts.

I want to apologize if I made you worried, because that's definitely the last thing I'd do. Thank you, though, for bringing it up. Maybe I'll go talk to someone, but I guess I'll try my best to be more optimistic before to see if it works. Being and talking (not necessarily sharing) to friends already help, and you definitely do.

I really really hope that I do the same for you too, 'cause you know I would not hesitate in the slightest.

I think I just need more fun in my life, and by that I don't mean the occasional video games or movies. I want to have fun with friends, with you. That's what matters. Even if I just hang out with people and do nothing, it's better than antisocial.

You know, I just realized something as I'm writing this. I think I've been, to a degree, afraid to surround myself with friends because I have been blatantly ignored in a group before, and it used to happen quite often. I used to be  more talkative than I am now, but after a few years of ignorance, I more or less stopped offering my thoughts because I was simply told that no one cares about my presence. I told you about my homeschooling years and while I told myself that shouldn't have affected my social skills--I think they still did. Maybe I'm trying to undo that and have only been slightly successful.

All I ever wanted was some close friends with mental and emotional bonds. By that I mean I can feel free to text them about something funny I saw, made my day, bothering me, or just a hi, just because I want to talk to them and share what's on my mind. I don't even care if they judge, as long as they'll always be there and be supportive as friends. And I just want to be one of them, to them, as well.

Maybe that's too much to ask for, and maybe I'll never know.

Yea. If someone asked me about my life, I'd spill. Easily. Just because someone asked.

Ok the post is getting too long. I guess that's it for now.

Thanks again . If I see you tmw I'll give you a really big hug >.<

thought of the day

I'm gonna do two posts today. One is this, and I'll follow it up with another later.

I just wanna put down how my day was. I have more or less busy Thursdays:

9:30 - 10:45 am - class
11 am - 1 pm choice of lunch and homework/study
2:30 - 3:45 pm - class
4 - 8 pm - work

While busy, I woke up today and my throat was killing me. Like absolutely killing me. I was in pain in addition to the expected dryness. I'm not sure if the pain was caused by the dryness but either case, my throat is becoming compromised and ingesting anything became slightly painful already. Swallowing hurts, and breathing through my mouth hurts my throat more because the air dries it even further. I'm gonna keep drinking hot/warm water and see if it goes away.

Despite my throat acting up, I was on my way to my 2:30 class when all of a sudden a peace came over me. I unconsciously looked up at the clear sky, and somehow I felt like I was absorbing all the good things in my life at that instant. It felt like I was counting all of my blessings...

and I felt, for a brief moment, content. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever felt, because at the same time my mind also went through the things that could have gone right, things that could have been better. The list grew quite long, but I was still content. It was really weird, but I liked it.

As you can see from the schedule, I'm actually at work right now. I'm 15 minutes into my shift, but I don't know when people will come in for tutor, if at all, so this may be posted in minutes or an hour or two.

I really want to take something for my throat. Maybe I shouldn't have come to work today. Blargh.

shot voice

Where should I start?

I found a church I can go to on campus. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I think I might join a small group or something. Will update :)

Had a rough night last night, woke up and didn't go to my only class today. I don't think I missed anything major, so I should be alright in terms of materials.

I was deciding whether I wanted to be social today after lunch with friends. Since I was antisocial last night, I decided I'll be social today and go to the hockey game with a friend. It was my first time to a hockey game, and we played against BU and won 5-1. I had a fun time learning chants and rituals. Definitely an awesome (first) game for me :) Came back and realized my voice's relatively shot haha, oh well.

 Also. Found out Three Olives Grape vodka tastes pretty damn good (I'm not a drinker, but this stuff is amazing)

Kenneth Cole NY #KC1793

Also, I feel like I've been spending too much money. Got a new controller, got wings like twice in two weeks, got my new watch (which btw is absolutely GORGEOUS), and textbooks. My amazon trade-in giftcard thingy needs to go through, and my tutor shifts need to start zz

OH. BURA is starting to announce accepted students. Honestly I'm so scared for my life right now. Goddamnit the suspense, I really wanna know now! There's a chance I'll get in, but I don't really wanna wait until the last minute (Sunday) to know...that's two days away! I can't stand this! UGH. *crosses fingers and prays*

On a similar note, I've started looking for summer labs, so like Genzyme, Lincoln, and UMass Med. At least these are the ones I could find at the moment, and their deadlines are in roughly 2-4 weeks. I'll be doing the applications in that order. More finger crosses!

There's the LRC tutor training day tomorrow from 10-3pm. It'll be a slightly dull day for me, but I get paid so I'm not complaining! :D I think it'll almost be nine bucks this semester. Oh I will definitely continue this until I graduate...I absolutely love this job. I'm sooo glad I got it. Damn.

I tumblr'ed this, but here are two thoughts of the day:

You ever wondered if the reason you have (some) friends is not because of who you are but because of who they are? This is something you cannot prove or disprove.

There’s a difference between those who want to listen to you talk and those who want to talk to you. As different as they are, you need friends who at least do either one, if not both.

I'll leave with those two. Gonna head off, training day tomorrow!

G'night readers
 

a merry post!

I wish everyone (more like my readers xD) a very very Merry Christmas!!!! :) I hope you all have a lovely time with your family, friends, and SO. Here's a video of one of my personal favorite Christmas songs :)

just in case

So, just in case the world ends in....9 mins or something.

Well, first of all, I won't even be asleep yet lol.

Lots and lots of love to all my friends! Love you all. <3

I've had a pretty good life. Everyone I've met, in high school, college, work...guys, you are all amazing. If I were given the choice to relive or change my past, I would, without a doubt, keep all of you where you are, who you are.

Love you guys :)

what makes you happy

I think it's rather uncommon for people to really think about the question, "what makes you happy?"

So, since I just asked you, why don't you answer? What makes you happy?

I guess I'll do a short list. (Just as a mental picture, I am currently smiling, yet my heart's cringing)

• A good cup of tea
• Walking in a 60 degrees rainstorm 
• Walking and singing. I've noticed that I've been doing this a lot more, and I don't care what people think of me. I'm in a happy place, deal with it. 
• The presence of people. Just the presence, especially ones I love
• Playing the keyboard flawlessly (key word: flawlessly) 
• Being able to sing a song I like...damnit my vocal range is too short :( 
• Watching FRIENDS. Best show ever. 
• Worship songs. Omg worship songs all the way. I almost always tear up when I listen to/sing them, but that's the beauty of them. LOVE worship songs. 
• Finishing a good book
• Knowing that I learned something useful in school
• Good grades
• Wearing freshly dried clothes/pants
• A good night's sleep/nap 
• Vibratos, especially on a violin (gawd I need to go back to that...) 
• Reading good manga
• Movie nights 
• Waking up without alarm 
• Finishing work well before due date
• Hugs

And then..there's you. 

Honestly...talking to you makes me so happy. Blah, welp. 

I'll try. 

-----

Time to study for two exams!!! Wooooooooohoooooooo (not) 

cheer you up

If you are sad or down and need something to cheer you up, to put a smile on your face, please watch this.

Seriously she is beyond adorable >.< Ahhhhhhhhh CAN I HAZ.

Sorry my head is gonna explode into candies and sprinkles and stuff.