solitary

Lord, I don't know what You want me to be

I hate myself for needing human interaction so much. I hate it. 

But You told me to keep on loving

But all I have right now is just solitude. It feels like everyone is satisfied with love from the other people in their lives. I'm kinda just....there. 

I don't know if I want to love because I want to feel loved 

I hate that I want to feel needed, Lord. Please get rid of that part of my heart. 

I know You love me, God, and I love You too. It is just that lately I sometimes don't feel You with me. 

Sometimes I don't know if I have the right to ask You for anything. 

I know You have plans for me, and that I do have more faith in Your plans, but right now, it's really hard, Lord. I feel so disconnected from everyone in my life. You know all my thoughts and feelings, and I talk to you so much more now, but I'm sorry I also resorted back to blogs to share my heart with.....a digital wall. I don't know if it's right to keep wanting to connect with others, Lord, because right now it's not helping me at all. It just reminds me that I'm alone. 

You give and take away, and I know You'll never give me what I can't handle, but right now it's really, really hard, and I feel alone. My friends who have been helping me through this, I can't help but feel they're being overwhelmed by me talking to them. I feel like no one wants to connect with me anymore, and I don't want to burden someone with my desire to connect with them. 

I don't know what to do, Lord. I don't. I feel like I'm drowning. Please surround me with your angels tonight because I don't think I'll be sleeping 

prophetic words

I've been in a weird mood all day today.

I went to spoke with the pastor at my church. It took a while to find a time that worked for both of us. We talked over an hour. I went to talk to him about working with my heart to refocus on God better and more effective. He prayed for me, and it was a very powerful prayer. I'm really glad I was able to speak to him and ask him for guidance.

Half way through talking he interrupted me and told me, "I don't mean to interrupt, but I was having trouble focusing on what you were saying because the Holy Spirit really wanted me to tell you something. Have you ever had anyone spoken a prophetic word over you?"

I said I'm not sure, maybe once?

"Well, this is what the Holy Spirit wants to speak through me: You have the gift to really connect with the Holy Spirit. I think that God has started a journey for you that will go far."

I wasn't sure what how to take that, to be honest. I'm fairly certain I've heard the Holy Spirit before, but it was not frequent. I do want to be able to hear God and the Holy Spirit more easily, but a part of me feels confused because I don't know how to really do that.

"Have faith," he said. And then he recommended me to get a book that should help me bring my gift to life. I think I'll order the book tomorrow.

"I've been in your shoes, Tim. Have faith. Have patience. Read His Word. Put Him first and love radically. Once your relationship with Him is solid, you will experience floods of blessings."

We talked about speaking in tongues as a gift as well towards the end of my visit, and I got a similar feeling. He prayed for me, partly in tongues, before I left. He said if I want, I can read God's Word and start a journal so it will help me meditate on verses and let the Holy Spirit fill me and speak to me.

So that's what I'm going to do. I do believe I can do this. Maybe speaking in tongue is not my gift, but I want to be able to hear God. I believe that I can do this. I'm definitely going to try.

I have you had a good day.

night

I guess I need to get this out before I can sleep tonight. 

Sorry I wasted your time. You deserved better. I hope you are okay. 

thank you

Thank you for loving me. You'll be in my heart for probably forever

journey

It's been a while. 

Well, a lot of things have happened in my life. Happiness, sadness, fear, hope, warmth, dread, excitement, eye-opening...

I've cramped a scary amount of stuff into my head for the past two years of medical school. Arguably didn't learn quite as much, but some of them will have to do. 

But I've learned the most about myself--my own heart, my soul, my strengths, my weaknesses--in the past few weeks. 

This....will be kinda be a post of me talking to myself, and to God. I apologize if this is not what readers wanted to see. But I do believe that if someone sees this, it might help in different ways. 

Let's talk about what I've learned about myself. 

I'm insecure. I'm really insecure. I found out that I have not truly looked into my core being before and think about what that meant. But I think my insecurity stemmed from a need to give and love to feel complete, and I think it reflected back to a need to be loved as part of that. Sounds normal? Well, it shouldn't be. 

Because on top of that, I've always called myself a Christian. I thought I was following God alright. But I was very wrong. I was far from God, and the devil took advantage of it and allowed me to lead myself down a path that led me away from God, and I did not want to admit to it. I remember me looking back, but was my heart weak. I couldn't turn back. I didn't have the strength to. And my biggest mistake? I didn't even truly ask God to give me the strength to turn back to Him. 

Well. God gave me a wake-up call. I used someone I loved with all my heart to tell me that I need to turn back before I walked even farther on that path. My heart has never hurt this much, and I never knew something could hurt this much

Tonight, I felt, for the first time, what God was feeling when He was walking behind me as I was headed away from Him. I can't imagine how much He was hurting as He watched me walking into this pain. I felt His love for me this deeply for the first time, that He reached out to me asking me to turn back to him, but I was unwise, stubborn, whatever you want to call me...and I didn't. I was unwise, and I kept hurting Him. He watched as someone He loved so deeply head towards something that will tear him apart. 

I'm sorry for my stubborn heart, God. I'm sorry that I insisted on loving her with a love that I thought was right. God, I don't feel like I deserve anything or anyone right now, for how I've walked my life, for how I loved her, for how I loved some people, for how I loved my dad, for how I loved myself, and for how I loved You. I was doing it all wrong, and I was still stubborn. 

But then You cried with me and showed me Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. 

God, you are truly amazing. Thank you for showing me that I could not love anyone, even myself, with my selfish love. I know that it basically doesn’t matter if we're meant to be right now because I’m not ready. I can’t be with anyone right now because I still need God to work on my insecurities and my heart. I don’t want to love anyone with my selfish love. 

I'm sorry for my stubborn and stupid heart. I'm sorry I hurt her. I'm sorry you have to clean up my mess. I pray for your forgiveness. Thank you for slowly teaching and showing me how to trust You. I want to be able to talk to You on a daily basis. I pray that You can open my eyes to see the things I can't see. I want to know what You want to do in me, and I'm scared to not walk with You again. I'm sorry my heart strayed from you and I loved selfishly. I want to love instinctively with Your love, how You love me, so I will be ready. 

I want the joy from You that I had always looked for in this world, because only You can give true joy.  

I praise you, God, I praise You. I know you are and will keep working on my heart, my pain, and my mind. I want to be ready for what You want to do in me. 

I'm sorry it took me this long to dedicate my life to you, but I know that You will work through me and transform me into who You want me to be so I can always honor You. 

I praise You forever! 

memories

Hey

It's been a while.

I'm going to start using this blog again, because I think it's a better place to put down my thoughts than tumblr.

Cheers.