a letter to myself a year ago

Hey, it's the last day of 2013. If I remember correctly, you are on a mission to finish watching FRIENDS before the winter break ends. You did finish, I’ll have you know, with time to spare. 

A lot of things are going to happen in 2013, more than you can imagine. 

--

You will struggle at times with your relationship with your dad. It will come haunt you like it always has, and it will change both you and him. But you will get through it, and you will be ok. 

You will be able to meet up with an old friend to talk about life and the future. You will appreciate her in your life much much more, even though you barely talk to each other. But that doesn't really matter because you can pick it up wherever you have last left off. 

A beloved friend of yours will lose someone dear to him. It will happen so suddenly that it leaves you with a void that seems to freeze time itself. But he will be strong, and you will take that as a reality check, a reminder to testify to love whenever you can. 

You will slowly start to redefine "friends" and "perfectness." You will find out more friends have drifted from you, either because maybe they made better friends, or you were never really friends with them to begin with, and you are still trying to figure out what they thought of your friendships. But let them be redefined, because in a way it ends up doing you some good, so let it happen. Get past the confusion and hurt, you can do it. 

You will get a Surface Pro and it will carry you through work and classes more effectively than you had imagined (don't get too excited now!)

Waves of stressful anxiety with research labs will crowd your thoughts for some time, but you will get two internship interviews. You will nail both of them and get accepted to an amazing summer research internship and have a great time. It will also point you in a direction that suits your interest more than you know. And you will work your ass off for a number that you still dread its power over you, but you will keep going, whatever it takes.

You will also make something with your heart and hands that you thought you’re proud of, but it will become one of the worst mistakes you have ever made in your life. It will be you subconsciously trying to hold onto hope almost physically, but it will not only fail but you will also lose something that means terribly much to you. 

…but it’s okay, because you will learn from it… oh boy, do you learn from it. It will teach you what it really means to let go, to truly let go. Whatever you do, please...let the lesson change you for the better, and don’t let it bring you down. 

You will make a friend who will become your best friend, and please, you have to make sure that you don't let this one go, ever. I'm warning you, if you mess this up somehow I will build a time machine myself and come beat you up. 

An event is going to shake both you and the world like no other ever has. Someone sick in the heart will bring bombs to the Boston Marathon and hurt so many innocent people. It will hit home, literally, and again it will act as a reminder to show compassion to those around you. Let it speak. 

You’ll find yourself starting over, a new blog, that is, because you realize that something had changed you. You’ll ask yourself why it still bothers you, and if you miss anything. But you will realize that you don’t anymore, because you are no longer that person, and you can finally leave it all behind.

You will also learn that sometimes it is really hard to know how much something can hurt someone, and maybe, to an extent, if a lie can prevent someone hurting but hurts you some instead, think carefully before you do anything. I know you, you'd rather be truthful, but maybe sometimes it is better to lie if the lie will only hurt you, and all you have to do then is to slowly heal from it. 

You are going to get an apartment for the first time, with a sick monitor setup in the living room, and you will have the chance to learn the arts of cooking. You will love it, I tell you, so let the interest live on, and don't be lazy now! 

You will also go to your first concert, and it’s Yellowcard ‘s Ocean Avenue Acoustic Tour, too. It will change your life, and you will love them even more. Not only that but you will also meet your pen pal from England. Maybe it is the best time to meet and talk, but made it will make the experience so much more worth it.

It might not be clear or easy to tell, but you still make a few very good friends, friends who--I believe--keep you in their thoughts from time to time, and to a very large extent, they will keep you going. Their short company, small talks, and the little thoughts…they all count, more than you realize.

You will find confusion, a lot of it, because you struggle to be yourself or not. You won’t be able to decide whether you want to fight for hope, because you don’t know if it’s worth the fight. You will end up giving up because you will break again, but not as bad this time, maybe because you will convince yourself that you don’t have much to lose.

Heh, and with a little luck (and impulse, really), you are able to play Pokemon again, and bring back a childhood joy that you never thought you could experience again. 

All the most important part is...you will slowly learn how to live with the scars, and how to make peace with them. It was never your fault, and you don't have to get rid of them. They can stay in the box, and you don't have to face them again because you are not the same person anymore. You are better and stronger, and all you have to do now is carry on. 

...you will also learn that hope can sometimes bring you down, so you have to choose the right kind of hope to keep going. 

2013 will be hell of a roller coaster ride, my friend, but you will survive and learn so much. 

Carry on, my friend, and always testify. 

make peace

I came across this quote the other day: 

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.

Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried

I think that last line hit me. It made me realize that I was going to burn those things because I couldn't deal with them. Because that represented my wound, and I wasn't able to make peace with it, so I sought the easy way out, and that was the make it all disappear--physically disappear. 

The ironic thing is, I don't even know if it'd work. I just want it to go away so badly that I wanted to literally incinerate it. 

But what I needed to do is to, like it says, remove the pain from all of it and make peace. 

To make peace

Give me strength..

ocean avenue

Friday, Sept. 6th, Yellowcard had one of their concert tours at the House of Blues in Boston. I was lucky enough to attend with an old friend of mine. 

It was also my first concert, not to mention it was Yellowcard's. 

I basically left right after my class on Friday, and got to the House of Blues around 6pm. My friend Terry had arrived there just minutes before. 

The line wasn't very long when we got there, but it did pick up around 6:30pm ish. They had the fan split up into two lines, one VIP and another without VIP. 

Even though we're in the VIP line, this person came over to us and asked if we're over 21. We said yes and he told us we could go hang out and wait in their bar, instead of waiting outside in line. We, of course, jumped on the opportunity and went to get our two bracelets (I believe one's for the ticket and another for the bar). We stepped through the door into a dimmed hallway, and after a few turns, we arrived in the bar. 

It was a total change of atmosphere; there were a lot of couches, tables, seats, and it was not nearly as crowded as it was outside. We were on empty stomachs so we didn't get any alcohols, only water. Few other people got drinks, we thought it was exciting enough to even skip the line and wait inside in the bar, so we weren't too bummed about it. 

And then I met Charlotte, my pen pal from Sheffield, England!

We actually talked the day before the concert, trying to see if we can plan out how to meet up and work out the times and such. I was slightly bummed out when she told me she got into the VIP bar as I was still waiting in line, but when the guy came over to invite us in, I knew I can find her before the concert started! 

After few chats here and there, time passed fairly quickly and it was time to get situated. We had almost an hour to wait before the show actually started, so we kinda just stood there, took in the atmosphere, and had a few quick chats with the other fans. 

As 8 o'clock hit, the lights shifted their hue and intensity; bass boomed for the introduction of another artist, Geoff Rickly, who will start off the concert with a few pieces of his own. He was a pretty cool person and a rather laid back personality, but I feel like his songs are rather negative and dark. He was ok. 

A little before 9pm, with the closing of Rickly's performance, the staff came and further prepared the stage for the main course. It took them almost 20 mins, if I recall correctly, before the stage is ready. Fans were going crazy already at this point, and I couldn't imagine what they'd be once it begins. 

9pm. Ryan Key led his band out onto the stage from the right of the stage. Crowd went berserk. I was so excited to be there, to be not even 10 feet away from Yellowcard. 

They played the pieces from Ocean Avenue acoustic album in sequential order. I didn't know that they're going to do that, but I was glad they did because Back Home was an amazing song to end the album. The acoustic album ended with a 15 min ish break, and then continued the show with a full electric set of both new and old songs, with Ocean Avenue once again as the finale. 

Words cannot describe my experience, so I guess I will just post more pictures. 

the small changes

I want to point out a few small things that I have changed, or started doing, and perhaps the reasons why, as well.

To begin, I started using "bud" and "buddy" a lot (if you have known me for a while you'll know). I actually started using them because of a friend who uses it quite often. In a way, it creates a sort of bond between the addresser and the addressee, as the name suggests. I think that may have been the reason why I started doing it. I used to just use people's names, but I decided to start using "bud" if I want to express familiarity or the desire of such. I haven't decided if it's for the better or worst, yet. I mean, it enables me to interact with people easier, but at the same time it almost sounds shallow at times.

Thanks to my supervisor, I started saying "fair enough." She says it so much that about a quarter of the times it didn't even make sense. I should start a nickel jar for the times I restrained myself from saying "fair enough"...

I think I have unconsciously started to find a mental comfort place before falling asleep because I feel like it's sometimes the only way I can fall asleep. As in, it would be the only effective way to stop my mind from wondering and settle down because I am in a certain place that calms my mind and heart. I never remembered actually doing that until some point this year, I believe. Not sure if that's just plain normal or what lol

My brain refuses to do math a lot of the times. Not sure if I'm just getting lazier or what.

I think that's it for now. I bet there are more but that's all that came to my mind atm. Peace out, readers!

lit

Just made a tumblr post about imagining a puppy or a dog jumping onto my bed and snuggle beside me as I begin to blog.

Ohhhh man I want a dog :(

Woke up tired.

Understood most of my PChem and (surprisingly) biochem lectures.

Had a career fair irrelevant to my major.

Productive study time in the library.

Bruised my thumb from sliding open buttons on my jacket.

Went to tutor for PChem and came back just as confused.

A friend asked me today about my blog posts.

Found Umass Compliments.

Parents advised me to find monthly-payment options for Surface Pro.

------------once again blogging in my friend's room because my roommate's asleep------------

You know, I think I didn't expect the topic to come up. But then again I don't really expect anything usually anyways. Was it a pleasant surprise? I guess so. This was the first time someone talked about what I post.

Maybe I do sound depressed, I don't know. but then again it's something I feel like I've lived with for so long that I don't even consider it "depression" anymore. The thing is, just as what John Green said, " pain...it demands to be felt." You said the sadness I feel isn't normal sadness. Maybe that's right, maybe it means that it's been there for too long and it's turned into a different kind of sadness. Maybe it's something that I keep trying to ignore and learn from but it turned into something else. I don't know. I really don't know.

Maybe I post more about things that upset me than about joyful events. I should try to do more happy posts.

I want to apologize if I made you worried, because that's definitely the last thing I'd do. Thank you, though, for bringing it up. Maybe I'll go talk to someone, but I guess I'll try my best to be more optimistic before to see if it works. Being and talking (not necessarily sharing) to friends already help, and you definitely do.

I really really hope that I do the same for you too, 'cause you know I would not hesitate in the slightest.

I think I just need more fun in my life, and by that I don't mean the occasional video games or movies. I want to have fun with friends, with you. That's what matters. Even if I just hang out with people and do nothing, it's better than antisocial.

You know, I just realized something as I'm writing this. I think I've been, to a degree, afraid to surround myself with friends because I have been blatantly ignored in a group before, and it used to happen quite often. I used to be  more talkative than I am now, but after a few years of ignorance, I more or less stopped offering my thoughts because I was simply told that no one cares about my presence. I told you about my homeschooling years and while I told myself that shouldn't have affected my social skills--I think they still did. Maybe I'm trying to undo that and have only been slightly successful.

All I ever wanted was some close friends with mental and emotional bonds. By that I mean I can feel free to text them about something funny I saw, made my day, bothering me, or just a hi, just because I want to talk to them and share what's on my mind. I don't even care if they judge, as long as they'll always be there and be supportive as friends. And I just want to be one of them, to them, as well.

Maybe that's too much to ask for, and maybe I'll never know.

Yea. If someone asked me about my life, I'd spill. Easily. Just because someone asked.

Ok the post is getting too long. I guess that's it for now.

Thanks again . If I see you tmw I'll give you a really big hug >.<

your story

(It took me a while but I finally found the old post I wanted to link)

Do you have a story to tell? Or rather, do you realize you have a story to tell? I remember back in the day when I said something like I feel like my life wasn't worth telling. While I did say that, look at this blog; it's all my story. Maybe it's dull to some people, but this is my life. When I look back on it, it pulls my heart strings; it gives me laughter; it sends chills through my spine; it sometimes breaks my heart to see what I went through yet glad that I did; it reminds me of the busy school days or the days that I just did nothing; it reminds me of all the great people in my life, even though they're always on my mind anyways.

It's a book with bookmarks on every page.

We had to watch a video about the Main Wabanaki-State Child Welfare Truth and Reconciliation for my Indigenous Peoples class. It talked about how the Native Indian children were taken away from their native homes by the whites because white people had this theory that those kids would be "better off" when raised by white people. Conditions ended being abusive in all ways possible, and the few who lived and are willing to share their experiences tell of the stories of the lost of humanity in a history that cannot be undone. They aimed to tell everyone their stories in hopes that it will strengthen and sooth future culture clashes, and may that history never happen again. (If you're interested in the video, here it is.)

Keeping your story is not going to help with healing.

My...friend once said this to me:

The word, to strong, so ruthless, so unforgiving. So powerful, and so weak. To think that all we know can be conveyed in words, mere shaped vibrations. So useless, so worthless. How ignorant, to think that we can better understand these symbols, than the true meaning itself. Can we not understand each other by the expressions on our faces? Can we not comprehend the looks in our eyes? Must we use such words to sum up our feelings? Surely words, however eloquent, cannot truly convey the speaker’s thoughts. Can we not look at each other, and instantly understand what the other is thinking, without the need for an explanation? “I didn't mean to say that” “that came out wrong” “I shouldn't have said that” I have a note for the perfectionists and the speakers: I didn't mean to say anything, that always came out wrong, that was never meant to be said. Can I not convey my feelings with my eyes? Will they not understand? “You know when…” “You don’t have to explain” “I know what you mean” “same as me” “all the time” Are we the only ones who say this? No. I can answer that question. No. Are we the only ones who truly mean it? That, I cannot. No words. Just a picture. Just a feeling. Just a connection. Just? Only? In our world. This strange connection. No words. Just a look, just a feeling, just a picture, just a song. Just look into our eyes. Just glance at our expressions. Just look long enough to notice the twitch in our faces. And yet I am conveying this all in words. There is no other way. We can do without. They will look at us and not know what we’re thinking. They need the words. They need these words to understand this. They do not need to know us. They only need to know our words. Our brows are our thoughts. Our lips are our tone of voice. Our expressions are our feelings. Our eyes are our words.

This kinda relates to the closeness that D was talking about. It's simple; I...no longer have such a friend around me. I put words down because it's my only way of conveying my feelings. I no longer have someone to tell my story to face to face.

This is why I write. I tell to heal.

This is why I give free hugs, because sometimes people don't know how to tell, or they don't have someone to tell their stories to. And sometimes, a hug is enough to make them feel better, a hug that says that someone cares. 

--

C, I know for certain that I'm over everything. I also realize that I haven't seen you in almost two years. You know, I don't know what will happen if I do see you. Idk what string would be tugged, what won't. I don't know if I can look you in the eye and say what I wanted to say. I mean, I don't even have the courage to open that box. And yet, I still have it on me, keeping all that love with me. But...when I do see you, what do I have to say? I don't even know what to say. There's...nothing left to be said. You'd shown me, and that was clearer than words, and I had shown myself how much of a fool I was. 

Maybe...it won't be hard, and I'm just making it harder because, well, I overthink things. 

Sorry, just had to put that down on paper. 

---

I think I'm gonna head off soon. Been sleeping too late zz I'll do brighter posts tomorrow/next time I post >.> Sorry peeps. 

fairness

MCAT's over! My 1.5 week summer has begun >:) Score comes out in 30 days or so. I think I did ok (not gonna jinx anything, ya know...) Now we can actually start doing moving shenanigans. 

---

You know, after I decided to write the song, I've been thinking about how to do it, what meaning would it have, and what kind of music would it be. I mean, it's most likely going to be a piano piece, just because that's the easiest-accessed instrument on campus once I go back. But that's just the beginning because there are obviously a lot of things I have to consider, like key, tone, mood, pace, etc. 

Even name. A name tells so much. 

I was doing a little brainstorming for its name. I wasn't sure if I should start with the name or the music first. They're two different approaches: naming it first gives the music a purpose, but writing the music first means to find a name that fits when the music is written. I thought it was different to name it, because it's mostly going to be a dedication and naming it with a dedication sounds a bit lame. 
Just about two days ago when I was heading to bed, a thought hit me. I realized that, for the past-nearly the entire summer-I've been trying to make something that's not mine, mine. I realized all of a sudden that I was being very unfair and unrealistic to myself, and it's beyond pointless. She's happy, why bother her. It's pointless to cling to things that won't happen. But it was still hard to completely let it go, to let go of the thought. I needed a closure of some sorts. 

And then I know what to name my song. I know it's going to be that closure. It's going to be Leira. 

Hopefully it won't take too long to write. 

strength of heart

You know, looking back on my life, it's come to my attention that the definition of "being strong" is slightly ambiguous. I mean, what's the usual meaning? Be strong...when something's out of control, something didn't go your way, something/one hurt you...and the you try to be strong. "Be strong" is to not do stupid things? Not to take the easy way out? Or not to show emotions? What exactly is to "be strong" ? 


I don't know, maybe it's all of these; from my experience, I think it's more to do with not showing emotion / act happy. It's where you "stay strong" and act as nothing out of the ordinary has happened. It's almost like you ignore your past and you become nonchalant. Eventually, though, it becomes a sort of thing you say that tells people that you have learned from your past and it made you "stronger." I'm not sure if this means that the same thing can't hurt me as much as it did before, or whether I'm more indifferent. I think it's a mistake to assume that something can't hurt as much as it did because the detrimental nature of the event that hurt you in the first place will definitely hurt you again, so that rules out the first question. Since it's impossible to simply abandon the past, but then the experience has changed you, and you become more indifferent than you were ever before. I don't know if that's "normal," or, for that reason, "abnormal." 


With all this random stuff, I haven't even been able to answer my own question qq. I think to "be strong" is to not be affected by whatever even you are going through, and thus keep going with life. But yes, that is simply impossible to not be affected so there begins ways  one would adopt to create that false appearance, if you will. When you start to feel too much of the event and the effect it had on your life, you "break down" and end up releasing some emotions. 


------------


ALRIGHT. I guess enough of this depressing and me thinking too much. Now it's down on "paper"... What's been going on with me...


Ahh, right, a few things. First of all (and once again), this MCAT studying has brought me to the infamous topic of physics for which I have an intense passionate hatred. Seriously, I don't care about the physics portion. Too many numbers for my own good. The biology stuff is so much more interesting and I don't see why that can't be the only subject (plus chemistry, of course) on the MCAT. I'll never use the big 4 equations anyways...and here I thought physics was no more :( 


On another note, I tried to organize a lunch outing to a chinese/japanese restaurant that's about 30 minutes away with a few friends. Only a handful friends (or like...2 people) have responded, which means that the plan is not exactly falling into place at all D: Maybe I'll just ask more people, idk...The plan is to go this Sat, which means I need to sit down and start calling people! Hah. Wish me luck now. 


Ok so, it's summer, and I'm not sure why it's been 55 degree for the past week. I guess it's fine to have a little rain once in a while, and yes I love rain, but 1) not at home, 2) it's too cold for summer, and 3) I can't do anything sport-wise. This is frustrating =/ 


I'm thinking of getting a baby guitar with nylon strings. MAYBE with a banjo capo so I can play Rylynn correctly lol. 


Oh yea, had that dream again. Heh. 


That reminds me (no idea how), I asked a few friends of mine to describe me in a few sentences because I think my bio section requires a different format. A friend sent me a poem that was absolutely hilarious, and another just wrote like one sentence. Maybe I'll ask more peeps but...we'll see if I actually get enough for a new bio. :) 


So Staples managed to screw up a project of a friend of mine a week ish ago, and now they gave me a rebate that was due a day after day of purchase. I saw the rebate section on the receipt four days after I went to Staples. What the hell, Staples QQ. 


Alright, I gotta go do chores, and then pick up my brother...later guys :) 


Btw, totally doing this when I become a doctor. 

a visit home

I went back to my home town (yea, my home town) today to see a friend, Em, who's back from college. I was early so I just read and went to mail a letter for D. God, I missed the commons. What I did find out, though, was that they are doing construction along the river...and thus my river spot also and I couldn't go read there. It was sad that I didn't get to see it =/ 

Another note, I straightened my hair. Omg it's so smooth hehehehe. I only straightened some of it (yea I don't think I'll ever get hair long enough to have a good straightening) so if I brush my hair a bit more the original fuzzy hair comes up from underneath x.x Normally, with this amount of hair I'll have to get a haircut real soon. With straightened hair, though, it's so much flatter and it actually settles! I might not need a haircut for another like...month or so. We'll see, though :) 


So how was my day? We went to grab some food, aka scallion pancakes (yes China Sky's is much better than Great Mandarin's, it's like a revelation) and some rice and dumplings. It was 3pm something when we got there so there was no one at the restaurant. Oh yea, we pretty much managed to confused the heck out of the waitress when we said we wanted to split the bill. I don't know how we did it, but she was beyond confused and I kinda felt bad haha...oh well. I guess I should probably refrain from more munny spending this summer if I don't plan on getting a job, shouldn't I..


Nevertheless, it was a good time to be getting food and talking about just random stuff. We should definitely do it again..and probably small amounts of munny next time hah...I'm going broke too, Em. 


Oh by the way, I looked through my posts looking for something that I thought I wrote and realized that I never actually wrote one. So here it is: 

I was going through my old wall posts and I came upon one post that caught my attention. It was your post about visiting me at DD last summer for coolattas (which are, btw, a way to OD on sugar but I guess it's ok). I would like to say thanks because your "I miss you" comment was the first one that did not sound obligated, a first "I miss you" that did not sound obligated or forced, if you know what I mean. Let me see how I should put this...it was the first time that I actually felt missed by someone. Yes, other people have said similar things, but for the most part those words were just words. I think it's important to out how "I miss you" is such an easy obligated phrase to say, even though I've never found myself saying that just because a situation called for such a phrase; rather, when I say it, I actually mean it. I'm not sure what went through my head when I first read that comment, but it certainly wasn't much because I only realized it after I went back and looked at it a couple more times. It was then when I realized that I knew how I felt when I read that but I couldn't put it to words at first. 


So I want to say thanks. It might not be anything to you, but it meant a lot to me. Thank you, Em. 

Oh yea! This was the A Capella cover I was talking about :)


Wow it's only 10. This is a record. Well, I think I'm gonna go take a shower and then probably a game of LoL but sleep after. Good day though :) It was good being back to my town for a bit. 

so....summer is here!

Herrro, readers, so the morning plan didn't go as expected because, well, my alarm didn't go off and I ended up sleeping in. But that's ok because I'm here to blog! Hahaha...alright enough with the justifications. 

Haha this is like me during summer, but without the vacuum

That finals week was pretty much horrendous because of the consecutive exams and the report one day after another. Thankfully though, I did very well on my orgo and that will give me at least three A's. So far looking good for my GPA :D 


Now I think of it, I actually have a lot of things to talk about. How my semester ended, my college career is now half way over, the people I met, got to know, and loved; the plans for the summer, the resolutions, the goals, plans for next year, possible minor in something else other than the science field, and so much more. 


But what I really want to get to is the people part. 


But I shall get into each topic one by one. 


My semester ended with those chaotic finals, but actually I'm gonna omit the topic of finals because I will simply end up complaining about the amount of work and stuff even though for the most part they turned out decent. My roommate and I kinda fell into this big swirl of laziness at the end of classes and a little before finals. That said, it meant like we started picking up video games and such, which was obviously not the best idea to do prior to the finals week but yet we both end up doing well (because we're beast like that, of course :D) I also learned a few new card games over that period, like Mao, Spades, and Rummy (I think there are other ones but I forget, but it's k). Also I'll be in a triple with an old high school friend next year along with Mike. We shall be living literally 2 minutes from the dining hall (and not on the atrocious hill) also so I'm definitely looking forward to that. :D 


Oh yea, it also just hit me a few days before school got out that I would be half way done with college, and then the real world will literally be in my face. As exciting as that sounds, it's a bit frightful also because I'm not sure if I can get into med school and if not, what am I gonna do? Probably some research job or graduate school. But then that experience wouldn't be real life yet, wouldn't it? Idk I just gotta kick up a few notches and bang out this MCAT this summer and the next if necessary. This means that most likely no job for me this summer *hmm*. 


Now, back to the topic I wanted to talk about. 


I've met so many new people this year. And honestly it's probably the best thing I can say about this year is sole fact that I made so many more friends this semester. It's a bit sad how we will be all scattered around campus next year but that doesn't stop friends from fun, right? 

I gotta say, I've found that the definition of love have changed numerous of times for me during this semester. From those whom I've met, the things they said, other events, what I felt from others-just many different things that shifted the once adamant meaning of love a bit. An example would be that I have constantly found myself to see if there is love around to be found, but after this semester, after being with so many lovely people and faces, I realized that I don't want a relationship because at this stage, love is too fragile to keep any two people together, and I hate that reality. I know it's different for me because I will try, but I can't say for the other person and I don't want history to repeat. Some might say that you want to experience love first, but that sort of love is not worthy. If you don't love someone enough to keep trying, why start it in the beginning? You don't just try it without committing yourself. If you try it, commit. 


Yea, I know I might be missing out on the most precious and irreplaceable feelings, but I don't want to lead myself in or be led on again when nothing was ever there. I rather not experience love if that's the cost.  


Unless someone will try as much as I do to keep up a relationship, I will not tread into that territory. 


^ Just want to lay all of that down for now. What else...ah, so this summer, need to work out, study a shit load for MCAT, take MCAT, be awesome, lots of tennis, go for a huge reunion in boston when possible...uhh....yea hopefully more fun things to come.


I'm thinking of minoring in chemistry at the moment but I'm also thinking of minoring in graphics and animation instead of chemistry. Majoring in biology and minor in animation was once my goal back in high school, so I'm reconsidering it. I'm just not sure what I need to take to do that minor. Honestly, if I end up not doing the chemistry minor I can do totally combine animation and biochemistry into one and make kickass animations. :D 


Alright I think that's it for now...damn this is a long post. Whatever! Gotta go do some chores and then hit up a friend or two for tennis :D I should be able to visit a friend of mine in Providence early next week but we'll see :) Also, I'm gonna be a book worm this summer and like finish all the books in the world or something :) 


That's it, hopefully your summer (or near summer) is coming along nicely. Catchya later~ 

more letters

I've known Gravity by Sara Bareilles for a long time now. I've listened to it for a long time, and it's always been one of my favorites. 


But it wasn't until this morning when I realized what she meant. What the lyrics meant. 

I never wanted anything so much more than to drown in your love and not feel your rain. 

It haven't rained recently, but I figured it out. Well, I don't know if that's what she meant by her own lyrics, but this is what I felt, how I interpreted it. And you know, it's right, to not want to feel your rain but get drowned in your love instead; to not stand in the rain, let the molecules soak through your clothes, your skins, your bones, your soul, yet you are only trying to feel her soul, soaking through. Rain becomes her, and you become insignificant. Yet she's rain, and that's all she is. That's all she'll ever be, the periodic rain that sweeps you off your feet when it's here, then you're left in the cold when it's gone. But for some reason, you go back into the rain when it's here again, so you can just...feel. With that said...I still love the rain. Yes, the feeling may be true, but like I said, I still enjoy it. It reminds me again that there are things in this world that can touch my soul. And yea, it alllways reminds me of you, Ariel. Hope you are having fun back home :)


I think it is going to rain this weekend. I hope a storm comes. Ariel would love that. 


I can't keep blogging for too long because I have an exam in less than 4 hours, and I need more studying so I'm going to make this short. I got your letter(s) last night when I checked mail, and I read over it after finishing a lab report last night also. I gotta say, when I took the mail out of the mailbox, I was so excited that I finally got your letter x) Little did I realize that it was roughly four letters in one envelope until I opened it, and it gave me the best feeling in the world that I got mail in the mail. I guess I just want to say that noo, we are not on break or anything, I've just been really busy at random intervals and haven't been able to really blog well enough / read / write letters. If I find a good time to do so before finals and everything I will definitely do so, in which case would be next week/this weekend. But I must say, in the least, that I missed you and our conversations. You're right, it needs to happen again, soon if not during summer. *hug* 


On another note, it's my rooommate's birthday today :) Maybe we'll get wings, maybe we won't. Probably play cards, I think. Anyways, we will sure find something fun to do after my exam at 7. 


I guess I should head off now. Gotta go to a review session in an hour and a half. Best luck to exam-takers hah x) 

this is so perfect

This.

No words. I think it was what I was looking for all along. Heh. Someone to take away my loneliness. 


Okkkkkkk back to homework.