a walk on a beach

Hah, I actually remember going to an interview for Harvard too.

That was four years ago though.

As a reflection of my undergraduate years, I’m looking back right now and I ask myself, “What happened? What do you remember? What will you miss, and what won’t you miss? What did you learn?”

Well, four years went back like a flash of light, that’s for sure, and a lot of things happened. There are some cliché things like I made friends and experienced friendship differently than I had before; that the classes made me realize my strengths, weaknesses, interests, what bores me, and for the most part compassion. Everything I experienced in college that ties closely to real life and career-choosing are for the most part both anxious and exciting. That’s part of life, though, right? I mean, I also found my love for wings and the mix of lemon and honey tea and double-bagging green tea and walks in the rain…but there are also other things I’ve learned.

I’ve seen some people change over time. I watched them change over time. Whether it involved my friendship with them or not, that we drifted or got closer, seeing this change is sometimes frightening. Maybe that has more to do with my own sense of insecurities. But in a way, it felt like a reality check whenever I am reminded how a certain friend is no longer who he/she was before. It was a reminder to make sure I am not turning into someone I don’t ever want to be. 

It is also in these four years that I learned the meaning of isolation. I have disappeared from everyone before. I woke up very early and just left for the entire day. That as freshmen year, and one person asked me where I was but I ignored her because I didn’t want anyone to know where I was. I needed to be alone and live through that isolation and feel everything that made me want to do that and from that. After that, it was almost nights after nights of solidarity because everyone has their plans with their own friends. Often times, my plans, while planned early, would simply be changed because they have a later but better plan with other friends.

And because of those nights, they gave me too much time to think, and the power of thoughts hits like a truck more often than I would like to feel them. The worst part is I would still try to get friends to do the friendship thing, but the more I try, the more time I got to overthink, and the more I do it…like a positive feedback. Thoughts like, “We’re friends because of who they are and not who I am,” “their plans are much better than mine,” “maybe I should drink more,” and “they’re just being nice” come up way too often.

The silver lining? Some people have unknowingly kept my sanity. One of them is my roommate, who doesn’t do much either but I appreciate his willingness to always room with me over the three years. Along with that, however, are some friends who have made the exceptions to my previous paragraph, and also people I’ve met online. Words really do not do you guys justice, because so often it was you guys that brought up my spirits on a night when I get the feeling of my knees giving out or curling up and not wanting to wake up forever. You know who you are, and seriously, thank you so so much for just being you. I love you guys so so much. To a great extent, you made life that much more enjoyable, and those 1 am stress moments that much less nerve-wracking.

Speaking of that, there are also many many lessons that I’ve learned about love in these four years. First of all, a lot of the times, people throw the word around so often it feels like a scratch on the back rather than a hug to the soul. I really try not to use it unless I mean it, but I’ve been on the other side, and I want everyone who is reading this to know that it is not okay to do it. Please be careful and mindful of the words you speak. Sometimes it is better to remain silence a few more seconds to pick out the better words than to impulsively open with whatever that came to your mind. Also, please don’t play with people’s feelings.

Sadly, that brings me to some regrets. I was an idiot (Cece don’t get mad at me…), I really still think that sometimes. So here I will tell you guys to not create a materialized hope for yourself. I’m not gonna really go into it, but think about what that means. If you get it, take my advice and don’t do it. I just wish I am not an idiot anymore, and that I learned what I needed to from it. If you asked me if I can go back to change what happened, however, I think I will tell you I won’t change it, only because I think a few positive things also came from it, such as I think I have learned an invaluable lesson, and that I was able to share this experience with some people. It might still be a regret, but I think it doesn’t stab me in the front more than it used to.

What will I miss, then? I honestly want to say everything (of course, other than the 3 am fire alarms and long freshmen lines at the dining commons). I think I will miss everything about college, and good and the bad. As much as there were bad and low moments, sometimes it made the good moments that much better.

Also, it reminded me that I’m really not alone in this world, and that I just need to remind myself the real focus is not of this world. I just wish more of my friends also share my faith.

                So what was college to me? Real life? Not exactly. I think it’s more like a preview, a sample package, of 90% of the emotions you will encounter in life, thrown at you with lesser or greater intensity. It was undoubtedly a life changing experience, Lord, and I thank you for every second of it. I wish to believe that I am a better person than I was before, that everything that happened was not out of luck or chance, but to make myself a better person.  

In a way, college was just a part of a beach (kudos to you if you get the reference). No matter how strong the waves are, keep walking. Maybe you will also see only one set of footprints. 

Thank you for reading :) 

God Bless. 

a letter to myself a year ago

Hey, it's the last day of 2013. If I remember correctly, you are on a mission to finish watching FRIENDS before the winter break ends. You did finish, I’ll have you know, with time to spare. 

A lot of things are going to happen in 2013, more than you can imagine. 

--

You will struggle at times with your relationship with your dad. It will come haunt you like it always has, and it will change both you and him. But you will get through it, and you will be ok. 

You will be able to meet up with an old friend to talk about life and the future. You will appreciate her in your life much much more, even though you barely talk to each other. But that doesn't really matter because you can pick it up wherever you have last left off. 

A beloved friend of yours will lose someone dear to him. It will happen so suddenly that it leaves you with a void that seems to freeze time itself. But he will be strong, and you will take that as a reality check, a reminder to testify to love whenever you can. 

You will slowly start to redefine "friends" and "perfectness." You will find out more friends have drifted from you, either because maybe they made better friends, or you were never really friends with them to begin with, and you are still trying to figure out what they thought of your friendships. But let them be redefined, because in a way it ends up doing you some good, so let it happen. Get past the confusion and hurt, you can do it. 

You will get a Surface Pro and it will carry you through work and classes more effectively than you had imagined (don't get too excited now!)

Waves of stressful anxiety with research labs will crowd your thoughts for some time, but you will get two internship interviews. You will nail both of them and get accepted to an amazing summer research internship and have a great time. It will also point you in a direction that suits your interest more than you know. And you will work your ass off for a number that you still dread its power over you, but you will keep going, whatever it takes.

You will also make something with your heart and hands that you thought you’re proud of, but it will become one of the worst mistakes you have ever made in your life. It will be you subconsciously trying to hold onto hope almost physically, but it will not only fail but you will also lose something that means terribly much to you. 

…but it’s okay, because you will learn from it… oh boy, do you learn from it. It will teach you what it really means to let go, to truly let go. Whatever you do, please...let the lesson change you for the better, and don’t let it bring you down. 

You will make a friend who will become your best friend, and please, you have to make sure that you don't let this one go, ever. I'm warning you, if you mess this up somehow I will build a time machine myself and come beat you up. 

An event is going to shake both you and the world like no other ever has. Someone sick in the heart will bring bombs to the Boston Marathon and hurt so many innocent people. It will hit home, literally, and again it will act as a reminder to show compassion to those around you. Let it speak. 

You’ll find yourself starting over, a new blog, that is, because you realize that something had changed you. You’ll ask yourself why it still bothers you, and if you miss anything. But you will realize that you don’t anymore, because you are no longer that person, and you can finally leave it all behind.

You will also learn that sometimes it is really hard to know how much something can hurt someone, and maybe, to an extent, if a lie can prevent someone hurting but hurts you some instead, think carefully before you do anything. I know you, you'd rather be truthful, but maybe sometimes it is better to lie if the lie will only hurt you, and all you have to do then is to slowly heal from it. 

You are going to get an apartment for the first time, with a sick monitor setup in the living room, and you will have the chance to learn the arts of cooking. You will love it, I tell you, so let the interest live on, and don't be lazy now! 

You will also go to your first concert, and it’s Yellowcard ‘s Ocean Avenue Acoustic Tour, too. It will change your life, and you will love them even more. Not only that but you will also meet your pen pal from England. Maybe it is the best time to meet and talk, but made it will make the experience so much more worth it.

It might not be clear or easy to tell, but you still make a few very good friends, friends who--I believe--keep you in their thoughts from time to time, and to a very large extent, they will keep you going. Their short company, small talks, and the little thoughts…they all count, more than you realize.

You will find confusion, a lot of it, because you struggle to be yourself or not. You won’t be able to decide whether you want to fight for hope, because you don’t know if it’s worth the fight. You will end up giving up because you will break again, but not as bad this time, maybe because you will convince yourself that you don’t have much to lose.

Heh, and with a little luck (and impulse, really), you are able to play Pokemon again, and bring back a childhood joy that you never thought you could experience again. 

All the most important part is...you will slowly learn how to live with the scars, and how to make peace with them. It was never your fault, and you don't have to get rid of them. They can stay in the box, and you don't have to face them again because you are not the same person anymore. You are better and stronger, and all you have to do now is carry on. 

...you will also learn that hope can sometimes bring you down, so you have to choose the right kind of hope to keep going. 

2013 will be hell of a roller coaster ride, my friend, but you will survive and learn so much. 

Carry on, my friend, and always testify. 

with a little luck

Imagine this:

You are walking down a busy street, hurrying to work, class, an interview, or a bus stop, trying to be punctual, maybe on the phone as well, figuring out what the rest of the week encompasses. You occasionally catch glimpse of the world around you, the people walking against the flow of the crowd, some just as busy, occupied, worried, determined, happy, or melancholy as you are. But you don't think about any of that, 'cause you need to look both ways before you cross this busy street to get to that building so you won't feel as terrible for missing that alarm this morning. You are so absorbed in fixing your morning that you didn't realize you dropped your umbrella. Someone picks it up, hands it to you, and it snaps you out of your little bubble as they say to you," you're gonna need this!" And you didn't even remember you had your umbrella with you.

Maybe you're in a library cramming months worth of material into your head so you have something to show off to yourself at the end of the month when you check the numbers that really shouldn't so much determine where you end up in the world. Convinced for a break, you look up from the screen to find the sleepy eyes, blank stares, and that stressed forehead rub from the other students. You say some encouraging words to yourself just as someone seems to have noticed your textbook and asks, "hey, are you in that class too? Do you know why the...," only to have you realize someone shares your confusion, and somehow it's not that bad after all because you're all trying to learn the same lessons.

The world has an interesting way of telling you certain things. Sometimes, it's a reminder, other times, a companion.

a click of the tongue, a glimpse of the horizon

Only about three months ago, I stayed awake on a trip I'd normally fall asleep, only to come back to a home I'd known for less than 2 months, to a home that I'd only know sometimes up to only 12 hours of the day, arguably half of my summer.

On my last day home of the summer of 2013, I thought I'd do a quick reflection post.

people and trials

You know the saying somewhere along the lines of "some friends stay and some leave; those who leave teach you a lesson, and those who stay are the ones worth keeping?"

Well, now I have a slightly different opinion.

the small changes

I want to point out a few small things that I have changed, or started doing, and perhaps the reasons why, as well.

To begin, I started using "bud" and "buddy" a lot (if you have known me for a while you'll know). I actually started using them because of a friend who uses it quite often. In a way, it creates a sort of bond between the addresser and the addressee, as the name suggests. I think that may have been the reason why I started doing it. I used to just use people's names, but I decided to start using "bud" if I want to express familiarity or the desire of such. I haven't decided if it's for the better or worst, yet. I mean, it enables me to interact with people easier, but at the same time it almost sounds shallow at times.

Thanks to my supervisor, I started saying "fair enough." She says it so much that about a quarter of the times it didn't even make sense. I should start a nickel jar for the times I restrained myself from saying "fair enough"...

I think I have unconsciously started to find a mental comfort place before falling asleep because I feel like it's sometimes the only way I can fall asleep. As in, it would be the only effective way to stop my mind from wondering and settle down because I am in a certain place that calms my mind and heart. I never remembered actually doing that until some point this year, I believe. Not sure if that's just plain normal or what lol

My brain refuses to do math a lot of the times. Not sure if I'm just getting lazier or what.

I think that's it for now. I bet there are more but that's all that came to my mind atm. Peace out, readers!

to walk with someone empty handed

In my heart and my soul
I give You control
Consume me from the inside out, Lord 

I was listening to Hillsong in the shower, testing my vocal range and such. All of a sudden I realized that if I ever had the chance to go see them live, I don't have any friend to go with. It made me sad.

You know, a few religious friends would be nice. I guess I gotta go find some, eh?

Meh.

a little sunset over some horizon

Wow, I haven't posted in a good while. Sorry about that.

I'm fairly certain that my last post was close to finals week, hence my semi-hiatus from blogger.

In the meantime, I've given myself two papercuts, two headaches, about 70+ hours of studying, and hopefully an A and an A- in the two icky classes.

But anyways, not to rub it in or anything but....I'M A SENIOR NOW! DONE WITH JUNIOR YEAR!

Ehem.

So what happened since my last post, and what do I want to talk about...

Oh, random note, here's one link that everyone should read.

And I guess I'll talk about my junior year for a bit I guess.

Ok so I started out using a month-by-month approach, but then that's gonna take too long so I decided to not do that. But here goes.

I started out with three roommates in a triple, and then one moved out so I got a double in a triple for the second semester. I was still doing song of the weeks, and I also wrote a small short story. I was still taking pictures of what my school serves for meals. I started to reddit.

There are a few "me" nights where I'd just get wings and watch FRIENDS and just do casual studying and what not. Honestly those nights are literally the best ones. Little things like these are sometimes what make college amazing because it's just you enjoying yourself on a perhaps rainy night.

I took six classes, and they were, for the most part, manageable. I finished all my GenEd's then, and I was really lucky to have done so. It was also when I decided to pick up a chem minor. School was ok, music theory was very entertaining; never want to hear statistics ever again; history had some mindblowing moments, and overall an enjoyable class; realized how much basic things that I needed to reinforce from chemistry, and advance organic definitely taught me all that, along with so much more; and biochemistry made me realize my interest in proteins and their native structures. That's the academic part.

That feeling haunted me then, and it still does a little. Met new friends, lost a few old friends, people drifted apart, and found really good friends.

And there's the really long text that I guess I saw coming. I'm still thankful though, I really am. I guess I'm just a little sad.

That was first semester.

Winter break made me realize that sometimes, people drift away at an incredible speed. It wasn't 5cm/sec. It definitely wasn't, at least not for this bond. I learned that friendship can sometimes be just an object that someone has to hold. Winter break was relaxing, nevertheless, and ok in that regard.

Then it was second semester.

This semester had four classes, yet incredibly difficult. Physical chemistry and biochemistry 2 were two classes that taught me the most and the most difficult ones, no doubt. I think I did ok in both, fortunately.

A very good friend's grandma passed away. I saw his dark side and it was unsettling and it hurt. I know, however, that her view from heaven beats the hell out of ours here. I'm so sorry for your lost, Z, but you are amazing simply because of who you are. While I never got to meet her, I know that I can see her in you, because you are a role model for countless, and it is only because of her. She lives on through you. I still keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

I went to this church twice, just to see if I like it. I thought it was ok initially, but somehow I didn't like how the pastor had his topics and messages organized. At the same time, I know I shouldn't be choosing to go to church based on the messages and how the pastor teaches them. Maybe I'll try going again next semester.

I was able to talk to my pen pal for a few times, and had good conversations about life.

I got a Wii and, along with that, Skywards Sword and Brawl. Best decision ever. Also, got a Surface Pro and it has been my baby. Yet another great decision, no doubt.

Aside from getting a good amount of followers on tumblr, I actually made a few friends from tumblr as well. Honestly, they are some of the best and nicest people I can ever find. I really wish I can meet them one day. I really really do (shoutout to Cece and Ann! :] )

This is also when I stopped trying. In retrospect, I don't know I still tried. Either case, though, it became clear that I couldn't be in the equation. I'm ok with it, though, because it means that she has ways and people to make her as happy as she should be. I know I'll be fighting that feeling, and I will keep fighting it until it goes away.

I realized that I used to remember a good amount of dreams, and it was sometime in the second semester that I somehow was no longer able to do so.

I picked up some alcohol for social reasons, and it has been fine.

Also, a few of my good friends went abroad in Italy, and I miss them terribly and they should totally come back.

With some reluctance, I should include the fact that the world seemed to have become more and more violent. The number of gun violence increased drastically, and it even hit home on Patriot's Day. This gun law issue is so complex that I don't really want to talk about it. I just want to say that whatever you do, focus on the helpers and the survivors, and don't give the perpetrators any more attention than they need.

Interestingly, by giving up a part of my life, it seemed to have kick-started another: after two rounds of competitive interviews, I got a summer research internship at a famous biotechnology company, and I think I also have also secured a research position on campus for the upcoming semester. Additionally, I think overall I was able to pull off ok grades in two high level classes.

People interactions used to make me feel that I was simply tagging along in conversations, hang out, and parties. Whenever I'd speak, people tend to become gradually uninterested or they would turn to another person who began another topic as I was telling mine. Sometimes, I would see this coming and would keep quiet because, well, why bother?

This year, however, proved me wrong. I don't know what's different, but I began to feel a different and unfamiliar vibe from my friends whenever topics are being discussed, arguments and opinions thrown around, or maybe just talking about that random girl whose voice could pulverize every single piece of glassware in the dining hall. A friend even told me that a few times my name simply came up, without context, during a conversation, in the form of, "oh do you know Tim?"

Overall, I learned that God works in mysterious ways. Maybe today you didn't want to get up for that one class, or that you don't want to bother answering that unimportant text. Maybe you got a bad grade and chose not to smile at a stranger or leave out a courtesy, "thank you" to the dining hall workers as you return your plates. You could have done a combination of these things, but what you don't know is how any of these seemingly-insignificant gestures could have made someone's day, ticked off someone, or made someone feel better or worse about themselves.

Now with the sun setting on this small horizon in my life, it becomes clear to me that it is not a matter of wanting a sunset, desiring beauty, or fearing change. It is, rather, how we decide to interact with people that show them who we are; it's the simple acts of being nice to someone; it is how we perceive the things we have and the people and friends around us.

Junior year is just like any other year. I don't know how 5 months flashed by  so quickly, but sometimes you want to ask yourself if you stopped to smell the flowers. I think I have, and I didn't always stare into the future.

It's the little things that matter.

It is 3am, I should head off -_____________-

Happy summer :)

mellow night reflection

I'm starting this post without a title because, well, I don't know what it should be, yet. I'll put up something when I come up with something...suitable.

I woke up rather...late today. Around 11 am, when a friend texted me saying he'll be going to the class--a review session--for questions. Yea, the class starts at 11:15 and I wanted to shower. Naturally, I chose not to go. I got up around 11:30 and showered, grabbed food around 12:30, came back, packed, and went out to study with a friend...for an exam that night.

I'l just say that it did not turn out as well as I thought it could/should/I wanted. Whatever, I guess I'll just lower my standards a bit :(

Afterwards, came back with a rather unpleasant mood but decided that I should get some wings to enjoy the rest of the night.

That was most of my day and night. Although that's not why I really want to write tonight. Yea it's almost 2 am again and I, like always, should be sleeping. But since that never happens, and that I wanna talk about a few things, I'm here. I guess I'll try to keep it short, just like life...wait no life's the longest damn thing there is. Never mind, you get the point.

I was talking to a pen pal today, just catching up and such. The topic of the future and just the idea of right and wrong--as in whether you are making the right choices in life--came up.

I don't know if anyone remembered, but my theory of...how things work, in a sense, is a "cycle" of the good and the bad. As in, when something bad happens, I believe that something good will come along to compensate that, in the future, hopefully near and apparent. Yet, I also believe the vice versa happens.

The talk made me think of how I used to make decisions, and, to an extent, how it has changed over the years. I feel like before, I just say and do what others want to hear / told me to do. I did so because I believed that was how I can make friends: to make people like me because I'm agreeable.

That was honestly a really poor way of making friends because technically, I didn't exist. I was a sum of what my friends are and want. I was like a chameleon.

Now? I do what I want. Lol.

D, it'll be ok. Everything will be ok. Don't worry too much, as that is not how one lives life.

On another note,shout up to C for being the bestest person ever. Sad how I never knew you earlier D: You are like, the best.

-----

Found this on tumblr earlier. Thought I'd share.

Sad Songs 

Once there was a boy who couldn't speak but owned a music box which held every song in all the world. One day he met a girl who had never heard a single melody in her entire life and so he decided to play her his favorite song. He watched while her face lit up with wonder as the music filled the sky and the poetry of lyrics moved her in a way she had never felt before.  

He would play his songs for her day after day and she would sit by him quietly-never seeming to mind that he could only speak to her through song. She loved everything he played for her, but of them all-she loved the sad songs best. So he began to play them more and more until eventually, sad songs were all she heard.  

One day, he noticed that it had been a very long time since her last smile. When he asked her why, she took both his hands in hers and kissed them warmly. she thanked him for gift of music and poetry but above all else--for showing her sadness because she had known neither of these things before him. But it was not time for her to go away--to find someone who could show her what happiness was.  

Do you remember the song that was playing the night we met?  

No, but I remember every song I have heard since you left.  

- Lang Leav

G'night guys :)

drift

I kinda hate how often this occurs. The drifting apart of people, intentional or unintentional.

But like you said, it happens, regardless of how much you try to do otherwise. All it takes is just a lack of effort, then you can do it.

Oh, that sounds painfully difficult, doesn't it? Got a nice ring to it as well.

I mean, you know that I'd want to say that, from what I can control and maintain, nothing will change. Yet it's gotten to the point that I don't even have a chance to say what's on my mind.

And yea, sometimes it sucks to realize that maybe you are just different people, that you tried so hard in the beginning to find a part of yourself in someone and it turns out that they're just as different as anyone else, yet the same as anyone else.

I really don't want to say that you tend to keep the friends and people who try to be in your life. Well, as cliche and sad as it sounds, I can't even refute it. I want to be able to say that, if it really comes down to it, I'll try harder, but you know, not it is no longer because it is hard to try anymore, but it is just sad how things have turned out, the realization that perhaps you have tried to save it is just...sad as well. 

Plus, you sound happy with your life, so who am I to argue?

To slide further downhill, this applies to more than one friend, as well.

Oh well, rant over.

let it be

For the past few days, it's really just been me and myself. I saw a friend, but it wasn't like a huge reunion or anything. I mean, it was nice to see an old friend. What I'm saying, though, is that while I talked to a few people on break, it brought back some old feelings that I had forgotten.

One of them is the feeling of not looking. The actuality of not expecting to see anyone really. Furthermore, it's not trying to see people who will make you happy. I almost got to see a friend of mine, but she fell ill before her break ended so that didn't work out. This time, however, it was her who mentioned that we should hang out. It reminded me of high school when others asked me to hang out more than I asked them. Nowadays, it's usually me asking people if they wanna hang, and then they'll hang. Otherwise, I pretty much won't see anyone, most of the time.

Why is that?

There is, however, a difference I need to point out. That is, the difference between being asked to hang by a friend you wanted to hear from and a friend you thought of as a normal friend. The lack of the former may distort the times the latter has occurred.

To be honest, I found myself dismissing a few of the latter occasions quite a bit because they were simply not really what I wanted, even though they still rarely occurred. Heh, I even thought to myself, "should I even be picky at this point? I should be grateful that there are people who want to hang out with me," as there is an obvious difference between wanting to hang out with someone and being ok if someone tags along.

Yea, I just wanted to get some small gestures of....idk, something from my friends, and that's why I try to do that all the time. I guess I just want a time when someone stepped out of their way for me, and not because oh they'll be there also, so I can just tag along. No I don't want to tag along. I don't really want to just be a convenience. I want to feel that I matter for once.

And yet everything I do only makes it worst because I only settle for their convenience because that's...all I've got.

But you know, maybe it's too much to ask for and I'm just talking nonsense.


I'm just trying to say that I'm trying my best to let it be the way it is. I'm not sure what else I need to learn from all of this, but I guess I'm not done learning yet and He's still got more for me.

I hope I can keep this going. I don't know if I can, but I can only...try more.

At least, for the most part, I have tumblr and my followers to brighten my day because it always feels like talking to another side of me, but different people.

Rant over.

heavy rain with a chance of freedom

On this last week before spring break, two exams stand between me and freedom. One's tomorrow, psych, and biochem is on Wed. Psych is just memorization and judging from the practice exam, I'll be fine. Biochem, on the other hand, needs a lot more studying -___-

Also, I've been getting a few new followers on tumblr. Honestly this is like the best thing ever. I'm so excited for my new followers and if one of you is reading this, you are awesome! :D

Housing next year is more or less solid. Got four roommates, got our appointments requested, and we're just waiting for roommate-formation date. There's also a chance that we'll chip in (or someone will just get the money) for a hedgehog. Yea it's not allowed in the apartment, but I'll sneak him in if I can :3 I'm sorry I just want a pet of some sorts. I want pets, damnit!

I was finally able to write back to a pen pal about two days ago, but I still have to run to the post office to mail it. That means it'll have to be on Thurs instead, if I have time. If not, I'll have to mail it after I go home. Ughhh, I feel terrible for the late reply. :(

When I get back, I'm definitely bringing up my guitar. Oh gawd do I regret not bringing it up this semester >.> Can't believe I thought I would be ok with it q.q

---------------------------------------------------

I'm pretty sure you know, that I always want to talk to you. But you see, I know that you're very busy. Or, rather, you want to be busy, in a way. Yea, I know you pretty well, and even so I still use my "standards" to analyze your response, or lack of. I'm not sure why I still do that because that just doesn't work and it only makes me sad.

I know you cannot possibly wait for spring break, because this one in particular is a dream come true. I'm so happy and excited for you, and I wish you the bestest break ever. And I guess what I'm saying is that I just hope you didn't unfollow me on purpose and that you didn't reply to my texts because you feel obligated to do so. I haven't seen you in a while, and all I wanted to do was to say hi and see how you're doing, and to wish you a good week and to get enough rest so I can always see that stunning smile of yours.

Yea, I do miss you, but that's normal, heh I bet you know that anyway. I won't really do anything to show that I used to wish that you miss me too, but I don't anymore. Yea, whenever I get a text I still hope it's you, but I know 99% of the time it won't be. I know it'll take me a little longer to no longer wish that anymore, but I'll get there.

I guess that's enough on this topic. Maybe the next time I see you, if the time works out, I'll hug the crap outta you :3

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently it's gonna pour tomorrow, around noon ish, for about 5 hours. Oh man I've been waiting for the rain for like weeks. If it's still there after my work shift, and if I have time, I'll go feel the rain.

Alright it's almost 12:30, I think I'll watch a little of Up and then shower then bed. Exam at 9:30 in the morning!

Oyasumi, readers.

just listen

Sorry fora near-week break from blogging. Not sure why I just didn't blog for a little bit. I was busy at times but wasn't overwhelmed. I mean, I posted after my hell week too. Oh well haha, probably just didn't have enough things to talk about.

Alright, first thing's first. Status on getting a Surface Pro. There's a damn good chance I won't be getting that anytime soon, for several reasons.

1. I just...don't really have the money. Plus the fact that there's that one week delay in my paycheck and I think it's more or less screwing with my saving plans. 
2. Even when I do save up enough for it, one purchase will basically turn me homeless, wallet-wise. I mean I could get BestBuy's cc and do a monthly payment method, but do I really need another card? 
3. This reason is actually real (I didn't want to admit it before but I should). Basically, I've gotten into a habit (I guess it's a habit now) of getting wings like once every week or two. They don't cost that much, but at this rate it'll simply take me an eternity to save up. 

Damnit it's almost 2am again. Ok I'll just write something else real quick and then head off. 

Another note: I got some whiskey from a friend, called Fireball. Delicious, haha. 

Over the past few weeks, after every Tues and Thurs shift, I basically have to grab dinner by myself because I get out at 8pm and no one eats that late (people either eat early or mad late). So I've been more or less eating alone on those days. 

It all reminded me how I enjoy eating alone. How I enjoy being by myself. I love walking by myself. I love reading by myself. I love solitude, because I can get to know myself, clear my head,  and understand my thoughts better. Sometimes, just listening to the background noise of life is soothing to the soul. 

While all that is great, there are so many things I miss about people. I miss so many people, people I haven't seen in years, months, days, sometimes hours. Maybe I do get tired of my own soul when I begin to miss people. The thing is, having company is simply a magical thing. 

Yea so I'm just saying that I miss people. >.>

And yes, I tend to want to hug the crap out of people. No shame. 

I should get on writing and sending a letter as well. Damnit Tim get your shit together zz 

On yet another side note, I've actually been very psyched about making friends on tumblr. They have been making my week all week long :3 

But yea, heading off. 

all the bright things

Basically, I don't have my facebook for a week. I gave it up for a week ish, for this hell week.

What can I say so far? Well, I still check the website, that's for sure. I feel rather disconnected from the world and my friends. Can't believe I'm saying this. Yea, a lot of my friends are on facebook because, well, that's just who I have so, shrug.

But yea, maybe I'll ask my friend for my facebook back around Friday or something, after everything's done.

Before I head off, I want to share this song if you haven't heard it. 

Yeah, whoever the last guy was who spoke last in the first video, that's exactly  what I would do, no doubt. Spend it every millisecond with the people I care about (not love because it's overrated, I'd rather say "care about"). 

Every night until last night, but no more because I need something real *smiles* Now I think about it, it's a bit ironic that I only made 55. All the foreshadowing x.x. 

Nevertheless, nothing will stop me from spending time and being with the people I care about!

Oh yea, like I said, didn't send the card. Lost my motivation to do so. Welp. 

--------------------------

Plan for tomorrow: two classes, lunch, major psych studying, maybe nap, dinner, more studying, dead. Sounds good. 

Oh, I'll do a post on the new layout of my dorm tomorrow. :) 

G'night, readers. 

lit

Just made a tumblr post about imagining a puppy or a dog jumping onto my bed and snuggle beside me as I begin to blog.

Ohhhh man I want a dog :(

Woke up tired.

Understood most of my PChem and (surprisingly) biochem lectures.

Had a career fair irrelevant to my major.

Productive study time in the library.

Bruised my thumb from sliding open buttons on my jacket.

Went to tutor for PChem and came back just as confused.

A friend asked me today about my blog posts.

Found Umass Compliments.

Parents advised me to find monthly-payment options for Surface Pro.

------------once again blogging in my friend's room because my roommate's asleep------------

You know, I think I didn't expect the topic to come up. But then again I don't really expect anything usually anyways. Was it a pleasant surprise? I guess so. This was the first time someone talked about what I post.

Maybe I do sound depressed, I don't know. but then again it's something I feel like I've lived with for so long that I don't even consider it "depression" anymore. The thing is, just as what John Green said, " pain...it demands to be felt." You said the sadness I feel isn't normal sadness. Maybe that's right, maybe it means that it's been there for too long and it's turned into a different kind of sadness. Maybe it's something that I keep trying to ignore and learn from but it turned into something else. I don't know. I really don't know.

Maybe I post more about things that upset me than about joyful events. I should try to do more happy posts.

I want to apologize if I made you worried, because that's definitely the last thing I'd do. Thank you, though, for bringing it up. Maybe I'll go talk to someone, but I guess I'll try my best to be more optimistic before to see if it works. Being and talking (not necessarily sharing) to friends already help, and you definitely do.

I really really hope that I do the same for you too, 'cause you know I would not hesitate in the slightest.

I think I just need more fun in my life, and by that I don't mean the occasional video games or movies. I want to have fun with friends, with you. That's what matters. Even if I just hang out with people and do nothing, it's better than antisocial.

You know, I just realized something as I'm writing this. I think I've been, to a degree, afraid to surround myself with friends because I have been blatantly ignored in a group before, and it used to happen quite often. I used to be  more talkative than I am now, but after a few years of ignorance, I more or less stopped offering my thoughts because I was simply told that no one cares about my presence. I told you about my homeschooling years and while I told myself that shouldn't have affected my social skills--I think they still did. Maybe I'm trying to undo that and have only been slightly successful.

All I ever wanted was some close friends with mental and emotional bonds. By that I mean I can feel free to text them about something funny I saw, made my day, bothering me, or just a hi, just because I want to talk to them and share what's on my mind. I don't even care if they judge, as long as they'll always be there and be supportive as friends. And I just want to be one of them, to them, as well.

Maybe that's too much to ask for, and maybe I'll never know.

Yea. If someone asked me about my life, I'd spill. Easily. Just because someone asked.

Ok the post is getting too long. I guess that's it for now.

Thanks again . If I see you tmw I'll give you a really big hug >.<

skype

I asked a good friend of mine if she wanted to Skype and just chat a couple of times. She replied a few times but only said that she's either not at her laptop, she's outside, or busy. I think I'm just gonna go with the idea that she doesn't want to Skype me and has better things to do. :(

You know, I think in retrospect, I think we were good friends because we're just nice to each other. That make us fall into the category of "friends," not because of who the other is but rather who we are individually.  

Because this actually makes sense now.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh well. This is pretty much my life anyways.

back to real blog posts

I feel like I haven't really really blogged in a while. Actually, as I am writing this I'm suddenly feeling quite lonely, not sure why. But anyways, I'm blogging as I watch theRadBrad's walkthrough on Silent Hill 3. I have the Win7 split screen going on here.

Deep breath, deep breath.

Ok, first thing's first. My new roommate. Or should I say, my non-existent new roommate.

It's been almost a week and he still hasn't showed up. I think by today his appointment got cancelled, but today is also the beginning of the room swapping period. This lasts for a week, therefore by next Thursday, I think it's safe to say that we'll have a double if no one moves in!!

I can't find the closet to put my extra bed frames after I unlofted my bed. Apparently it's somewhere in the basement but I can't find it. I was also told that I could open the closet with my dorm key (I do not understand why they would do that if it's true), but I tried all the doors (yes, like a creepy person) and was unsuccessful. -_____-

Oh yea, lab. I may not appear to be too occupied by this, but honestly I'm stressed out of my mind because of this lab thing. I'm taking 12 credits without the lab right now, but honestly I really really want a lab for credit so I can just take 3 classes for 9 credits and 3 from lab. But I'm already signed up for 4 classes for 12 credits and prepared for the worst, which is not getting into a lab.

Right now, it really doesn't look like anyone's hiring any research assistants, and/or the fact that the few ones that are are more ecology related and that's my least favorite science subject. I don't know what to do. I guess I can only just email more professors who may (but honestly I doubt) have openings in their labs.

Gawd I'm so stressed out.

It's been absolutely freezing out, with temperatures about zero degrees and negative wind chills. I have an 9-am class tomorrow and I'm not really looking forward to going into frozen tundra. I don't wanna die yet >.< At least my room is nice and warm...too warm, at times #firstworldproblems

Also, my friend who's going abroad in Italy visited before leaving on Sunday. Went just all hung out and went downtown to a new restaurant and hung out more. It was a good night :)

What else...I don't remember what else to talk about, so I guess this will be all for now. I'll blog more tomorrow x)

---

Falling into this whole spiral again, damnit I just wanna scream.

A friend said he wants to be happier and more fun this semester, as a person, as a friend. I want to do that too. I really do. But I don't know how, I really don't.

Sometimes I hate myself.

definition

I've been thinking a lot about how I used to define my friends, and I realized that there's almost an algorithm that I follow. It goes something like this:

If I plan something, who comes to mind first, second, etc? Yea this depends on what the activity is but basically it's a priority thing. Vice versa, if a friend plans something, would I come to mind first, second, etc, or not at all? The second question here doesn't seem fair, but yet true to an extent. The thing is everyone has an older friend, a closer friend, and for some reason I wanna be that person, like all the time. I was pretty selfish, eh?

Another thought process is similar, as it has to do with someone to chat/talk. That is, if something happened that I wanted to share, or just to bug because friends do that, who would I text? A better question, who would be willing to do that and knows that I am doing so because I value that friendship this much? And vice versa, once again, would anyone text me just because they wanted to tell me something that happened in their life? I can only think of a handful, maybe four people, who do that.

I finished The Fault in Our Stars and The Time Keeper just this week, and they reminded me of how I used to define my friends. I'm not really saying that I have changed these ways, because I don't think I have changed much. I am now saying that I want to. Yes, it may make sense to want friends who do these things, who like to share their life with you and not just someone to say hi to; who would think of you when they wanna go see a movie or grab a bite; who want your opinion on a movie, a person, or that outfit; who want your advice on something even if they probably won't listen to you and you know that, but they ask anyway; who let you know of the great books or places they just read/went to because they want to share those also.

These are the little things that I wished and looked for, and from experience that's much too high of an expectation for the most part. Sometimes, these expectations fell short, I started to hate myself because I thought I must be the reason, that I'm boring and annoying or something.

But why am I even asking them for anything? That defeats the purpose of those friendships, doesn't it? All those things should come from both sides naturally and mutually. Ha, even that's too much to ask, now that I just heard myself speak. I'm sorry, it's getting sad to hear all this because everything still sounds selfish as hell, because it sounds like I'm both not acknowledging the fact that my friends have other (closer) friends and yet acknowledging them but very jealous of them.

But I digress.

I wanted to say that from now on, I will try my best to not notice these things, to just appreciate what I have, and try to strengthen them. The last thing I wanna do is to lose these bonds that I didn't before I came here. Even though sometimes I really feel like I'm trying too hard and I just want to say, "screw it, I'm better off by myself," and even though I may feel that again, I will try to put off those thoughts and think of the times when I was part of something.

Because, to be honest, I really do have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and yet I was asking for more.

Who I am hates who I've been

I love you all, you know who you are <3


Rant over.

stories

Recall those new years resolutions everyone makes? Well, for me, I just wanna say one thing: I will strive to know my friends better, and their stories. Not sure if I should just be like, "hey so, what's your story?" Idk, I'll figure it out.

view from heaven

I had a texting conversation with a friend of my last night. He was with his grandma and keeping her company as she slept. We chatted for a little, and I decided to head off 'cause I was having trouble keeping my eyes open. We ended the conversation around 1 am, I fell asleep until 1:40 ish, woke up to brush, and then finally went to bed around 2.

Now looking back, it was only 24 hours ago that we're talking about being excited of going back to school, that things seemed...ok. Well, maybe not, but you could feel some optimism, at least. Talking to him is always a warm and comfortable experience.

When he told me he was with his grandma, I thought it was just such a nice thing to do. It was totally him, though, and I wasn't surprised in the slightest bit. He is an amazing company and friend, and anyone's lucky to be in his company. Yet, among all the optimism, there's that little voice inside that said to me, "maybe his grandma's not feeling well." I knew where that thought was going, so I simply dismissed it because I did not want to follow down that train of thought.
I thought about texting him earlier today to ask him how's she doing, because I had asked him to say hi to her for me, but he told me she's asleep.

Wasn't long after that I learned she had passed away, the night before.

When I saw his fb status, I found myself saying, "No, no no no no no, please no, I just talked to him last night, I thought she was fine...how...why..."

I just sat there for about 5 mins, trying to figure out what I should...say.

I texted my friend to give him a text hug, and to let him know that I'm all ears if he ever wants to talk or anything. I didn't want to ask anything more. He's going through enough already; he doesn't need more texts to answer right now.

I want to dedicate this post to him and his grandma.

Zach, I am so so sorry for your loss. You are an absolutely amazing person and friend. Your spirit in all that you do, your thoughtfulness, warming personality, and your kind soul are things more than anyone could ask for.  I never got to know your grandma, but knowing you, she must be nothing short of the things I mentioned. I bet she would not regret to have been your grandma in the slightest, but rather know that because you are her grandson, she can live on, not only in your and your family's heart, but, more importantly, through you and your family.

I'll be praying for you and your family. I pray for your comfort in the midst of sadness and heartache. I pray for understanding and the wiping of tears. I don't know why she was taken away from us so unexpectedly. Maybe no one has an answer. That may be the case, but I know I am sure of two things: she must be darn proud of you for who you are and your irreplaceable character and soul, and that her view from heaven must beat the hell out of ours here.

Love you Zach, you are the best. I'll be praying for you and your family.