memories

Hey

It's been a while.

I'm going to start using this blog again, because I think it's a better place to put down my thoughts than tumblr.

Cheers.

white canvas

This was an old post, but I'm bringing it back.

-----
Sept 21, 11

So I was, like I usually do, surfing imgfave between my working schedules, aka after my mythology and anthropology class and before my orgo class. It wasn't long until I came upon a picture of something staring at a couple of white canvases, with text all over it. It's not exactly this one but this is a similar one without any texts:



Well, the texts on the original image that I saw said "TOO DEEP FOR YOU." It was great because the person standing in front of it looks like he's blanking out or confused. What would someone think of if he/she finds himself/herself standing in front of the canvas? Was that person thinking about the color white? Maybe why it is "blank"? But is it blank? Does "blank" mean it's "empty"? Why would the painter (if he is still considered as having "painted" it) "paint" something blank, or rather, leave the canvas empty?

My first reaction to that wasn't why he did any of that, though. I imagined myself standing in front of the canvas, and I simply started filling the canvas with scenes from my own life, or scenes I want to see in my own life. I saw myself, who I were, who I am, and who I want to be; the fact that I saw a blank, empty canvas, I immediately thought that I could fill it with something artistic of my own. I didn't see emptiness in the painting, but rather it illuminated some of the blank spots somewhere in me that I wish were there.

And honestly, it turns out to be a face.

What would you have run through your mind if you were there?

cramped and cramped

Sitting here, wind blowing out the window, trees swaying, leaves shot up in their journeys, carefree cars,  warmth coming down, music playing, syllabi pasted all over the wall, inside-out ring, unfinished readings.

This post is for a friend of mine.

You said you want to know what people feel. The happy things, the sad, melancholy; the laughter, tears, frustrations, confusions, misunderstandings, jealousy...everything that's felt, with open or closed eyes, with whole or broken hearts, with logic or without, with him, or her, or you.

That is the also the reason why you talk to me, right?

Did you also mean that you want to feel them too? I'm not sure because you didn't say. And because those two are very different.

I'm not sure how to phrase this other than you talk to me out of curiosity, and I'm not sure what to think of that.

I think I still am naive. I thought that I could easily put this behind me, but everything and everyone I see will remind me of something. Yes, even you.

And damn, I told you how deep it was. I told you how much I loved her. You told me yours. Maybe yours was deeper than mine, but it was the deepest I've felt. Or maybe it was a different kind of depth, because what I felt was how love could heal, how perfect it can be, and then how powerful it can cut twice as deep again.

I don't know about you, but I don't jump in and out of people's lives.

I know some of your story, and you know mine. Maybe we have helped each other through something, I don't know. But honestly, I don't even know if I miss you. Sorry to being rather brutally honest, but it's what I feel.

But again, you most likely don't read my blog. Rather, who does anyways? I wonder who reads this. I really do.

People change. It's not because they learn certain something from others, I don't think, but rather they already have it in them, and encounters simply bring out those beliefs and make them more applicable and practical than they have been. Those beliefs may not be desirable, but maybe they work for whatever circumstances.

Yes, my mind is really cramped.

I most likely won't even read this anymore after typing this out. Just because it's too chaotic.

Now I'm even more interested as to who reads any of this.

But I guess I just want to wish you luck in all that you do. 'Course, you might come to me when something happens, and that's fine with me, since I guess those will only be the times when I can see you. And congrats, on a few things, since you are in my opinion one of the lucky ones.

Later, E.

--

I didn't wait for change. I worked to make it happen.

I want to be able to move on to the point that I no longer feel anything when I think about the past. I don't know if that's possible. Maybe this is too naive. Maybe I just need to feel whatever I feel every time I've reminded of all that, and not be affected. Make my feelings. Maybe that's what I need to work on.

Maybe I should work on getting zero view in 48 hours so the graph thing is flat.

Wasted too much time here, later, mind.

 

productive or overwhelming?

Original plan was that I could relax after my ecology exam. But noooo, I have so much work also due within the next two days: anthropology reading, physics, physics LAB, and orgo OWLs. I just finished orgo and gonna start anthro like now. It's just so much work and I want a nap instead. =/

CRC in like 25 mins. Heading down now....

a bit spontaneous

Idk, I was falling asleep and it just randomly hit me. I should be asleep but I just had to put this down.

A new floormate I befriended recently had a status that was about cuddling, saying that she likes cuddling and what's the matter with that? I responded with a picture of a ginormous dog being cuddled by a girl and said, of course, nothing is wrong with liking to cuddle.

But then it just occurred to me. Why do we even hug? Who do we hug, and WHEN? It's when things aren't well, isn't it, when we need them the most. Do we hug because we want to love? Be loved, since hugging means being hugged also? Now comes the tricky part: When do we actually go for hugs? When should we? Just like my anthropology class mentioned today, it differs from culture to culture, but for most of us, hug and being hugged is normal. But do we want to hug/be hugged or to cuddle/be cuddled? With this question, the act of hugging someone has turned into the different levels of love you give and receive. It gets complicated, doesn't it: If you hug, you get a hug; if you cuddle, you might either get a hug or a cuddle back, because you can tell if the other person wants to cuddle or not.

Now when I think back to that question, the answer is a bit different. It's just too naive to think that you would get the same level of love back simply from a hug. You can really feel it. It is nothing wrong with it, because if you want to give some love, it's the simply way. But if you're looking for something in return, then look elsewhere.

Yes. It is not like everyone always want to give cuddles. Hugs are still different from cuddles, because the two deliver different messages.

Now I feel like I know why I felt...spontaneous about this...

pce.

some love in the world

It happened so unexpectedly and took us both by surprise. We both were hesitant about the situation but it just worked. The secrets and sneakiness made the thrill of it all so much more exciting! It was easy, it was simple but it was new, it was exciting and was fresh. It was different from anything we had ever felt before. Right now, though, I feel weak. I feel clingy, but it's never hit me this hard before. I don’t want to regret not saying things to you before you leave, so here it is…..

This thing between is unexplainable. It cannot be described because I can’t seem to be able too. The words and the concepts just don’t seem to match what it actually is. Every time I got a text or thought about you my stomach would get all funny, like there were butterflies where organs should be. I felt like a little kid again.

If I didn't know any better I'd say I'm falling in love with you but enough to know that the adventure your about to go on is one that I’m not going to hold you back on or make things harder for you. I’m so excited for you but so incredibly sad to see you go. You have taught me so much and made me feel like I have something to look forward to again in the future. Don’t be scared or nervous because being young is such an exciting time and you officially have the world at your feet, the world is now your oyster.

The time I have spent with you has made me look forward to the next time we see each other, whether it be tomorrow, next month, next year, 10 years from now or when you finally return from this exciting journey your about to take part on. It is the best feeling knowing that some of your best days are just waiting to be lived out. Doing anything with you seems extraordinary to me.

I’m lucky to say I have you as a friend. I’m proud of you because you’ve never let me down.

While it lasted we had some of those things some people are yet to experience. We are the lucky ones, to meet somebody and get along so well instantly. To have a crazy connection with somebody you barely know but it’s something you hear people talk about and read about. While we had it it’s was real, it was great, it was really great.

What are two years, 730 days, 17520 hours? I want this letter to be something you can read and feel like you miss me but remember I’ll be seeing you soon, no goodbyes or never seeing each other again just I’ll miss you until you come back. We could have had a great story but instead this is it for now and what happens next is up to this huge universe.

Whatever you choose to do in your life to be, you will do amazing things, I may be young, I may be foolish, I may be naïve but you have so many experiences and times to come that will blow you away. I hope you keep in contact and make me jealous about all the amazing times you experience in Canada. Make memories that will make you speechless. Blow yourself away with the things you can achieve and surprise yourself. Do crazy things just to say you did them. Let yourself be wild, live with no regrets but be true to yourself.

The times we spent together and the little memories we shared I will keep them close until there is another time to make new ones again. I want that night where we laid in your bed with nervous hands, our shoulders touched and you kissed me and I couldn’t stop smiling.

And we are stronger than we think.

So I will move on. But I just needed you to know that I think of you. And miss us. But I am moving on. I hold a place for you, that is filled with pain and love and forgiveness.

I forgive you for hurting me and for not knowing that you did. I wish you the best. Maybe if the timing had been different...maybe if you were different..

Maybe we'll never know.

 

Le Love

anonymous

I used to look at her feed and think she always picked the perfect nail polish. Staring at her jaw line and her eyelashes she was exactly how I always pictured my girlfriend to look. Flipping her hair to one side, her mouth half open she looked up from her book, paused and said with a snip, "what?!?"

"I'm just looking." I countered, startled I was caught in mid-lurker gaze. Truth is, I wanted her to notice because I was too much of a pussy to look at her head on for any other reason. This is the moment that I remember. The moment that was the most intense. The moment both of our faces looked at each other head on. The drives, the movies, the sex...you never realized just how rare it is to hve two people look directly at each another.

I took advantage of the moment; I breathed in her exhale and felt the swoon they speak of in books. Like your hair is slowly melting across your forehead causing your eyes to close and your chin to lift.

God himself couldn't envision anything so pristine.
She was made for forehead kisses.
She was made to accentuate reflected light.
She was made to float when she walked.
She was made good.
Good enough to love someone who didn't deserve her love.

She was made for me.

- anonymous

8 hours left, gonna get a good night sleep.

 

- if only the sky knows your feelings

 

new beginning

What I learned? I'm actually just talking to a friend about this.

It's about confidence. When one says that he or she will always be there for you, it's saying that they will be there for you but they won't be there for you. Oxymoron? Yep, you know it. So what does this depend on? That friendship, because it only means friendship. The friend zone? Oh yea, big time.

What's the big deal? Well, you have one chance with any one person, pretty much. Like I used to say, I'd rather stay platonic. But you know what, I'd rather lose than not know the truth. The truth that says this is not the right person and miss it. I'm not afraid to lose anymore. If it's not the truth then it's not worth keeping. If something's on your mind, say it. If you think something might hurt someone, well it will no matter what or how you say it, and dragging on such a thing can only make things worse.

Platonic means nothing more than the tightest friends. And I've learned to try and shoot for it in a different way.

Like someone says, friendship isn't worth it if you are not happy with it. There's only someone who I deserve, and vice versa. I"m not saying this in the sense that I don't care about people's feelings, but simply because there's nothing I can do, and since from past experience, saying can only get you so far, I will always say whatever's concerning me, to the right person. I should be happy with or without others. I can be happier with people, maybe more with certain people than others, and that's totally fine, but now I can be happy with myself. They can't affect me as much as anyone can before. I won't let anyone do that ever again as much as before. Does that mean things have changed? Maybe for me, but I'd like to think and put it as here are more important things at hand, and that is whether I'm happy with myself.

And then maybe I can begin to trust people more again. And that is a good thing.

There's gonna be a lot of new people, and it's gonna be great. 'Cause all they have to know, if they ever will, is that if I give out my heart, they will have all of it.

This is the last time. Everything will now be behind me. I'm marking this a new beginning.

---

So, pretty excited, so far I'm certain that I got my position as a chemistry lab TA for the fall semester, and I am absolutely wicked excited about it :D Also got an appointment set up for a position as a OIT tech person, helping people with computer / technology problems. Oh if I do get both jobs it's gonna be so exciting next semester.

Last day of work today, went pretty well. Chilled at Starbucks a little with a friend; visited high school, etc.

Might LoL a bit later, if not, going straight to bed. Or maybe I'll just chill, 'cause I don't have to wake up early anymore hehe :)

 

illuminated

Some people find happy things. Some people make happy things. Either good things happen to you, or you make the best out of the things you have, or maybe both. Or maybe neither of the two happens to you.

Many happy things happen to a lot of people. I know a few of them. There's not much I can say or do but that I'm happy for you. All of you. There is nothing more.

----

I think that is just exactly how it is. And honestly, it's really what it is. You can do whatever you want, say whatever you want to say, etc. But if no one is looking for anything, from you, you won't make a difference. Sometimes it works with memories, where you start looking for something and what you find would be those things that people and you did exactly. What you did. What people did.

But if people don't look in the first place, there is no memory established.

I think this is why I still blog. In case people start to look. Start to look for something illuminated.

What are the odds of that? Slim, I tell you. I mean, I don't even want to bother knowing any of this. Who does?

 

lettersI'llneversend

When I say I’m over you, I’m not saying that I don’t Love you anymore. It doesn’t mean that I don’t remember those amazing times we’ve spent together or that I don’t occasionally long for the happiness and joy you brought in my life. When I say I’m over you, it doesn’t mean I don’t think about you throughout the day or that it wouldn’t hurt to see you again or to hear your beautiful voice. It doesn’t mean that my Love for you will wane or that I will ever stop caring about you. You were a significant part of my life and I would be ashamed of myself to ever pretend that you weren’t.

But when I say I’m over you, it means I’ve received with perfect clarity and understanding that I was meant for someone else, and so were you. It means that I’ve accepted the fact that you have moved on and will not be returning, and so further pursuit of your heart will only result in deeper scars in my own. When I say I’m over you, I’m saying that I have learned to be happy without you and know that I can Love again when the moment is right. Yeah, the thoughts of you being with another guy hurt, but that’s because of the bond we had developed over nearly six months. However, if you can find the perfect guy who makes you happier than we were and who will help you grow in maturity and in your faith, then no one will be more supportive or happy for you than I.

I AM over you, and I have moved on. I still Love you, but I see now that we will never be. I could never make you happy in the manner you made me happy, because I know I don’t have what you are looking for. And I want to let you know that I am finally okay with that. I have never said a bad word against you or sought to tear you down since we broke up seven and a half months ago. And since then, I have been intent on guarding your heart and attempting to shield it from as much pain from me as possible, despite the attacks mine has endured. For nearly six months I gave you all my Love; now I pray for your happiness to be complete in your future husband, that he may give you what I didn’t have and more, because you are more than worth it. I have healed and I have let you go, however I will never forget the way you used to Love me, though it seems so long ago, because it gives me hope that maybe someone else can Love me too.

I wish you well

I think this is what it means.

words are no longer anything

Be a filter, not a sponge.

It feels like this:

I know Patrick will be around, but I'm afraid that since he isn't sad, he won't want to spend time with me.

Isn't it strange the times people choose to be generous. Isn't it.

How do you feel infinite?

Why am I doing this again.

You have no idea how much those simple words meant to me. I had no idea how much those simple words meant to me.

We all say to not look into the past. But we look into the future because of the presence of one's past. We all say not to dwell in the past, but we are always dwelling in the experience and memories so that we may go forward knowing either you will find the same positive things or different and more hopeful things.

Words are no longer anything.

Should I believe you? Will I allow myself to believe you? It wasn't you but I have believed words once and words were nothing.

It's like I would die for myself but I can't live for myself 'cause I've lost so much faith in words.

But I'm still writing. I even imagined myself at one point to write all those letters like that.

Are these the letters, just like those?

The tricky thing is, the way it was written, it was for the reader, for me. for you. There's nothing anonymous.

But then everything is also anonymous, isn't it.

But, as messy and ambiguous as everything is, I am both happy and sad and I'm still trying to figure out how that could be. Maybe it IS because I accept the love I think I deserve, even though I don't know what that is.

Or maybe it's because I don't know what I deserve.

I'm gonna go to the airport one day. I'm gonna stay there for a few hours. Quite a few hours. And just watch. I want to see people reunite. I want to see people run to each other, the kissing and the crying, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all the change; the hugging, the bringing together, the end of missing someone. Because there's not much of these in my life.

I write about what I lived. Words other than those are no longer anything.

one month

 

why am I here?

Tim why am I here?

I told you that you wanted to get away. I think that was what you said. Did you say that? Did you mean that? Did you know what you said? Because I was at the movies, and your text distracted me and got me thinking.

Why am I here?

Am I here to do something? Or should I be somewhere else and I'm not? Did I miss a chance somewhere? Should I be trying something else?

Yea, I don't know the answer to any of those questions. We're just alive, right? I think I'm trying to make something worthwhile. Not sure what, but this gives me something to do and live for; I'm doing stuff. Is that the case for you?

I don't think you read this really, but I might just link you back here.

You know, I think you did say that you wanted to get away, because I remember me thinking the same thing, of getting away.

Well, I'm moving, so I think it's my turn.

Why don't I blog as much anymore? It's not that I have nothing to say. Or because I didn't want to talk about my day. It's because if people wanted to know they'd ask, so I don't bother.

I guess we're all just alive and about.

You got away...is it working?

Gonna peace out. Work tomorrow.

just this.

http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2011/06/reaching-in-dark.html

Anyway, to all the people who have found it, my hat is off to you. I hope you know how lucky you are to be experiencing one of the most amazing things in the world, I’m sure you do. and as for me, I will continue on with my life, doing the things I love, that feel right, and hope for the best. they say the best way to find love is by doing what you love, and I suppose I’m trying my best to do that right now. so maybe.. maybe, one day everything will fall into place. and if not, I’ll at least have the things I truly love to keep me occupied.

 

 

 

 

heavy boots

I realized something, kinda big.

I realized that I forgot what love feels like, and I intend to keep it that way. Specifically, I realized that it's more of the loving others part that I'm starting to forget, and I think I need to keep it that way for a while. I try not to remember the life that I didn't want to lose but lost and have to remember. It used to fill my heart with so much joy, even if the joy wasn't mine. But with that life, my life story was happening faster than my life. Just as it is, a friction began to arise between Nothing and Something, in the morning the Nothing vase cast a Something shadow, like the memory of someone you've lost, what can you say about that, at night the Nothing light from the guest room spilled under the Nothing door and stained the Something hallway, there's nothing to say. It's true, it became difficult to navigate from Something to Something without accidentally walking through Nothing. In the middle of all of this inevitable mixing of Nothing and Something, you still find the need to disappear in the middle of everything, Something, because I was more alone than if I had been alone.

I had company because I can be the company and not so much the other way around. Was it ever the other way around?

I get heavy boots, too, Oskar. But I can't change the Sahara Desert.

I am no long waiting. Everything's different, and there's enough Nothing already and it's impossible to go through the day without a train of thought of Something not involving Nothing.

I'm going to start loving myself and myself only. I'm going to make myself things and not always others. I'm bitter, and colder, but I'm also stronger.

I'm gonna be better to myself.

I felt, that night, [...] incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming?

miracles

I just had the realization that I think I'm waiting for a miracle. That I'm still waiting. But I don't know what. I still wait though, and when I do it, I just want to sleep, because waiting is draining my life. That's probably why I get so tired. My head tells me that I'm tired of waiting, but that's all my heart wants to do.

If I love you enough to let you go, would you love me enough to come back?

Stop thinking that please.

But whenever we talk it feels like I'm falling for you again. What do I do?

embarkment

I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together and the end of missing someone

I forgot this quote. I just remembered it after seeing people packing up and leaving today. People leaving and heading home, leaving friends even though they might see each other again over summer or simply wait till next semester. There were last meals shared, hugs exchanged, and love felt.

Makes me wonder why don't people do that more often on the daily basis.

Freshman year has ended as of 2:30 today, after my biology final. Some people already left, some people leaving tomorrow, some the day after that. Tonight will be my last night here. I'm going to miss people. As much as I don't want to, I will.

And you know what, I think I will only be able to hang out with you little by little. I'm healing, and I don't think I can ever heal if I keep getting hurt. I'm thinking of telling you the whole story, but I don't know what that would accomplish. But it's keep popping up my mind because I...still want to be friends, and in that sense, I feel the need to share my story with you, even though...you're in the story. But...is it fair to tell you all this stuff, to let you know that you hurt me, and leave it at that? That really doesn't sound too...responsible. And...I know you don't care and won't ask, so I guess there's another reason that makes it unnecessary to tell you. Even if I still want to tell you, do I do it face to face or online, a letter, or something? I don't know.

We're both leaving tomorrow, and I really don't think I can decide on something before tomorrow. Plus, I kinda want to check with him too. I mean, I'm scared of what he will say, I really am. I'm trying not to, not to care, and honestly, I think if I force and keep telling myself that I don't, maybe I'll care less, because you know what, you seem to care more that he cares, so the caring part is settled.

You don't read any of this anymore though. You've stopped a long time ago. Did you stop when you decided? Or before? Or Afterwards? Why am I so curious? It doesn't even matter anymore. I mean, it's not like I seriously lost something, considering really, I never earned or had it to begin with.

Now I feel like I'm using all sorts of defense mechanisms to deal with all of this. Shit happens, don't they. It was so sad, I couldn't even hang out for the sake of hanging out anymore. Did you know? Would it make a difference? But you don't try. We've established that.

I haven't posted in so long. I just didn't have the will to even...sort out my mind until two days ago, when I disappeared. Am I putting up another wall? Because if I am, I can feel that this is going to be the strongest wall I've ever built. I'm afraid that there's just so much pain behind it, constantly stirred and salted over the past month. Do you know why? Because I thought you could heal me in the very very least. It worked a little, until, yea, shit happened.

You know, I always--yes, always--seem to fall and give in at the wrong time, and I always end up getting hurt. It overwhelms to the extent that I'm no longer as social as I was before, and I think you know that, and I suppose you're fine with it too. That's not what bothered me though. What bothers me is because I do mind but you don't. Because if I were in his shoes, you would mind. Is this jealousy? I really really hope it's not, because I don't want me to do that. I don't. I'm too hurt to feel that again.

Yea it is. Tim, just no.

You know, I bet you already have the impression or idea that I'm over you already. The funny thing is, I thought so too. I seriously thought so, until...we started hanging out again. Tell me, what should I do to not keep falling for love? I keep falling for you, and I really really don't want to anymore. Do you know what this feels like? It's like you don't want to sleep and you keep staying up, and you still end up dozing off, because then you dream about..just...all of this. I don't think time works, because we've gone through that, and...it didn't work.

Did you realize that I stopped poking you on facebook? Ah, I don't care, what am I talking about.

As much as it hurts, I still want to see you one last time, so whether I decide to tell you anything or not, I think my heart won't rest without a goodbye, a something.

Or am I just telling myself that? This is just sad by now. Sorry about that. I'll try to make this the last time.

Maybe I'll tell you to read this. Maybe I won't. I've been concerned about other people's feelings all this time, and I simply take all the consequences of telling and not telling myself, depending on what wouldn't hurt the feeling of others, or even risk hurting them. Now, I think I need to stop doing that for once and just...say what's on my mind. I think I need to do whatever that won't hurt me anymore, because I really don't know if I can ever heal if this continues.

I just realized that even if you read this, there are so much that's being left out. Because I think what I had put down is just...the synopsis. I suppose I shouldn't be hopeful that you'll ask about the rest. *shrug*

Well, I kind of regret that freshman year ended...with this mess on my end. But in any case, if you're happy, if everyone's doing well, then I think I don't matter. The majority counts.

Am I excited for the summer? I don't know. It's a break. It's not seeing familiar faces, faces that I've grown together with. Some closer, some okay, and some just...there. In any case, however, I don't regret meeting anyone, including you. To an extent, I do not regret going through this. Yes, it hurts, it really really does, and this time around, even though I've tried my best to make everything that happen into experiences that can shape me, I've cracked under the pressure, how fast everything happened, over and over again.

But...at the same time it's about seeing old faces again. The long-lived inside jokes, the runs, the LAN parties, movie nights, and just hanging out. I just hope that...at least some of these can help me heal.

If...there's any chance that you might want to know the rest...I'll tell it to you, like a story, without names. It'll be what happened to and for me, and not who. I...will tell it to you.

And I hope it's not unfair to say that...I will still miss you, both to you and my own heart.

I'm sorry, I have no answers to anything. How to heal me, why doesn't time work, if I should tell you or not, any of these. If you really do end up reading this, can you give me some feedback and let me know what you think I should do?

**

Just pieces of my mind at the hour. May everyone sleep tight tonight.

oyasumi, world.

faith

I'm just gonna let me thoughts flow. Apologies for anything that doesn't make sense.

**

I don't want to miss anything. Why is it so hard to be happy? It's just all a little smile or something that makes me look into the distance. It's just always those. I want to be alone. I don't want to be alone. Go away. Come back. Someone wipe my memories. I sat out there until I was shivering. It was cold outside. It is cold inside. I felt something that I've always felt. I don't want to miss anything, but I'm missing everything. Every. Little. Thing. Everything that made me happy, even just a little, a smile, a little light in the tunnel that soon burns out. Yes, I can find things that I enjoy to do, but I don't know how to be happy anymore. What do I do? I drown myself in music, the midnight air, the solitude. I go do work, and I end up just staring into the blank, listening to music. So much. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to love anymore. I don't want to testify anymore. I only knew how love and not myself, and I still don't because I don't know how to be happy. I enjoy things but I'm not happy. I don't think anyone can actually hold me enough to let me feel otherwise because it's always just temporary. Nothing lasts. I just...don't have faith anymore. I've listened to fall for you for the 30th time by now, and that's like every night: I fall for love, every time, over again. I'm tired of this. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be happy, and this is not. What do I do. Actually, it's gotten to the point where it will seem like everything I've felt and been through are trivial if I can move on. Now what does that even mean. I thought I knew, and I thought I did, but hell no, was I far from that. I'm supposed be doing work right now but yes, I have my headphones on, listening to music, away from everyone else. I think this is the 38th loop. And...you said I haven't given you any actual answers. I'm sorry. I don't know anything right now, because as much as I hate to say it, I still think a part of me don't want to move on from any of this. Well. if I say what I feel about us...that would be that I want to be friends. I want to be able to share things with you, thoughts, ideas, feelings, whatnot. I'm sorry if I always gave ambiguous replies and/or avoid you, but I'm either in a limbo as to what to think or I just don't want to think or talk. Like I said, I think I don't go online anymore, and really, it has nothing to do with you. I just don't feel like talking to people. I look through people. I blur out everything in front of me when I walk. I don't know why, I just do. I always have my music on, and...literally, just today, somehow I ended up going through my photos on my phone. There's this "picture" folder in the directory that has a picture of you as the thumbnail. I went to press on it and then stopped. I remembered the bracelet you gave me, the dream catcher, the little wolf sculpture you showed me, the love I never thought I'd have. What the hell, see, I fell for it again. I really need to stop this. I want to delete that photo of you, just take it off, but you know, I've told myself that since the break. And then there's...you started to talk to me and hang out with me again. Do you know what's ironic? I feel like as of now we are the closest we've ever been, and this is...just, I don't know, good and bad. What am I supposed to do, I'm doing all this and trying not to feel anything but you know what, it's hard as hell to do that and guess what, I still can't do it. I want to stop feeling. I don't even want to be feel loved because I'll just love back and that's...not what is supposed to happen. Oh, I'm sorry, we're just friends. You asked me to get you movies and stuff and I do it 'cause you know, it doesn't hurt. You drop by my room more often than you have ever because yea, we're friends. Yea but, you see, I want to kill that hopeful part of me, the part that imagine happy things, and hope for something that might make me happy. I need to live in the reality and stay there. It's about 48th loop now.

Don't try to convince me otherwise if you don't know how. It's simply not going to work. How much of a hug do I even need. Actually, I don't think that'd ever work, never mind. Scratch that. I just have to "be" right now, the way I am already at the moment. There's no point trying anything.

Also, you know how I know I'm numb? I can feel that if something happens again I just won't feel as much as I felt before. That's why. Love just isn't enough.

It's been two hours. I should start my work now.

55th.

razbliuto

Do not stand at my grave and weep;
I am not there. I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glints on snow.
I am the sunlight on ripened grain.
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awaken in the morning's hush
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the soft stars that shine at night.
Do not stand at my grave and cry;
I am not there. I did not die.

We talked about friendship during the sermon. He made a point saying that there will always be a friend who challenges you as a person, a soul, and who you are. Specifically, that one person will challenge you spiritually. I suppose I do, but I think there are more than just one person.

It means that you've been strong for too long

I've always imagined my mind as like a bedroom. A typical one, with some furnitures here and there, a bed for thoughts, etc. When people come into my life, I'd pull out a chair or something for them to chill around. For some, they have their own spot already, and never really leave. Those spots slowly fill up with what they do, their habits, their presence. They become a part of it, they rest in my mind, always.

Sometimes people come in just to comment on it. They'd say that really like how you decorated your room, etc, and I'll end up giving them a spot. And...the room never seemed too small.

And then they'll just change their mind and leave the room.

But then some people stick around. They decorated my room without me knowing it. They decorated their part with things that I have. And in turn, it's my room, but then there's their room, in my room. They chose to stay.

Do you know what I mean when I say, "I don't want to be alone"?

I just closed my eyes and imagined all of you.

Are you guys still there?

I think I just....give in too easily. I sometimes hate myself for that.

 

oyasumi

-l.h-

lake watcher

To the lake watcher:

To start off, I really enjoyed your analogy, with the shores, depth of the lake, shallowness, all of it. Scripted and abstract, yet simple and true.

I don't have much time atm, and I prob shouldn't start a response, but I want to write, and if time wouldn't allow, I'll just stop half way and then edit the rest in.

Have you seen "Love Actually"? Whenever I start to have feelings for someone, this movie always comes to mind. It always does. Especially Mark, actually, from the movie. I'm not gonna spoil the movie, but if you ever get a chance, go watch it. =)

It looks like to me that you unconsciously started a guessing game with yourself. Of course, everyone does it at some point, but sometimes you have to just tell them and just to see what happens. Yes, it would be nice if it's requited, but is it always bad when it isn't? Like I said before, I think I start things out a little depressed-ish so every little thing is a pleasant surprise if it's not blatantly for the worse. I expect the worst to happen, but yet still have hope for the opposite simply because you never know, and I think that's a good enough incentive.

In my opinion, if you are certain enough, you should speak out. I'm not sure if you see things similarly, but I like to stick people around because if it's just the thread of friendship, it's worth the try and effort. If they turn you down but yet want to be friends, then stay; there's no need for you to leave. Stick around the shore, I'm pretty sure there are spots in the lake that need your caress and presence if they want you around too.

I mean, does it matter what individual is in that lake if you are giving in so much of you? I think that if they are keeping you around, then that means that they want to at least share parts of their lives with you, so you shouldn't feel like you're intruding, especially because sometimes, the walls are made to be broken down by someone who cares enough. So react accordingly.

Also, I used to think that there are moments that can be considered the perfect moments to tell things kinds of stuff. But I've learned that this is rather false. Instead, there are worse times and better times, but not a best time.

I suppose that's it for now, I need to head out. I might add more after my exam.

Peace*