I'm just gonna let me thoughts flow. Apologies for anything that doesn't make sense.
**
I don't want to miss anything. Why is it so hard to be happy? It's just all a little smile or something that makes me look into the distance. It's just always those. I want to be alone. I don't want to be alone. Go away. Come back. Someone wipe my memories. I sat out there until I was shivering. It was cold outside. It is cold inside. I felt something that I've always felt. I don't want to miss anything, but I'm missing everything. Every. Little. Thing. Everything that made me happy, even just a little, a smile, a little light in the tunnel that soon burns out. Yes, I can find things that I enjoy to do, but I don't know how to be happy anymore. What do I do? I drown myself in music, the midnight air, the solitude. I go do work, and I end up just staring into the blank, listening to music. So much. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to love anymore. I don't want to testify anymore. I only knew how love and not myself, and I still don't because I don't know how to be happy. I enjoy things but I'm not happy. I don't think anyone can actually hold me enough to let me feel otherwise because it's always just temporary. Nothing lasts. I just...don't have faith anymore. I've listened to fall for you for the 30th time by now, and that's like every night: I fall for love, every time, over again. I'm tired of this. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be happy, and this is not. What do I do. Actually, it's gotten to the point where it will seem like everything I've felt and been through are trivial if I can move on. Now what does that even mean. I thought I knew, and I thought I did, but hell no, was I far from that. I'm supposed be doing work right now but yes, I have my headphones on, listening to music, away from everyone else. I think this is the 38th loop. And...you said I haven't given you any actual answers. I'm sorry. I don't know anything right now, because as much as I hate to say it, I still think a part of me don't want to move on from any of this. Well. if I say what I feel about us...that would be that I want to be friends. I want to be able to share things with you, thoughts, ideas, feelings, whatnot. I'm sorry if I always gave ambiguous replies and/or avoid you, but I'm either in a limbo as to what to think or I just don't want to think or talk. Like I said, I think I don't go online anymore, and really, it has nothing to do with you. I just don't feel like talking to people. I look through people. I blur out everything in front of me when I walk. I don't know why, I just do. I always have my music on, and...literally, just today, somehow I ended up going through my photos on my phone. There's this "picture" folder in the directory that has a picture of you as the thumbnail. I went to press on it and then stopped. I remembered the bracelet you gave me, the dream catcher, the little wolf sculpture you showed me, the love I never thought I'd have. What the hell, see, I fell for it again. I really need to stop this. I want to delete that photo of you, just take it off, but you know, I've told myself that since the break. And then there's...you started to talk to me and hang out with me again. Do you know what's ironic? I feel like as of now we are the closest we've ever been, and this is...just, I don't know, good and bad. What am I supposed to do, I'm doing all this and trying not to feel anything but you know what, it's hard as hell to do that and guess what, I still can't do it. I want to stop feeling. I don't even want to be feel loved because I'll just love back and that's...not what is supposed to happen. Oh, I'm sorry, we're just friends. You asked me to get you movies and stuff and I do it 'cause you know, it doesn't hurt. You drop by my room more often than you have ever because yea, we're friends. Yea but, you see, I want to kill that hopeful part of me, the part that imagine happy things, and hope for something that might make me happy. I need to live in the reality and stay there. It's about 48th loop now.
Don't try to convince me otherwise if you don't know how. It's simply not going to work. How much of a hug do I even need. Actually, I don't think that'd ever work, never mind. Scratch that. I just have to "be" right now, the way I am already at the moment. There's no point trying anything.
Also, you know how I know I'm numb? I can feel that if something happens again I just won't feel as much as I felt before. That's why. Love just isn't enough.
It's been two hours. I should start my work now.
55th.
