death is not dying

Hey guys, to whoever might be reading this, yea...I haven't posted in a long time. I think it's been roughly two years or so. I have only been using tumblr. But I felt like this is a good time to come back to write about certain things. 

I should be preparing my interview on Tuesday, but I just really need to write this all out. 
There is so much happening this week. Unfortunately, most of these events reflected the darkest sides of humanity. The Paris shooting and Beirut bombing left the world with so much suffering once again. I knew a few friends who lived near the area, and I was sick to my stomach as I was frantically texting them, trying to get in touch to make sure they were doing okay and staying safe. Fortunately, they replied and were not in very vicinity of the incident. But there were so many who were near and in the area. The latest news read 153 people died from the human atrocities that happened that day. A redditor talked about her sister telling her excitingly that she was going to the stadium on the day of the bombing and never came back. My heart broke and continue to break every time I think about and hear about someone's experience of losing someone to people who want to hurt the innocent. 

Even after ISIS claimed their involvement with the incident, I still don't understand how could anyone do this? I am not terribly educated on how ISIS operates or what they claim to be the reason of their actions, but to me, nothing justifies killing the innocent. 

From violence to cutting off wealth and supplies, I've heard multiple different opinions on how to stop ISIS. A part of me want all of them to happen, but another part also wants to say that maybe ISIS truly represents the evil of this world, the acts of Satan. In that sense, there is no way to wipe out evil. If they were truly brainwashed by these so-called leaders of ISIS, to an extent, I feel almost sorry for them, for the amount of hate they have for the world, or for lacking value of human lives. Do they believe that their actions are contributing to the greater good? I really hope their actions have nothing to do with all that virgin promise that I read about, because that is a truly dangerous and horrendous way of thinking....

My pastor brought up Job today. In Job 1, I was reminded that he lost everything--his family and his wealth--within minutes, except his wife and health. With such a strong heart, he fell to the ground and praised the Lord. 

I'm listening to Newsboy's Blessed Be Your Name, and you know what, He does give and take away. Am I strong enough to eventually keep a joyful spirit after losing everything? Can I ever be as strong as Job? Can anyone? He didn't blame God for this sufferings, instead he praised Him. 

I was reminded of what a friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago. She asked me why would God allow or even command killing of others, if killing is simply wrong? I struggled to give her an adequate answer at the time, and I don't think I can at this time either. But after today's sermon, I was reminded that God sent his Son to die for us. He essentially commanded his Son to die for the people they loved. He sacrificed his own Son so no one else has to die for their sins. I hope you understand the power of this love. Am I ever strong enough to give up my own child so my friends, acquaintances, and even strangers and my own enemies, will live? I don't know if I am ever capable of this much love, but I know that is the direction I want to grow, and I need His help. 

I would like to believe that at least some of the victims are now in heaven with God, living happily, without tears, without pain, without sorrow. Rachel Barkey, a Christian who is now with God after cancer took her life, believes that death is not dying. For Christians, I think that is a wonderful definition for death: with a faith that saves, it is anything but dying. 
As we carry on our lives amidst of the tragedies and mourning, please just give out love as much as you can. Continue to share even more love and be even more caring than you think you can. Sit with those who need company. Hug them and let love pass between you. Share Christ's love for others as much and as strongly as you can...even with your enemies. 

Stay strong, we are all in this together. 

lit

Just made a tumblr post about imagining a puppy or a dog jumping onto my bed and snuggle beside me as I begin to blog.

Ohhhh man I want a dog :(

Woke up tired.

Understood most of my PChem and (surprisingly) biochem lectures.

Had a career fair irrelevant to my major.

Productive study time in the library.

Bruised my thumb from sliding open buttons on my jacket.

Went to tutor for PChem and came back just as confused.

A friend asked me today about my blog posts.

Found Umass Compliments.

Parents advised me to find monthly-payment options for Surface Pro.

------------once again blogging in my friend's room because my roommate's asleep------------

You know, I think I didn't expect the topic to come up. But then again I don't really expect anything usually anyways. Was it a pleasant surprise? I guess so. This was the first time someone talked about what I post.

Maybe I do sound depressed, I don't know. but then again it's something I feel like I've lived with for so long that I don't even consider it "depression" anymore. The thing is, just as what John Green said, " pain...it demands to be felt." You said the sadness I feel isn't normal sadness. Maybe that's right, maybe it means that it's been there for too long and it's turned into a different kind of sadness. Maybe it's something that I keep trying to ignore and learn from but it turned into something else. I don't know. I really don't know.

Maybe I post more about things that upset me than about joyful events. I should try to do more happy posts.

I want to apologize if I made you worried, because that's definitely the last thing I'd do. Thank you, though, for bringing it up. Maybe I'll go talk to someone, but I guess I'll try my best to be more optimistic before to see if it works. Being and talking (not necessarily sharing) to friends already help, and you definitely do.

I really really hope that I do the same for you too, 'cause you know I would not hesitate in the slightest.

I think I just need more fun in my life, and by that I don't mean the occasional video games or movies. I want to have fun with friends, with you. That's what matters. Even if I just hang out with people and do nothing, it's better than antisocial.

You know, I just realized something as I'm writing this. I think I've been, to a degree, afraid to surround myself with friends because I have been blatantly ignored in a group before, and it used to happen quite often. I used to be  more talkative than I am now, but after a few years of ignorance, I more or less stopped offering my thoughts because I was simply told that no one cares about my presence. I told you about my homeschooling years and while I told myself that shouldn't have affected my social skills--I think they still did. Maybe I'm trying to undo that and have only been slightly successful.

All I ever wanted was some close friends with mental and emotional bonds. By that I mean I can feel free to text them about something funny I saw, made my day, bothering me, or just a hi, just because I want to talk to them and share what's on my mind. I don't even care if they judge, as long as they'll always be there and be supportive as friends. And I just want to be one of them, to them, as well.

Maybe that's too much to ask for, and maybe I'll never know.

Yea. If someone asked me about my life, I'd spill. Easily. Just because someone asked.

Ok the post is getting too long. I guess that's it for now.

Thanks again . If I see you tmw I'll give you a really big hug >.<

last tutor shift

I'm currently at my last tutor shift. Yes I'm blogging during my last tutor shift. The semester ends tomorrow and I don't think there are anymore chem exams this week. The only tutees who would come in for chemistry would be for homework, and I know a lot of those are due earlier this week so I most likely will have no chemistry tutee tonight. I might have genetics tutee but still I doubt it. That's why I'm here, blogging.

My 523 textbook is just staring back at me as I try to blog. This is slightly uncomfortable. I need to keep the page, though, so I'll not close it just yet...

Also, I got randomly just sad from nothing today. No clue why or how, just all of a sudden there's Rachel, another 50 feet of crap, and then there's me (if you don't know the reference...shame on you). *huge sigh* This more or less explained my last of energy and stamina today.

I guess...it's just too much thoughts on my mind, that same reason when I sleep late. This restless mind thing has got to stop.

I watched two episodes of FRIENDS. Got me to the part of Chandler's one liners:

We swallow our feelings. Even if it means we're unhappy forever. Sounds good?

Chandler, that's like my life. How'd you know xD

On another note, I found a few good songs this week. Another good artist is Rosie Thomas. I didn't realize I had another song by her already, I guess it's time to look more into artists and not just songs. Who knows what other amazing songs I am missing by saying this one song is the only good song that artist sings?

That reminds me of how grateful I am of the random Amazon mp3 credits. I've getting legit and good quality copies of songs from Amazon because of those. Love love love those.

---

The last day of classes is tomorrow, and that means I only have two classes, 394 and 523. No more orgo, just a hundred tons of studying. I think I have to ace both my 523 and 551 finals to get A or A- for them. I am doing well in 394, 240, 110, and 170. Just those high level classes, man. Killing me, I say.

Oh shit, that reminded me, I need to do my last seminar for 394. Almost forgot, shitz.

I'm also throwing a going-away party dinner thingy for a friend of mine studying abroad in Italy next semester. While that's a major exciting event of the year for everyone, it got me thinking about studying abroad. I figured that if I wanted to go out of the country I'd want to go to somewhere in Europe as well. I mean, I can even visit my pen pals! I mean it would depend on where exactly, of course, but how awesome would that be? My eyes would hate me (and I would probably hate myself for the first week or so) but it'll be worth it in the end. With all this excitement and positive points, I think the only down side is I'll miss people and the issue of potential failure of credit transfers, effectively making me miss a semester, more or less. Oh, and also, the only time I want to / can do so is fall of senior year. I'm also looking to get North Apartments my senior year, so if I do decide to do / get a good number to get into North, the chance of me studying abroad instantly conflicts with it because then I'd lose the housing. I'm so far the only person I know of who really really wants North, so if I end up unable to choose North, other people probably won't either. DILEMMA.

Wow all of a sudden I've blogged so much. I should be studying 523 (the textbook is still winning the staring contest, btw). Exam's next Tuesday. Five days better be enough...actually it wouldn't be a full five days because I have orgo too.

Finals will be the death of me.

I love how the title of this post is about the tutor shift and yet only 10% of this post is about my title. I love how I blog zz

Oh, if I have time this weekend (a few hours maybe?), I want to get some people some Christmas gifts before everyone goes back for break. Probably just hit up Walmart or Target or something and drop $50 ish for like...5-7 people ish.

What else is there to talk about....just realized that I'm subconsciously procrastinating by dragging out this post with more rambling.

Idk, can someone just cheer me up somehow? Actually I don't even know what would make me happy right now. The hardest option is the easiest solution, but that's just not gonna happen.

I just want to curl up in my bed and watch FRIENDS and not worry about anything. If I'll be alone I'd rather be with a tv series.

Rant over.

your story

(It took me a while but I finally found the old post I wanted to link)

Do you have a story to tell? Or rather, do you realize you have a story to tell? I remember back in the day when I said something like I feel like my life wasn't worth telling. While I did say that, look at this blog; it's all my story. Maybe it's dull to some people, but this is my life. When I look back on it, it pulls my heart strings; it gives me laughter; it sends chills through my spine; it sometimes breaks my heart to see what I went through yet glad that I did; it reminds me of the busy school days or the days that I just did nothing; it reminds me of all the great people in my life, even though they're always on my mind anyways.

It's a book with bookmarks on every page.

We had to watch a video about the Main Wabanaki-State Child Welfare Truth and Reconciliation for my Indigenous Peoples class. It talked about how the Native Indian children were taken away from their native homes by the whites because white people had this theory that those kids would be "better off" when raised by white people. Conditions ended being abusive in all ways possible, and the few who lived and are willing to share their experiences tell of the stories of the lost of humanity in a history that cannot be undone. They aimed to tell everyone their stories in hopes that it will strengthen and sooth future culture clashes, and may that history never happen again. (If you're interested in the video, here it is.)

Keeping your story is not going to help with healing.

My...friend once said this to me:

The word, to strong, so ruthless, so unforgiving. So powerful, and so weak. To think that all we know can be conveyed in words, mere shaped vibrations. So useless, so worthless. How ignorant, to think that we can better understand these symbols, than the true meaning itself. Can we not understand each other by the expressions on our faces? Can we not comprehend the looks in our eyes? Must we use such words to sum up our feelings? Surely words, however eloquent, cannot truly convey the speaker’s thoughts. Can we not look at each other, and instantly understand what the other is thinking, without the need for an explanation? “I didn't mean to say that” “that came out wrong” “I shouldn't have said that” I have a note for the perfectionists and the speakers: I didn't mean to say anything, that always came out wrong, that was never meant to be said. Can I not convey my feelings with my eyes? Will they not understand? “You know when…” “You don’t have to explain” “I know what you mean” “same as me” “all the time” Are we the only ones who say this? No. I can answer that question. No. Are we the only ones who truly mean it? That, I cannot. No words. Just a picture. Just a feeling. Just a connection. Just? Only? In our world. This strange connection. No words. Just a look, just a feeling, just a picture, just a song. Just look into our eyes. Just glance at our expressions. Just look long enough to notice the twitch in our faces. And yet I am conveying this all in words. There is no other way. We can do without. They will look at us and not know what we’re thinking. They need the words. They need these words to understand this. They do not need to know us. They only need to know our words. Our brows are our thoughts. Our lips are our tone of voice. Our expressions are our feelings. Our eyes are our words.

This kinda relates to the closeness that D was talking about. It's simple; I...no longer have such a friend around me. I put words down because it's my only way of conveying my feelings. I no longer have someone to tell my story to face to face.

This is why I write. I tell to heal.

This is why I give free hugs, because sometimes people don't know how to tell, or they don't have someone to tell their stories to. And sometimes, a hug is enough to make them feel better, a hug that says that someone cares. 

--

C, I know for certain that I'm over everything. I also realize that I haven't seen you in almost two years. You know, I don't know what will happen if I do see you. Idk what string would be tugged, what won't. I don't know if I can look you in the eye and say what I wanted to say. I mean, I don't even have the courage to open that box. And yet, I still have it on me, keeping all that love with me. But...when I do see you, what do I have to say? I don't even know what to say. There's...nothing left to be said. You'd shown me, and that was clearer than words, and I had shown myself how much of a fool I was. 

Maybe...it won't be hard, and I'm just making it harder because, well, I overthink things. 

Sorry, just had to put that down on paper. 

---

I think I'm gonna head off soon. Been sleeping too late zz I'll do brighter posts tomorrow/next time I post >.> Sorry peeps. 

a bit of this, a lot of that

I know, D. Sometimes we just want to feel close to someone. Sometimes, I just want to feel close to someone. I've lost that dear treasure. I didn't even take it for granted and it still slipped away and I don't know what to do. I'm scared, I'm so scared. I don't know when I will feel that again. I really don't. Do you feel that pain? 

Sadness you need to get the hell out of my heart, I really don't have time for you. I...guess this means that my jar can't hold you much longer, sadness. There are too many cracks and you just keeps going at it. 

Who's gonna clean up the mess? I know I can't.