heavy boots

I realized something, kinda big.

I realized that I forgot what love feels like, and I intend to keep it that way. Specifically, I realized that it's more of the loving others part that I'm starting to forget, and I think I need to keep it that way for a while. I try not to remember the life that I didn't want to lose but lost and have to remember. It used to fill my heart with so much joy, even if the joy wasn't mine. But with that life, my life story was happening faster than my life. Just as it is, a friction began to arise between Nothing and Something, in the morning the Nothing vase cast a Something shadow, like the memory of someone you've lost, what can you say about that, at night the Nothing light from the guest room spilled under the Nothing door and stained the Something hallway, there's nothing to say. It's true, it became difficult to navigate from Something to Something without accidentally walking through Nothing. In the middle of all of this inevitable mixing of Nothing and Something, you still find the need to disappear in the middle of everything, Something, because I was more alone than if I had been alone.

I had company because I can be the company and not so much the other way around. Was it ever the other way around?

I get heavy boots, too, Oskar. But I can't change the Sahara Desert.

I am no long waiting. Everything's different, and there's enough Nothing already and it's impossible to go through the day without a train of thought of Something not involving Nothing.

I'm going to start loving myself and myself only. I'm going to make myself things and not always others. I'm bitter, and colder, but I'm also stronger.

I'm gonna be better to myself.

I felt, that night, [...] incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming?

miracles

I just had the realization that I think I'm waiting for a miracle. That I'm still waiting. But I don't know what. I still wait though, and when I do it, I just want to sleep, because waiting is draining my life. That's probably why I get so tired. My head tells me that I'm tired of waiting, but that's all my heart wants to do.

If I love you enough to let you go, would you love me enough to come back?

Stop thinking that please.

But whenever we talk it feels like I'm falling for you again. What do I do?

embarkment

I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together and the end of missing someone

I forgot this quote. I just remembered it after seeing people packing up and leaving today. People leaving and heading home, leaving friends even though they might see each other again over summer or simply wait till next semester. There were last meals shared, hugs exchanged, and love felt.

Makes me wonder why don't people do that more often on the daily basis.

Freshman year has ended as of 2:30 today, after my biology final. Some people already left, some people leaving tomorrow, some the day after that. Tonight will be my last night here. I'm going to miss people. As much as I don't want to, I will.

And you know what, I think I will only be able to hang out with you little by little. I'm healing, and I don't think I can ever heal if I keep getting hurt. I'm thinking of telling you the whole story, but I don't know what that would accomplish. But it's keep popping up my mind because I...still want to be friends, and in that sense, I feel the need to share my story with you, even though...you're in the story. But...is it fair to tell you all this stuff, to let you know that you hurt me, and leave it at that? That really doesn't sound too...responsible. And...I know you don't care and won't ask, so I guess there's another reason that makes it unnecessary to tell you. Even if I still want to tell you, do I do it face to face or online, a letter, or something? I don't know.

We're both leaving tomorrow, and I really don't think I can decide on something before tomorrow. Plus, I kinda want to check with him too. I mean, I'm scared of what he will say, I really am. I'm trying not to, not to care, and honestly, I think if I force and keep telling myself that I don't, maybe I'll care less, because you know what, you seem to care more that he cares, so the caring part is settled.

You don't read any of this anymore though. You've stopped a long time ago. Did you stop when you decided? Or before? Or Afterwards? Why am I so curious? It doesn't even matter anymore. I mean, it's not like I seriously lost something, considering really, I never earned or had it to begin with.

Now I feel like I'm using all sorts of defense mechanisms to deal with all of this. Shit happens, don't they. It was so sad, I couldn't even hang out for the sake of hanging out anymore. Did you know? Would it make a difference? But you don't try. We've established that.

I haven't posted in so long. I just didn't have the will to even...sort out my mind until two days ago, when I disappeared. Am I putting up another wall? Because if I am, I can feel that this is going to be the strongest wall I've ever built. I'm afraid that there's just so much pain behind it, constantly stirred and salted over the past month. Do you know why? Because I thought you could heal me in the very very least. It worked a little, until, yea, shit happened.

You know, I always--yes, always--seem to fall and give in at the wrong time, and I always end up getting hurt. It overwhelms to the extent that I'm no longer as social as I was before, and I think you know that, and I suppose you're fine with it too. That's not what bothered me though. What bothers me is because I do mind but you don't. Because if I were in his shoes, you would mind. Is this jealousy? I really really hope it's not, because I don't want me to do that. I don't. I'm too hurt to feel that again.

Yea it is. Tim, just no.

You know, I bet you already have the impression or idea that I'm over you already. The funny thing is, I thought so too. I seriously thought so, until...we started hanging out again. Tell me, what should I do to not keep falling for love? I keep falling for you, and I really really don't want to anymore. Do you know what this feels like? It's like you don't want to sleep and you keep staying up, and you still end up dozing off, because then you dream about..just...all of this. I don't think time works, because we've gone through that, and...it didn't work.

Did you realize that I stopped poking you on facebook? Ah, I don't care, what am I talking about.

As much as it hurts, I still want to see you one last time, so whether I decide to tell you anything or not, I think my heart won't rest without a goodbye, a something.

Or am I just telling myself that? This is just sad by now. Sorry about that. I'll try to make this the last time.

Maybe I'll tell you to read this. Maybe I won't. I've been concerned about other people's feelings all this time, and I simply take all the consequences of telling and not telling myself, depending on what wouldn't hurt the feeling of others, or even risk hurting them. Now, I think I need to stop doing that for once and just...say what's on my mind. I think I need to do whatever that won't hurt me anymore, because I really don't know if I can ever heal if this continues.

I just realized that even if you read this, there are so much that's being left out. Because I think what I had put down is just...the synopsis. I suppose I shouldn't be hopeful that you'll ask about the rest. *shrug*

Well, I kind of regret that freshman year ended...with this mess on my end. But in any case, if you're happy, if everyone's doing well, then I think I don't matter. The majority counts.

Am I excited for the summer? I don't know. It's a break. It's not seeing familiar faces, faces that I've grown together with. Some closer, some okay, and some just...there. In any case, however, I don't regret meeting anyone, including you. To an extent, I do not regret going through this. Yes, it hurts, it really really does, and this time around, even though I've tried my best to make everything that happen into experiences that can shape me, I've cracked under the pressure, how fast everything happened, over and over again.

But...at the same time it's about seeing old faces again. The long-lived inside jokes, the runs, the LAN parties, movie nights, and just hanging out. I just hope that...at least some of these can help me heal.

If...there's any chance that you might want to know the rest...I'll tell it to you, like a story, without names. It'll be what happened to and for me, and not who. I...will tell it to you.

And I hope it's not unfair to say that...I will still miss you, both to you and my own heart.

I'm sorry, I have no answers to anything. How to heal me, why doesn't time work, if I should tell you or not, any of these. If you really do end up reading this, can you give me some feedback and let me know what you think I should do?

**

Just pieces of my mind at the hour. May everyone sleep tight tonight.

oyasumi, world.