second chances

Lord, Father, Holy Spirit...this has been on my mind for a while now.

Should I be thinking about what were the exact things that I did wrong? Maybe I'm approaching this too logically. I was thinking that if I could get a list of things I did wrong, there would be a physical list of things that tells me what went wrong, what my heart was like, and it might make it a little bit easier to focus on fixing what I did wrong. I....still do wish I actually was in a position to recognize how and what I was doing wrong so I could ask You to help me work on those.

Is that right? Should I do that? I don't know, God. I don't know. I'm sorry, I still want to fix things. Father, are You telling me that You're not giving me a change to fix things? I know that my heart wasn't right and maybe I wasn't really in a place to change effectively. But I'd like to think that my heart has begin to change now, and that You have been moving my heart. Are you still saying that I don't deserve a second chance? Or are You simply telling me to wait? I don't know, Father, I'm confused.

Speak to me, Lord. I do trust You and believe in You. It is scary because I am feeling like I'm taking steps that I can't see. Please help me trust You even more so I'm not scared anymore.

Father, help me crucify my self every day, every single day, every hour, every minute, because I want to be able to really, really depend on only You. I don't want to be driven by my fear, guilt, or my abilities. Because it's clear that I don't know what I'm doing. I always mess things up. I can't even learn how to love like You do and I thought I was doing it right. Lord, right now it doesn't feel like I deserve a second chance.

I don't even know if I should ask for the understanding of what You are doing. I'm just trying to keep my faith in You because I do know that You know what's best, and how to train and change my heart. I just....don't feel like, with my mess up, that I deserve a second chance.

Please just be with my heart, Father.