let it be

For the past few days, it's really just been me and myself. I saw a friend, but it wasn't like a huge reunion or anything. I mean, it was nice to see an old friend. What I'm saying, though, is that while I talked to a few people on break, it brought back some old feelings that I had forgotten.

One of them is the feeling of not looking. The actuality of not expecting to see anyone really. Furthermore, it's not trying to see people who will make you happy. I almost got to see a friend of mine, but she fell ill before her break ended so that didn't work out. This time, however, it was her who mentioned that we should hang out. It reminded me of high school when others asked me to hang out more than I asked them. Nowadays, it's usually me asking people if they wanna hang, and then they'll hang. Otherwise, I pretty much won't see anyone, most of the time.

Why is that?

There is, however, a difference I need to point out. That is, the difference between being asked to hang by a friend you wanted to hear from and a friend you thought of as a normal friend. The lack of the former may distort the times the latter has occurred.

To be honest, I found myself dismissing a few of the latter occasions quite a bit because they were simply not really what I wanted, even though they still rarely occurred. Heh, I even thought to myself, "should I even be picky at this point? I should be grateful that there are people who want to hang out with me," as there is an obvious difference between wanting to hang out with someone and being ok if someone tags along.

Yea, I just wanted to get some small gestures of....idk, something from my friends, and that's why I try to do that all the time. I guess I just want a time when someone stepped out of their way for me, and not because oh they'll be there also, so I can just tag along. No I don't want to tag along. I don't really want to just be a convenience. I want to feel that I matter for once.

And yet everything I do only makes it worst because I only settle for their convenience because that's...all I've got.

But you know, maybe it's too much to ask for and I'm just talking nonsense.


I'm just trying to say that I'm trying my best to let it be the way it is. I'm not sure what else I need to learn from all of this, but I guess I'm not done learning yet and He's still got more for me.

I hope I can keep this going. I don't know if I can, but I can only...try more.

At least, for the most part, I have tumblr and my followers to brighten my day because it always feels like talking to another side of me, but different people.

Rant over.