haunting memories

I originally only posted this in my private blog, but I thought about it and decided that it should be here too. So here goes.


I'm not sure what brought these memories back, but I wanna put them down because I think it is important. I feel like this is something I need to do. I thought I have done so before at some time, but I couldn't find it, which means that I most likely did not post about it. But here goes...the story of the two events that stuck with me today.

One memory is of the time when I was maybe in second or third grade. I was still in Taiwan, living in a condo with three floors with like a roof balcony. Well anyways, we had hired a Filipino maid because both my parents are working, so it's similar to a baby sitter except she also does chores around the house and helps with meals.

And here is where the haunting part comes in.

I was a douche as a kid. I'm not sure why exactly, but I was a total jerk. Now why do I say that? Maybe it's because I would make my maid's life absolutely miserable. I remember there were multiple times where I would make these note cards, and on these cards I would write, "[name of maid] got scolded by my dad," or, "[name] broke a vase," or, "[she] did something wrong." Basically, I would make up scenarios that she would feel uncomfortable about, put each of them on a card, and draw them from a hat to mock her. That was like a daily routine for me and my brother; we would take turns mocking her, and we would just laugh, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but all I remember from that time was we're having fun. It never crossed our minds what she was feeling. I remember her asking me one day if I really hated her like that. I didn't realize it then, but I still remember her voice. It was a heartbreaking sob where you could hear her trying to find all the reason to stay in the midst of trouble and obstacles. And I was not making it any easier for her. I do not recall what I said to her, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore...

Everything seemed normal for the douchebag me until one day I woke up and I couldn't find her. I looked through the entire house and found no signs of her. She wouldn't be out this early because she had to make breakfast for us. I woke up my parents, and they gave the agency a call. After a few hours, it turned out that she had ran away. I remember hearing the confirmation from my parents as they're still on the phone; I remember myself shaking from the reality. I don't remember if I cried or not, but what I'm sure of is that her running away scarred me somewhat. My parents told me that it wasn't because of our actions that she ran away, but more because of her boyfriend, that she most likely ran off somewhere with her boyfriend. At the time, that explanation wasn't enough to convince me that I didn't do it. It stuck with me for a little bit, and I forgot about it...until maybe a few years ago.

Anyways, this memory came back to me today, and I couldn't shake it off for the past 3 hours or so. If I have the chance, to see her again, I would not hesitate to apologize for my behavior before. It was in no way justified, and I might have as well ruined her life in ways I didn't know I could.

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Another one is about the first year I moved to the states: 8 years ago, Albany, GA. My family is a second generations Christian, and so we pretty much looked for a local church for regular service as soon as we could. I don't remember the name of the church we went to, but I remember it had a youth group where all the kids hung out (a lot of churches have a youth group or something similar). I remember my brother did not want to spend time with random and strange kids so he stayed with my parents through their service. Now I was sent to the youth group, thinking that it was a chance for me to be the big brother and be independent and be by myself and be ok. At the time I was into a certain robot video game that involved designing your own robot for like battles and whatnot. Throughout the earlier periods of the youth group gathering, I was just by myself, drawing and designing robots for the game in my own little world.

All of a sudden, a girl walked up to me and sat down beside me. She was shining with happiness and warm, ready to welcome the newcomer and introduce herself. She must only had been a year or two younger or older than I was, but I don't remember. I don't remember her name. I kind of remember what she looked like and her voice. What I do remember, however, is I gave her the coldest shoulder I have ever given to anyone. There she was, being all excited and welcoming and approachable, while I was looking down at a piece of paper, drawing stupid robot figures and more or less ignoring her kindness. I can still feel that awkward space as she ran out of stuff to say and we were just sitting there quietly for about 15 seconds or so until she said something along the lines of, "well, I'm glad you're here! I'll be over there if you want to come chat!" and left me to my ego. I cringe every single time I remember this. I think because of all the homeschooling (almost 4 years of that) I never thought I'd need friends. I was perfectly fine on my own, and worst comes to worst I can hang out with my brother, like we always could.

I never said hi to her ever after she reached out to me. She tried maybe once or twice after that, but I don't remember. I moved to MA after a year in GA.

Goddamnit, when this all hit me a few years ago, all I wanted to do is find her and say how sorry I am for how I treated her. I couldn't even give her one minute of my time. I barely gave her my name! I get mad at myself whenever I think of this.

*huge sigh* Well, that's what had been stuck on my restless mind. Maybe this post will help. I guess the moral of the stories is that be nice to people and when someone reaches out to you, reach back because you are acknowledging a helping hand, and that always makes the person feel rewarded and needed.