definition

I've been thinking a lot about how I used to define my friends, and I realized that there's almost an algorithm that I follow. It goes something like this:

If I plan something, who comes to mind first, second, etc? Yea this depends on what the activity is but basically it's a priority thing. Vice versa, if a friend plans something, would I come to mind first, second, etc, or not at all? The second question here doesn't seem fair, but yet true to an extent. The thing is everyone has an older friend, a closer friend, and for some reason I wanna be that person, like all the time. I was pretty selfish, eh?

Another thought process is similar, as it has to do with someone to chat/talk. That is, if something happened that I wanted to share, or just to bug because friends do that, who would I text? A better question, who would be willing to do that and knows that I am doing so because I value that friendship this much? And vice versa, once again, would anyone text me just because they wanted to tell me something that happened in their life? I can only think of a handful, maybe four people, who do that.

I finished The Fault in Our Stars and The Time Keeper just this week, and they reminded me of how I used to define my friends. I'm not really saying that I have changed these ways, because I don't think I have changed much. I am now saying that I want to. Yes, it may make sense to want friends who do these things, who like to share their life with you and not just someone to say hi to; who would think of you when they wanna go see a movie or grab a bite; who want your opinion on a movie, a person, or that outfit; who want your advice on something even if they probably won't listen to you and you know that, but they ask anyway; who let you know of the great books or places they just read/went to because they want to share those also.

These are the little things that I wished and looked for, and from experience that's much too high of an expectation for the most part. Sometimes, these expectations fell short, I started to hate myself because I thought I must be the reason, that I'm boring and annoying or something.

But why am I even asking them for anything? That defeats the purpose of those friendships, doesn't it? All those things should come from both sides naturally and mutually. Ha, even that's too much to ask, now that I just heard myself speak. I'm sorry, it's getting sad to hear all this because everything still sounds selfish as hell, because it sounds like I'm both not acknowledging the fact that my friends have other (closer) friends and yet acknowledging them but very jealous of them.

But I digress.

I wanted to say that from now on, I will try my best to not notice these things, to just appreciate what I have, and try to strengthen them. The last thing I wanna do is to lose these bonds that I didn't before I came here. Even though sometimes I really feel like I'm trying too hard and I just want to say, "screw it, I'm better off by myself," and even though I may feel that again, I will try to put off those thoughts and think of the times when I was part of something.

Because, to be honest, I really do have some of the best friends anyone could ask for, and yet I was asking for more.

Who I am hates who I've been

I love you all, you know who you are <3


Rant over.