cramped and cramped

Sitting here, wind blowing out the window, trees swaying, leaves shot up in their journeys, carefree cars,  warmth coming down, music playing, syllabi pasted all over the wall, inside-out ring, unfinished readings.

This post is for a friend of mine.

You said you want to know what people feel. The happy things, the sad, melancholy; the laughter, tears, frustrations, confusions, misunderstandings, jealousy...everything that's felt, with open or closed eyes, with whole or broken hearts, with logic or without, with him, or her, or you.

That is the also the reason why you talk to me, right?

Did you also mean that you want to feel them too? I'm not sure because you didn't say. And because those two are very different.

I'm not sure how to phrase this other than you talk to me out of curiosity, and I'm not sure what to think of that.

I think I still am naive. I thought that I could easily put this behind me, but everything and everyone I see will remind me of something. Yes, even you.

And damn, I told you how deep it was. I told you how much I loved her. You told me yours. Maybe yours was deeper than mine, but it was the deepest I've felt. Or maybe it was a different kind of depth, because what I felt was how love could heal, how perfect it can be, and then how powerful it can cut twice as deep again.

I don't know about you, but I don't jump in and out of people's lives.

I know some of your story, and you know mine. Maybe we have helped each other through something, I don't know. But honestly, I don't even know if I miss you. Sorry to being rather brutally honest, but it's what I feel.

But again, you most likely don't read my blog. Rather, who does anyways? I wonder who reads this. I really do.

People change. It's not because they learn certain something from others, I don't think, but rather they already have it in them, and encounters simply bring out those beliefs and make them more applicable and practical than they have been. Those beliefs may not be desirable, but maybe they work for whatever circumstances.

Yes, my mind is really cramped.

I most likely won't even read this anymore after typing this out. Just because it's too chaotic.

Now I'm even more interested as to who reads any of this.

But I guess I just want to wish you luck in all that you do. 'Course, you might come to me when something happens, and that's fine with me, since I guess those will only be the times when I can see you. And congrats, on a few things, since you are in my opinion one of the lucky ones.

Later, E.

--

I didn't wait for change. I worked to make it happen.

I want to be able to move on to the point that I no longer feel anything when I think about the past. I don't know if that's possible. Maybe this is too naive. Maybe I just need to feel whatever I feel every time I've reminded of all that, and not be affected. Make my feelings. Maybe that's what I need to work on.

Maybe I should work on getting zero view in 48 hours so the graph thing is flat.

Wasted too much time here, later, mind.