Ok, the party was fine. I had fun. Maybe not the most fun I've had, but it was very very nice to see everyone's faces and to just hang out.
This is like one of the few times I actually decided to drink. I maybe had 5 shots and 4 jello shots and I'm like completely fine. I don't even know how much that was. But I don't feel anything, that's for sure. Idk if I was actually aiming to get drunk or anything.
The thing is the party kinda turned into multiple small parties/conversations. And I can tell you that, although I was there, I wasn't really part of any actual ones. It was just a few oh hey how are you, comments here and there, and then that was all. And that's my life in my face once again.
I don't know why I'm writing all this. Oh right, I remember now.
What I realized and continued to lie to myself is that that one tiny part of me still tried. It tried so hard, so so hard, because just maybe one little thing would probably have worked. But then I think it has been way too clear that it just won't work. And the fact that the bond wasn't because of who I am. It never was anyways, and yet there I was, trying to convince that I had a part in it.
I'm done trying. No more. I'm done. Tim, you. are. done. You don't want to do this anymore, so just drop it. You are perfectly fine in your circles, so please, go to your circles.
It's just not something I can do, so now I'm willingly stepping out, ok than ever. It's only natural that one desires more to enjoy the company who can make you smile and laugh. Who am I to say that I can try to do that when in reality I just can't?
Should have just left everything with the jar when I did.
And maybe I'm just that....socially challenged. Or maybe it's just because everyone knows everyone else much better than I know everyone else. Yea, it's that. It's always fucking that. I still had fun because, well, it's just my life and I saw it coming from a million miles away anyway, and I tried to the best out of it, and I believe I did to the best of my ability.
Well, anyways, thanks for inviting me over, friends. I did enjoy it, I did.
Am I upset? I don't know. Maybe. I'm just sad.
If you read this, I don't want you to do anything different. Just forget about anything you just read.
But yea. I'm done. I am now officially accepting all of this, and I'm done.
Tim, ever thought of the fact that maybe those kinds of friends you're looking for just don't fucking exist? HAHA yea, Tim, you are a fucking idiot. Moving fucked you over and now you're looking for rain in the desert. Well you know what? You get a water bottle. Use it wisely.
I wish I don't value friendship as much as I do.
Ok I'm done, I don't want to talk about any of this anymore. No more.
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