will you?

I figured out what the problem is. The reason why I get sad so easily. And this is why.


I envy people, I want to be just like other people, because they always seem to have things I don't have, people I don't know, people who love them. I see the best in other and the worst in me, what I don't have, what I want. I can never seem to see what I do have. I can never be happy because I can never be like other people. That just sounds so wrong. Oh God, how much do I actually envy...the people they are, the friendship they have, they're everything that one cannot ask for, no matter how much one wants it. It simply does not work. I have denied this fact for so long, but now I'm trying to just lay it all out. I'm jealous of the friendship among my friends, because I always feel that I will never have those kinds of friendship. Whenever I see people, see my friends interact with each other, this whole thing comes around and stabs me in the heart again, and I don't even realize it. 


Don't you see? The thing is that I do have amazing friends. This is exactly the reason why I feel like this because they're so amazing and beautiful and loving and easy to get along that I have never felt so....detached from them. It is because that I love them so much. I can't be more grateful for them being there, and yet it always seems like it's so easy for them to walk out of my life. What do I do? I mean, what can I do, I'm just a friend.  


The funny thing is I figured this out in church today. 


I want to lie on the grass at night, in the pouring rain, and just sing. 


It hurts, to realize this now. 


I mean, even if I know someone who's going through this, and the person wrote this, and somehow I magically finds this. Will I even do something? Will anyone even do anything if someone finds out how someone is living his/her life, in something like this? What will you do? What can you do? I totally feel like I'm shouting right now. 


Personally, I would go up to them and just hug the living crap out of them, until they realize why I'm hugging them, that they know that through my hug, I care and want to do anything I can do make them feel like they're worth every little thing they've ever done and thought and everything to come. 


I want to go to a Hillsong United concert.