your story

(It took me a while but I finally found the old post I wanted to link)

Do you have a story to tell? Or rather, do you realize you have a story to tell? I remember back in the day when I said something like I feel like my life wasn't worth telling. While I did say that, look at this blog; it's all my story. Maybe it's dull to some people, but this is my life. When I look back on it, it pulls my heart strings; it gives me laughter; it sends chills through my spine; it sometimes breaks my heart to see what I went through yet glad that I did; it reminds me of the busy school days or the days that I just did nothing; it reminds me of all the great people in my life, even though they're always on my mind anyways.

It's a book with bookmarks on every page.

We had to watch a video about the Main Wabanaki-State Child Welfare Truth and Reconciliation for my Indigenous Peoples class. It talked about how the Native Indian children were taken away from their native homes by the whites because white people had this theory that those kids would be "better off" when raised by white people. Conditions ended being abusive in all ways possible, and the few who lived and are willing to share their experiences tell of the stories of the lost of humanity in a history that cannot be undone. They aimed to tell everyone their stories in hopes that it will strengthen and sooth future culture clashes, and may that history never happen again. (If you're interested in the video, here it is.)

Keeping your story is not going to help with healing.

My...friend once said this to me:

The word, to strong, so ruthless, so unforgiving. So powerful, and so weak. To think that all we know can be conveyed in words, mere shaped vibrations. So useless, so worthless. How ignorant, to think that we can better understand these symbols, than the true meaning itself. Can we not understand each other by the expressions on our faces? Can we not comprehend the looks in our eyes? Must we use such words to sum up our feelings? Surely words, however eloquent, cannot truly convey the speaker’s thoughts. Can we not look at each other, and instantly understand what the other is thinking, without the need for an explanation? “I didn't mean to say that” “that came out wrong” “I shouldn't have said that” I have a note for the perfectionists and the speakers: I didn't mean to say anything, that always came out wrong, that was never meant to be said. Can I not convey my feelings with my eyes? Will they not understand? “You know when…” “You don’t have to explain” “I know what you mean” “same as me” “all the time” Are we the only ones who say this? No. I can answer that question. No. Are we the only ones who truly mean it? That, I cannot. No words. Just a picture. Just a feeling. Just a connection. Just? Only? In our world. This strange connection. No words. Just a look, just a feeling, just a picture, just a song. Just look into our eyes. Just glance at our expressions. Just look long enough to notice the twitch in our faces. And yet I am conveying this all in words. There is no other way. We can do without. They will look at us and not know what we’re thinking. They need the words. They need these words to understand this. They do not need to know us. They only need to know our words. Our brows are our thoughts. Our lips are our tone of voice. Our expressions are our feelings. Our eyes are our words.

This kinda relates to the closeness that D was talking about. It's simple; I...no longer have such a friend around me. I put words down because it's my only way of conveying my feelings. I no longer have someone to tell my story to face to face.

This is why I write. I tell to heal.

This is why I give free hugs, because sometimes people don't know how to tell, or they don't have someone to tell their stories to. And sometimes, a hug is enough to make them feel better, a hug that says that someone cares. 

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C, I know for certain that I'm over everything. I also realize that I haven't seen you in almost two years. You know, I don't know what will happen if I do see you. Idk what string would be tugged, what won't. I don't know if I can look you in the eye and say what I wanted to say. I mean, I don't even have the courage to open that box. And yet, I still have it on me, keeping all that love with me. But...when I do see you, what do I have to say? I don't even know what to say. There's...nothing left to be said. You'd shown me, and that was clearer than words, and I had shown myself how much of a fool I was. 

Maybe...it won't be hard, and I'm just making it harder because, well, I overthink things. 

Sorry, just had to put that down on paper. 

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I think I'm gonna head off soon. Been sleeping too late zz I'll do brighter posts tomorrow/next time I post >.> Sorry peeps.