who am I?

Lord, 

You know who I am. 

I want to write down who I think I am. 

I've always wanted to connect deeply with people. But I feel like I'm in a dilemma right now because when I can't do that, I feel alone or lost, and to be honest, I don't know if I truly know how to do that well. I just have that deep, deep desire to do that. I know what matters to people. That's what matters to me. 

But I also realize that while I want to do that, I can also let my own selfish side into the equation. 

......I think the Holy Spirit just told me that I'm bound by the fear of being alone. That there's a fear of not being good enough. 

Father.... people in my life, people I've loved.... I feel like it's been history that I have not felt I was good enough, that I should be alone. 

Father, you just decided to put on No Longer Slaves. I just started crying. Holy Spirit, I know that this is what you want me to feel, to know that I have this bondage on me. This is too deep for me to remove, Father. Please remove this bondage from me. I am Your child. I'm loved by You. I will continue to declare that. I will continue to declare and ask You to remove this bondage from my heart, this root, of insecurity, of doubt, of fear, out of my life, out of my heart. Plant the seeds of your love, patience, and kindness, and wisdom. 

Thank you Father for loving me. 

last prayer

Forgive me, I'm still struggling to forgive myself...but I'll try to have this as the last time I apologize. God help me. 

I'm sorry I suffocated you by asking you for all of your time. 

I'm sorry I was hurt when you wanted to spend time to do your own thing. No, it was not okay, in any way. 

I'm sorry that you tried to tell me and I was still focused on myself that I couldn't see it. No, it was not okay either. Please don't tell me that I couldn't have done anything else to change it, because I could have. 

I'm sorry that I asked you more than I gave. 

And....the worst thing....I'm sorry that I made you feel guilty whenever you want to spend time for yourself. 

I'm trying to forgive myself. I loved you so much, and I couldn't believe that I didn't see what I was doing. I didn't make you feel loved. It wasn't your fault, because no one could have given me what I was asking from you. It was unfair to everyone. I'm gonna change, I promise, because this is not healthy of me. 

I'm sorry, Grace. 

I feel like we...ended it on a bad term. I would reach out to you because I still care, but it's my fault, and I'm sorry, so I'll not ask anything of you anymore. I'll be a friend if you reach out. 

God, I thank you for bringing Grace into my life. Thank you for showing me how love is supposed to feel like. I'm sorry that it....wasn't the love I gave her. Oh Father, I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry I hurt the best blessing You brought into my life. I'm sorry I did not know how to treasure her. I'm struggling to forgive myself. Please can give me the capacity to forgive myself. I pray that You can heal her heart for having tried to give me what she couldn't for so long. Father.... I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry she had to go through that. I don't feel like I deserve anyone's time or love right now. Please heal my heart for hurting and losing someone I loved so much because I was selfish and I couldn't see it. I don't want to take anymore, God, I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want this selfish heart. I don't want a hear that hurts. I want a heart that fills others with your love. 

Thank you for beginning to show me how to accept love from you so I can love without asking anything back. I want to be able to receive the never-ending, truly unconditional love from You so I can also love unconditionally, only because I have Your love. 

Father, I'm sorry. Thank you for being so good to me despite of who I was and what I did. I pray that You can heal her heart. Please, Father, please heal her heart.

I pray that You can release us from all the pain and hurt, Father. Release us for all of the things that are holding us back to really grow and be like You. 

Lastly....I pray that You can give me the privilege to love again, with the right heart, when the time is right. 

In the meantime, I pray that You will keep me in Your arms and never let me go, Father. Continue to mold me, Father. Holy Spirit, please come into my heart so You can speak to me and tell me what I need to do and what I shouldn't do. 

If You are willing to grant me the friendship, I'll praise You. If not, I'll praise You. 

I love you Father. Thank you for my pain, Father. I praise You for everything You have done. 

I pray in Your Name, 

Amen

second chances

Lord, Father, Holy Spirit...this has been on my mind for a while now.

Should I be thinking about what were the exact things that I did wrong? Maybe I'm approaching this too logically. I was thinking that if I could get a list of things I did wrong, there would be a physical list of things that tells me what went wrong, what my heart was like, and it might make it a little bit easier to focus on fixing what I did wrong. I....still do wish I actually was in a position to recognize how and what I was doing wrong so I could ask You to help me work on those.

Is that right? Should I do that? I don't know, God. I don't know. I'm sorry, I still want to fix things. Father, are You telling me that You're not giving me a change to fix things? I know that my heart wasn't right and maybe I wasn't really in a place to change effectively. But I'd like to think that my heart has begin to change now, and that You have been moving my heart. Are you still saying that I don't deserve a second chance? Or are You simply telling me to wait? I don't know, Father, I'm confused.

Speak to me, Lord. I do trust You and believe in You. It is scary because I am feeling like I'm taking steps that I can't see. Please help me trust You even more so I'm not scared anymore.

Father, help me crucify my self every day, every single day, every hour, every minute, because I want to be able to really, really depend on only You. I don't want to be driven by my fear, guilt, or my abilities. Because it's clear that I don't know what I'm doing. I always mess things up. I can't even learn how to love like You do and I thought I was doing it right. Lord, right now it doesn't feel like I deserve a second chance.

I don't even know if I should ask for the understanding of what You are doing. I'm just trying to keep my faith in You because I do know that You know what's best, and how to train and change my heart. I just....don't feel like, with my mess up, that I deserve a second chance.

Please just be with my heart, Father.

the fire

I think I'll listen to this sermon twice a day or something to help with this fire.

Especially after my pastor gave me a prophetic word, this is very, very relevant. Oh Father, light this fire.

did I?

Father, I keep asking myself today if I did anything right. I don't know why, but I'm having trouble getting myself out of this hole.

Did I help her with anything in her life? Was I just a terrible person that she was putting up with for months? 

Lord I don't know why but I can't shake this hold today. I feel like there's nothing I can do, so amount of apologies, that I can do or say to make up for anything.

I don't deserve anyone

Please crucify my flesh and heart everyday until I'm more like you, Lord. 

the adventures and the reality

I'm writing down some summary and my own thoughts about J.S. Park's sermon about relationships.

2 Timothy 2:20-21

But in a great house there are not only vessels of gold and silver, but also wood and clay, some for honor and some for dishonor. Therefore if anyone cleanses himself from the latter, he will be a vessel for honor, sanctified and useful for the Master, prepared for every good work. 

Paul was talking about purpose before he talks about purity in 2 Timothy 2:22

Flee also youthful lust; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 

Paul is first talking about how to merge your adventure with the other person's adventure. But it's about your purpose.

"If you make a relationship about the relationship, you will crush yourself and you will crush the other person, because there is nothing else outside the relationship." 

Some realities of relationships

1. We cannot invite someone to myself. The weight of another person cannot be only sustained by another person. 
2. If I'm not qualified to be my own boss, there must be someone who is qualified to be my boss. When people are in a relationship, when they are on this battlefield of this common adventure given from God, God is their commanding officer. This is saying, "I'm on this ride; just ride with me." 
3. The initial illusions of emotion cannot sustain a long-term commitment. Something else has to take over after the emotions have dispelled. There are a few things that can do this. 
1. One is by contract; "I do for you, and you do for me." 
2. Covenant, a love, a promise that "just because." It is only by Jesus' love that will create a love that is so deep in us that we'll be able to sustain the commitment of our earthly relationships. This is where Ephesians 5 compares marriage to the Gospel. Love is easy, it's run by feelings. But what is grace? It's a costly love. Grace is love crucified by sin.
4. Quit expecting perfection
5. Your significant other is their own person, with their own autonomy, hopes, and dreams. Let's no "winning their heart," but to merge two hearts together with their respective goals and dreams. 
6. It won't be based on feelings, but rather on the Promise of the Covenant that you've made before the Lord. 

--------------------------------------------

Ephesians 5 says, "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her." The Greek word actually says, "give your life over to your wife."

I have a lot of darkness and sin inside me. I know. I'm both sorry but thankful that this happened. I did feel what you felt for her too, Pastor Park, but my heart would have been destructive for both of us. My problem was I was squeezing time out of her for me, and as terrible as it was, I was blind to it too. It felt.....normal. I didn't see my jealousy. I expected her to do so much. I asked her to not have a life without realizing it. I asked her to change without truly understanding before I do so. What audacity! How could I have done that? Oh Father I don't know how, I was blind to how unhealthy I was acting. I know 100% that God wanted us to be apart so I can see how my heart was destroying us, hurting and destroying her. I maybe have made some parts of her happy, but it doesn't matter because neither of us could have lasted with where my heart was at. I was hanging onto my own life and asking her to love me. I was doing it wrong, because I wasn't really rooted in God so I wanted or needed that. Oh Father, thank you stopping me from hurting her more. I was so incredibly blind. I'm not saying that as an excuse. However difficult school is, I still needed to be held accountable for anything wrong and unhealthy I was doing. And then Jesus, You died for my wrongs and my sins because You love me. You saw all of the depth of my ugliness, the selfishness, the stubbornness, and yet You still died for me. Who am I to say anything else? The heart I was trying so hard to fill, how could I have done that with any earthly things? Thank you for showing me that I didn't deserve her. Thank you for showing me I don't have the right to ask for her back right now. Thank you for stopping me from hurting her more. Thank you for showing me that I need to be a man with the right heart, a heart committed to You, to be in any relationship. Thank you for showing me that I need to root myself in You before I can avoid what I had done.

Thank you Father for giving me the constant desire to give my life and heart. But more importantly, thank you for showing me that I need the heart solely focused on You before I can do that. Thank you for pointing out my ugliness so I can confront them to remove those roots. Thank you Father for starting to work on my heart and planting the seeds of faith, patience, and joy in my heart. Thank you for instilling this fear and reverence for You in my heart. I pray that You will show me what I can and should do, and when. Transform my being so I can be a man who can lead my relationship in that Covenant with You. I want to have the right heart so when I give my life to her, it only glorifies our Covenant with You. Continue to show me what is Your calling for me, so everything I do will honor You.

In Your Name, Amen.

prayer

I'm praying for your heart and your walk with God, diligently. Hallelujah! 

the renewing of your mind

I think sometimes it says a lot about people's hearts when things don't go the way they want. A loss, an obstacle, a dreaded news. Are the circumstances truly driving the heartaches? Or is it our own hearts that are driving the pain? I think that unfortunately it is human nature to usually the source of the problem. It's just like when one complains, it says a lot more about the individual than the situation.

I woke up this morning with a question: what makes us love someone? How and what does that fulfill? I have come to realize that the answer to that question goes all the way into your roots. Who do you see yourself as? What are your aspirations in life? What do you think sacrifice means? Do you know what love even means? There are numerous more questions that can be asked, and then on top of that, there are practical and ideal answers to most of the questions too.

When the aid ran away from my family, I learned about myself.

When my voice remains unheard among people who I thought cared about me, I learned about myself.

When I experienced a new kind of love but lost it a few years ago, I learned about myself.

When my family struggled to out food on the table, I learned about myself.

As my aunt remarried for the fourth time, I learned about myself.

When my father becomes verbally abusive and threatens to leave the family, I learned about myself.

When I first saw someone die, I learned about myself.

When people who walk closer to God pray for me, I learned about myself.

When someone hurt me, I learned about myself.

When my love wasn't enough, I learned about myself.

Isn't it sad that people (at least me) learn the most when there are hardships? When life happens?

Well, what did I learn?

I'm a selfish man who doesn't really know who he is. I learned more about what not to do than what to do. It has been lessons after lessons, and yet I continue to learn the same thing.

I realized that the problem is how I think. I grew up with a certain kind of mindset and worldview, just like everyone else, that I use to navigate through life and help me make decisions. I have some knowledge of Christ, and Jesus, and Christianity, but there were so much more transformation that needed to happen.

Do you know why they say, "you are the strongest when you're on your knees"? Because you have nothing else to lose. When I looked to Jesus, what I learned wasn't who I shouldn't be, but who I am because of who He is. But this knowledge, any knowledge, in and of itself has no power; it is discipline that drives the power. I needed to change the way I think.

I learned that when I live for myself, many things become fragile. I am fragile. I can't love the way I want to love without consequences. I can't love others without the love of God without consequences.

Love God, love yourself, and then love others. I got the order all wrong. I realized I never really received the love of God, and so I was never truly able to love myself. And I already tried to love others with "my love." How could I have loved anyone as fully and as unconditionally as the Father? That is against human nature, and I fell right into that trap.

I will change my way of thinking so I can go against what the world thinks is desirable and follow what God has said are true strengths. I want to receive His love so I can know, deep down inside my core, who I am in Him so I can love with the only type of love that can transform others for good. I want to keep the fire for Him burning as the driving force.

I have faith that if I truly walk with Him, He will continue to show me what great things He had already provided for me. He will continue to test my faith, and I will persevere. I have faith that He will give and restore what is the best for me, open doors, and bring people, new or old, into my life, and to lead me to great things that honor Him.

When you live for someone else, you don't know who you are, because you are of this world this is not eternal. But if you live for the Father, you are His child. Walk in His plan, He'll show you who you are. Grace is a teacher. Grace empowers us to understand the truth.

I want to love not because I want to feel loved but because He loves me and He loves you.

I'll be praying for every one of your walks with God.

God bless.