I kinda wanna talk about a few things. First of all, I've had this cough for about a month now. It's just the occasional dry coughs, but it just won't go away. Not sure what actually makes the coughs return, or maybe I'm just not well yet. Blah this needs to go away.
It's gotten colder than I expected. Then again, it's New England and thus I can't even say it's surprisingly colder 'cause we even had a snow storm one year ago. The reason why I mentioned the weather is because, while I got more winter clothes when I went back home during Columbus weekend, I did not bring my gloves and hat with me. Speaking of that, I also kinda need a haircut. Ugh everything is telling me to go home again but like, it's such a waste of time and I have an exam Monday so it's impractical to do so. I guess I could go buy another hat, and gloves could wait. I'll just start soaking my hair, I guess.
Oh yea, the DC food posts. I decided to take a break from those because there's been so much repeating meals/dishes that it's a waste of posts, really. Instead, I'll picture new and rare dishes that are served.
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I went people watching a little bit a few days ago, in between classes (after these exams I'll definitely do it again). I realized something that I wasn't able to figure out before. I realized that people, at least by their junior year, have found their "niche" in college, if you will. I don't know if people adapt to other niches, or do they create their own niches. Either case, a niche is common for upperclassmen. It's almost like home, except it's not strictly physical but more psychological. This is almost always a good thing.
The problem is, though, that once you have this niche, it's sometimes difficult to adapt to another. You always tend to go back to the niche when possible, and when you do, that's when your niche resolves your emotional and psychological tensions that others can't. Now, what if you don't really have that niche after a year or two in college? What if you never really found people who share similar things, like the same stuff, or even enjoy your company? You try to adapt into existing niches, yet while those niches may welcome you, the chances of you really adapting into this new niche, and the niche integrating you entirely, is another story.
This also describes some cases where a group of people began to know each other, establish "friendship," yet over time learned who themselves and others truly are, and the niche dissolved into, at least you as an, individual(s). What do you do then? It's like freshmen year all over again, except most people have their niches already, and now you technically don't.
'Cause then you begin making shallow friends who may stay on the surface for the rest of your lives. You may only know them by name, by what they study, and never their persons.
Well, you're kinda screwed. Because when you don't have a best friend, life really really sucks. I think this may as well be the reason why a lot of people hated high school because of phonies. I guess at this point, keep an open mind and be approachable, because the opposite is simply not the answer. Maybe someday you'll find a home for yourself. >.<
On the other end of the spectrum, you could also have found a beautiful niche filled with lovely and down-to-earth people who you know like siblings, without all the strangers' formality and such (I'm sure you know what I'm talking about).
How do you gauge this family that you've found? I don't know, really. I remember talking about having no expectations so anything becomes nice, pleasant surprises, but that is a depressing way to live.
The thing is though, I feel like a lot of my friends are simply growing apart from me. Or-I rather not think this-that they're never my real friends because they're just being friendly. Either case, though, I feel like everyone is slowly turning into different persons and I no longer know them. And then as I try to make new friends, the similar strangers effect thing comes into play, and you never know if they really want to be your friend. Obviously (almost) no one would just tell you in your face that they don't want to be your friend (...except this one person I know who would do that, but he's an exception).
I really really hate this feeling.
I mean, do you try to be nice or honest? That fine line cannot be redrawn after crossed. I mean, no one would play the honestly card unless a friendship requires such measure for one side to end or restore the friendship. But it is the choice of being nice or honest that leads to the need play that honestly card that could very well end something.
Sadly, I it comes down to if you like the person or not. It's gotten brutally simple. You walk through the garden of life, and you see all the different beautiful creations all around you. If you were to pick the ones you really like, you'll only pick a few, despite how beautiful the others look, there will only be a few that you truly like.
I used to think that many things are mutual. I'm sorry for those who had to learn this the hard way.
One of my favorite quotes by Jonathan Foer says
I regret that it takes a lifetime to learn how to live.I'm only 21, and there's still so much for me to learn. This quote, however, has always been on my mind ever since I finished Foer's book. The lessons that you learn in life can only be learned after you experience them, and sometimes the experience may come too late, and the lesson too harsh. I took this quote as a warning that it is not easy to live, and things abandoned cannot be retrieved all the time.
Why go through the bother to love everyone you meet when you know that not everyone will stay with you? Do I have enough pieces of my heart to give out? I do realize that before the day, it won't be easy, that I would want to give up constantly, that I would hurt. Is it worth it on the day when someone returns something back? Is it worth the equivalent exchange? I hope so.
Yea, I don't miss relationships. I miss love.
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