big day tomorrow

Before I actually start my post, I want to say up front that I will be trying to post more positive things than the shitty things that are happening in my life. I may be putting those in my private blog instead but we'll see. :)

So basically, tomorrow is my Genzyme interview (11 am) and my physical chemistry exam (7 pm).

Now, normally I'm not this anxious about dressing up and talking about why I want to work at wherever I was interested in, but this is Genzyme, one of the best summer research internships out there (at least available). I'm one of the 36 interviewee who got picked out of who knows how many applied. If I get accepted I'll be doing research that may end up treating a deadly disease. When I see someone getting healthier and healthier or even saved from the light, I may be able to say, "hey, I helped make that happen."

I mean, about a month ago Genzyme just got FDA approved for their new MS drug Lemtrada, a drug that targets CD52, a protein present in T and B cells (so lymphocytes) that are believed to be behind the autoimmune response that causes the destruction of myelin sheathes. I remember I really wanted to know how the drug works, and this news definitely got me psyched up for interning at a biotechnology company.

I think in addition to the pre-med track, this is what I want to be able to do.

In addition to the pure awesomeness of the job and what I can contribute, it's good pay for an internship too ($15-18/hour?) ERMAHGAWD I want this position!!

Best best luck to me I need all of them x)

I think that's all I wanna talk about today. I should be heading off soon, got early class tmw. G'night readers.

all the bright things

Basically, I don't have my facebook for a week. I gave it up for a week ish, for this hell week.

What can I say so far? Well, I still check the website, that's for sure. I feel rather disconnected from the world and my friends. Can't believe I'm saying this. Yea, a lot of my friends are on facebook because, well, that's just who I have so, shrug.

But yea, maybe I'll ask my friend for my facebook back around Friday or something, after everything's done.

Before I head off, I want to share this song if you haven't heard it. 

Yeah, whoever the last guy was who spoke last in the first video, that's exactly  what I would do, no doubt. Spend it every millisecond with the people I care about (not love because it's overrated, I'd rather say "care about"). 

Every night until last night, but no more because I need something real *smiles* Now I think about it, it's a bit ironic that I only made 55. All the foreshadowing x.x. 

Nevertheless, nothing will stop me from spending time and being with the people I care about!

Oh yea, like I said, didn't send the card. Lost my motivation to do so. Welp. 

--------------------------

Plan for tomorrow: two classes, lunch, major psych studying, maybe nap, dinner, more studying, dead. Sounds good. 

Oh, I'll do a post on the new layout of my dorm tomorrow. :) 

G'night, readers. 

this should have been over a long time ago

Ok, the party was fine. I had fun. Maybe not the most fun I've had, but it was very very nice to see everyone's faces and to just hang out.

This is like one of the few times I actually decided to drink. I maybe had 5 shots and 4 jello shots and I'm like completely fine. I don't even know how much that was. But I don't feel anything, that's for sure. Idk if I was actually aiming to get drunk or anything.

The thing is the party kinda turned into multiple small parties/conversations. And I can tell you that, although I was there, I wasn't really part of any actual ones. It was just a few oh hey how are you, comments here and there, and then that was all. And that's my life in my face once again.

I don't know why I'm writing all this. Oh right, I remember now.

What I realized and continued to lie to myself is that that one tiny part of me still tried. It tried so hard, so so hard, because just maybe one little thing would probably have worked. But then I think it has been way too clear that it just won't work. And the fact that the bond wasn't because of who I am. It never was anyways, and yet there I was, trying to convince that I had a part in it.

I'm done trying. No more. I'm done. Tim, you. are. done. You don't want to do this anymore, so just drop it. You are perfectly fine in your circles, so please, go to your circles.

It's just not something I can do, so now I'm willingly stepping out, ok than ever. It's only natural that one desires more to enjoy the company who can make you smile and laugh. Who am I to say that I can try to do that when in reality I just can't?

Should have just left everything with the jar when I did.

And maybe I'm just that....socially challenged. Or maybe it's just because everyone knows everyone else much better than I know everyone else. Yea, it's that. It's always fucking that. I still had fun because, well, it's just my life and I saw it coming from a million miles away anyway, and I tried to the best out of it, and I believe I did to the best of my ability.

Well, anyways, thanks for inviting me over, friends. I did enjoy it, I did.

Am I upset? I don't know. Maybe. I'm just sad.

If you read this, I don't want you to do anything different. Just forget about anything you just read.

But yea. I'm done. I am now officially accepting all of this, and I'm done.

Tim, ever thought of the fact that maybe those kinds of friends you're looking for just don't fucking exist? HAHA yea, Tim, you are a fucking idiot. Moving fucked you over and now you're looking for rain in the desert. Well you know what? You get a water bottle. Use it wisely.

I wish I don't value friendship as much as I do.

Ok I'm done, I don't want to talk about any of this anymore. No more.

TBIs

We talked about TBIs in my intro physiology class last Thursday. Professor Goodenough (what a name, eh?) focused on how the brain can get damaged: hitting the back damages the pre-frontal, and hitting the front recoils the brain backwards, and etc.

Talking about this TBI stuff reminded me how when I was a kid I was holding onto a railing and I fell backwards and slammed the back of my head on the concrete underneath the railing.

It hurt at first but didn't last long. I hope that incident didn't have any lasting effects o.o

lit

Just made a tumblr post about imagining a puppy or a dog jumping onto my bed and snuggle beside me as I begin to blog.

Ohhhh man I want a dog :(

Woke up tired.

Understood most of my PChem and (surprisingly) biochem lectures.

Had a career fair irrelevant to my major.

Productive study time in the library.

Bruised my thumb from sliding open buttons on my jacket.

Went to tutor for PChem and came back just as confused.

A friend asked me today about my blog posts.

Found Umass Compliments.

Parents advised me to find monthly-payment options for Surface Pro.

------------once again blogging in my friend's room because my roommate's asleep------------

You know, I think I didn't expect the topic to come up. But then again I don't really expect anything usually anyways. Was it a pleasant surprise? I guess so. This was the first time someone talked about what I post.

Maybe I do sound depressed, I don't know. but then again it's something I feel like I've lived with for so long that I don't even consider it "depression" anymore. The thing is, just as what John Green said, " pain...it demands to be felt." You said the sadness I feel isn't normal sadness. Maybe that's right, maybe it means that it's been there for too long and it's turned into a different kind of sadness. Maybe it's something that I keep trying to ignore and learn from but it turned into something else. I don't know. I really don't know.

Maybe I post more about things that upset me than about joyful events. I should try to do more happy posts.

I want to apologize if I made you worried, because that's definitely the last thing I'd do. Thank you, though, for bringing it up. Maybe I'll go talk to someone, but I guess I'll try my best to be more optimistic before to see if it works. Being and talking (not necessarily sharing) to friends already help, and you definitely do.

I really really hope that I do the same for you too, 'cause you know I would not hesitate in the slightest.

I think I just need more fun in my life, and by that I don't mean the occasional video games or movies. I want to have fun with friends, with you. That's what matters. Even if I just hang out with people and do nothing, it's better than antisocial.

You know, I just realized something as I'm writing this. I think I've been, to a degree, afraid to surround myself with friends because I have been blatantly ignored in a group before, and it used to happen quite often. I used to be  more talkative than I am now, but after a few years of ignorance, I more or less stopped offering my thoughts because I was simply told that no one cares about my presence. I told you about my homeschooling years and while I told myself that shouldn't have affected my social skills--I think they still did. Maybe I'm trying to undo that and have only been slightly successful.

All I ever wanted was some close friends with mental and emotional bonds. By that I mean I can feel free to text them about something funny I saw, made my day, bothering me, or just a hi, just because I want to talk to them and share what's on my mind. I don't even care if they judge, as long as they'll always be there and be supportive as friends. And I just want to be one of them, to them, as well.

Maybe that's too much to ask for, and maybe I'll never know.

Yea. If someone asked me about my life, I'd spill. Easily. Just because someone asked.

Ok the post is getting too long. I guess that's it for now.

Thanks again . If I see you tmw I'll give you a really big hug >.<

walk

As you stroll down the sidewalk, you marvel at how the leaves have fallen before the moon drains more from them than they could keep themselves alive. You see oncoming cars and wonder if they know who you are, or if they could see the pain in your eyes. Everything you listen to on your ipod brings memories and feelings back, all the ones you don't want to but must feel. You wonder why are you walking away from everything you loved and you really don't want to go back, because you don't want to stop walking. For some reason, walking gives you comfort. Maybe you believe you can walk off your feelings. It is freezing out and you are losing body heat fast but you know if you don’t try to walk off your feelings you will be better off frozen to death. You try to walk off those waves but they keep coming and you keep walking and the wind and walk continue to drain your bones of stamina, soul of life. Yet, there’s nothing you can do but to keep walking. You know for sure no one’s behind you, because you've walked for so long that even if people were wondering where you were going, they got places to go, people to see. You clench your fist inside your jacket, realizing you are losing more heat than you imagined, but you somehow decided to walk slower, and slowly you begin to lose the will to walk, thinking, “what’s the point, I can't walk this off.” You began to collapse, thinking maybe you can just lie down and not care about or feel anything. You see the headlights of oncoming cars and thought, “what if I walked in front and they don't see me until a second later?” The light pierced your eyes and your vision blurred.

The lights began to remind you of the things you have no control over; the things you wish you said; the things you wish you didn’t say; the people you wish you loved; the people you wish who loved you; the things you let go; the things you didn’t let go; the times when you could have just tried harder; the times when you wish you knew not to try anymore; the people you wish you grew closer; the people you wanted to know more about; the stories you wanted to hear; the stories you wanted to tell, but no one wants to listen because it’s your story.
But above all, it reminded you that you need to carry on because you know you can still give your bleeding love, even though it may not be appreciated or acknowledged, from your broken heart. Because maybe, just maybe, that tiny bit that you tried to give can bring the tiniest smile to someone you love, or even a stranger.
You know that you need to be content. You wonder what is happiness right now. You ask yourself why there are different types of happiness. Why can the happiness today be different from the happiness tomorrow. Why sometimes you say someone’s happiness is your happiness but in reality it may not be that way. You have the ability to make someone smile, but you wondered if it’s all worth the pain. You wonder if you can call that pain. You wonder if you can just be selfish for once, or twice. You wonder all these then you remembered that you swore to feel everything, that you wanted to feel everything because this is life.

And still, you walked. You hated time. You hated how time matters. You hated how time does not matter. You hated how sometimes things are just sensitive subjects that no one talks about. You hate how they are sensitive subject and the reason why no one talks about them. You hated how you know you could have fought for everything but no one can ever tell you if that was the right thing to do.

And walking is one of them.

absolutely nothing

Trigger warning

It's a really heavy poem from Perks of Being a Wallflower:

Once on a yellow piece of paper with green lines
he wrote poem
And he called it "Chops"
because that was the name of his dogs
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and a gold star
And his mother hung it on the kitchen door
and read it to his aunts
That was the year Father Tracy
took all the kids to the zoo
And he let them sing on the bus
And his little sister was born
with tiny toenails and no hair
And his mother and father kissed a lot
And the girl around the corner sent him a
Valentine signed with a row of X's
and he had to ask his father what the X's meant
And his father always tucked him in bed at night
And was always there to do it 

Once on a piece of white paper with blue lines
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Autumn"
because that was the name of the season
And that's what it was all about
And his teacher gave him an A
and asked him to write more clearly
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because of its new paint
And the kids told him that Father Tracy smoked cigars
And left butts on the pews
And sometimes they would burn holes
That was the year his sister got glasses
with thick lenses and black frames
And the girl around the corner laughed
when he asked her to go see Santa Claus
And the kids told him why
his mother and father kissed a lot
And his father never tucked him in bed at night
And his father got mad
when he cried for him to do it 

Once on a paper torn from his notebook
he wrote a poem
And he called it "Innocence: A Question"
because that was the question about his girl
And that's what it was all about
And his professor gave him an A
and a strange steady look
And his mother never hung it on the kitchen door
because he never showed her
That was the year that Father Tracy died
And he forgot how the end
of the Apostle's Creed went
And he caught his sister
making out on the back porch
And his mother and father never kissed
or even talked
And the girl around the corner
wore too much makeup
That made him cough when he kissed her
but he kissed her anyway
because that was the thing to do
And at three A.M he tucked himself into bed
his father snoring soundly

That's why on the back of a brown paper bag
he tried another poem
And he called it "Absolutely Nothing"
Because that's what it was really all about
And he gave himself an A
and a slash on each damned wrist
And he hung it on the bathroom door
because this time he didn't think
he could each the kitchen

the last question

I came across this sci-fi short story, The Last Question by Isaac Asimov. I just finished it and would like to respond a little bit on it.

Spoiler alert! I mean I'll try not to spoil anything...just go read the story first lol

I think it's beautifully written and weaved, the way Asimov did. The progression with the oneness of the question and mind worked out quite well because it reflects some common, yet unanswerable questions we have ourselves. I guess over the course of the different scenes I hoped for an actual answer from the AC but about half way through it's clear that it wasn't going to actually give an answer, because hey, we don't know the answer ourselves either.

An interesting part was anticipating how the characters from each scenes arrived at that question, and also how AC's answer varied slightly every time the question was asked. I feel like there is something in its wordings, but I don't see anything that really stood out. Maybe I'm just missing it >.>

In any case, however, the ending was the best part of the story. It tied everything together so perfectly and delicately. Best twist I've ever read in a long while.

Just go read it if you haven't, absolutely loved it :)