I just more or less deleted half of my blog posts, namely the ones tagged "a click of the tongue," which was the title of my old blog. Basically I had about 516 posts before the cleaning today. Now I have...269. Nice.
Other than most of the things, thoughts, and history that I "deleted," I found a few things that I wanted to keep, so if you click the tag on the right side of my blog you can still find them.
Anyways, that's that.
I'm sick and feel sick. I haven't gotten sick in like almost a year now, but now I'm all congested and sore and all that good sickness jazz. >.> Yea, it's called Nemo. Who's naming these storms, anyway?
Also, I need to more in more images into my posts so it's friendlier.
I think I might play a little DS3 before I look at my biochem homework.
Aaaaaand there goes my unknown neighbor screaming at God-knows-what again.
Friday, February 8, 2013
Thursday, February 7, 2013
haunting memories
I originally only posted this in my private blog, but I thought about it and decided that it should be here too. So here goes.
I'm not sure what brought these memories back, but I wanna put them down because I think it is important. I feel like this is something I need to do. I thought I have done so before at some time, but I couldn't find it, which means that I most likely did not post about it. But here goes...the story of the two events that stuck with me today.
One memory is of the time when I was maybe in second or third grade. I was still in Taiwan, living in a condo with three floors with like a roof balcony. Well anyways, we had hired a Filipino maid because both my parents are working, so it's similar to a baby sitter except she also does chores around the house and helps with meals.
And here is where the haunting part comes in.
I was a douche as a kid. I'm not sure why exactly, but I was a total jerk. Now why do I say that? Maybe it's because I would make my maid's life absolutely miserable. I remember there were multiple times where I would make these note cards, and on these cards I would write, "[name of maid] got scolded by my dad," or, "[name] broke a vase," or, "[she] did something wrong." Basically, I would make up scenarios that she would feel uncomfortable about, put each of them on a card, and draw them from a hat to mock her. That was like a daily routine for me and my brother; we would take turns mocking her, and we would just laugh, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but all I remember from that time was we're having fun. It never crossed our minds what she was feeling. I remember her asking me one day if I really hated her like that. I didn't realize it then, but I still remember her voice. It was a heartbreaking sob where you could hear her trying to find all the reason to stay in the midst of trouble and obstacles. And I was not making it any easier for her. I do not recall what I said to her, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore...
Everything seemed normal for the douchebag me until one day I woke up and I couldn't find her. I looked through the entire house and found no signs of her. She wouldn't be out this early because she had to make breakfast for us. I woke up my parents, and they gave the agency a call. After a few hours, it turned out that she had ran away. I remember hearing the confirmation from my parents as they're still on the phone; I remember myself shaking from the reality. I don't remember if I cried or not, but what I'm sure of is that her running away scarred me somewhat. My parents told me that it wasn't because of our actions that she ran away, but more because of her boyfriend, that she most likely ran off somewhere with her boyfriend. At the time, that explanation wasn't enough to convince me that I didn't do it. It stuck with me for a little bit, and I forgot about it...until maybe a few years ago.
Anyways, this memory came back to me today, and I couldn't shake it off for the past 3 hours or so. If I have the chance, to see her again, I would not hesitate to apologize for my behavior before. It was in no way justified, and I might have as well ruined her life in ways I didn't know I could.
-----
Another one is about the first year I moved to the states: 8 years ago, Albany, GA. My family is a second generations Christian, and so we pretty much looked for a local church for regular service as soon as we could. I don't remember the name of the church we went to, but I remember it had a youth group where all the kids hung out (a lot of churches have a youth group or something similar). I remember my brother did not want to spend time with random and strange kids so he stayed with my parents through their service. Now I was sent to the youth group, thinking that it was a chance for me to be the big brother and be independent and be by myself and be ok. At the time I was into a certain robot video game that involved designing your own robot for like battles and whatnot. Throughout the earlier periods of the youth group gathering, I was just by myself, drawing and designing robots for the game in my own little world.
All of a sudden, a girl walked up to me and sat down beside me. She was shining with happiness and warm, ready to welcome the newcomer and introduce herself. She must only had been a year or two younger or older than I was, but I don't remember. I don't remember her name. I kind of remember what she looked like and her voice. What I do remember, however, is I gave her the coldest shoulder I have ever given to anyone. There she was, being all excited and welcoming and approachable, while I was looking down at a piece of paper, drawing stupid robot figures and more or less ignoring her kindness. I can still feel that awkward space as she ran out of stuff to say and we were just sitting there quietly for about 15 seconds or so until she said something along the lines of, "well, I'm glad you're here! I'll be over there if you want to come chat!" and left me to my ego. I cringe every single time I remember this. I think because of all the homeschooling (almost 4 years of that) I never thought I'd need friends. I was perfectly fine on my own, and worst comes to worst I can hang out with my brother, like we always could.
I never said hi to her ever after she reached out to me. She tried maybe once or twice after that, but I don't remember. I moved to MA after a year in GA.
Goddamnit, when this all hit me a few years ago, all I wanted to do is find her and say how sorry I am for how I treated her. I couldn't even give her one minute of my time. I barely gave her my name! I get mad at myself whenever I think of this.
*huge sigh* Well, that's what had been stuck on my restless mind. Maybe this post will help. I guess the moral of the stories is that be nice to people and when someone reaches out to you, reach back because you are acknowledging a helping hand, and that always makes the person feel rewarded and needed.
I'm not sure what brought these memories back, but I wanna put them down because I think it is important. I feel like this is something I need to do. I thought I have done so before at some time, but I couldn't find it, which means that I most likely did not post about it. But here goes...the story of the two events that stuck with me today.
One memory is of the time when I was maybe in second or third grade. I was still in Taiwan, living in a condo with three floors with like a roof balcony. Well anyways, we had hired a Filipino maid because both my parents are working, so it's similar to a baby sitter except she also does chores around the house and helps with meals.
And here is where the haunting part comes in.
I was a douche as a kid. I'm not sure why exactly, but I was a total jerk. Now why do I say that? Maybe it's because I would make my maid's life absolutely miserable. I remember there were multiple times where I would make these note cards, and on these cards I would write, "[name of maid] got scolded by my dad," or, "[name] broke a vase," or, "[she] did something wrong." Basically, I would make up scenarios that she would feel uncomfortable about, put each of them on a card, and draw them from a hat to mock her. That was like a daily routine for me and my brother; we would take turns mocking her, and we would just laugh, and I can't believe I'm saying this, but all I remember from that time was we're having fun. It never crossed our minds what she was feeling. I remember her asking me one day if I really hated her like that. I didn't realize it then, but I still remember her voice. It was a heartbreaking sob where you could hear her trying to find all the reason to stay in the midst of trouble and obstacles. And I was not making it any easier for her. I do not recall what I said to her, but I guess it doesn't matter anymore...
Everything seemed normal for the douchebag me until one day I woke up and I couldn't find her. I looked through the entire house and found no signs of her. She wouldn't be out this early because she had to make breakfast for us. I woke up my parents, and they gave the agency a call. After a few hours, it turned out that she had ran away. I remember hearing the confirmation from my parents as they're still on the phone; I remember myself shaking from the reality. I don't remember if I cried or not, but what I'm sure of is that her running away scarred me somewhat. My parents told me that it wasn't because of our actions that she ran away, but more because of her boyfriend, that she most likely ran off somewhere with her boyfriend. At the time, that explanation wasn't enough to convince me that I didn't do it. It stuck with me for a little bit, and I forgot about it...until maybe a few years ago.
Anyways, this memory came back to me today, and I couldn't shake it off for the past 3 hours or so. If I have the chance, to see her again, I would not hesitate to apologize for my behavior before. It was in no way justified, and I might have as well ruined her life in ways I didn't know I could.
-----
Another one is about the first year I moved to the states: 8 years ago, Albany, GA. My family is a second generations Christian, and so we pretty much looked for a local church for regular service as soon as we could. I don't remember the name of the church we went to, but I remember it had a youth group where all the kids hung out (a lot of churches have a youth group or something similar). I remember my brother did not want to spend time with random and strange kids so he stayed with my parents through their service. Now I was sent to the youth group, thinking that it was a chance for me to be the big brother and be independent and be by myself and be ok. At the time I was into a certain robot video game that involved designing your own robot for like battles and whatnot. Throughout the earlier periods of the youth group gathering, I was just by myself, drawing and designing robots for the game in my own little world.
All of a sudden, a girl walked up to me and sat down beside me. She was shining with happiness and warm, ready to welcome the newcomer and introduce herself. She must only had been a year or two younger or older than I was, but I don't remember. I don't remember her name. I kind of remember what she looked like and her voice. What I do remember, however, is I gave her the coldest shoulder I have ever given to anyone. There she was, being all excited and welcoming and approachable, while I was looking down at a piece of paper, drawing stupid robot figures and more or less ignoring her kindness. I can still feel that awkward space as she ran out of stuff to say and we were just sitting there quietly for about 15 seconds or so until she said something along the lines of, "well, I'm glad you're here! I'll be over there if you want to come chat!" and left me to my ego. I cringe every single time I remember this. I think because of all the homeschooling (almost 4 years of that) I never thought I'd need friends. I was perfectly fine on my own, and worst comes to worst I can hang out with my brother, like we always could.
I never said hi to her ever after she reached out to me. She tried maybe once or twice after that, but I don't remember. I moved to MA after a year in GA.
Goddamnit, when this all hit me a few years ago, all I wanted to do is find her and say how sorry I am for how I treated her. I couldn't even give her one minute of my time. I barely gave her my name! I get mad at myself whenever I think of this.
*huge sigh* Well, that's what had been stuck on my restless mind. Maybe this post will help. I guess the moral of the stories is that be nice to people and when someone reaches out to you, reach back because you are acknowledging a helping hand, and that always makes the person feel rewarded and needed.
thought of the day
I'm gonna do two posts today. One is this, and I'll follow it up with another later.
I just wanna put down how my day was. I have more or less busy Thursdays:
9:30 - 10:45 am - class
11 am - 1 pm choice of lunch and homework/study
2:30 - 3:45 pm - class
4 - 8 pm - work
While busy, I woke up today and my throat was killing me. Like absolutely killing me. I was in pain in addition to the expected dryness. I'm not sure if the pain was caused by the dryness but either case, my throat is becoming compromised and ingesting anything became slightly painful already. Swallowing hurts, and breathing through my mouth hurts my throat more because the air dries it even further. I'm gonna keep drinking hot/warm water and see if it goes away.
Despite my throat acting up, I was on my way to my 2:30 class when all of a sudden a peace came over me. I unconsciously looked up at the clear sky, and somehow I felt like I was absorbing all the good things in my life at that instant. It felt like I was counting all of my blessings...
and I felt, for a brief moment, content. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever felt, because at the same time my mind also went through the things that could have gone right, things that could have been better. The list grew quite long, but I was still content. It was really weird, but I liked it.
As you can see from the schedule, I'm actually at work right now. I'm 15 minutes into my shift, but I don't know when people will come in for tutor, if at all, so this may be posted in minutes or an hour or two.
I really want to take something for my throat. Maybe I shouldn't have come to work today. Blargh.
I just wanna put down how my day was. I have more or less busy Thursdays:
9:30 - 10:45 am - class
11 am - 1 pm choice of lunch and homework/study
2:30 - 3:45 pm - class
4 - 8 pm - work
While busy, I woke up today and my throat was killing me. Like absolutely killing me. I was in pain in addition to the expected dryness. I'm not sure if the pain was caused by the dryness but either case, my throat is becoming compromised and ingesting anything became slightly painful already. Swallowing hurts, and breathing through my mouth hurts my throat more because the air dries it even further. I'm gonna keep drinking hot/warm water and see if it goes away.
Despite my throat acting up, I was on my way to my 2:30 class when all of a sudden a peace came over me. I unconsciously looked up at the clear sky, and somehow I felt like I was absorbing all the good things in my life at that instant. It felt like I was counting all of my blessings...
and I felt, for a brief moment, content. It was the weirdest feeling I've ever felt, because at the same time my mind also went through the things that could have gone right, things that could have been better. The list grew quite long, but I was still content. It was really weird, but I liked it.
As you can see from the schedule, I'm actually at work right now. I'm 15 minutes into my shift, but I don't know when people will come in for tutor, if at all, so this may be posted in minutes or an hour or two.
I really want to take something for my throat. Maybe I shouldn't have come to work today. Blargh.
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
skype
I asked a good friend of mine if she wanted to Skype and just chat a couple of times. She replied a few times but only said that she's either not at her laptop, she's outside, or busy. I think I'm just gonna go with the idea that she doesn't want to Skype me and has better things to do. :(
You know, I think in retrospect, I think we were good friends because we're just nice to each other. That make us fall into the category of "friends," not because of who the other is but rather who we are individually.
Because this actually makes sense now.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh well. This is pretty much my life anyways.
You know, I think in retrospect, I think we were good friends because we're just nice to each other. That make us fall into the category of "friends," not because of who the other is but rather who we are individually.
Because this actually makes sense now.
Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhh well. This is pretty much my life anyways.
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
names
I remember a few years ago (back in high school?) that I started noticing what people call me. By that I mean what name did they use to address me. Most people just call me by my first name Tim, some Timmy, one person (I miss you!) calls me Timmy Tim. I love that.
But some people call me first and then last name. I mean, that's fine, but after a while I realized that I don't really like it. It feels too detached for some reason. Saying the two doesn't have a sense of familiarity to it
And I guess this is partially confirmed by who uses what name. As in, a lot of people I don't really know uses my full name instead of Tim, Timmy, or even Timmy Tim. Plus, it feels like they put their feeling into it. It's kinda like, when you're comfortable around someone, you don't use their full name, but rather you come up with something that's more familiar and informal. I like that.
Well, that's my rant for the night.
But some people call me first and then last name. I mean, that's fine, but after a while I realized that I don't really like it. It feels too detached for some reason. Saying the two doesn't have a sense of familiarity to it
And I guess this is partially confirmed by who uses what name. As in, a lot of people I don't really know uses my full name instead of Tim, Timmy, or even Timmy Tim. Plus, it feels like they put their feeling into it. It's kinda like, when you're comfortable around someone, you don't use their full name, but rather you come up with something that's more familiar and informal. I like that.
Well, that's my rant for the night.
Sunday, February 3, 2013
LRC!
First tutor shift of this semester went rather well! Well, by "well" I mean no one showed up. I'm pretty sure it's because 1) it's a Sunday very early in the semester, and 2) it's a super bowl Sunday. I worked 2-7 pm today, and had food at the CC. Watched a bit of the game, basically saw the Ravens dominating. I went back to my tv-less dorm at the end of second quarter with 20-6 Ravens, I think.
Apparently there was a blackout? I wish I saw that lol. I'll look it up maybe tomorrow.
I've also noticed that I've been having less meat and more non-meats for meals. But then again I think I ordered wings a few times this past two weeks. They probably evened each other out. *shrug* Oh well, I can probably give myself a "you tried" star.
Ok. Rant. This BURA site is supposed to have all their projects and accepted students listed by TODAY. They only listed some students for about half of their projects. What the hell? What about the other ones? Seriously, they need to get their stuff together and decide already. Or just pick me, ya know, that works too.
Tomorrow's the end of add/drop period and if they don't get things sorted out by like noon tomorrow, I'm not gonna be happy camper. >:(
UGHHH. I'm very mad at this stuff. It's been driving me crazy.
Apparently there was a blackout? I wish I saw that lol. I'll look it up maybe tomorrow.
I've also noticed that I've been having less meat and more non-meats for meals. But then again I think I ordered wings a few times this past two weeks. They probably evened each other out. *shrug* Oh well, I can probably give myself a "you tried" star.
Ok. Rant. This BURA site is supposed to have all their projects and accepted students listed by TODAY. They only listed some students for about half of their projects. What the hell? What about the other ones? Seriously, they need to get their stuff together and decide already. Or just pick me, ya know, that works too.
Tomorrow's the end of add/drop period and if they don't get things sorted out by like noon tomorrow, I'm not gonna be happy camper. >:(
UGHHH. I'm very mad at this stuff. It's been driving me crazy.
conversations
Going to keep this short; gotta wake up 8 in the morning tomorrow for church. (We will see how that goes)
Today was the LRC training day for my tutor job. It went from 10 am to 3 pm, but ended earlier because we either were ultra-productive or they simply didn't plan much. I'd like to think it's both.
The session involved a breakfast intro, tutors group activities vs. SI activities, lunch, and discussions about experiences and suggestions. That sounds like a lot, but it wasn't. I mostly enjoyed the social aspect of it. We talked about our interests, what inspired us to do what we want to do, our plans, and suggestions for each other. I made two friends, one a returning tutor (pre-med track, biology / neuroscience guy), and another a freshman (biology / Spanish; I told her to double major instead of a Spanish minor) who will be working at the desk reception on Thursdays. I will be working Tues/Thurs/Sundays so I will see her there! I also share one hour on my Sunday shift with the other tutor, so this will be fun :) Plus, I get a 75 cent raise! :D I will be working 13 hours/week, and I'm actually pretty excited.
Nevertheless, the discussions and conversations pretty much light up my day. It was a good morning.
OK. All this research stuff is getting me all upset and anxious and annoyed. I need these 2 days to be over right now, or just let me know that I got in...........k bai.
So my friend's still sick from something, and I guess I've been showing much worrying and it's probably annoying people. I mean, I can't exactly tell how "annoying" I was being because I just wanted to know how her day was and wanna be helpful and all. I get the sense that people just wanna be left alone, and I get that sometimes too.
Can't find the balance between caring too little and caring too much. Blargh :(
Well, I'm glad another friend's feeling better. Why is everyone getting random sicknesses and then getting better but then some people get sick again? Ugh is there something viral going on or something :( I mean I even feel like I'm getting something...
----
On another note, I tumblr'ed onto an image that, I think, described my "effort" so far and I think it lit a bulb in me. The quote goes as follows:
You need to just appreciate the presence of love, whether how deep or strong it is. If it is there, treasure it, because often times even that is hard to find.
That concludes my rant of the day. Heading off soon and I haz churchz tmw~
Sweet dreams, readers.
Today was the LRC training day for my tutor job. It went from 10 am to 3 pm, but ended earlier because we either were ultra-productive or they simply didn't plan much. I'd like to think it's both.
The session involved a breakfast intro, tutors group activities vs. SI activities, lunch, and discussions about experiences and suggestions. That sounds like a lot, but it wasn't. I mostly enjoyed the social aspect of it. We talked about our interests, what inspired us to do what we want to do, our plans, and suggestions for each other. I made two friends, one a returning tutor (pre-med track, biology / neuroscience guy), and another a freshman (biology / Spanish; I told her to double major instead of a Spanish minor) who will be working at the desk reception on Thursdays. I will be working Tues/Thurs/Sundays so I will see her there! I also share one hour on my Sunday shift with the other tutor, so this will be fun :) Plus, I get a 75 cent raise! :D I will be working 13 hours/week, and I'm actually pretty excited.
Nevertheless, the discussions and conversations pretty much light up my day. It was a good morning.
OK. All this research stuff is getting me all upset and anxious and annoyed. I need these 2 days to be over right now, or just let me know that I got in...........k bai.
So my friend's still sick from something, and I guess I've been showing much worrying and it's probably annoying people. I mean, I can't exactly tell how "annoying" I was being because I just wanted to know how her day was and wanna be helpful and all. I get the sense that people just wanna be left alone, and I get that sometimes too.
Can't find the balance between caring too little and caring too much. Blargh :(
Well, I'm glad another friend's feeling better. Why is everyone getting random sicknesses and then getting better but then some people get sick again? Ugh is there something viral going on or something :( I mean I even feel like I'm getting something...
----
On another note, I tumblr'ed onto an image that, I think, described my "effort" so far and I think it lit a bulb in me. The quote goes as follows:
Somehow I guess I thought if I loved you enough and if I was good enough to you that you would love me back and I could finally get what I want at least once but I couldn't even do that and after all my efforts you still don't want or can't seem to love me like I love youI wanna say a few things. First of all I agree with most of what (s)he's saying, but I realize that any effort doesn't always mean there will be an outcome, and therefore no one should expect one. Furthermore, that last line assumes that everyone loves the same way, and love has only one scale. What I have learned is that people love in their own ways. Maybe this one gesture means a whole lot to someone, while not as much to someone else. Or, maybe you don't think someone is loving you enough, but maybe the way that person is loving you is to their current best ability.
You need to just appreciate the presence of love, whether how deep or strong it is. If it is there, treasure it, because often times even that is hard to find.
That concludes my rant of the day. Heading off soon and I haz churchz tmw~
Sweet dreams, readers.
Saturday, February 2, 2013
shot voice
Where should I start?
I found a church I can go to on campus. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I think I might join a small group or something. Will update :)
Had a rough night last night, woke up and didn't go to my only class today. I don't think I missed anything major, so I should be alright in terms of materials.
I was deciding whether I wanted to be social today after lunch with friends. Since I was antisocial last night, I decided I'll be social today and go to the hockey game with a friend. It was my first time to a hockey game, and we played against BU and won 5-1. I had a fun time learning chants and rituals. Definitely an awesome (first) game for me :) Came back and realized my voice's relatively shot haha, oh well.
Also. Found out Three Olives Grape vodka tastes pretty damn good (I'm not a drinker, but this stuff is amazing)
Also, I feel like I've been spending too much money. Got a new controller, got wings like twice in two weeks, got my new watch (which btw is absolutely GORGEOUS), and textbooks. My amazon trade-in giftcard thingy needs to go through, and my tutor shifts need to start zz
OH. BURA is starting to announce accepted students. Honestly I'm so scared for my life right now. Goddamnit the suspense, I really wanna know now! There's a chance I'll get in, but I don't really wanna wait until the last minute (Sunday) to know...that's two days away! I can't stand this! UGH. *crosses fingers and prays*
On a similar note, I've started looking for summer labs, so like Genzyme, Lincoln, and UMass Med. At least these are the ones I could find at the moment, and their deadlines are in roughly 2-4 weeks. I'll be doing the applications in that order. More finger crosses!
There's the LRC tutor training day tomorrow from 10-3pm. It'll be a slightly dull day for me, but I get paid so I'm not complaining! :D I think it'll almost be nine bucks this semester. Oh I will definitely continue this until I graduate...I absolutely love this job. I'm sooo glad I got it. Damn.
I tumblr'ed this, but here are two thoughts of the day:
You ever wondered if the reason you have (some) friends is not because of who you are but because of who they are? This is something you cannot prove or disprove.
There’s a difference between those who want to listen to you talk and those who want to talk to you. As different as they are, you need friends who at least do either one, if not both.
I found a church I can go to on campus. I'm actually pretty excited about it. I think I might join a small group or something. Will update :)
Had a rough night last night, woke up and didn't go to my only class today. I don't think I missed anything major, so I should be alright in terms of materials.
I was deciding whether I wanted to be social today after lunch with friends. Since I was antisocial last night, I decided I'll be social today and go to the hockey game with a friend. It was my first time to a hockey game, and we played against BU and won 5-1. I had a fun time learning chants and rituals. Definitely an awesome (first) game for me :) Came back and realized my voice's relatively shot haha, oh well.
Also. Found out Three Olives Grape vodka tastes pretty damn good (I'm not a drinker, but this stuff is amazing)
 |
| Kenneth Cole NY #KC1793 |
OH. BURA is starting to announce accepted students. Honestly I'm so scared for my life right now. Goddamnit the suspense, I really wanna know now! There's a chance I'll get in, but I don't really wanna wait until the last minute (Sunday) to know...that's two days away! I can't stand this! UGH. *crosses fingers and prays*
On a similar note, I've started looking for summer labs, so like Genzyme, Lincoln, and UMass Med. At least these are the ones I could find at the moment, and their deadlines are in roughly 2-4 weeks. I'll be doing the applications in that order. More finger crosses!
There's the LRC tutor training day tomorrow from 10-3pm. It'll be a slightly dull day for me, but I get paid so I'm not complaining! :D I think it'll almost be nine bucks this semester. Oh I will definitely continue this until I graduate...I absolutely love this job. I'm sooo glad I got it. Damn.
I tumblr'ed this, but here are two thoughts of the day:
You ever wondered if the reason you have (some) friends is not because of who you are but because of who they are? This is something you cannot prove or disprove.
There’s a difference between those who want to listen to you talk and those who want to talk to you. As different as they are, you need friends who at least do either one, if not both.
I'll leave with those two. Gonna head off, training day tomorrow!
G'night readers
G'night readers
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