This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.
This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.
This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your
cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly
dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though
you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was
all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted
the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor
that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive
person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had
nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her
concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time
she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious”
between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the
beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of
reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And
even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you
went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.
The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due.
And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as
they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From
what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends
at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that
many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they
just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say
irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would
be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much
from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no,
it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable
men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to
sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like
that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection
breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m
going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say
that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are
definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they
should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is
finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.
So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all
the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself
described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs
your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party
escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the
crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are
the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude
go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved
vindication is coming.
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