what makes you happy

I think it's rather uncommon for people to really think about the question, "what makes you happy?"

So, since I just asked you, why don't you answer? What makes you happy?

I guess I'll do a short list. (Just as a mental picture, I am currently smiling, yet my heart's cringing)

• A good cup of tea
• Walking in a 60 degrees rainstorm 
• Walking and singing. I've noticed that I've been doing this a lot more, and I don't care what people think of me. I'm in a happy place, deal with it. 
• The presence of people. Just the presence, especially ones I love
• Playing the keyboard flawlessly (key word: flawlessly) 
• Being able to sing a song I like...damnit my vocal range is too short :( 
• Watching FRIENDS. Best show ever. 
• Worship songs. Omg worship songs all the way. I almost always tear up when I listen to/sing them, but that's the beauty of them. LOVE worship songs. 
• Finishing a good book
• Knowing that I learned something useful in school
• Good grades
• Wearing freshly dried clothes/pants
• A good night's sleep/nap 
• Vibratos, especially on a violin (gawd I need to go back to that...) 
• Reading good manga
• Movie nights 
• Waking up without alarm 
• Finishing work well before due date
• Hugs

And then..there's you. 

Honestly...talking to you makes me so happy. Blah, welp. 

I'll try. 

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Time to study for two exams!!! Wooooooooohoooooooo (not) 

what matters

This weekend is long weekend in so many places. Monday's off for a lot of people, even though Veteran's Day is today. They could have just left it on Sunday, but I guess it's nice that they are still taking Monday off for us.

Before I begin a small rant, I just want to leave this photo here (from reddit):

I'm not gonna lie, but this image is one of the most heartbreaking images I've ever seen in my life.

This is Jason K. Edens, 22, from Tennessee. He was assigned to 1st Squadron, 13th Cavalry Regiment, 3rd Brigade Combat Team in Texas. On April 15th, his unit was attacked by a small arms fire in Laghman, Afghanistan. He did not survive his injuries.

He knew he was putting himself in harm's way. His wife Ashley knew he was putting himself in harm's way. They knew that the ever-dreading day might come, and I undoubtedly believe that they pray everyday the day never comes. And yet, this picture brings out almost all the unworthiness of war and simply the sound of heart breaking of Ashley. They're both only 22, and yet they had to suffer this possibility. I cringe just at the thought of that.

Maybe Jason's encounter with arms wasn't a major one in the scheme of history; maybe he was simply one of the tons of people who lost their lives. But this is the atrocity of war, the living proof that so many people do not value human lives. Is it a reality check? I guess so. I simply have no words for the fact that war still exists. A professor once said, "answer to everything in history is power." Power is such a costly thing to have, I don't think it's worth the amount of tears and sounds of cries that this lone word of "power" has resulted. It just isn't.

And on a greater scheme, war was what created "freedom" we have today, whatever that may mean. Maybe ways other than war would not be possible because people can still resort to war for immediate results. As long as war remains an option to resolve tension or to obtain something, it can and will be used. It's just so sad.

My heart and prayers go out to all the families, defenders, and soldiers across the globe. The words "thank you" cannot express what you do, what you have to endure, but for us who are not in your position, almost anything we do fall short to your achievements.

Thank you. Remember the ones who lost their lives yet won with their souls. Before humanity knows the atrocity of war, before we can only fight war with war, my prayers will go out to you all.

the power of human touch

What is a hug?

Actually, what is a good hug? How much can a good hug mean?

It's when someone puts down everything in his/her life, at that very instance-- especially the bad, upsetting, heartbreaking, and judgmental--to hold you, your soul, your heart, your life, your identity, and your very being, with his/her best self and existence. At that instance, it is just two souls, two beings, holding each other, treasuring the existence of the other.

What comes after is even more beautiful: their very self begins to flood into your mind; who they were, are, and will be; the fact that you wanted to give them a legitimate hug means you want to show them how you love them in whatever way you do, how much they mean to you, etc. As who they are begins to solidify in your mind, you give them a little squeeze in the hug (like a hug of a hug) and/or a little back rub.

The first part happens probably within 1-2 seconds. The second part can be longer. Of course, a longer second part / hug becomes cuddling....yep.

A hug is so powerful because it represents a mutual acknowledgement and relationship between two people. It is the bridge through which love flows.

Then again, hugs are a way of showing love. There are plenty of other ways to, but personally, I think a hug is the most powerful way. It is the willingness to open up yourself to the other and share your heart with the one you love. It is simply the power of human touch: it not only reassures one's existence, but also strengthens it by showing that someone else treasures it, that someone loves them.

I'm not saying people who don't like hugs are terrible people, nor am I implying anything negative about them. I know a few people who are generally uncomfortable with human touch, but I still give them small hugs from time to time.

I think it's really sad how the last good hug I had...was the most heartbreaking hug I've ever felt in my life--because it was the hug just before you threw me away.

So yea, I guess I need a good hug too.

But before that, give Donkey a hug!

(Friday night rant over)

a touch from the inevitable

It's once again late for a blog post so I'll keep it short this time.

It has been roughly a week since I blogged with actual content. I feel like I'm always backtracking myself into recent history before knowing what had actually happened in my life. I don't know about you, but this feels inconsistent and rather shortcoming.

First thing's first, though.

OBAMA 2012 

Ok let's continue.

Well let's see, my blog stopped updating around last Thursday (conveniently a week ago), and I didn't do much last weekend. A few friends went back home for the weekend, etc etc. Hung out with other people, chilled, gamed, studied. Casual weekend.

The weather got cold really quickly, dropping roughly 20 to 30 degrees over a period of two weeks. It's 35 degrees out, give or take a max of 10 degrees from there. We actually tasted our first snowflake of the year today, with the 15-min flurry around 4-5 pm. I'm glad that my parents brought up my winter coat, gloves, hat, and scarf. The New England wind is as bone-chilling as ever.

I dropped my ucard yesterday somewhere between my walk from the DC to the library. I went back and traced my steps twice in vain. Luckily (faith in humanity restored), I got an email this morning from a girl who picked it up last night at the library. I immediately arranged a time to meet up and got it back a few hours later! Who wouldn't be relieved after finding your lost student ID and saving $25 for a replacement? I would :)

Another organic exam today. This time I really think I did well :) Two unexpected quizzes popped up later in the day in other classes, but I think I nailed those two easily as well.

Ah, also, something really interesting and funny happened last night. So I friended this person who has awesome playlists on 8tracks. That was a while ago. I felt like a late night snack last night and updated my status on the matter, she commented (slightly unexpected), and the comments turned into a lovely fb chat involving mutual phrases and awesome similarity between us (we simultaneously said "sweet dreams" to each other as we're heading off, which was just plain odd, hah). It brightened my night, to be honest. Always pretty cool to find someone who thinks like you and have a similar sense of humor :D

And....I think it'll happen within two weeks. I'll make it happen, as there is no "best time" but rather now or never.

Oh, btw, so this pajama week thing sounds mad fun. I think I might just do that soon anyway because I'm so lazy and stuff, and there's nothing wrong with being lazy (yes). STEPH LET'S DO THIS.

But yea, I have totally left stuff out and it's because I simply don't remember everything that's happened and it's almost 2 am and I'm a moron. Oyasumi!

the moment

The moment when you realize one of your best friends don't talk to you anymore.

lots of food!

Yea, not gonna bother when I ate what. Mad work :D

still water

I posted this story about two years ago. I thought I should do so once again because it's honestly a great article.

David Foster Wallace's "Plain Old Untrendy Troubles and Emotions" 

Hope you guys enjoy :)

restlessness

I apologize in advance, but this might get depressing.

Watched Session 9 with a few friends last night on Halloween. It was the most Halloween-y thing I have done in a little while, and it was pretty creepy, though I've seen it like, roughly a decade ago. Psychological thrillers are always pretty good.

It probably doesn't really have to do with the time of year or anything, or the movie. But I didn't sleep well.

I fell in and out of sleep a few times. As a result, I had a few different dreams, and unfortunately, if had more than the few I am about to mention, I only remember these. I think it's clear as to why.

--

The first one was pretty random, but maybe because I went to sleep in a semi-good mood. But I remember I was hanging with out with you and having a good time before I stole a kiss from you. For some reason, your lips were like lava; they were burning, and I woke up from how much it burned me in the dream.

The next dream that came to me was my brain trying to figure out a way to tell you how I feel. It came up with this stupid idea of calling you and doing it on the phone, and it ended up poorly. By poorly I mean I 150% fucked it up, and my brain resorted to apologies. It over-thought the process, trying to making everything flow better, and everything turned out like shit. Hours of planning turned into weeks of regret, maybe more. That idea stuck and woke me up.

At this point (like I said, I might have had other dreams, or that those dreams simply lasted a long time, or with other details that I can't recall), it's early--maybe about 6 am. I didn't check the time because I know that would not be a smart idea. Even though I got really scared from the thought of the second dream, I tried to fall back asleep.

This time, the dream...was what I feared the most. It's not even ironic how my brain decided to do this on/after Halloween.

I dreamed about her coming back to me because her relationship didn't work out in the end. I don't remember if she appeared clingy or not, but she came back. I knew instantly that she remembered that she had me as a rebound before and wanted me in her life again.

I told her I can't do this anymore, to let history repeat. I can't just let her use me again.

I don't think I've ever felt so disgusted and hurt by anyone.

I woke up soon after, just...hurt. I couldn't fall back to sleep.

I hate it when she comes back into my dreams. I never sleep well.

If you see me today, I apologize for any lack of interests. I won't be having a good day. Sadness hasn't stuck me this hard in a long time.

I'm glad my schedule today means I won't be seeing many people today, at least.