why am I here?

Tim why am I here?

I told you that you wanted to get away. I think that was what you said. Did you say that? Did you mean that? Did you know what you said? Because I was at the movies, and your text distracted me and got me thinking.

Why am I here?

Am I here to do something? Or should I be somewhere else and I'm not? Did I miss a chance somewhere? Should I be trying something else?

Yea, I don't know the answer to any of those questions. We're just alive, right? I think I'm trying to make something worthwhile. Not sure what, but this gives me something to do and live for; I'm doing stuff. Is that the case for you?

I don't think you read this really, but I might just link you back here.

You know, I think you did say that you wanted to get away, because I remember me thinking the same thing, of getting away.

Well, I'm moving, so I think it's my turn.

Why don't I blog as much anymore? It's not that I have nothing to say. Or because I didn't want to talk about my day. It's because if people wanted to know they'd ask, so I don't bother.

I guess we're all just alive and about.

You got away...is it working?

Gonna peace out. Work tomorrow.

just this.

http://leloveimage.blogspot.com/2011/06/reaching-in-dark.html

Anyway, to all the people who have found it, my hat is off to you. I hope you know how lucky you are to be experiencing one of the most amazing things in the world, I’m sure you do. and as for me, I will continue on with my life, doing the things I love, that feel right, and hope for the best. they say the best way to find love is by doing what you love, and I suppose I’m trying my best to do that right now. so maybe.. maybe, one day everything will fall into place. and if not, I’ll at least have the things I truly love to keep me occupied.

 

 

 

 

heavy boots

I realized something, kinda big.

I realized that I forgot what love feels like, and I intend to keep it that way. Specifically, I realized that it's more of the loving others part that I'm starting to forget, and I think I need to keep it that way for a while. I try not to remember the life that I didn't want to lose but lost and have to remember. It used to fill my heart with so much joy, even if the joy wasn't mine. But with that life, my life story was happening faster than my life. Just as it is, a friction began to arise between Nothing and Something, in the morning the Nothing vase cast a Something shadow, like the memory of someone you've lost, what can you say about that, at night the Nothing light from the guest room spilled under the Nothing door and stained the Something hallway, there's nothing to say. It's true, it became difficult to navigate from Something to Something without accidentally walking through Nothing. In the middle of all of this inevitable mixing of Nothing and Something, you still find the need to disappear in the middle of everything, Something, because I was more alone than if I had been alone.

I had company because I can be the company and not so much the other way around. Was it ever the other way around?

I get heavy boots, too, Oskar. But I can't change the Sahara Desert.

I am no long waiting. Everything's different, and there's enough Nothing already and it's impossible to go through the day without a train of thought of Something not involving Nothing.

I'm going to start loving myself and myself only. I'm going to make myself things and not always others. I'm bitter, and colder, but I'm also stronger.

I'm gonna be better to myself.

I felt, that night, [...] incredibly close to everything in the universe, but also extremely alone. I wondered, for the first time, if life was worth all the work it took to live. What exactly made it worth it? What's so horrible about being dead forever, and not feeling anything, and not even dreaming? What's so great about feeling and dreaming?

miracles

I just had the realization that I think I'm waiting for a miracle. That I'm still waiting. But I don't know what. I still wait though, and when I do it, I just want to sleep, because waiting is draining my life. That's probably why I get so tired. My head tells me that I'm tired of waiting, but that's all my heart wants to do.

If I love you enough to let you go, would you love me enough to come back?

Stop thinking that please.

But whenever we talk it feels like I'm falling for you again. What do I do?

embarkment

I like to see people reunited, I like to see people run to each other, I like the kissing and the crying, the stories that the mouth can't tell fast enough, the ears that aren't big enough, the eyes that can't take in all of the change, I like the hugging, the bringing together and the end of missing someone

I forgot this quote. I just remembered it after seeing people packing up and leaving today. People leaving and heading home, leaving friends even though they might see each other again over summer or simply wait till next semester. There were last meals shared, hugs exchanged, and love felt.

Makes me wonder why don't people do that more often on the daily basis.

Freshman year has ended as of 2:30 today, after my biology final. Some people already left, some people leaving tomorrow, some the day after that. Tonight will be my last night here. I'm going to miss people. As much as I don't want to, I will.

And you know what, I think I will only be able to hang out with you little by little. I'm healing, and I don't think I can ever heal if I keep getting hurt. I'm thinking of telling you the whole story, but I don't know what that would accomplish. But it's keep popping up my mind because I...still want to be friends, and in that sense, I feel the need to share my story with you, even though...you're in the story. But...is it fair to tell you all this stuff, to let you know that you hurt me, and leave it at that? That really doesn't sound too...responsible. And...I know you don't care and won't ask, so I guess there's another reason that makes it unnecessary to tell you. Even if I still want to tell you, do I do it face to face or online, a letter, or something? I don't know.

We're both leaving tomorrow, and I really don't think I can decide on something before tomorrow. Plus, I kinda want to check with him too. I mean, I'm scared of what he will say, I really am. I'm trying not to, not to care, and honestly, I think if I force and keep telling myself that I don't, maybe I'll care less, because you know what, you seem to care more that he cares, so the caring part is settled.

You don't read any of this anymore though. You've stopped a long time ago. Did you stop when you decided? Or before? Or Afterwards? Why am I so curious? It doesn't even matter anymore. I mean, it's not like I seriously lost something, considering really, I never earned or had it to begin with.

Now I feel like I'm using all sorts of defense mechanisms to deal with all of this. Shit happens, don't they. It was so sad, I couldn't even hang out for the sake of hanging out anymore. Did you know? Would it make a difference? But you don't try. We've established that.

I haven't posted in so long. I just didn't have the will to even...sort out my mind until two days ago, when I disappeared. Am I putting up another wall? Because if I am, I can feel that this is going to be the strongest wall I've ever built. I'm afraid that there's just so much pain behind it, constantly stirred and salted over the past month. Do you know why? Because I thought you could heal me in the very very least. It worked a little, until, yea, shit happened.

You know, I always--yes, always--seem to fall and give in at the wrong time, and I always end up getting hurt. It overwhelms to the extent that I'm no longer as social as I was before, and I think you know that, and I suppose you're fine with it too. That's not what bothered me though. What bothers me is because I do mind but you don't. Because if I were in his shoes, you would mind. Is this jealousy? I really really hope it's not, because I don't want me to do that. I don't. I'm too hurt to feel that again.

Yea it is. Tim, just no.

You know, I bet you already have the impression or idea that I'm over you already. The funny thing is, I thought so too. I seriously thought so, until...we started hanging out again. Tell me, what should I do to not keep falling for love? I keep falling for you, and I really really don't want to anymore. Do you know what this feels like? It's like you don't want to sleep and you keep staying up, and you still end up dozing off, because then you dream about..just...all of this. I don't think time works, because we've gone through that, and...it didn't work.

Did you realize that I stopped poking you on facebook? Ah, I don't care, what am I talking about.

As much as it hurts, I still want to see you one last time, so whether I decide to tell you anything or not, I think my heart won't rest without a goodbye, a something.

Or am I just telling myself that? This is just sad by now. Sorry about that. I'll try to make this the last time.

Maybe I'll tell you to read this. Maybe I won't. I've been concerned about other people's feelings all this time, and I simply take all the consequences of telling and not telling myself, depending on what wouldn't hurt the feeling of others, or even risk hurting them. Now, I think I need to stop doing that for once and just...say what's on my mind. I think I need to do whatever that won't hurt me anymore, because I really don't know if I can ever heal if this continues.

I just realized that even if you read this, there are so much that's being left out. Because I think what I had put down is just...the synopsis. I suppose I shouldn't be hopeful that you'll ask about the rest. *shrug*

Well, I kind of regret that freshman year ended...with this mess on my end. But in any case, if you're happy, if everyone's doing well, then I think I don't matter. The majority counts.

Am I excited for the summer? I don't know. It's a break. It's not seeing familiar faces, faces that I've grown together with. Some closer, some okay, and some just...there. In any case, however, I don't regret meeting anyone, including you. To an extent, I do not regret going through this. Yes, it hurts, it really really does, and this time around, even though I've tried my best to make everything that happen into experiences that can shape me, I've cracked under the pressure, how fast everything happened, over and over again.

But...at the same time it's about seeing old faces again. The long-lived inside jokes, the runs, the LAN parties, movie nights, and just hanging out. I just hope that...at least some of these can help me heal.

If...there's any chance that you might want to know the rest...I'll tell it to you, like a story, without names. It'll be what happened to and for me, and not who. I...will tell it to you.

And I hope it's not unfair to say that...I will still miss you, both to you and my own heart.

I'm sorry, I have no answers to anything. How to heal me, why doesn't time work, if I should tell you or not, any of these. If you really do end up reading this, can you give me some feedback and let me know what you think I should do?

**

Just pieces of my mind at the hour. May everyone sleep tight tonight.

oyasumi, world.

faith

I'm just gonna let me thoughts flow. Apologies for anything that doesn't make sense.

**

I don't want to miss anything. Why is it so hard to be happy? It's just all a little smile or something that makes me look into the distance. It's just always those. I want to be alone. I don't want to be alone. Go away. Come back. Someone wipe my memories. I sat out there until I was shivering. It was cold outside. It is cold inside. I felt something that I've always felt. I don't want to miss anything, but I'm missing everything. Every. Little. Thing. Everything that made me happy, even just a little, a smile, a little light in the tunnel that soon burns out. Yes, I can find things that I enjoy to do, but I don't know how to be happy anymore. What do I do? I drown myself in music, the midnight air, the solitude. I go do work, and I end up just staring into the blank, listening to music. So much. I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to love anymore. I don't want to testify anymore. I only knew how love and not myself, and I still don't because I don't know how to be happy. I enjoy things but I'm not happy. I don't think anyone can actually hold me enough to let me feel otherwise because it's always just temporary. Nothing lasts. I just...don't have faith anymore. I've listened to fall for you for the 30th time by now, and that's like every night: I fall for love, every time, over again. I'm tired of this. I don't want to do this anymore. I want to be happy, and this is not. What do I do. Actually, it's gotten to the point where it will seem like everything I've felt and been through are trivial if I can move on. Now what does that even mean. I thought I knew, and I thought I did, but hell no, was I far from that. I'm supposed be doing work right now but yes, I have my headphones on, listening to music, away from everyone else. I think this is the 38th loop. And...you said I haven't given you any actual answers. I'm sorry. I don't know anything right now, because as much as I hate to say it, I still think a part of me don't want to move on from any of this. Well. if I say what I feel about us...that would be that I want to be friends. I want to be able to share things with you, thoughts, ideas, feelings, whatnot. I'm sorry if I always gave ambiguous replies and/or avoid you, but I'm either in a limbo as to what to think or I just don't want to think or talk. Like I said, I think I don't go online anymore, and really, it has nothing to do with you. I just don't feel like talking to people. I look through people. I blur out everything in front of me when I walk. I don't know why, I just do. I always have my music on, and...literally, just today, somehow I ended up going through my photos on my phone. There's this "picture" folder in the directory that has a picture of you as the thumbnail. I went to press on it and then stopped. I remembered the bracelet you gave me, the dream catcher, the little wolf sculpture you showed me, the love I never thought I'd have. What the hell, see, I fell for it again. I really need to stop this. I want to delete that photo of you, just take it off, but you know, I've told myself that since the break. And then there's...you started to talk to me and hang out with me again. Do you know what's ironic? I feel like as of now we are the closest we've ever been, and this is...just, I don't know, good and bad. What am I supposed to do, I'm doing all this and trying not to feel anything but you know what, it's hard as hell to do that and guess what, I still can't do it. I want to stop feeling. I don't even want to be feel loved because I'll just love back and that's...not what is supposed to happen. Oh, I'm sorry, we're just friends. You asked me to get you movies and stuff and I do it 'cause you know, it doesn't hurt. You drop by my room more often than you have ever because yea, we're friends. Yea but, you see, I want to kill that hopeful part of me, the part that imagine happy things, and hope for something that might make me happy. I need to live in the reality and stay there. It's about 48th loop now.

Don't try to convince me otherwise if you don't know how. It's simply not going to work. How much of a hug do I even need. Actually, I don't think that'd ever work, never mind. Scratch that. I just have to "be" right now, the way I am already at the moment. There's no point trying anything.

Also, you know how I know I'm numb? I can feel that if something happens again I just won't feel as much as I felt before. That's why. Love just isn't enough.

It's been two hours. I should start my work now.

55th.

The Builder

An elderly carpenter was ready to retire. He told his employer-contractor of his plans to leave the house building business and live a more leisurely life with his wife enjoying his extended family. He would miss the paycheck, but he needed to retire. They could get by. The contractor was sorry to see his good worker go and asked if he could build just one more house as a personal favor. The carpenter said yes, but in time it was easy to see that his heart was not in his work. He resorted to shoddy workmanship and used inferior materials. It was an unfortunate way to end his career.

When the carpenter finished his work and the builder came to inspect the house, the contractor handed the front-door key to the carpenter. "This is your house," he said, "my gift to you." What a shock! What a shame! If he had only known he was building his own house, he would have done it all so differently. Now he had to live in the home he had built none too well. So it is with us. We build our lives in a distracted way, reacting rather than acting, willing to put up less than the best. At important points we do not give the job our best effort.

Then with a shock we look at the situation we have created and find that we are now living in the house we have built. If we had realized, we would have done it differently. Think of yourself as the carpenter. Think about your house. Each day you hammer a nail, place a board, or erect a wall. Build wisely. It is the only life you will ever build. Even if you live it for only one day more, that day deserves to be lived graciously and with dignity. The plaque on the wall says, "Life is a do-it-yourself project." Who could say it more clearly? Your life today is the result of your attitudes and choices in the past. Your life tomorrow will be the result of your attitudes and the choices you make today.

 

distanceIII

Time is a funny thing.

That day at the library...was it just a dream?

I got a few pages down. I think I need a break from life. I decided to go out to dinner with a few friends, out of campus, just to breathe the different air outside of this memories-infested place.

But I can't remember anything without you.

We went to this thai food place, with dimmed lights and rather uplifting music. Sounds really Asian actually. The food was great, however, even though we ordered the typical dishes like fried rice and pad thai. But isn't that what we want to order when we go to a Thai restaurant? Why would you go there if you didn't want fried rice or pad thai. Heh. Stop arguing, people.

The sun had just set not long ago by the time we're back on campus. It's a Friday and people do stupid things on Friday; that's always a given. Never assume that the dorms will stay decent after a Friday. It's always to expect the worse so when it comes you can notify someone to clean it up. Or you can just clean it up yourself.

Pardon my analogy.

Half of my friends went out drinking, partying, all that fun stuff. I decided that I didn't want to stay alone so I asked a few people if they wanted to have a movie marathon or whatnot. I was lucky to find a few people.

There goes my night. Four movies in a row.

And yea, we did so many of these. But I can feel that I'm slowly putting away your love back into a different spot with all my secrets. Somewhere not all that obvious, somewhere like a treasure box.

****

I slept way past lunch time. I got up and decided that the weekend isn't worth the work, so I left with a few granola bars towards the library to drown myself in books.

It was actually sunnier than I imagined. The rays were delightful, as if I lifted up the curtains to my room and let sunlight seep in for the first time in so long. In two years.