My Heavenly Father,
Thank you for bringing me to Growth Track, Father. I have full intention to finish this program to understand more what my gifts are and how I can cultivate those gifts to serve You better. Thank you for opening the doors of new ways for me to submit myself. It is a daily battle, Father. Help me still my heart whenever it is stirred by worldly things so I can turn back to you and submit my mind, heart, body, and soul to you, so I can hear Your voice and act in faith and with Your wisdom. I want to stoke this fire to serve You as much as I can, Father. Less of me and more of You.
Thank you for reminding me that I have to undo myself so I can become your vessel, so you can bless me to pour out endlessly. Remove any pride in me, Father, so I can completely pour out for You so people will see that Your love.
As my examination are finally over, officially ending MS2, I thank you for bring me so far. You will finish what You started, and I have grown in my faith so tremendously, and I'm so grateful for You, God.
I still sometimes find myself lost in my own regret as deep as the ocean, so much that I don't ever feel like I deserve anything good, any blessing. All the things I've done wrong, all the unloving words I have ever spoken, all the people I've hurt, all the sins I've done, sometimes they all come crashing down again. Maybe I'm still learning to submit it all to You, but whenever it happens, Father, I pray that You'll give me strength to submit my regrets to You once again, Father.
Father, I love hearing from You. I love your voice. I love the presence of the Holy Spirit. Please open my ears and eyes so I can encounter You on a daily basis, Father. I pray that You can continue to transform my heart, day by day, hour by hour, and minute by minute.
I want to also pray for her and her family, Father. I pray that You will be with them and just shower them with Your love, day in and day out. Keep them from harm and evil, Father. I pray that You cast out all negative thoughts and plant the seeds of peace, joy, and faith. Heal every hurt in their hearts, Father. Please heal the hurt that I never got a chance to say sorry. Only You can make things right again. I pray that You will show everyone how You want them to pour out for You, Father.
Father, I submit my love for her to you. The moments of missing her intensely, her voice, her laugh...I submit it all to You. I submit the dreams I had for us....all to You, Father. When my heart clenches, please come and hold me and remind me of Your promises again. Please bless her like never before, Father. Give her everything that I can't. She deserves so much more. I again repent for all my sins....I'm so sorry....I'm sorry Father, please forgive me
Father....I still thank you, for your grace, your mercy, and your kindness. I pray for comfort and peace. I know I still have ways to go to transform my mind completely....and I will fight the fight. Thank you for a new name. I will praise You with all of my breath. Give me the faith and courage to pour out for You in every way You want me to, in every way I was created to do. I will remember your promises, and I will continue to transform my mind and my being into a vessel for You.
In Your Almighty Name,
Amen
Monday, June 4, 2018
Sunday, June 3, 2018
big day#2
Tomorrow's the last exam.
I still don't think I'm too well prepared, but I don't think I'll really ever feel prepared.
But I trust God and I know He'll be there with me. And He will take me where He wants me to go. I can't really mess up His plan. I just need to have more and more faith.
I think I'll just spend time with Him for the rest of the night.
I still don't think I'm too well prepared, but I don't think I'll really ever feel prepared.
But I trust God and I know He'll be there with me. And He will take me where He wants me to go. I can't really mess up His plan. I just need to have more and more faith.
I think I'll just spend time with Him for the rest of the night.
Saturday, June 2, 2018
losing
I saw a post on tumblr where someone talks about "nobody has ever genuinely felt scared of losing me. nobody has fought for me to stay. i make myself too available. i’m always giving. i’m always the one who ends up losing."
I've always been the one afraid of losing people in my life. Basically since 3rd grade, ever since I left school, I had no one. No one. I didn't have any contact with anyone else besides from my family. For 4 years. Homeschooled. I saw the back of the heads of kids my age on the TV screen. I didn't have childhood friends. I don't know what that means or how that feels like. And then when I came to the states, I had to learn how to be around people. I had to try to fit, even force, myself into others' niche with their own established friends. I failed pretty miserably. I wanted people to like me, I wanted people to stay, but I left because of moving. Every. Single. Time.
I swore to myself that I will commit to everything I can. I never want to be the person who leaves again. I never want to give up a connection with a person.
And what do you know, God came around and allowed the exact thing I was afraid of happening. He took you away.
Now that God had showed me that this was a main problem root for me, I've been trying to learn how to unroot this. How do I not fear losing people?
I think I had looked for something that no one else can give me. At least, not a worldly one. I wanted the unbreakable-ness of a connection. I wanted the raw openness, the gritty reality of hard love, the exposing of our inner darkness, the ultimate transparency, the kind of love we can both cling on knowing it's a covenant, not a contract.
Then I fell into the trap of a worldly love with a sticker label of a love that says it's a covenant.
And then God showed me that with that root, I can't love the way I wanted to love.
And He was right. I don't have the ability to love right if I don't learn to let go of that past.
I believe God wants me to learn to find peace and love in Him, that I can be truly content and joyful if I can fully experience His love for me.
The One who can always, always provide. Who gives me everything that people can't.
This is when I cried uncontrollably. This is what His love does to you.
A podcast I was listening said something about the difference of love between two people and the love of a parent for their children, that it's a love no one will understand until they have children of their own. I'm God's child, and I believe while this falls into that category too, this agape love is far beyond my comprehension. It's a love that no matter how many time I break His heart, He continues to give His life.
God asked me, "why do you want these connections?" Am I doing it for me? Do I want the connection because I want to feel loved by others? I think so, and that is the root. And history has again and again showed me that this fight is pointless, I will always fight a losing battle because if I'm fighting to feel loved, I will lose because feelings are fleeting.
But God is not.
People will, at some point or another, not mind losing you. People change. I've lost many, many people in my past. It created the pain and longing that continued for so long because I did not know how to pursue the love of God. I thought I was giving my time, but I was really asking for theirs. I didn't want to guard my heart because of that.
But God never leaves.
Oh, God is so, so good to me. I will continue to run to You, Father. Cultivate me so I can love You more and more.
Thank you, Father. I'm no longer losing, because I'm your child and You have already won the war. I'll lose the battles if I need to, but I have already won the war because You have already won.
How do I unroot the pain from my past? Let God love me fully so I can learn how to love Him more and more. Let His love pour out from me, because He never gives just enough, but He always overflows your heart so you can give away. The way I wanted to do all along.
I've always been the one afraid of losing people in my life. Basically since 3rd grade, ever since I left school, I had no one. No one. I didn't have any contact with anyone else besides from my family. For 4 years. Homeschooled. I saw the back of the heads of kids my age on the TV screen. I didn't have childhood friends. I don't know what that means or how that feels like. And then when I came to the states, I had to learn how to be around people. I had to try to fit, even force, myself into others' niche with their own established friends. I failed pretty miserably. I wanted people to like me, I wanted people to stay, but I left because of moving. Every. Single. Time.
I swore to myself that I will commit to everything I can. I never want to be the person who leaves again. I never want to give up a connection with a person.
And what do you know, God came around and allowed the exact thing I was afraid of happening. He took you away.
Now that God had showed me that this was a main problem root for me, I've been trying to learn how to unroot this. How do I not fear losing people?
I think I had looked for something that no one else can give me. At least, not a worldly one. I wanted the unbreakable-ness of a connection. I wanted the raw openness, the gritty reality of hard love, the exposing of our inner darkness, the ultimate transparency, the kind of love we can both cling on knowing it's a covenant, not a contract.
Then I fell into the trap of a worldly love with a sticker label of a love that says it's a covenant.
And then God showed me that with that root, I can't love the way I wanted to love.
And He was right. I don't have the ability to love right if I don't learn to let go of that past.
I believe God wants me to learn to find peace and love in Him, that I can be truly content and joyful if I can fully experience His love for me.
The One who can always, always provide. Who gives me everything that people can't.
This is when I cried uncontrollably. This is what His love does to you.
A podcast I was listening said something about the difference of love between two people and the love of a parent for their children, that it's a love no one will understand until they have children of their own. I'm God's child, and I believe while this falls into that category too, this agape love is far beyond my comprehension. It's a love that no matter how many time I break His heart, He continues to give His life.
God asked me, "why do you want these connections?" Am I doing it for me? Do I want the connection because I want to feel loved by others? I think so, and that is the root. And history has again and again showed me that this fight is pointless, I will always fight a losing battle because if I'm fighting to feel loved, I will lose because feelings are fleeting.
But God is not.
People will, at some point or another, not mind losing you. People change. I've lost many, many people in my past. It created the pain and longing that continued for so long because I did not know how to pursue the love of God. I thought I was giving my time, but I was really asking for theirs. I didn't want to guard my heart because of that.
But God never leaves.
Oh, God is so, so good to me. I will continue to run to You, Father. Cultivate me so I can love You more and more.
Thank you, Father. I'm no longer losing, because I'm your child and You have already won the war. I'll lose the battles if I need to, but I have already won the war because You have already won.
How do I unroot the pain from my past? Let God love me fully so I can learn how to love Him more and more. Let His love pour out from me, because He never gives just enough, but He always overflows your heart so you can give away. The way I wanted to do all along.
focus on the family podcasts
Some really good messages from here...
Overcoming the Heartaches of Life p1
Overcoming the Heartaches of Life p2
"How long are you going to use your past as an excuse for the choices you are making today?"
Unroot, Tim, unroot
Overcoming the Heartaches of Life p1
Overcoming the Heartaches of Life p2
"How long are you going to use your past as an excuse for the choices you are making today?"
Unroot, Tim, unroot
season
After having listened to the well over a hundred podcasts and sermons, I'm finding myself in a season of radical change, that I'm going to change myself as much as I possibly can to be closer to God. Mentally, emotionally, spiritually, every way possible. A season of sacrifice, daily submission of myself.
It's such a blessing to be able to learn from other godly people's wisdom and experiences. And obviously, from His words itself.
Spending valuable time with Christ has been so rewarding. I'm so grateful for Him.
Thank you Father for giving me the chance today to glorify You. I know You have the best plan for me, and I submit everything for You to use.
Friday, June 1, 2018
big day!
This is it, we shall meet soon, USMLE.
Can't say I slept very well, and I am still kinda tired, but what can I do?
Time to focus and glorify God :) I got my Jesus you don't scare me
Can't say I slept very well, and I am still kinda tired, but what can I do?
Time to focus and glorify God :) I got my Jesus you don't scare me
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