the renewing of your mind

I think sometimes it says a lot about people's hearts when things don't go the way they want. A loss, an obstacle, a dreaded news. Are the circumstances truly driving the heartaches? Or is it our own hearts that are driving the pain? I think that unfortunately it is human nature to usually the source of the problem. It's just like when one complains, it says a lot more about the individual than the situation.

I woke up this morning with a question: what makes us love someone? How and what does that fulfill? I have come to realize that the answer to that question goes all the way into your roots. Who do you see yourself as? What are your aspirations in life? What do you think sacrifice means? Do you know what love even means? There are numerous more questions that can be asked, and then on top of that, there are practical and ideal answers to most of the questions too.

When the aid ran away from my family, I learned about myself.

When my voice remains unheard among people who I thought cared about me, I learned about myself.

When I experienced a new kind of love but lost it a few years ago, I learned about myself.

When my family struggled to out food on the table, I learned about myself.

As my aunt remarried for the fourth time, I learned about myself.

When my father becomes verbally abusive and threatens to leave the family, I learned about myself.

When I first saw someone die, I learned about myself.

When people who walk closer to God pray for me, I learned about myself.

When someone hurt me, I learned about myself.

When my love wasn't enough, I learned about myself.

Isn't it sad that people (at least me) learn the most when there are hardships? When life happens?

Well, what did I learn?

I'm a selfish man who doesn't really know who he is. I learned more about what not to do than what to do. It has been lessons after lessons, and yet I continue to learn the same thing.

I realized that the problem is how I think. I grew up with a certain kind of mindset and worldview, just like everyone else, that I use to navigate through life and help me make decisions. I have some knowledge of Christ, and Jesus, and Christianity, but there were so much more transformation that needed to happen.

Do you know why they say, "you are the strongest when you're on your knees"? Because you have nothing else to lose. When I looked to Jesus, what I learned wasn't who I shouldn't be, but who I am because of who He is. But this knowledge, any knowledge, in and of itself has no power; it is discipline that drives the power. I needed to change the way I think.

I learned that when I live for myself, many things become fragile. I am fragile. I can't love the way I want to love without consequences. I can't love others without the love of God without consequences.

Love God, love yourself, and then love others. I got the order all wrong. I realized I never really received the love of God, and so I was never truly able to love myself. And I already tried to love others with "my love." How could I have loved anyone as fully and as unconditionally as the Father? That is against human nature, and I fell right into that trap.

I will change my way of thinking so I can go against what the world thinks is desirable and follow what God has said are true strengths. I want to receive His love so I can know, deep down inside my core, who I am in Him so I can love with the only type of love that can transform others for good. I want to keep the fire for Him burning as the driving force.

I have faith that if I truly walk with Him, He will continue to show me what great things He had already provided for me. He will continue to test my faith, and I will persevere. I have faith that He will give and restore what is the best for me, open doors, and bring people, new or old, into my life, and to lead me to great things that honor Him.

When you live for someone else, you don't know who you are, because you are of this world this is not eternal. But if you live for the Father, you are His child. Walk in His plan, He'll show you who you are. Grace is a teacher. Grace empowers us to understand the truth.

I want to love not because I want to feel loved but because He loves me and He loves you.

I'll be praying for every one of your walks with God.

God bless.

solitary

Lord, I don't know what You want me to be

I hate myself for needing human interaction so much. I hate it. 

But You told me to keep on loving

But all I have right now is just solitude. It feels like everyone is satisfied with love from the other people in their lives. I'm kinda just....there. 

I don't know if I want to love because I want to feel loved 

I hate that I want to feel needed, Lord. Please get rid of that part of my heart. 

I know You love me, God, and I love You too. It is just that lately I sometimes don't feel You with me. 

Sometimes I don't know if I have the right to ask You for anything. 

I know You have plans for me, and that I do have more faith in Your plans, but right now, it's really hard, Lord. I feel so disconnected from everyone in my life. You know all my thoughts and feelings, and I talk to you so much more now, but I'm sorry I also resorted back to blogs to share my heart with.....a digital wall. I don't know if it's right to keep wanting to connect with others, Lord, because right now it's not helping me at all. It just reminds me that I'm alone. 

You give and take away, and I know You'll never give me what I can't handle, but right now it's really, really hard, and I feel alone. My friends who have been helping me through this, I can't help but feel they're being overwhelmed by me talking to them. I feel like no one wants to connect with me anymore, and I don't want to burden someone with my desire to connect with them. 

I don't know what to do, Lord. I don't. I feel like I'm drowning. Please surround me with your angels tonight because I don't think I'll be sleeping 

prophetic words

I've been in a weird mood all day today.

I went to spoke with the pastor at my church. It took a while to find a time that worked for both of us. We talked over an hour. I went to talk to him about working with my heart to refocus on God better and more effective. He prayed for me, and it was a very powerful prayer. I'm really glad I was able to speak to him and ask him for guidance.

Half way through talking he interrupted me and told me, "I don't mean to interrupt, but I was having trouble focusing on what you were saying because the Holy Spirit really wanted me to tell you something. Have you ever had anyone spoken a prophetic word over you?"

I said I'm not sure, maybe once?

"Well, this is what the Holy Spirit wants to speak through me: You have the gift to really connect with the Holy Spirit. I think that God has started a journey for you that will go far."

I wasn't sure what how to take that, to be honest. I'm fairly certain I've heard the Holy Spirit before, but it was not frequent. I do want to be able to hear God and the Holy Spirit more easily, but a part of me feels confused because I don't know how to really do that.

"Have faith," he said. And then he recommended me to get a book that should help me bring my gift to life. I think I'll order the book tomorrow.

"I've been in your shoes, Tim. Have faith. Have patience. Read His Word. Put Him first and love radically. Once your relationship with Him is solid, you will experience floods of blessings."

We talked about speaking in tongues as a gift as well towards the end of my visit, and I got a similar feeling. He prayed for me, partly in tongues, before I left. He said if I want, I can read God's Word and start a journal so it will help me meditate on verses and let the Holy Spirit fill me and speak to me.

So that's what I'm going to do. I do believe I can do this. Maybe speaking in tongue is not my gift, but I want to be able to hear God. I believe that I can do this. I'm definitely going to try.

I have you had a good day.

night

I guess I need to get this out before I can sleep tonight. 

Sorry I wasted your time. You deserved better. I hope you are okay. 

thank you

Thank you for loving me. You'll be in my heart for probably forever

journey

It's been a while. 

Well, a lot of things have happened in my life. Happiness, sadness, fear, hope, warmth, dread, excitement, eye-opening...

I've cramped a scary amount of stuff into my head for the past two years of medical school. Arguably didn't learn quite as much, but some of them will have to do. 

But I've learned the most about myself--my own heart, my soul, my strengths, my weaknesses--in the past few weeks. 

This....will be kinda be a post of me talking to myself, and to God. I apologize if this is not what readers wanted to see. But I do believe that if someone sees this, it might help in different ways. 

Let's talk about what I've learned about myself. 

I'm insecure. I'm really insecure. I found out that I have not truly looked into my core being before and think about what that meant. But I think my insecurity stemmed from a need to give and love to feel complete, and I think it reflected back to a need to be loved as part of that. Sounds normal? Well, it shouldn't be. 

Because on top of that, I've always called myself a Christian. I thought I was following God alright. But I was very wrong. I was far from God, and the devil took advantage of it and allowed me to lead myself down a path that led me away from God, and I did not want to admit to it. I remember me looking back, but was my heart weak. I couldn't turn back. I didn't have the strength to. And my biggest mistake? I didn't even truly ask God to give me the strength to turn back to Him. 

Well. God gave me a wake-up call. I used someone I loved with all my heart to tell me that I need to turn back before I walked even farther on that path. My heart has never hurt this much, and I never knew something could hurt this much

Tonight, I felt, for the first time, what God was feeling when He was walking behind me as I was headed away from Him. I can't imagine how much He was hurting as He watched me walking into this pain. I felt His love for me this deeply for the first time, that He reached out to me asking me to turn back to him, but I was unwise, stubborn, whatever you want to call me...and I didn't. I was unwise, and I kept hurting Him. He watched as someone He loved so deeply head towards something that will tear him apart. 

I'm sorry for my stubborn heart, God. I'm sorry that I insisted on loving her with a love that I thought was right. God, I don't feel like I deserve anything or anyone right now, for how I've walked my life, for how I loved her, for how I loved some people, for how I loved my dad, for how I loved myself, and for how I loved You. I was doing it all wrong, and I was still stubborn. 

But then You cried with me and showed me Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct your paths. 

God, you are truly amazing. Thank you for showing me that I could not love anyone, even myself, with my selfish love. I know that it basically doesn’t matter if we're meant to be right now because I’m not ready. I can’t be with anyone right now because I still need God to work on my insecurities and my heart. I don’t want to love anyone with my selfish love. 

I'm sorry for my stubborn and stupid heart. I'm sorry I hurt her. I'm sorry you have to clean up my mess. I pray for your forgiveness. Thank you for slowly teaching and showing me how to trust You. I want to be able to talk to You on a daily basis. I pray that You can open my eyes to see the things I can't see. I want to know what You want to do in me, and I'm scared to not walk with You again. I'm sorry my heart strayed from you and I loved selfishly. I want to love instinctively with Your love, how You love me, so I will be ready. 

I want the joy from You that I had always looked for in this world, because only You can give true joy.  

I praise you, God, I praise You. I know you are and will keep working on my heart, my pain, and my mind. I want to be ready for what You want to do in me. 

I'm sorry it took me this long to dedicate my life to you, but I know that You will work through me and transform me into who You want me to be so I can always honor You. 

I praise You forever! 

memories

Hey

It's been a while.

I'm going to start using this blog again, because I think it's a better place to put down my thoughts than tumblr.

Cheers.

shouts of joy, cry of hearts, embrace of souls

It's been a while, blog. A lot, a lot, has happened since my last post. 

I think it's ironic that the last time I posted here, it was about the Paris shooting. 

I'm not sure who still reads this, if any. But I still like a place where I can, to some degree, gather my thoughts. 

Within the past 48 hours, there were more shootings. I'm still trying to come to terms with all of it. I have so many questions, but not enough answers. 

Or maybe...do we already have all our answers, but we're just not asking the right questions? 

To the families of the loss, the too many that were lost, I'm praying for you as well. I don't understand how is it possible to harbor so much hate for people. Are we not showing enough love to each other? Is it poor parenting? I don't know. This is all beyond complex and incredibly difficult to sort out. We know human nature is the root of the issue, but are we asking how we can solve it? Is that the right question to ask? We are humans, after all. Who are we to judge, but only to love? 

Rest in peace, Christina Grimmie. You were one of my inspirations, we all loved you so much. I'm praying for your family and everyone who is trying to get through this tragedy. I know you are in a better place now. I know you are next to our Father, and I know that you are looking down and smiling at us, telling us not to mourn too much but to live on joyously, fruitfully, and to spread as much love as we humanly can. That was what you did, and you inspired people to no end. In the meantime, you'll probably be singing to all the angels in Heaven and inspiring them too. 

Death is not dying. I'll see you in Heaven, Christina, and maybe then Gracie and I can sing with you? 

PS: give some of them a break at SSB's too, okay? Not everyone is as good as you! 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now that I vented about the cruelties of the world...

Guys, I found the love of my love :) Meet Gracie, my sweetheart.

What else do I wanna say here other than I love her to death? Well, I love her so incredibly much I don't know what to do with myself...

We're in a LDR right now, and it only really threw in a few pickles here and there, but otherwise, I can't wait to spend the rest of time with you, my love. x)

Alright, I should go check in at the security gate and grab some lunch soon ish.

But yes, I have only been working otherwise, I have one month of work left, and I move to my apartment in July! School starts Aug 3rd, with two days before being orientation.


Gracie is planning to come visit in a few weeks, and if I remember, I will update this blog with how my apartment goes and more updates when Gracie visits.

Be safe everyone, and keep sharing the love.