shouts of joy, cry of hearts, embrace of souls

It's been a while, blog. A lot, a lot, has happened since my last post. 

I think it's ironic that the last time I posted here, it was about the Paris shooting. 

I'm not sure who still reads this, if any. But I still like a place where I can, to some degree, gather my thoughts. 

Within the past 48 hours, there were more shootings. I'm still trying to come to terms with all of it. I have so many questions, but not enough answers. 

Or maybe...do we already have all our answers, but we're just not asking the right questions? 

To the families of the loss, the too many that were lost, I'm praying for you as well. I don't understand how is it possible to harbor so much hate for people. Are we not showing enough love to each other? Is it poor parenting? I don't know. This is all beyond complex and incredibly difficult to sort out. We know human nature is the root of the issue, but are we asking how we can solve it? Is that the right question to ask? We are humans, after all. Who are we to judge, but only to love? 

Rest in peace, Christina Grimmie. You were one of my inspirations, we all loved you so much. I'm praying for your family and everyone who is trying to get through this tragedy. I know you are in a better place now. I know you are next to our Father, and I know that you are looking down and smiling at us, telling us not to mourn too much but to live on joyously, fruitfully, and to spread as much love as we humanly can. That was what you did, and you inspired people to no end. In the meantime, you'll probably be singing to all the angels in Heaven and inspiring them too. 

Death is not dying. I'll see you in Heaven, Christina, and maybe then Gracie and I can sing with you? 

PS: give some of them a break at SSB's too, okay? Not everyone is as good as you! 


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now that I vented about the cruelties of the world...

Guys, I found the love of my love :) Meet Gracie, my sweetheart.

What else do I wanna say here other than I love her to death? Well, I love her so incredibly much I don't know what to do with myself...

We're in a LDR right now, and it only really threw in a few pickles here and there, but otherwise, I can't wait to spend the rest of time with you, my love. x)

Alright, I should go check in at the security gate and grab some lunch soon ish.

But yes, I have only been working otherwise, I have one month of work left, and I move to my apartment in July! School starts Aug 3rd, with two days before being orientation.


Gracie is planning to come visit in a few weeks, and if I remember, I will update this blog with how my apartment goes and more updates when Gracie visits.

Be safe everyone, and keep sharing the love.

death is not dying

Hey guys, to whoever might be reading this, yea...I haven't posted in a long time. I think it's been roughly two years or so. I have only been using tumblr. But I felt like this is a good time to come back to write about certain things. 

I should be preparing my interview on Tuesday, but I just really need to write this all out. 
There is so much happening this week. Unfortunately, most of these events reflected the darkest sides of humanity. The Paris shooting and Beirut bombing left the world with so much suffering once again. I knew a few friends who lived near the area, and I was sick to my stomach as I was frantically texting them, trying to get in touch to make sure they were doing okay and staying safe. Fortunately, they replied and were not in very vicinity of the incident. But there were so many who were near and in the area. The latest news read 153 people died from the human atrocities that happened that day. A redditor talked about her sister telling her excitingly that she was going to the stadium on the day of the bombing and never came back. My heart broke and continue to break every time I think about and hear about someone's experience of losing someone to people who want to hurt the innocent. 

Even after ISIS claimed their involvement with the incident, I still don't understand how could anyone do this? I am not terribly educated on how ISIS operates or what they claim to be the reason of their actions, but to me, nothing justifies killing the innocent. 

From violence to cutting off wealth and supplies, I've heard multiple different opinions on how to stop ISIS. A part of me want all of them to happen, but another part also wants to say that maybe ISIS truly represents the evil of this world, the acts of Satan. In that sense, there is no way to wipe out evil. If they were truly brainwashed by these so-called leaders of ISIS, to an extent, I feel almost sorry for them, for the amount of hate they have for the world, or for lacking value of human lives. Do they believe that their actions are contributing to the greater good? I really hope their actions have nothing to do with all that virgin promise that I read about, because that is a truly dangerous and horrendous way of thinking....

My pastor brought up Job today. In Job 1, I was reminded that he lost everything--his family and his wealth--within minutes, except his wife and health. With such a strong heart, he fell to the ground and praised the Lord. 

I'm listening to Newsboy's Blessed Be Your Name, and you know what, He does give and take away. Am I strong enough to eventually keep a joyful spirit after losing everything? Can I ever be as strong as Job? Can anyone? He didn't blame God for this sufferings, instead he praised Him. 

I was reminded of what a friend of mine asked me a few weeks ago. She asked me why would God allow or even command killing of others, if killing is simply wrong? I struggled to give her an adequate answer at the time, and I don't think I can at this time either. But after today's sermon, I was reminded that God sent his Son to die for us. He essentially commanded his Son to die for the people they loved. He sacrificed his own Son so no one else has to die for their sins. I hope you understand the power of this love. Am I ever strong enough to give up my own child so my friends, acquaintances, and even strangers and my own enemies, will live? I don't know if I am ever capable of this much love, but I know that is the direction I want to grow, and I need His help. 

I would like to believe that at least some of the victims are now in heaven with God, living happily, without tears, without pain, without sorrow. Rachel Barkey, a Christian who is now with God after cancer took her life, believes that death is not dying. For Christians, I think that is a wonderful definition for death: with a faith that saves, it is anything but dying. 
As we carry on our lives amidst of the tragedies and mourning, please just give out love as much as you can. Continue to share even more love and be even more caring than you think you can. Sit with those who need company. Hug them and let love pass between you. Share Christ's love for others as much and as strongly as you can...even with your enemies. 

Stay strong, we are all in this together. 

a walk on a beach

Hah, I actually remember going to an interview for Harvard too.

That was four years ago though.

As a reflection of my undergraduate years, I’m looking back right now and I ask myself, “What happened? What do you remember? What will you miss, and what won’t you miss? What did you learn?”

Well, four years went back like a flash of light, that’s for sure, and a lot of things happened. There are some cliché things like I made friends and experienced friendship differently than I had before; that the classes made me realize my strengths, weaknesses, interests, what bores me, and for the most part compassion. Everything I experienced in college that ties closely to real life and career-choosing are for the most part both anxious and exciting. That’s part of life, though, right? I mean, I also found my love for wings and the mix of lemon and honey tea and double-bagging green tea and walks in the rain…but there are also other things I’ve learned.

I’ve seen some people change over time. I watched them change over time. Whether it involved my friendship with them or not, that we drifted or got closer, seeing this change is sometimes frightening. Maybe that has more to do with my own sense of insecurities. But in a way, it felt like a reality check whenever I am reminded how a certain friend is no longer who he/she was before. It was a reminder to make sure I am not turning into someone I don’t ever want to be. 

It is also in these four years that I learned the meaning of isolation. I have disappeared from everyone before. I woke up very early and just left for the entire day. That as freshmen year, and one person asked me where I was but I ignored her because I didn’t want anyone to know where I was. I needed to be alone and live through that isolation and feel everything that made me want to do that and from that. After that, it was almost nights after nights of solidarity because everyone has their plans with their own friends. Often times, my plans, while planned early, would simply be changed because they have a later but better plan with other friends.

And because of those nights, they gave me too much time to think, and the power of thoughts hits like a truck more often than I would like to feel them. The worst part is I would still try to get friends to do the friendship thing, but the more I try, the more time I got to overthink, and the more I do it…like a positive feedback. Thoughts like, “We’re friends because of who they are and not who I am,” “their plans are much better than mine,” “maybe I should drink more,” and “they’re just being nice” come up way too often.

The silver lining? Some people have unknowingly kept my sanity. One of them is my roommate, who doesn’t do much either but I appreciate his willingness to always room with me over the three years. Along with that, however, are some friends who have made the exceptions to my previous paragraph, and also people I’ve met online. Words really do not do you guys justice, because so often it was you guys that brought up my spirits on a night when I get the feeling of my knees giving out or curling up and not wanting to wake up forever. You know who you are, and seriously, thank you so so much for just being you. I love you guys so so much. To a great extent, you made life that much more enjoyable, and those 1 am stress moments that much less nerve-wracking.

Speaking of that, there are also many many lessons that I’ve learned about love in these four years. First of all, a lot of the times, people throw the word around so often it feels like a scratch on the back rather than a hug to the soul. I really try not to use it unless I mean it, but I’ve been on the other side, and I want everyone who is reading this to know that it is not okay to do it. Please be careful and mindful of the words you speak. Sometimes it is better to remain silence a few more seconds to pick out the better words than to impulsively open with whatever that came to your mind. Also, please don’t play with people’s feelings.

Sadly, that brings me to some regrets. I was an idiot (Cece don’t get mad at me…), I really still think that sometimes. So here I will tell you guys to not create a materialized hope for yourself. I’m not gonna really go into it, but think about what that means. If you get it, take my advice and don’t do it. I just wish I am not an idiot anymore, and that I learned what I needed to from it. If you asked me if I can go back to change what happened, however, I think I will tell you I won’t change it, only because I think a few positive things also came from it, such as I think I have learned an invaluable lesson, and that I was able to share this experience with some people. It might still be a regret, but I think it doesn’t stab me in the front more than it used to.

What will I miss, then? I honestly want to say everything (of course, other than the 3 am fire alarms and long freshmen lines at the dining commons). I think I will miss everything about college, and good and the bad. As much as there were bad and low moments, sometimes it made the good moments that much better.

Also, it reminded me that I’m really not alone in this world, and that I just need to remind myself the real focus is not of this world. I just wish more of my friends also share my faith.

                So what was college to me? Real life? Not exactly. I think it’s more like a preview, a sample package, of 90% of the emotions you will encounter in life, thrown at you with lesser or greater intensity. It was undoubtedly a life changing experience, Lord, and I thank you for every second of it. I wish to believe that I am a better person than I was before, that everything that happened was not out of luck or chance, but to make myself a better person.  

In a way, college was just a part of a beach (kudos to you if you get the reference). No matter how strong the waves are, keep walking. Maybe you will also see only one set of footprints. 

Thank you for reading :) 

God Bless. 

be you

""

Dear Cutie-Pie,

Recently, your mother and I were searching for an answer on Google. Halfway through entering the question, Google returned a list of the most popular searches in the world. Perched at the top of the list was “How to keep him interested.”

It startled me. I scanned several of the countless articles about how to be sexy and sexual, when to bring him a beer versus a sandwich, and the ways to make him feel smart and superior.

And I got angry.

Little One, it is not, has never been, and never will be your job to “keep him interested.”

Little One, your only task is to know deeply in your soul—in that unshakeable place that isn’t rattled by rejection and loss and ego—that you are worthy of interest. (If you can remember that everyone else is worthy of interest also, the battle of your life will be mostly won. But that is a letter for another day.)

If you can trust your worth in this way, you will be attractive in the most important sense of the word: you will attract a boy who is both capable of interest and who wants to spend his one life investing all of his interest in you.

Little One, I want to tell you about the boy who doesn’t need to be kept interested, because he knows you are interesting:

I don’t care if he puts his elbows on the dinner table—as long as he puts his eyes on the way your nose scrunches when you smile. And then can’t stop looking.

I don’t care if he can’t play a bit of golf with me—as long as he can play with the children you give him and revel in all the glorious and frustrating ways they are just like you.

I don’t care if he doesn’t follow his wallet—as long as he follows his heart and it always leads him back to you.

I don’t care if he is strong—as long as he gives you the space to exercise the strength that is in your heart.

I couldn’t care less how he votes—as long as he wakes up every morning and daily elects you to a place of honor in your home and a place of reverence in his heart.

I don’t care about the color of his skin—as long as he paints the canvas of your lives with brushstrokes of patience, and sacrifice, and vulnerability, and tenderness.

I don’t care if he was raised in this religion or that religion or no religion—as long as he was raised to value the sacred and to know every moment of life, and every moment of life with you, is deeply sacred.

In the end, Little One, if you stumble across a man like that and he and I have nothing else in common, we will have the most important thing in common:

You.

Because in the end, Little One, the only thing you should have to do to “keep him interested” is to be you.

Your eternally interested guy,

Daddy

Happy International Women’s Day

Source

""

poet

She once asked me 
the name of my 
favourite poet 
and I replied

God

She laughed 
and played along 
and asked me 
which one of his 
works was my 
absolute favourite

I said it was 
the one 
where he 
wrote her 
into existence

http://www.navk.ca/

a letter to myself a year ago

Hey, it's the last day of 2013. If I remember correctly, you are on a mission to finish watching FRIENDS before the winter break ends. You did finish, I’ll have you know, with time to spare. 

A lot of things are going to happen in 2013, more than you can imagine. 

--

You will struggle at times with your relationship with your dad. It will come haunt you like it always has, and it will change both you and him. But you will get through it, and you will be ok. 

You will be able to meet up with an old friend to talk about life and the future. You will appreciate her in your life much much more, even though you barely talk to each other. But that doesn't really matter because you can pick it up wherever you have last left off. 

A beloved friend of yours will lose someone dear to him. It will happen so suddenly that it leaves you with a void that seems to freeze time itself. But he will be strong, and you will take that as a reality check, a reminder to testify to love whenever you can. 

You will slowly start to redefine "friends" and "perfectness." You will find out more friends have drifted from you, either because maybe they made better friends, or you were never really friends with them to begin with, and you are still trying to figure out what they thought of your friendships. But let them be redefined, because in a way it ends up doing you some good, so let it happen. Get past the confusion and hurt, you can do it. 

You will get a Surface Pro and it will carry you through work and classes more effectively than you had imagined (don't get too excited now!)

Waves of stressful anxiety with research labs will crowd your thoughts for some time, but you will get two internship interviews. You will nail both of them and get accepted to an amazing summer research internship and have a great time. It will also point you in a direction that suits your interest more than you know. And you will work your ass off for a number that you still dread its power over you, but you will keep going, whatever it takes.

You will also make something with your heart and hands that you thought you’re proud of, but it will become one of the worst mistakes you have ever made in your life. It will be you subconsciously trying to hold onto hope almost physically, but it will not only fail but you will also lose something that means terribly much to you. 

…but it’s okay, because you will learn from it… oh boy, do you learn from it. It will teach you what it really means to let go, to truly let go. Whatever you do, please...let the lesson change you for the better, and don’t let it bring you down. 

You will make a friend who will become your best friend, and please, you have to make sure that you don't let this one go, ever. I'm warning you, if you mess this up somehow I will build a time machine myself and come beat you up. 

An event is going to shake both you and the world like no other ever has. Someone sick in the heart will bring bombs to the Boston Marathon and hurt so many innocent people. It will hit home, literally, and again it will act as a reminder to show compassion to those around you. Let it speak. 

You’ll find yourself starting over, a new blog, that is, because you realize that something had changed you. You’ll ask yourself why it still bothers you, and if you miss anything. But you will realize that you don’t anymore, because you are no longer that person, and you can finally leave it all behind.

You will also learn that sometimes it is really hard to know how much something can hurt someone, and maybe, to an extent, if a lie can prevent someone hurting but hurts you some instead, think carefully before you do anything. I know you, you'd rather be truthful, but maybe sometimes it is better to lie if the lie will only hurt you, and all you have to do then is to slowly heal from it. 

You are going to get an apartment for the first time, with a sick monitor setup in the living room, and you will have the chance to learn the arts of cooking. You will love it, I tell you, so let the interest live on, and don't be lazy now! 

You will also go to your first concert, and it’s Yellowcard ‘s Ocean Avenue Acoustic Tour, too. It will change your life, and you will love them even more. Not only that but you will also meet your pen pal from England. Maybe it is the best time to meet and talk, but made it will make the experience so much more worth it.

It might not be clear or easy to tell, but you still make a few very good friends, friends who--I believe--keep you in their thoughts from time to time, and to a very large extent, they will keep you going. Their short company, small talks, and the little thoughts…they all count, more than you realize.

You will find confusion, a lot of it, because you struggle to be yourself or not. You won’t be able to decide whether you want to fight for hope, because you don’t know if it’s worth the fight. You will end up giving up because you will break again, but not as bad this time, maybe because you will convince yourself that you don’t have much to lose.

Heh, and with a little luck (and impulse, really), you are able to play Pokemon again, and bring back a childhood joy that you never thought you could experience again. 

All the most important part is...you will slowly learn how to live with the scars, and how to make peace with them. It was never your fault, and you don't have to get rid of them. They can stay in the box, and you don't have to face them again because you are not the same person anymore. You are better and stronger, and all you have to do now is carry on. 

...you will also learn that hope can sometimes bring you down, so you have to choose the right kind of hope to keep going. 

2013 will be hell of a roller coaster ride, my friend, but you will survive and learn so much. 

Carry on, my friend, and always testify. 

with a little luck

Imagine this:

You are walking down a busy street, hurrying to work, class, an interview, or a bus stop, trying to be punctual, maybe on the phone as well, figuring out what the rest of the week encompasses. You occasionally catch glimpse of the world around you, the people walking against the flow of the crowd, some just as busy, occupied, worried, determined, happy, or melancholy as you are. But you don't think about any of that, 'cause you need to look both ways before you cross this busy street to get to that building so you won't feel as terrible for missing that alarm this morning. You are so absorbed in fixing your morning that you didn't realize you dropped your umbrella. Someone picks it up, hands it to you, and it snaps you out of your little bubble as they say to you," you're gonna need this!" And you didn't even remember you had your umbrella with you.

Maybe you're in a library cramming months worth of material into your head so you have something to show off to yourself at the end of the month when you check the numbers that really shouldn't so much determine where you end up in the world. Convinced for a break, you look up from the screen to find the sleepy eyes, blank stares, and that stressed forehead rub from the other students. You say some encouraging words to yourself just as someone seems to have noticed your textbook and asks, "hey, are you in that class too? Do you know why the...," only to have you realize someone shares your confusion, and somehow it's not that bad after all because you're all trying to learn the same lessons.

The world has an interesting way of telling you certain things. Sometimes, it's a reminder, other times, a companion.

make peace

I came across this quote the other day: 

You can accept or reject the way you are treated by other people, but until you heal the wounds of your past, you will continue to bleed. You can bandage the bleeding with food, with alcohol, with drugs, with work, with cigarettes, with sex, but eventually, it will all ooze through and stain your life. You must find the strength to open the wounds, stick your hands inside, pull out the core of the pain that is holding you in your past, the memories, and make peace with them.

Iyanla Vanzant, Yesterday, I Cried

I think that last line hit me. It made me realize that I was going to burn those things because I couldn't deal with them. Because that represented my wound, and I wasn't able to make peace with it, so I sought the easy way out, and that was the make it all disappear--physically disappear. 

The ironic thing is, I don't even know if it'd work. I just want it to go away so badly that I wanted to literally incinerate it. 

But what I needed to do is to, like it says, remove the pain from all of it and make peace. 

To make peace

Give me strength..